Bad apologies?

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hoss2576

hoss2576

Senior Member
May 10, 2014
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Are all apologies the same? Does the reason a person apologizes make a difference? Given that we strive to always forgive, we still choose to continue or end relationships. If someone apologizes to you and you later learn that the motives are not what you had believed, does it change anything or do you move on?
 
for me, apologies can be helpful for me to "get over myself", especially in a short term situation. and frankly, i am not one to scrutinize motive too closely because i am pretty quick to forgive in general. if they even KNOW they should apologize to me, i can accept that gesture, even if it was perhaps not as sincere as it could be.

however, it's taken me about 10 years to fully learn how to forgive someone who never apologizes or expresses remorse, or even awareness of her painfully hurtful behavior. that ability has translated to helping me not be dependent upon apologies for forgiveness.

the relationship type, relative expectations of the relationship, and how much i have invested with that person, has a lot to do with whether i would continue a relationship with someone who has hurt me, and done so without regret.

what is more important to me than the apology is the awareness and learning that comes from the resolution of the problem. if i sufficiently feel that the conflict resolution provided some means of growth and understanding, and that it will prevent future problems (potentially) then i am more likely to give more chances.

a lack of awareness, understanding or responsibility leads me to be concerned whether this will be a repetitive cycle of offenses and inability to accept/learn from and nurture the growth of the relationship.
 
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gypsygirl said:
for me, apologies can be helpful for me to "get over myself", especially in a short term situation. and frankly, i am not one to scrutinize motive too closely because i am pretty quick to forgive in general. if they even KNOW they should apologize to me, i can accept that gesture, even if it was perhaps not as sincere as it could be.

however, it's taken me about 10 years to fully learn how to forgive someone who never apologizes or expresses remorse, or even awareness of her painfully hurtful behavior. that ability has translated to helping me not be dependent upon apologies for forgiveness.

the relationship type, relative expectations of the relationship, and how much i have invested with that person, has a lot to do with whether i would continue a relationship with someone who has hurt me, and done so without regret.

what is more important to me than the apology is the awareness and learning that comes from the resolution of the problem. if i sufficiently feel that the conflict resolution provided some means of growth and understanding, and that it will prevent future problems (potentially) then i am more likely to give more chances.

a lack of awareness, understanding or responsibility leads me to be concerned whether this will be a repetitive cycle of offenses and inability to accept/learn from and nurture the growth of the relationship.
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Wow, I love this explanation. I never really had given it much thought, but I also am someone that doesn't typically analyze motives. What you said really resonated with me, so I don't think I have anything else to add. :)
 
I've always been one to 'dwell' on things. This includes behavior that requires forgiveness. Forgiving without an apology is not something i've given much consideration, but i think it usually happens, it just may take time. Often what seems to happen is i forget exactly what the problem is, i just remember that i had a problem with someone. If nothing continues to make me think poorly of that person i just forget about it. I know that has happened on CC. Someone once said some hurtful things and i wrote them off. It's been over a year, i don't remember what they said, only that something was said and i was hurt. We don't interact very much anymore. But whereas before i would've avoided them, now i'm over it. While i would be hesitant to interact with them again on a more personal level, i will still interact with them in forums, etc..
Every so often, though, someone may do something big enough for me to not be able to forget. It then becomes difficult for me to know if i'm just remembering or holding it against them.

Generally, though, an apology will get forgiveness. It may be a little slow at first (depending on the person and situation) but it will happen. But i know years ago, when i was younger, forgiveness wasn't easy to come by. I had a lot more anger and bitterness and been hurt by nearly every friend i'd had. During that time of my life there wasn't a lot of forgiveness going on.

Thinking about this more, as i write it out, i realize how little thought i have given to my ability, or inability, to forgive. One thing i Do know, regardless, is that i do not equate forgiveness to staying around the person. If the behavior is bad enough, then i won't forget and i will act accordingly and distance myself from someone if they show a high enough level of disrespect or insensitivity.
 
The decision to forgive shouldn't depend on anything. Not on apologies or on the offender or on the circumstances and its end result. It's a decision I independently make for my own salvation. I want God to forgive me so I MUST forgive my offender. I want to be set free, so I must forgive my offender. I can choose to continue or end my relationship with my offender, it requires wisdom to make that decision one way or the other. And that's actually a different story/issue. What really matters is once I make the decision to forgive, I must not hold grudges, I forget the offence, I have no hard feeling towards my offender at all.


hoss2576 said:
Are all apologies the same? Does the reason a person apologizes make a difference? Given that we strive to always forgive, we still choose to continue or end relationships. If someone apologizes to you and you later learn that the motives are not what you had believed, does it change anything or do you move on?
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When I know a person is apologizing for some manipulative reason that has nothing to do with remorse, I kinda want to kick them in the knee. I don't do it. But oooh....I get angry. And then I get over it and try and forgive them anyway, which I'm not great at. Working on it. Forgiveness is divine, and all that...but when there's no remorse shown, or an ulterior motive to the apology...forgiveness is a right pain in the patootie.
 
It would depend on the reason why they're apologizing as well as the severity of damage that's been done in order to give certain reactions towards it. So to answer the question, no, not all apologetic responses are the same. Some can be genuine and actually are seeking forgiveness when knowing the extent as to what's been done, some just apologize not knowing or really caring so they gain that person's acceptance/trust back for their own benefit and motives and often times bringing an act as if it's set from first example in order for it to happen. Also depending on the damage the person may have caused and sometimes simply saying 'sorry' will not bring back what the person may try to obtain from doing so. Sorry seems to be used loosely but at the same time have a lack of it where it really should be needed, so it's really bias to say as to when you should use or accept it from whoever.

If the motives are not what it appears to be from the person, then I say move on. Say you accept it but you wouldn't want to have similar relations as you once had before the incident(s), and if they can't take that then that's their problem.
 
JustAnotherUser said:
If the motives are not what it appears to be from the person, then I say move on. Say you accept it but you wouldn't want to have similar relations as you once had before the incident(s), and if they can't take that then that's their problem.
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Right. Forgiveness isn't about forgetting. Sometimes there are lessons to be learned about the nature of the person you need to forgive. You can forgive, but that doesn't mean you have to allow them to keep repeating the behavior, if that's what it seems may be going on.
 
I've always been quick to forgive. Sometimes too quick. I never regret forgiving someone though, even if their motive was false.

The downside to being quick to forgive is that I forget that other people sometimes do hold grudges. So I'll have moved on and settled the matter, and then be shocked to find much later that they are still brooding over it. Therefore I am maybe not as careful to avoid those altercations as I should be in the first place.

Here's another question:

Have you ever asked forgiveness from someone for offending them or whatever, mainly just to keep peace with them? I have a habit of doing this. Sometimes apologies come too easy to me. They usually ARE sincere - I am truly sorry about whatever happened - but I sometimes take ownership of the fault for it when it doesn't really belong to me, rather than quibbling about it.
 
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I am one of those people if you burn me once you will never get another chance to do it again, nor a chance to even say sorry.

when people burn me, I cut them out of my life and they will never get back in i'll have nothing to do with them.
 
That's what us Canadians always do. I find it's so easy to offend a Canadian person, so I find myself always saying these words "Sorry, excuse me" ten thousand times a day!! :D


MidniteWelder said:
Never screw up a good apology with an excuse.
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Grace-Like-Rain said:
Have you ever asked forgiveness from someone for offending them or whatever, mainly just to keep peace with them? I have a habit of doing this. Sometimes apologies come too easy to me. They usually ARE sincere - I am truly sorry about whatever happened - but I sometimes take ownership of the fault for it when it doesn't really belong to me, rather than quibbling about it.
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I've done this, too, and it may be the right thing to do in some instances. But it also seems like it could be counter-productive, because you can't really correct a mistake that you never made in the first place. And if you accept responsibility for blame that doesn't belong to you, then there is no incentive for whoever needs to learn from it, to learn.
 
wisebeardman said:
I am one of those people if you burn me once you will never get another chance to do it again, nor a chance to even say sorry.

when people burn me, I cut them out of my life and they will never get back in i'll have nothing to do with them.
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I am so glad that this isn't how Jesus treats us.
 
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