Banned from seeing future in laws. What do I do??

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WALKBYFAITHNOTBYSIGHT

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Hi everyone! I need some advice!!

6 months ago my soon to be sister in law and I had a disagreement.

I discovered she was talking about me behind my back and telling other people my personal business. I have known her for 2 years and she has always been like family to me. I considered us close. My children and I would always come over to visit as much as we could . Therefore, hearing this words being spoken against me broke my heart. I decided I needed to address it with her. I sent her a text message telling her that it hurt me. She became offended that I would send her a message saying such a thing and has not spoken to me since then. This was 6 months ago. What do I do?

Over the past 4 months. I have tried calling her to work things out. She will not answer. I have messaged her. She will not answer. She saw me in the store and walked by smiling at me (in an condencending way with her nose up in the air). I said hello. She would not answer back.

What do I do?

The Bible says when someone has wronged you that you go to them in private. I did this. It also says that if that does not work to bring in a 3rd party. This is where my fiancé came into the picture.

Just the other day my fiancé went to her house to speak to her about mine and her relationship. She advised him that she was hurt I messaged her of such things and she had forgiven me. She stated even though she forgave me she did not wish to see me anymeore. She further stated that I was banned from attending any family events or coming to their house.

She recently became very ill and was in the hospital. She told the hospital staff I was not aloud in the hospital to visit her.

What do you do????

I continue to pray about this situation. My heart wants to let go of everything and cut ties. But how do you cut ties to someone who is about to become family through marriage? I feel so left out when they have family events and me and my children get left at home because we are banned.

I want peace from this situation so any advice is welcome!!! Every time they text to invite my fiancé to things and he goes without me it breaks my heart. She states she is a Christian and believes she can forgive someone and not have to ever see them again.

How can I let go when it is my fiancés family?? Any advice??
 
WALKBYFAITHNOTBYSIGHT said:
Hi everyone! I need some advice!!

6 months ago my soon to be sister in law and I had a disagreement.

I discovered she was talking about me behind my back and telling other people my personal business. I have known her for 2 years and she has always been like family to me. I considered us close. My children and I would always come over to visit as much as we could . Therefore, hearing this words being spoken against me broke my heart. I decided I needed to address it with her. I sent her a text message telling her that it hurt me. She became offended that I would send her a message saying such a thing and has not spoken to me since then. This was 6 months ago. What do I do?

Over the past 4 months. I have tried calling her to work things out. She will not answer. I have messaged her. She will not answer. She saw me in the store and walked by smiling at me (in an condencending way with her nose up in the air). I said hello. She would not answer back.

What do I do?

The Bible says when someone has wronged you that you go to them in private. I did this. It also says that if that does not work to bring in a 3rd party. This is where my fiancé came into the picture.

Just the other day my fiancé went to her house to speak to her about mine and her relationship. She advised him that she was hurt I messaged her of such things and she had forgiven me. She stated even though she forgave me she did not wish to see me anymeore. She further stated that I was banned from attending any family events or coming to their house.

She recently became very ill and was in the hospital. She told the hospital staff I was not aloud in the hospital to visit her.

What do you do????

I continue to pray about this situation. My heart wants to let go of everything and cut ties. But how do you cut ties to someone who is about to become family through marriage? I feel so left out when they have family events and me and my children get left at home because we are banned.

I want peace from this situation so any advice is welcome!!! Every time they text to invite my fiancé to things and he goes without me it breaks my heart. She states she is a Christian and believes she can forgive someone and not have to ever see them again.

How can I let go when it is my fiancés family?? Any advice??
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Wow! That is a lot to take in! Im sorry that you find yourself in this situation,but Im not sure you'd like the advice I'd give you. Your SIL is wrong,if she has forgiven,as Christians are told to do,then the past is in the past and it should be like nothing ever happened between you. Simple as that.She is 100% wrong. But what bothers me more than the smallness and immaturity of your SIL is your fiance.Why is your future husband not standing with you?! Why is he not taking you to family functions and making it clear to his family that they are to treat you with respect because you are,will be,his wife?! Why is he not man enough to stand up for you?! I see a big problem here,sorry. Honestly my BIL did this to my fiance and said he wasn't part of the family.I'm not going to say what I said to him but I had to ask the Lords forgiveness after. Im sorry,no joke,I lost it. Both my BIL and sister heard the rosary backwards. It got bad,really bad but I stood up for my husband and my family did not stop him from taking part in family functions.I was called everything for it but I did not give in. Its just now that my sister and BIL have decided to start accepting my husband. We avoided each other,there were bad feelings but they stayed clear of me. Your fiance is suppose to cling to you,not his family. Shame on him for letting his family bully you in this way. He needs to man up and defend his wife. Thats my advice,take it for what its worth.
 
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First of all, is what you "discovered" actually the truth, or hearsay or rumor? It may just be hear say or a rumor...
 
I think instead of texting, you should have spoken to her face to face. So much can be lost in a text. She very well may have forgiven you but healing takes time it doesn't always come the sametime as forgiveness. My SIL said something hurtful and out of order to me and I didn't want anything to do with her after that.

After some time and my husband telling her a thing or two in private. Things are better.

I'm still cautious with her but I am able to treat her with kindness. I'm not sure what you said to her but since you all were so close you should have at least given her a chance and heard her out. Who appointed her in charge of the guest lists for all functions? How does the other family members treat you?

Give it time, leave her be and I hope it all works out how you desire it to.
 
WALKBYFAITHNOTBYSIGHT said:
I have known her for 2 years and she has always been like family to me. I considered us close... [BUT] She stated even though she forgave me she did not wish to see me anymore. She further stated that I was banned from attending any family events or coming to their house.
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I am sure you can see the anomaly in these two statements. So here is what I would suggest:

1. Since she has cut you off from herself, just send her a BRIEF note telling her that people you know have confirmed that she spoke unfavorably about you behind your back, but you have forgiven her and will not hold any grudges.

2. Just accept the fact that sister-in-laws are not mother-in-laws or father-in-laws. (1) she is not the decision-maker in that home and (2) there is no further need for you to concern yourself about her, since you have clearly told her you forgive her.

3. Move on with your life instead of being obsessed about your SIL. You will not be marrying that family.




 
In my opinion I think that nowadays a lot of people can't manage talking together when there is a problem or argument happening between them. I mean she could at least have met with you once to try solving this out, especially if she would have been innocent she would have had nothing to hide anyway. She is either very easily triggered when getting confronted for own personal reasons or she may have shared a lot of your personal information with others but doesn't like it when she get's catched by all of the gosipping.

Most adults should manage dealing with confrontations at times, or else they won't survive much in this world. For example; most can't avoid getting some confrontations at their work-place.

Had she really been a good friend of yours she would have been open for trying to solve this together with you, a good friendship should tolerate a lot more than getting offended once and then start putting the other one on ignore. I personally think this type of attitude is very childish, is not like she tries giving you a chance either to explain yourself or try solving this.

I do agree with your fiancé not standing up to you, he should really be doing this. It is rather foolish of him to just go to all family events without ever taking you with him, how will this make you get better known with his family? It is also very childish of her to command and expect that everyone else agrees with her on banning you from any family events as well as from ever going to their house, the next thing might be that she will be telling your fiancé to not marry you.
 
hard lesson learned: don't, don't ever 'tell' anyone your business, unless you
don't care who hears about it; of course it will become distorted, more so, as the interest fades...
 
for some reason,, nether my wife or i know of, my daughter in law took a dislike to us. no need to go into details other then we have always been there for them, and i always treated and felt towards me childrens spouses as thought they were my own children. but suddenly we got no more contact from them,,, its been about 7 years now. my son didn't even come to his much loved grandfathers funeral. and when i had a heart attack last year i didn't get even a get well card. ok. its hurtful. but not my issue. i am here arms outstretched in love when ever he wishes to accept us again in his life. if it never happens i can not change his heart or hers. my advice is send the message of love and acceptance. and then wash your hands of the problem.
 
bigjohn said:
for some reason,, nether my wife or i know of, my daughter in law took a dislike to us. no need to go into details other then we have always been there for them, and i always treated and felt towards me childrens spouses as thought they were my own children. but suddenly we got no more contact from them,,, its been about 7 years now. my son didn't even come to his much loved grandfathers funeral. and when i had a heart attack last year i didn't get even a get well card. ok. its hurtful. but not my issue. i am here arms outstretched in love when ever he wishes to accept us again in his life. if it never happens i can not change his heart or hers. my advice is send the message of love and acceptance. and then wash your hands of the problem.
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A family in our church had this happen to them. They came to find out it was because they became JW's and disowned them.
 
If someone is talking behind your back, they aren't going to change just because you hang around them. In fact, that is just going to give them MORE to talk about. So why would you even want to associate with them?
 
if what you say is so, then they both have done and are doing an evil thing...
it WILL become a heavy load to carry on their shoulders one day...
May God forgive them...
 
I agree with the others who are questioning why your fiance isn't sticking by your side. I am very sorry about this situation and I have been there too with future in-laws. These situations are very tricky and can lead to many future problems. Could God be using her to put a wedge in this relationship for some reason? Fasting and prayer might help bring insight and answers from God as to His sovereign and perfect will for you.
 
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