being non redeemable

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svetaemilia

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How Close?
How close can I get to sin without really sinning?

How close can I get to complete unredemption without anyone knowing?

These are the things I lay down at night and think about. These are the things that I must be trying to achieve by pushing the envelope ever closer without actually opening it. Am I trying to sabotage myself just as things are turning around again and my life is right where I want it to be? It seems insane, but as history continues to repeat itself, I am begged to answer these questions with a definite “Yes.”

So, what does this mean for me? For my life?

Does it mean that I should just grow up and get over myself? Or that there is really no hope for people like me and God has no room for us in his kingdom? I try to think that even though I am a complete hypocrite (based on recent events) that God will still forgive me but, why would he? I absolutely do not forgive myself, and if anyone knew they wouldn’t forgive me either. No one could or should forgive me for acting like I am learning and everything is sinking in and I am trying to live the Christian life, but really I go against everything I have learned. The worst part is that as I was doing it I knew that I was wrong, that I would regret it, that everything might fall apart..but I did it anyway. I have told friends about it before, but I do it again, I fail again. They should not have to deal with a hypocrite like me and neither should God.

I know that tomorrow I will repent and maybe even feel ok again, I will really try hard and maybe even really get to the light again..but I know that again I will fail.

Even now scripture races through my mind about grace and redemption and forgiveness, I want to listen to worship songs and read bible passages and pray to feel better and for forgiveness…but I do not deserve this, and I know it.

I was in the best place in my life, and I have given it up for a 30min encounter in the middle of the night, with someone I have absolutely no feelings for what so ever.. The worst part is, I did it twice.
 
svetaemilia said:
How Close?
How close can I get to sin without really sinning?

How close can I get to complete unredemption without anyone knowing?

These are the things I lay down at night and think about. These are the things that I must be trying to achieve by pushing the envelope ever closer without actually opening it. Am I trying to sabotage myself just as things are turning around again and my life is right where I want it to be? It seems insane, but as history continues to repeat itself, I am begged to answer these questions with a definite “Yes.”

So, what does this mean for me? For my life?

Does it mean that I should just grow up and get over myself? Or that there is really no hope for people like me and God has no room for us in his kingdom? I try to think that even though I am a complete hypocrite (based on recent events) that God will still forgive me but, why would he? I absolutely do not forgive myself, and if anyone knew they wouldn’t forgive me either. No one could or should forgive me for acting like I am learning and everything is sinking in and I am trying to live the Christian life, but really I go against everything I have learned. The worst part is that as I was doing it I knew that I was wrong, that I would regret it, that everything might fall apart..but I did it anyway. I have told friends about it before, but I do it again, I fail again. They should not have to deal with a hypocrite like me and neither should God.

I know that tomorrow I will repent and maybe even feel ok again, I will really try hard and maybe even really get to the light again..but I know that again I will fail.

Even now scripture races through my mind about grace and redemption and forgiveness, I want to listen to worship songs and read bible passages and pray to feel better and for forgiveness…but I do not deserve this, and I know it.

I was in the best place in my life, and I have given it up for a 30min encounter in the middle of the night, with someone I have absolutely no feelings for what so ever.. The worst part is, I did it twice.
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Sometimes we know whats right and still do whats wrong.

Rom 7:15 For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.

You have to learn to forgive yourself. I believe forgiving men of their trespasses also includes forgiving yourself

Mat 6:14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
Mat 6:15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

God is eager to forgive those with a contrite and repentant heart.

Mat 18:21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
Mat 18:22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

We just have to learn from our mistakes and do our best to go and sin no more.

Joh 8:10 When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
Joh 8:11 She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.
 
Your conscience is speaking to you and you really should listen to it :)

The more you ignore your conscience, the more deadened it will become. Then you'll just be numb. Numb is not good.

The thing is that you don't really believe God. When God says 'don't do .....' it really is for your own protection. He's not just waiting for you to fail so He can punish you; He loves you and He doesn't want you hurting yourself.

'Testing the limits' is destroying you ... it's good that you see that. Now you only have to exercise self-will.

Your 'will' is actually a spiritual muscle that becomes very flabby when not used. The more you use it, the stronger it becomes. It isn't easy to get this muscle going but you CAN do it. Pray for the DESIRE to use it and the Holy Spirit will help you.

If you have an addiction, seek help. A support group really can help you with controlling your 'will'.

Praying for the Helper to come into your heart, sweetie, and for the demons of deception to be eliminated from your life :)
 
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