Boundaries

[Jullianna]

From time to time couples are going to disagree. What are some of the boundaries you set for yourself to prevent the sort of ugliness that is difficult to get past?

 

[Powemm]

Listening
validating
Appreciating
looking at the problem , not the person
Plan of action
Resolution

My motto is " when the fruits of the spirit aren't flowing, disengage tongue"
Take a break, KISS (keep it timple Tupid and laugh!)

 

[JesusChica1991]

Jonathan and I usually take a breather for a few and then talk to each other again. However, as usual, communication is the key to any relationship: not just words but your tone of voice and body language. And if you do get in a conflict, remember to forgive each other and to let go of grudges. If you want your relationship to be healthy, forgiveness and letting go is essential to it.

 

[Ugly]

Well, if i get angry or hurt really bad, i have to be alone. Period. I have to have time to cool off. If a person pushes me to talk about the problem, i will straight out warn them that i am angry, and i will almost guarantee to say something offensive. And those people that do push, get what i warned, then get offended and act surprised, which only sets me off more. But once i cool down i'm generally able to talk through the issue and work it out pretty easily.
And i don't say insults or call names, things like that.. i just get.. more blunt than usual. 0.0 Yeah, scary, but this is me being nicely blunt, haha.

 

[Hal51]

I can only control myself so if I sensed that I was getting angry I would tell my partner that my flesh was getting the best of me then I would shut my mouth and walk away. the tongue is a sharp instrument and its hard to take back words that you did not mean. James 3:4,5

 

[zaoman32]

The more I talk when I'm upset the more fired up I get. I can think things through better while writing. I've handled arguments before with me and the other person just writing notes back and forth, it worked pretty well.

 

[shae0104]

I feel the need to throw things and raise my arms up like a good ole italian woman except for im not italian

Well, if i get angry or hurt really bad, i have to be alone. Period. I have to have time to cool off. If a person pushes me to talk about the problem, i will straight out warn them that i am angry, and i will almost guarantee to say something offensive. And those people that do push, get what i warned, then get offended and act surprised, which only sets me off more. But once i cool down i'm generally able to talk through the issue and work it out pretty easily.
And i don't say insults or call names, things like that.. i just get.. more blunt than usual. 0.0 Yeah, scary, but this is me being nicely blunt, haha.

 

[shae0104]

Do you write dear fill in the blank:
im angry and write it in red??

 

[shae0104]

ok all jokes aside i dont yell or walk away i just say quietly im pretty upset with .... and lets fix it.

 

[Jullianna]

Do you write dear fill in the blank:
im angry and write it in red??

You know, it's funny you should say this because I read last week that men tend to believe what you write in red. Apparently advertisers use this ploy on men a lot. Maybe there is something to that lipstick on the mirror thing...hmm

 

[rachelsedge]

If I'm angry or upset, I usually get really quiet. Not just verbally, but I'll be really still, my facial expression won't change, etc. One time, I was with a very close friend and something had happened previously that made me get into that state. He said, "Are you okay?" I just said, "Yeah" real flatly/emotionlessly. That will usually be my answer right when someone asks. Rarely do I ever just start talking right away. He just nodded his head, and it was a signal to me of "Okay. Whenever you're ready, I'll be here." And guess what? I eventually talked with him about what had bothered me. He didn't need to push me, or keep asking me when I was ready. He let me come to him on my own, because he knew that was best.

If I trust you, there's a 99% chance that I'll talk to you about what's going on eventually. If you push me on it, it will usually just make me hole up even more or lash out. I need time to myself, to sort things out in my head, or just get everything out by way of music or writing before I talk. It's better for both of us that way.

I've never been in a relationship, but I imagine that the guy will either learn how I work, like my friend did above, or I'll have to just tell him that it's better if I have some time alone, first. I'm willing to talk almost anything out. Just don't force me to.

 

[zeroturbulence]

From time to time couples are going to disagree. What are some of the boundaries you set for yourself to prevent the sort of ugliness that is difficult to get past?

That reminds me of this song which is one of my favorites:

Cold Fire

It was long after midnight
When we got to unconditional love..

She said, 'Sure, my heart is boundless
But don't push my limits too far'

I said, 'If love is so transcendent
I don't understand these boundaries'

She said, 'Just don't disappoint me
You know how complex women are'

I'll be around
If you don't let me down too far
I'll be around
If you don't let me down

It was just before sunrise
When we started on traditional roles...

She said, 'Sure, I'll be your partner
But don't make too many demands'

I said, 'If love has these conditions
I don't understand those songs you love'

She said, 'This is not a love song
This isn't fantasyland'

Don't go too far

A phosphorescent wave on a tropical sea is a cold fire

Don't cross the line

The pattern of moonlight on the bedroom floor is a cold fire

Don't let me down

The flame at the heart of a pawnbroker's diamond is a cold fire

Don't break the spell

The look in your eyes as you head for the door is a cold fire

I'll be around
If you don't push me down too far
I'll be around
If you don't push me down

Love is blind if you are gentle
Love can turn to a long, cold burn...