Broken Marriage

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beyondbroken

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I dont even know where to begin and this is very hard for me to share as I am a very private person. I just feel lost now. 10 almost 11 years ago my husband left me for another woman. I found out when he left that he was havnig an affair w her for about a yr and a half . I was a young new mom and didn't know what to do. I turned to alcohol. Went out and had a couple one nights stands that left me feeling dirty and used! I had gotten pregnant and did the unthinkable, I had an abortion. I found myself feeling so unworthy of anything. I contemplated suicide, but Thanks be to God, He didn't turn his back on me. I sincerely repented for the things I had did. I got into church and went to counseling w my Pastor. My husband and I got back together, we concieved a child and he left me 3 mths after she was born; but I took him back 4 mths later cuz I knew what I had done and wanted to make things work.Only to find out that the lady he was having an affair w was pregnant w his child. I never told him what I had did as my then Pastor told me not to, that I repented, it was under the Blood and I was not to bring it up. Foolishly I listened! For yrs I had blamed my husband, I felt like I would have never put myself in the position I did had he been faithful. Nov 2011, my husband walked out on me again leaving me w our 11 yr and 8 yr old children. He said he left so he could have a relationship w his daughter. He denied her for the first 3-4 yrs and then somewhere along the line wanted a relationship w her. She just turned 7 . Well I have also learned that he is cheating on me again, this time w another lady. I am beyond broken. I hurt so bad. I haven't slept a full night of sleep since he left in Nov. I am trying so hard to be strong for my kids but I am hurting so bad. I dont know what to do. I did tell him about my past. Now he is using that as his excuse to not want to be with me or want our marriage. But then he tells me he loves me and he is just so hurt. He is suppose to start individual counseling. It appears our marriage is beyond hope. I just dont know what to do or how to do it. I am so broken. Literally feel dead inside. He is my best friend and my husband of 16 yrs. I keep praying God what do you want me to do and I don't hear an answer!
 
Oh dear!

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through m'love :(. But I am so glad you have come to the forums!

I'll send you a private message :).
 
I'm so sorry you're hurting! This is really a hard thing to deal with. Everyone makes mistakes ...but the important thing is to get back on track through the forgiveness and love of Christ.

I think you're right...your husband is using your hiding something from him (something that you're sorry for) as an excuse to carry on with his own sin. You can't change him but you can pray for the love and direction of the Holy Spirit in his life. It's always handy for us to make someone else's sin and excuse for our own, but the Lord will have none of that. We come individually to the throne and He never asks us 'how did the others treat you?' but 'how did you respond to it?'

I admire you for wanting to continue working on your relationship with your husband and I'll pray that you can both go to Christian counseling and have a mutual desire to have a healthy relationship.

Hang in there sister, God is working on him but it may take time :)

In the meantime, I would suggest continuing with your own spiritual growth. One thing I've learned from my relationship with my husband is that you can't let your relationship with Christ depend on what your husband is or is not doing.

I do hope that your husband sees that having extra-marital affairs is a major sin.

Don't think that you cannot exist as a significant person without your husband. You can. You need this inner strength and assurance that you are a very capable person. If you don't have this, you can use this time to build on it :)


 
it is good you are so forgiving of your husband. jesus will be more forgiving to you. it is good you want your marriage to work. keep praying. you are forgiven of your past if you trust in the blood of jesus.
 
Thank you so much. I think that is why I can be so forgiving is because I know what I have been forgiven of. The place I was in my life 10 yrs ago was so dark.I never dreamt in my wildest dreams I could have ever done those horrible things. But I did, and I had to learn to accept God's forgiveness, know that my sins were washed away by the blood of Jesus and learn to forgive myself. I had to pray that God would help me to feel worthy again as a mom, because I didn't feel like I deserved to be a mom esp after I had an abortion. And then a miscarriage. I never questioned God. I felt so condemned for so long, not by God but by myself. I hated who I was ! I have to wake up each morning and say you are not that person you was 10 yrs ago. You are forgiven.
I must say though, I have never felt hurt so bad and so deeply as I do know. I am so afraid that God wont chg my husbands heart. I am afraid of being alone, I think that is what the reality is. I know I can make it because I am a strong person in the respect of being able to take care of things. Financially I cant make it without his help. But my heart just cant let go of him. I dont' want my marriage to end. And I am holding on to the words God spoke and the vision God gave me. But wow, this is hard. Rejection sucks. I never have felt so unloved, unwanted and desperate in my life :) My heart is truly beyond broken
 
Sweetie, hang in there. It will get easier. It is when our hearts are broken that He can remake them.

Rejection DOES hurt immensely. But you need to see yourself as God sees you; plus you need to have faith in God that He will take care of you..regardless of what happens with your husband.

One thing that has helped me get through tough spots is to think about what I would do if 'the worst happened'. I guess some people see this as pessimistic thinking but I call it preparatory thinking. It lessens my fear. And that's a good thing.

Please don't go into a panic or feel desperate; spend time reading God's Word and the Holy Spirit will along side and lift you up. Just take it one step at a time.



 
I can't begin to give you advice...My heart hurts for you...
I pray that God gives wisdom, insight, understanding, strength, will power, compfort, surpassing peace
and people to come along side you for support and leadership. Place it in God's care and what is best will happen.
In His Love, Shekaniah
 
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