Cant Forgive Myself

[Shoshie]

Since my Mom died on Dec 2nd much has been a blur. To clarify some things, I read through my journals. I found a few times out of frustration over my Mother's health, I yelled at her. Once I thought she had a UTI so a bath was necessary. She liked a bath but didn't feel like it. I told her it would be quick. But she went on and on and I yelled at her. Then, on Nov 23rd she went to ER to be checked out. It was discovered she had really bad degenerative disc disease. We were discharged that night. She slept most of the night but sweetly woke up and we had a loving relationship. We were always very close. Fast forward to Nov 26th, she was given a bath by me but I couldn't pull her up in the bed so called firemen. They pulled her up. Later I fixed her something to eat. She didn't want it said she had never liked the item. In frustration, I called her a bad name. I was so worried about her not eating. She told me she wished I'd go away. I said, maybe I'll die. She said, Maybe, you will. On November 26th or 27th, I have listed under the 27th, her saying, Remember, you haven't done anything wrong. She had Forgiven me over and over. I would say I'm sorry and she would say, There's nothing to forgive. Hospice started with her on November 28th. She died on December 2nd. I can't forgive myself forcwhat I said. I didn't know she was dieing but I shouldn't havecsaid it regardless.
I worry she thought I didn't love her! There was some dementia because on another occasion she called me mean , when again I was just trying to help her. Tell me how to survive this ! If there is any hope for me. How could I say this to a person in terrific paib

 

[Cameron143]

Since my Mom died on Dec 2nd much has been a blur. To clarify some things, I read through my journals. I found a few times out of frustration over my Mother's health, I yelled at her. Once I thought she had a UTI so a bath was necessary. She liked a bath but didn't feel like it. I told her it would be quick. But she went on and on and I yelled at her. Then, on Nov 23rd she went to ER to be checked out. It was discovered she had really bad degenerative disc disease. We were discharged that night. She slept most of the night but sweetly woke up and we had a loving relationship. We were always very close. Fast forward to Nov 26th, she was given a bath by me but I couldn't pull her up in the bed so called firemen. They pulled her up. Later I fixed her something to eat. She didn't want it said she had never liked the item. In frustration, I called her a bad name. I was so worried about her not eating. She told me she wished I'd go away. I said, maybe I'll die. She said, Maybe, you will. On November 26th or 27th, I have listed under the 27th, her saying, Remember, you haven't done anything wrong. She had Forgiven me over and over. I would say I'm sorry and she would say, There's nothing to forgive. Hospice started with her on November 28th. She died on December 2nd. I can't forgive myself forcwhat I said. I didn't know she was dieing but I shouldn't havecsaid it regardless.
I worry she thought I didn't love her! There was some dementia because on another occasion she called me mean , when again I was just trying to help her. Tell me how to survive this ! If there is any hope for me. How could I say this to a person in terrific paib

It may seem trite to say that who are you not to forgive what God has forgiven, but it is true. Generally, we need to be reminded of this concerning others, but occasionally for ourselves. We all live with some regrets. We are all guilty of behaving in ways inconsistent with our position in Christ, and wish we could have some do-overs. The do-over that God has given us is confession. In confession, we can find not only forgiveness for our sins, but also we are cleansed from all unrighteousness. God gives us a clean slate. In doing so, we are made more sensitive to the feelings and needs of others that we become a source of life to them; both in the way we treat others and in not taking offense from the insensitivities of others. We become a double blessing. So...the best way to move forward is by honoring your mother by honoring others. I'm sure she looks forward to seeing you in eternity.

Praying for you.

 

[Roughsoul1991]

Since my Mom died on Dec 2nd much has been a blur. To clarify some things, I read through my journals. I found a few times out of frustration over my Mother's health, I yelled at her. Once I thought she had a UTI so a bath was necessary. She liked a bath but didn't feel like it. I told her it would be quick. But she went on and on and I yelled at her. Then, on Nov 23rd she went to ER to be checked out. It was discovered she had really bad degenerative disc disease. We were discharged that night. She slept most of the night but sweetly woke up and we had a loving relationship. We were always very close. Fast forward to Nov 26th, she was given a bath by me but I couldn't pull her up in the bed so called firemen. They pulled her up. Later I fixed her something to eat. She didn't want it said she had never liked the item. In frustration, I called her a bad name. I was so worried about her not eating. She told me she wished I'd go away. I said, maybe I'll die. She said, Maybe, you will. On November 26th or 27th, I have listed under the 27th, her saying, Remember, you haven't done anything wrong. She had Forgiven me over and over. I would say I'm sorry and she would say, There's nothing to forgive. Hospice started with her on November 28th. She died on December 2nd. I can't forgive myself forcwhat I said. I didn't know she was dieing but I shouldn't havecsaid it regardless.
I worry she thought I didn't love her! There was some dementia because on another occasion she called me mean , when again I was just trying to help her. Tell me how to survive this ! If there is any hope for me. How could I say this to a person in terrific paib

1. Christ has forgiven you.
2. Dementia is very difficult for the caregiver.
3. You as the caregiver must also provide yourself grace because despite our best intentions, high stress, exhaustion, frustration, emotions, etc will always cause us to not respond in the way we need to. They are your body's way of saying something is wrong. Ask yourself would act negatively towards your mom back when she didn't need a caregiver? Probably not.
4. Being present was evident of your love.
5. The end of one's life doesn't negate the memories and actions throughout her life and the relationship y'all had. It was ingrained in her just as much as you.
6. She loved you and forgave you. If God has forgiven, if your mom has forgiven, it is time for you to forgive yourself.
7. Rest in the fact that you despite the bumps in the road were a committed caregiver all the way until the end.

Rest in Christ as your mom rests in His embrace.

 

[crmvet]

Philippians 4:6-7

 

[caduceus2]

I'm sure she knew you loved her. You were caring for her. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You just made a mistake. Everyone, and I mean everyone says something they shouldn't sometimes. You were just tired/exasperated. Ask God to forgive you for losing your temper. Also forgive yourself. If it was someone else with this story you would be understanding if they told this to you. You don't need to hold yourself to some unique standard.

 

[Brasspen]

Her spirit lives on...