Challenging behaviour

[Amyjane]

Morning,
What are the views of fellow single parents or indeed families around the use of spanking as a form of correction. Since separation my daughter (9) has become rebellious and constant challenge. Church friends have discussed the spanking method but so difficult as a single mother. Genuine views and guidance is welcome x

 

[JohnDB]

GM,
Parenting is difficult....and I'm curious if your daughter's father is active in her life....he CAN be a support in this.

About 9 year olds....
Every one is unique and different. Including yours. She's a individual no different from a coworker that you need to get along with....except in this scenario you are the boss....and she is not allowed to quit.

Now she is 9...and as such she can make logical deductions and long term decisions (with assistance) just the same as you. So....include her in making decisions....including what is right and wrong and punishments and rewards.

Spanking? Coporal punishment?
Absolute willful defiance. Otherwise nope. Gets overused and for arbitrary things which ends up as confusing messages .....and at 9? The plot is lost when it's used. At 5 or 6? Fine if necessary but otherwise generally it's just someone bigger hitting someone smaller because they can.

And her "defiance" lately?
She is angry about something....likely at both of her parents for splitting up. But that's just a guess. Maybe talking....not at her but WITH her for a change. ASK QUESTIONS AND USE HER ANSWERS.

Look...she is growing up fast....and in 10 years you don't want her managing a discount schlock chain store and incapable of saying the phrase "Mom was right" without going into a rage fit at the mere thought of doing so.

Yes. You are her mother....never going to change. But you and she can work together....and she can be involved and responsible for substantial tasks around the house beyond just schoolwork. She isn't a maid....but chores and responsibilities are kinda expected.

My son threw a fit about chores too....but I explained to him that EVERY member of the house had chores....he was not exempt and his share could become more equal but he would NOT like having the equal portion.
Other houses have 2 parents and decent grandparents....we are not fortunate in that area so get over it and get to living successfully. Because the alternative is unsuccessful living. AKA jail, dead, crackwhore or some other horrible and painful thing. (You are a parent....lectures are only natural...but don't abuse the privilege)

 

[ResidentAlien]

Morning,
What are the views of fellow single parents or indeed families around the use of spanking as a form of correction. Since separation my daughter (9) has become rebellious and constant challenge. Church friends have discussed the spanking method but so difficult as a single mother. Genuine views and guidance is welcome x

Hi Amyjane. That's a tough call. There's a time and place for spanking; but personally I'd try to find other ways. Age nine is a little old for spanking, in my opinion. You might think about other forms of discipline.

Is there anyone in your church who might be able to take her under their wing and be a sort of mentor to her? Rebellious children may not respond to family members, but if it's someone outside the family she might respond better.

In any event, I'd look for methods that let her know you love her and will give you a closer relationship. You want to keep her close, not drive her away.

 

[cinder]

How long ago was the separation? It upends your daughter's world as much as it does yours and she's got less emotional maturity to process the situation and had no say in it.

So while you should stop inappropriate behavior before it becomes a habit, I'm inclined to see your daughter's behavior as trying to figure out how to deal with a difficult transition and emotional situation rather than her wanting to do wrong (I may be wrong about that but it's worth considering).

Regardless of the why, 9 is about the age when spanking stops being effective or appropriate. Losing privileges like internet access, doing fun things, watching tv or movies, etc is more likely to help her see negative consequences to bad behavior. But mostly I think making sure she's got trustworthy adults, including you, she can talk to about things is the first thing you want to do.

But I'm not a parent, so all this is from observation and remembering what worked on me as a kid.

 

[Billyd]

I consider myself a lousy parent. Looking back, I see far too many correction attempts when what I really needed to apply much more leadership. My advice to you and others here is to get involved in your children's life. Devote every free moment of your day to them. Put down the electronics and take them to the park, play games, go fishing, etc.

Spanking is an open-handed swat on the backside of toddlers when they are about to harm themselves. It's used to move them away from danger.

What your children see in you will guide their entire life. Make it positive.