Church

[breno785au]

I'm looking for some independent advice here. For a couple years now (or maybe more) I've felt like I don't really fit in at the church I attend. My wife's been feeling the same way for some time now. I don't really know how to explain it but we feel lonely, invisible and to the extreme unaccepted. There's no direct reasons for this, as in, no one has said anything or whatever to make us feel that way. It almost seems like people are happy with their friendship circles and only certain people are allowed in. Initially, I thought it was just me, I will try harder, be more outgoing (I'm not the greatest socialite when it comes to larger groups) but I discovered my wife feels the same way, another friend has always felt the same way, and just recently discovered yesterday another friends wife does too.

We are going to talk to the elders about it tomorrow, though I know we should have brought it up a long time ago but honestly, I've been afraid and don't know how to approach such a thing. At the moment, we are both feeling like we want to disappear but we want to do it on good terms obviously.

Does anybody know what I'm talking about and any wisdom on how to approach or what one should do? Certainly have prayed about it but I feel most of time my desire to want to find somewhere else would not hear the word to stay to be honest hehe...

 

[Willie-T]

Has the church put all of you to work in meaningful ways?

 

[breno785au]

If this is what you mean...on a small roster looking after everyone's children during service. My wife requested to join the worship team a while ago but we met with some strange resistance. Other than that, no that's all.

 

[Sirk]

I think you are making the right choice by talking to them. The other side of the coin with religious people is that you have them chasing you down and knocking on your door all the time. Hard to find balance there.

 

[p_rehbein]

If both you and your wife are feeling this strongly about being unaccepted by the congregation and leaders of the church you are attending, then you have already been there too long. You and your wife are not to blame. The Pastor, elders, and congregation in general are responsible to extend the hand of christian fellowship to new persons and make them feel loved, appreciated, welcome, and wanted.

If anyone came to the church I attend and had this complaint about the Pastor or elders, I would immediately address the issue with the Pastor and elders and remind them all that they are servants of the congregation and not overlords.

I wouldn't talk with them, nor would I post any bad reports about them, I would simply take the opportunity to go and visit other churches/congregations and find one who does extend the hand of christian fellowship and love to visitors/new members. No worries about good terms if you don't make an issue of all this with them by meeting with them, after all, they have had ample opportunities to come to you and your wife and welcome you into the church congregation family.

I know of a few congregations like this, ones so clickish that they do not accept any new members and visitors only visit once as a general rule. It is a sad thing, and it is NOT Biblical.

Start visiting other churches..........pray and ask God to direct your paths to a warm, loving congregation where you and your wife can grow in Christ and in fellowship with other believers.

 

[Willie-T]

If this is what you mean...on a small roster looking after everyone's children during service. My wife requested to join the worship team a while ago but we met with some strange resistance. Other than that, no that's all.

The congregants should BE the church and operate the church, and anything less is just going to a performance. I don't think anyone can truly feel part of a church like that.

 

[breno785au]

I can't say they weren't welcoming at the beginning, we've had the church starters over for dinner a couple of times but its like there's no connection between leadership and the "in" crowd. Some people can turn up and fit in like a glove, be great if it were like that for us, wouldn't be having this issue lol...I've visited church's in the past where I've literally felt the warmth of the Holy Spirit amongst the people and I didn't want to leave, I'm longing for that.

 

[p_rehbein]

I can't say they weren't welcoming at the beginning, we've had the church starters over for dinner a couple of times but its like there's no connection between leadership and the "in" crowd. Some people can turn up and fit in like a glove, be great if it were like that for us, wouldn't be having this issue lol...I've visited church's in the past where I've literally felt the warmth of the Holy Spirit amongst the people and I didn't want to leave, I'm longing for that.

Then seek Him out! If you and your wife are not blessed by the Holy Spirit in your current congregation, it doesn't matter how nice the people are, or how convenient the location is.......go where the Holy Spirit is there to bless you.

 

[Ugly]

I can't say they weren't welcoming at the beginning, we've had the church starters over for dinner a couple of times but its like there's no connection between leadership and the "in" crowd. Some people can turn up and fit in like a glove, be great if it were like that for us, wouldn't be having this issue lol...I've visited church's in the past where I've literally felt the warmth of the Holy Spirit amongst the people and I didn't want to leave, I'm longing for that.

It's just a 'clique' mentality. You see this all the time in the chat rooms. Some people join and try and try to get 'in' while others join and seem to automatically be accepted.
Even as a teen i witnessed this in my youth group. The youth pastor had his favorites and it was clear. He gave them special treatment and anyone else was on the sidelines. I think a part of it, at least, had to do with the size of the school the favorites went to. When they had a special day set aside to have all the youth go to their school and pass out tracts, all the kids in the big schools got all of his attention, while people like me, in small schools didn't even get acknowledged unless i went up and said something. All that happened was he called over one of the leaders (which were not usually recognizable to begin with) and i was ignored by the youth pastor the rest of the time, as were others.
Churches are cliques and politics.

 

[p_rehbein]

It's just a 'clique' mentality. You see this all the time in the chat rooms. Some people join and try and try to get 'in' while others join and seem to automatically be accepted.
Even as a teen i witnessed this in my youth group. The youth pastor had his favorites and it was clear. He gave them special treatment and anyone else was on the sidelines. I think a part of it, at least, had to do with the size of the school the favorites went to. When they had a special day set aside to have all the youth go to their school and pass out tracts, all the kids in the big schools got all of his attention, while people like me, in small schools didn't even get acknowledged unless i went up and said something. All that happened was he called over one of the leaders (which were not usually recognizable to begin with) and i was ignored by the youth pastor the rest of the time, as were others.
Churches are cliques and politics.

Sadly, this is true for some, possibly even many church congregations. But it is not true for all of them, for I know that the various congregations I visit/attend are not that way. I love my church, Church of God, Anderson, and the various congregations I like to visit because I am "family" when I show up.

 

[breno785au]

Thanks for all the comments so far. I'm sorry if it seems so obvious what we should do, just that I, we, don't take leaving churches lightly. We will leave and explain our thoughts and feelings to the elders tomorrow. We can't go on like this for any longer.

 

[Sirk]

Thanks for all the comments so far. I'm sorry if it seems so obvious what we should do, just that I, we, don't take leaving churches lightly. We will leave and explain our thoughts and feelings to the elders tomorrow. We can't go on like this for any longer.

Not to sound all depressed but I was on a worship team for better than 12 years at a church. I defended the pastor fiercely. When it came time to defend me they left me out in the cold. I decided to leave and haven't heard from any of them. I found a little church that I'll probably start going to in the fall. Might even help with the worship. The one time I went there, it felt like I always wanted it to feel at the church I called home.

 

[santuzza]

Why not get together with your friends who are feeling the same thing and make your own "clique?" It's one group you're sure to feel accepted in!

I'm joking here a bit -- I know it's a serious problem. I would go to the elder board all together (with your friends who feel the same way) and perhaps together you can identify the problem and discover a solution. Two heads are better than one!

Good luck -- I do know the feeling, and all it does is make you feel isolated from the Family of God. Not a good space to be in. If things don't work out with the elder board, then you know it's time to move on.

 

[resurrection33]

I'm looking for some independent advice here. For a couple years now (or maybe more) I've felt like I don't really fit in at the church I attend. My wife's been feeling the same way for some time now. I don't really know how to explain it but we feel lonely, invisible and to the extreme unaccepted. There's no direct reasons for this, as in, no one has said anything or whatever to make us feel that way. It almost seems like people are happy with their friendship circles and only certain people are allowed in. Initially, I thought it was just me, I will try harder, be more outgoing (I'm not the greatest socialite when it comes to larger groups) but I discovered my wife feels the same way, another friend has always felt the same way, and just recently discovered yesterday another friends wife does too.

We are going to talk to the elders about it tomorrow, though I know we should have brought it up a long time ago but honestly, I've been afraid and don't know how to approach such a thing. At the moment, we are both feeling like we want to disappear but we want to do it on good terms obviously.

Does anybody know what I'm talking about and any wisdom on how to approach or what one should do? Certainly have prayed about it but I feel most of time my desire to want to find somewhere else would not hear the word to stay to be honest hehe...

I think I would ask myself if your congregation is bashful or are they unfriendly? I am a bit bashful, so I probably don’t do as good a job as I should greeting people at church.

And I am not terribly social, in that I don’t socialize in the social hall after church or go to a lot of church functions. I sing in the choir and get a lot of fellowship there.

 

[HisHolly]

That church gave you what it was designed to give you. You've out grown it. Churches have different levels of teaching bc the Leaders are in different levels.. Glory to Glory.. unfortunately not everyone advances.. when you out grow a church it's bc they are no longer moving at the pace they were or should be.. Take it as a compliment that you are being led out..

 

[SparkleEyes]

I'm looking for some independent advice here. For a couple years now (or maybe more) I've felt like I don't really fit in at the church I attend. My wife's been feeling the same way for some time now. I don't really know how to explain it but we feel lonely, invisible and to the extreme unaccepted. There's no direct reasons for this, as in, no one has said anything or whatever to make us feel that way. It almost seems like people are happy with their friendship circles and only certain people are allowed in. Initially, I thought it was just me, I will try harder, be more outgoing (I'm not the greatest socialite when it comes to larger groups) but I discovered my wife feels the same way, another friend has always felt the same way, and just recently discovered yesterday another friends wife does too.

We are going to talk to the elders about it tomorrow, though I know we should have brought it up a long time ago but honestly, I've been afraid and don't know how to approach such a thing. At the moment, we are both feeling like we want to disappear but we want to do it on good terms obviously.

Does anybody know what I'm talking about and any wisdom on how to approach or what one should do? Certainly have prayed about it but I feel most of time my desire to want to find somewhere else would not hear the word to stay to be honest hehe...

I am not trying to be critical, but how much effort have you put in to become more integrated in the church and the people. Do you volunteer at the church? Do you greet others and try to strike up a convo? Do you participate in any small groups or church dinners or other events?

It is not up to the others (especially the pastors and elders) to make sure EVERYONE feels warm fuzzy and welcome?

I truly don't mean to criticize.

 

[breno785au]

I am not trying to be critical, but how much effort have you put in to become more integrated in the church and the people. Do you volunteer at the church? Do you greet others and try to strike up a convo? Do you participate in any small groups or church dinners or other events?

It is not up to the others (especially the pastors and elders) to make sure EVERYONE feels warm fuzzy and welcome?

I truly don't mean to criticize.

We most certainly have tried, as I have a habit of always thinking its me. So I did, we did. We were even attending leaders meetings because at one stage we held a teaching course in our living room. Its still empty and lonely, and us not being the only ones, as we have discovered, shows its not just us. We have done what we are able, with 2 small children and all.
You can only give so much.

 

[p_rehbein]

Thanks for all the comments so far. I'm sorry if it seems so obvious what we should do, just that I, we, don't take leaving churches lightly. We will leave and explain our thoughts and feelings to the elders tomorrow. We can't go on like this for any longer.

Nothing wrong with visiting other churches, and, as long as you don't burn any bridges, I suppose you could always try the old church again.

 

[breno785au]

Nothing wrong with visiting other churches, and, as long as you don't burn any bridges, I suppose you could always try the old church again.

True that. And no, I'm desiring a peaceable exit. I don't want any bad feelings or whatever.

 

[working4christ2]

I'm looking for some independent advice here. For a couple years now (or maybe more) I've felt like I don't really fit in at the church I attend. My wife's been feeling the same way for some time now. I don't really know how to explain it but we feel lonely, invisible and to the extreme unaccepted. There's no direct reasons for this, as in, no one has said anything or whatever to make us feel that way. It almost seems like people are happy with their friendship circles and only certain people are allowed in. Initially, I thought it was just me, I will try harder, be more outgoing (I'm not the greatest socialite when it comes to larger groups) but I discovered my wife feels the same way, another friend has always felt the same way, and just recently discovered yesterday another friends wife does too.

We are going to talk to the elders about it tomorrow, though I know we should have brought it up a long time ago but honestly, I've been afraid and don't know how to approach such a thing. At the moment, we are both feeling like we want to disappear but we want to do it on good terms obviously.

Does anybody know what I'm talking about and any wisdom on how to approach or what one should do? Certainly have prayed about it but I feel most of time my desire to want to find somewhere else would not hear the word to stay to be honest hehe...

My dear friend in Christ,

Perhaps your missing what is going on behind the scene here?

Permit me to explain.

Life is a "GOD TEST"

Thinks like "luck" {good or bad"}; happenstance, coincidence simply are very mortal men trying to explain, what is very often explainable.

EVERYTHING and everyone who passes our life-path does so with GOD"S approval, for one of two reasons.

If its for a "good": ... God is GLORIFIED and we are sanctified {receive grace}

IF it is an "evil or bad thing"; GOD is still Glorified for having given us the opportunity to choose a good {for example to sin or not to sin, or to accept our Cross without complaint}, but we receive no grace for choosing evil, or complaining about how unfair it is that our Cross has gotten heaver.

Romans 5:20
Now the law entered in, that sin might abound. And where sin abounded, grace did more abound.

Everything is either caused by God or permitted by God for one of these two responses.

It is a FACT that God is ALWAYS in charge!

Therefore this feeling" your experiencing MIGHT be the Holy Spirit prompting "you" to discover God's necessarily singular truth. His One true Faith and Church. {Noting else id possible, logical or desired by God who can only hold ONE set of Faith beliefs.}

There is but One TRUE God {the 1st Commandment"}

Even God can only hold to One TRUE set of faith beliefs. The bible has NOT one single instance, not one example where God was ever tolerant of competing sets of faith beliefs. So either you are a part of GOD"S /Christ One True Church or you are in competition with that One Church/One Faith.

The Church chosen and founded and protected by Christ and the Holy Spirit is today's Catholic Church which historically and biblically date back to the Apostles

Mt 16:15-19
[15] Jesus saith to them: But whom do you say that I am?[16] Simon Peter answered and said: Thou art Christ, the Son of the living God. [17] And Jesus answering, said to him: Blessed art thou, Simon Bar-Jona: because flesh and blood hath not revealed it to thee, but my Father who is in heaven. [18] And I say to thee: That thou art Peter; and upon this rock I will build my church, {singular} and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. [19]And I will give to thee {all of implied} the keys of the kingdom of heaven. And whatsoever YOU shalt bind upon earth, it shall be bound also in heaven: and whatsoever YOU shalt loose upon earth, it shall be loosed also in heaven.John 17:17-20
{Jesus in his human nature praying to "The Father" on behalf of Hos Apostles and His Catholic Church}
[17] Sanctify them in truth. Thy word is truth. [18] As thou hast sent me into the world, I also have sent them into the world. [19] And for themdo I sanctify myself, that they also may be sanctified in truth. [20] And not for them only do I pray, but for them also who through their word shall believe in me"

Mt 28:19-20
. [19] Going therefore, teach YOU all nations; baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. [20]Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded YOU: and behold I am with YOU all days, even to the consummation of the world.

[FONT=arial, times new roman, georgia, trebuchet ms, verdana, helvetica]These singular tense words were selected, GOD inspired {2nd Tim 3:16-17} to teach precisely this message.

[/FONT]Pray about it

God Bless you
Patrick