Hey there. I'm a 21 year old Christian guy that attends college online. I grew up a shy, only child. Never had many friends either so I've always been kind of lonely I guess. Never had a girlfriend. Like I said I take college classes online and live with my parents. I really would like to have a family of my own but I've never dated. Wow I haven't even been around any girls my age for about 3 years. I really do want a family of my own preferable with multiple children since I never had siblings. I also feel a little left out because my cousins are 25,23,22 and all married and my other cousin is 18 and will probably get married soon. And I've never even held hands with a girl. I don't know where to find one. And even if my dream girl walked right up to my front door I wouldn't know what to do. I'm shy and don't have much confidence. And I'm not sure about the line between showing a girl I like her and sinning over her. Well any help would be great. Thanks.
Depressed about hopelessness of ever finding a girlfriend/wife
- Thread starter brandonbwch
- Start date
-
Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.
If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!
To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
You know I'm the same way now and I would have made this same exact post 3 years ago. I say focus on college for now since you don't need any unnecessary distractions. I've been told by people here, I'm to young so don't worry about having no one now. So I guess I'll pass on the same advice to you. You're not alone trust me.
T
Tinuviel
Guest
Shyness can be overcome. Just sayin'. I used my shyness all my childhood as an excuse to not to do what I didn't want to. I was shocked when I discovered that. But I realized that all my life, I could have been more use to my brothers and sisters in Christ if I had quit focusing on myself and how shy I was and how painful it was to interact with people. I am still working on this. I am naturally extremely shy. I still would prefer not to go anywhere or talk to people. Thankfully, God had a sense of humor. We have a small church core-group with lots of visitors, and I somehow got into the family who is the unofficial welcoming committee 
Quit focusing on yourself. Focus on God and those around you. And for pete's sake, don't jump the gun and give up when you're only 21! The average age for men marrying in the USofA is 29. Yeah, some marry below that. You know what? I was one of those girls who assumed I would get married right out of highschool. That was the only dream I have ever had. That didn't happen. That wasn't God's plan. You know what else? I haven't died
. God has this under control.
Quit focusing on yourself. Focus on God and those around you. And for pete's sake, don't jump the gun and give up when you're only 21! The average age for men marrying in the USofA is 29. Yeah, some marry below that. You know what? I was one of those girls who assumed I would get married right out of highschool. That was the only dream I have ever had. That didn't happen. That wasn't God's plan. You know what else? I haven't died
. God has this under control.Don't try to be who you are not, if shy is who you are then let it be because trust me, there's someone for everyone. Some women will be attracted to shyness.
I'm shy myself- an introvert but also an extrovert depending on the people around me. I realized that shyness is not a disability or some form of negative attribute, it's just people being afraid to make any mistakes and it turns them to perfectionists. They'd even be afraid to talk because before a sentence comes out, every word has to go through editing and formatting - oh, if i say this and it turns out that the recipient will find it to mean this, then i will have wronged them; that's like a summary of what happens to shy people but there's absolutely nothing wrong. Just go out there with a smiley face and before you know it, some talkative lady will initiate something.
I'm shy myself- an introvert but also an extrovert depending on the people around me. I realized that shyness is not a disability or some form of negative attribute, it's just people being afraid to make any mistakes and it turns them to perfectionists. They'd even be afraid to talk because before a sentence comes out, every word has to go through editing and formatting - oh, if i say this and it turns out that the recipient will find it to mean this, then i will have wronged them; that's like a summary of what happens to shy people but there's absolutely nothing wrong. Just go out there with a smiley face and before you know it, some talkative lady will initiate something.
Wow. If you have written off finding a wife as hopeless at 21, I must be a total waste case at 39...
Stay cool man. Just take life as it comes and live it while it's here. Enjoy what parts of life you have and don't focus so much on the parts you don't have. You may get married someday. Or maybe you won't. But don't miss the whole rest of your life just because you don't have a wife.
While you were reading this post, three minutes of your life passed you by. You could have gone to get a delicious bowl of ice cream in those three minutes. Or you could have thrown the ball for your dog. Or you could have looked up a funny joke.
Stay cool man. Just take life as it comes and live it while it's here. Enjoy what parts of life you have and don't focus so much on the parts you don't have. You may get married someday. Or maybe you won't. But don't miss the whole rest of your life just because you don't have a wife.
While you were reading this post, three minutes of your life passed you by. You could have gone to get a delicious bowl of ice cream in those three minutes. Or you could have thrown the ball for your dog. Or you could have looked up a funny joke.
T
Tinuviel
Guest
Of course, you don't know all the situation. One of the most mature, sweetest women I know is still at home with her parents. Because they are aged and unable to get around anymore and she is taking care of them. I'm not saying that is what this is, but since knowing that girl, I have never out-of-hand spoken to a young person about moving out on their own since.
I lived with my parents until I was 33 
OP, a few years ago, I looked up the average age people get married. at that time, it was 28. a lot of people are waiting due to education/careers, which in my opinion, is not a bad thing.
are you involved with a local congregation/ministry? that's a great way to meet people. I'm a shy person too, but when I got involved in ministry, it helped me to be comfortable around others.
OP, a few years ago, I looked up the average age people get married. at that time, it was 28. a lot of people are waiting due to education/careers, which in my opinion, is not a bad thing.
are you involved with a local congregation/ministry? that's a great way to meet people. I'm a shy person too, but when I got involved in ministry, it helped me to be comfortable around others.
If you knew what being married was really like, and what being in a serious relationship is really like, you would realize that being single can be a huge blessing. Just take a look at some of the threads in the Family forum to get an idea of what I mean...
T
Tinuviel
Guest
Hey friend! Thanks for sharing your heart here! I see that you are interested in marriage and family! That is very good! I also see that you are young and don't leave your house for study. Do you attend any social events or gatherings like sports, church, etc? These are great opportunities to meet people. I suggest that you try to put yourself in situations in which you will be able to interact with different kinds of people, like attending a concert or a game. Maybe being an usher at church or hospitality will allow you to start sharpening those social skills for the service of the Lord and others. This will help you to establish some friendships and more social opportunities while you keep a healthy balance with your studies. Above all, trust in the Lord and ask for what you want and He will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4)
L
LittleMermaid
Guest
I see a bigger problem. I do not recommend you do online college. Usually that means it's a for-profit school that you are going to and those degrees don't really count. Please look into this. Colleges like University of Phoenix, ITT Tech, Everest, The Art Institutes, Kaplan etc. are all for-profit schools. They usually get students by telling them they can take classes online. The problem is that most of them are not accredited and even if they are employers look down on those degrees. I'm just trying to help you out brother. I have a second-cousin who went to The Art Institutes and he is now loaded with debt and without a job in what he studied.
Also, if you go in person, you'll meet girls and make friends.
It sounds like you have social anxiety. I used to be like that at your age. Don't waste time by being scared. You need to force yourself to go out and explore new things and meet people. Praying for you...you can do this!
Also, if you go in person, you'll meet girls and make friends.
It sounds like you have social anxiety. I used to be like that at your age. Don't waste time by being scared. You need to force yourself to go out and explore new things and meet people. Praying for you...you can do this!
I know we all like to put the responsibility on God for our happiness. We expect Him to find us the perfect mate and line up our dream job, make our children listen and even give us self control to sin less. Here’s the truth that I wish somebody told me at your age. God doesn’t work like that! Relationships, our life and behaviour is on us. Christ died to free us from the bonds of sin show us that we are to walk spiritually, not carnally. He doesn’t micro manage our lives.
You are shy because you are unconfident. You have taken no risks and fear failure. As much as we like to deny that we are part of the animal kingdom, chemicals, psychology and biology play a huge part in our human interactions. In the wild, alpha males are dominant and are selected by the choice females. Attraction is based on several attributes. Different times of the month women are attracted to different types of men, based on biological chemical internal reactions.
Our desire to mate, and share a life is a carnally driven instinct. For the most part media brainwashes us from a young age and encourages our desires. They tie happiness to love and sex because it sells and people want to believe it. People who think this will make them happy spend all of their money improving their appearance and “selling features” to chase this dream. Even after several failed marriages some still cling to the belief that the right person is out there rather than identifying that they are the common denominator in their failed relationships.
Those who live spiritually are often chased and fast often. It’s not about starving yourself from pleasure but identifying that pleasure is just a chemical reaction that steers our desires. As someone who has been married for twenty years and has four children, I can tell you it’s a drain. It’s an immense amount of work. Many individuals who have made an impact for God and society weren’t men working on their marriages. You can’t serve two masters.
We are social creatures/pack animals and need to feel as though we are accepted by a group. This is more carnality. If it is being social, married and “happy” that you want then embrace your carnal side. Be the alpha male. Go to the gym, get a stylish haircut, a nice car, a nice house, perfect teeth and put yourself out there socially until you find a group that accepts you. If you are more interested in peace and wisdom, stay academic (study everything), pray, meditate and observe. God will use you to lead in some way.
You are shy because you are unconfident. You have taken no risks and fear failure. As much as we like to deny that we are part of the animal kingdom, chemicals, psychology and biology play a huge part in our human interactions. In the wild, alpha males are dominant and are selected by the choice females. Attraction is based on several attributes. Different times of the month women are attracted to different types of men, based on biological chemical internal reactions.
Our desire to mate, and share a life is a carnally driven instinct. For the most part media brainwashes us from a young age and encourages our desires. They tie happiness to love and sex because it sells and people want to believe it. People who think this will make them happy spend all of their money improving their appearance and “selling features” to chase this dream. Even after several failed marriages some still cling to the belief that the right person is out there rather than identifying that they are the common denominator in their failed relationships.
Those who live spiritually are often chased and fast often. It’s not about starving yourself from pleasure but identifying that pleasure is just a chemical reaction that steers our desires. As someone who has been married for twenty years and has four children, I can tell you it’s a drain. It’s an immense amount of work. Many individuals who have made an impact for God and society weren’t men working on their marriages. You can’t serve two masters.
We are social creatures/pack animals and need to feel as though we are accepted by a group. This is more carnality. If it is being social, married and “happy” that you want then embrace your carnal side. Be the alpha male. Go to the gym, get a stylish haircut, a nice car, a nice house, perfect teeth and put yourself out there socially until you find a group that accepts you. If you are more interested in peace and wisdom, stay academic (study everything), pray, meditate and observe. God will use you to lead in some way.
I had to giggle about this because it reminds me so much of many video games I have played. You can't get anywhere in most games by trying to be a combination of melee fighter, archer AND mage. If you try to be good at everything you just wind up being mediocre at everything. But if you pick one and throw all your skill points into that one way, you will totally rule the whole game.
Likewise you can't get anywhere in life trying to reach EVERY goal on all sides. First you have to identify what your primary goals are in life, why you are trying to reach them (which is often more important than identifying the goal itself, and could result in changing your goals) and only then can you start figuring out how to reach them.
Last edited:
I love this post! Thanks for your honesty. It is ABSOLUTELY apparent that you are a genuine person who will no doubt meet the girl of your dreams, and the two of you will fall madly in love with each other, get married, have many kids, and further God's kingdom here on earth. Doing online school can be isolating. The good news is there are other means to meeting someone. Have you considered volunteering somewhere? Maybe an animal shelter or an outreach program through a local church? This would give you the ability to not only help the less fortunate, but it would also provide a way for you to meet and interact with others in a non-threatening and non-socially awkward way. And if you think about it, people that do this kind of volunteer work are generally going to be those kinds of people that will see you for who you are, and I really think they are going to like you.
T
Tinuviel
Guest
On the other side of that coin, there are some distance colleges that are not only accredited but highly acclaimed. Excelsior College in NY is such a one. Two siblings of mine graduated from Excelsior, and my sister went on to be on the advisory board for several years, eventually became president of the advisory board.
That being said, I do totally agree with you that some are practically shams and it needs to be looked in to before taking classes.
I will give my views on this. I have been single all my life, things didn't turn out as I had hoped. I had plans and dreams but they just didn't work out, illness got in the way.
I myself am over 40, and still am single. Sure many others who chosen to remain single will at times wonder if they made the right choice. I have the same desires like everyone else, but because of my circumstances, and because I know people who have been ruined financially as a result of getting married, I know I made the right choice.
In this day and age I personally thing being single is the best. Being single, I have been spared from so much worries. Being single is hard at times, feelings of loneliness, that desire of wanting companionship, these are normal emotions. But in saying that, what can be worse that being single is marrying someone just so you don't want to be alone. How many people out there are that are in marriages, and their lives have become much worse compared to when they were single?
I myself am over 40, and still am single. Sure many others who chosen to remain single will at times wonder if they made the right choice. I have the same desires like everyone else, but because of my circumstances, and because I know people who have been ruined financially as a result of getting married, I know I made the right choice.
In this day and age I personally thing being single is the best. Being single, I have been spared from so much worries. Being single is hard at times, feelings of loneliness, that desire of wanting companionship, these are normal emotions. But in saying that, what can be worse that being single is marrying someone just so you don't want to be alone. How many people out there are that are in marriages, and their lives have become much worse compared to when they were single?