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DEPRESSION: A Ladybug's True Story of Dark vs. Light
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Luckymonroe4
Guest
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kennethcadwell
Guest
Thank you for sharing............
DISCLAIMER: Long post alert, but this is a very serious topic which needs to be addressed so please read it in it's entirety!! Thank you!!
Hey everyone, this is another chapter in my battles with different things. I have recently written about my battles with cancer, and epilepsy, in hopes of helping others who are going through the same things. What I am about to write is a true story. It is about my life-long battle with severe depression. Depression takes many forms. It may cause a person to self-harm, have addictions to drugs and/ or alcohol, and have feelings of being worthless, inadequate, and feeling like an unloved failure. Many times I have felt worthless, unloved, and that I would be better off dead. I have felt that no one cares, that I don't matter, and at times I have felt that God has forsaken me. It always seems that when we need him the most, is when he feels the farthest away from us and cant hear us and does'nt care. Nothing could be further from the truth!! He DOES care! He IS listening! He IS with us.
I had a very lonely, unhappy childhood. I had very few friends. My best friend, who I have told my deepest, darkest thoughts and secrets to, is a brown teddy bear that my mom knitted for me when I was one year old. Teddy and I have literally been through hell together. Today he is old and ragged, and I have many battle scars!! Teddy knows all my pain, all my hurts, all my dirty little secrets that even my family don't know about. For the last several decades, since about age 12 or 13, I have struggled with severe depression nearly every day. I have never gotten along with my mother or oldest sister. They are both very mentally and verbally abusive people. I love them but I dont like them. My two sisters are only two years apart in age. I am 9 and 11 years younger, respectively, than they are. I dont get along with my oldest sister because life has bitterly jaded her and she is a nasty, negative person to be around and I cant handle that. For the most part, I never see her unless I absolutely have to. She has always been very nasty and rude to me, and negative to everyone in general. She is just like my mother in that respect. My mother is polite to others, but very curt to her own kids, except for my brother. He is her favorite child, and she never lets us girls forget it either!! Funny how she wanted girls, and had 3 of them, and had a boy and treats him like gold.
I have always wondered if my oldest sister is jealous of me because I grew up pretty much as an only child. My siblings had all moved out by the time I was old enough. My mother used to hit my sisters, but my brother claims he does not remember this, but then again he IS her favorite, and always defends her. I have never gotten along with my mom either. She had her own unhappy childhood, and she was beaten too, and she projected that behavior onto her own kids. When I was born, my sisters told my mother she was NOT going to hit me like she had with them, and she never did.. She used mental and verbal abuse instead. She would call me weird, odd, and strange. The truth is, she made me that way!! LOL. All my life I have felt very unloved by her. She does not know how to express her emotions very well. She always found, and still does, things to nitpick on me about. For the most part, and to preserve what little sanity I have left, I ignore her unless I absolutely cant avoid her. All my life I have resented her and hated her. But there comes a point where you just need to forgive and let go and move on.
About four years ago, my depression got the best (or worst) of me. My mom and I were having problems, I had just gotten over having cancer, and I had a wicked flea infestation that I just could not get rid of no matter what I tried!! Well, my mom and the fleas sent me over the edge into a deep dark hole. I was on the phone with my dad, screaming that I hated my mother, and bawling so hard I couldnt even breathe. My poor dad is always stuck in the middle--he wishes we could all just get along like the Brady Bunch or something. LOL.Anyway, I got off the phone, and still bawling and screaming, I yelled at God, "I wish you would bring my cancer back with a vengeance and let it kill me"!! Yes, I know that's an awful thing to say, but at the time I was totally serious. My depression worsened to the point where I could visually picture myself hanging from a rafter on my back porch!! That is an awful thought and an awful vision to have in one's head!! That is what depression does. It draws you down into the darkness and gives you those thoughts and images. I knew something had to change or I'd die.
My depression totally changed who I was. I went from being a happy, laughing 5 year old to a quiet, sad teenager, to a full-blown anti-social adult. Other things contributed also, but the main one was my depression. Rather often, I look at myself at 5 years old, and wonder where that happy girl went to and if I can get her back again. Thanks to God, I am succeeding in doing that!!My faith book is a computer folder full of bible verses, pictures, poems, prayers, inspirational sayings, wallpaper and screensavers. Anything that gives me hope and courage is in there. Anything that inspires me to keep going on with life and not give up is in there. Things that remind me to keep trusting in Jesus are in there. I use my faith book every day, both on my computer and on here, because my avatar of the blue ladybug is in my faith book.
These days, when I need a good laugh, I watch funny cat videos on Youtube. If I need a good cry, I just look at pictures of people and animals that I have lost. I felt compelled to join a christian chat room, so I typed "christian chat rooms" into my computer. Out of the 3 sites that I looked at, this site was the only one I could actually preview before I joined.
Lately, I have been writing on topics that I have read about in other people's posts on here. Topics such as self-harm, depression, suicide/suicidal thoughts, disease and disabilities. I have battled every single one of these things, and by God's grace, gained victory over them!!
To those of you struggling with ANY type of problem, I truly know how it feels. I have been in that dark place where you are now. I know how it feels to think you have nothing to live for, and no one to care about you. Remember this: God cares!! Jesus cares!! You CAN overcome depression, ANY problem, if you put your mind to it!! If you have Jesus you can do ANYTHING!! You can let your troubles drag you down into darkness, or you can use it to rise up into the light and become stronger. Jesus knows exactly what you and I go through. He knows that if we trust him to carry us through the darkness, we will emerge into the awesome light on the other side. Dont ever give up, dont ever give in!! My inbox on here is always open and anyone who is struggling right now is always welcome to pm me.
This is my true story. I hope it will strengthen and inspire you, and give you hope and courage. I dedicate this thread to all who are struggling right now. You are amazing, and you will win this fight!! God bless you all.
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grandma3912
Guest
Hi. I'm replying again. I want to add to my reply that your story was very helpful and inspiring to me. I do still have trouble with depression - it runs in my family on my father's side. I guess maybe manic depressive or something but I don't take any medication for it other then the Great Physicians medicine of love and compassion and comfort. I also read your story of suicide and you are one brave and strong lady in all you have gone through. May God continue to bless you daily and I applaud your courage in sharing your life with us.
Thank you, grandma..
I don't take any medcine for mine either. Like you, I rely on the Great physician.. God bless you. Feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk..
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grandma3912
Guest
Thank you. I joined CC so I could fellowship and I have enjoyed my fellowship with you today very much. 
Have a blessed evening if it's evening where you are. By-the-way I love your little blue ladybug. She is so cute.
Have a blessed evening if it's evening where you are. By-the-way I love your little blue ladybug. She is so cute.
Thank you. I joined CC so I could fellowship and I have enjoyed my fellowship with you today very much.
I'm in Vermont, and it's 9:35 p.m.
aww thank you, I have other ladybug pics, but I like this one the best.. 
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grandma3912
Guest
Duh. Of course it's evening there. Lol I was thinking u might b in another part of the world totally overlooking the US flag by your name. I'm in Colorado so it's an hour earlier here. So I will say goodnight since it's kind if late. late there. Have a good evening. Talk to u later
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Humiliatus
Guest
Read a great many of your threads today... several times found myself getting up from the computer to separate from your pain... some of your writings hit to close to home, the memory of those things best left in the hands of the Lord... other things touched my heart deeply for all that has been endured to the point of tears... Thank you for sharing so much of your journey in this world... I pray it will continue to be a beacon of hope for those in need and a great testament of faith for those who question.... God Bless
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jhunter
Guest
Hello Ladybug....I just read your article and wanted to say that it really helped tonight because I have been having a really bad day family struggles. Your transparency was wonderful it is refreshing and I just wanted you to know. Jan
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ShawnaMarie
Guest
DISCLAIMER: Long post alert, but this is a very serious topic which needs to be addressed so please read it in it's entirety!! Thank you!!
Hey everyone, this is another chapter in my battles with different things. I have recently written about my battles with cancer, and epilepsy, in hopes of helping others who are going through the same things. What I am about to write is a true story. It is about my life-long battle with severe depression. Depression takes many forms. It may cause a person to self-harm, have addictions to drugs and/ or alcohol, and have feelings of being worthless, inadequate, and feeling like an unloved failure. Many times I have felt worthless, unloved, and that I would be better off dead. I have felt that no one cares, that I don't matter, and at times I have felt that God has forsaken me. It always seems that when we need him the most, is when he feels the farthest away from us and cant hear us and does'nt care. Nothing could be further from the truth!! He DOES care! He IS listening! He IS with us.
I had a very lonely, unhappy childhood. I had very few friends. My best friend, who I have told my deepest, darkest thoughts and secrets to, is a brown teddy bear that my mom knitted for me when I was one year old. Teddy and I have literally been through hell together. Today he is old and ragged, and I have many battle scars!! Teddy knows all my pain, all my hurts, all my dirty little secrets that even my family don't know about. For the last several decades, since about age 12 or 13, I have struggled with severe depression nearly every day. I have never gotten along with my mother or oldest sister. They are both very mentally and verbally abusive people. I love them but I dont like them. My two sisters are only two years apart in age. I am 9 and 11 years younger, respectively, than they are. I dont get along with my oldest sister because life has bitterly jaded her and she is a nasty, negative person to be around and I cant handle that. For the most part, I never see her unless I absolutely have to. She has always been very nasty and rude to me, and negative to everyone in general. She is just like my mother in that respect. My mother is polite to others, but very curt to her own kids, except for my brother. He is her favorite child, and she never lets us girls forget it either!! Funny how she wanted girls, and had 3 of them, and had a boy and treats him like gold.
I have always wondered if my oldest sister is jealous of me because I grew up pretty much as an only child. My siblings had all moved out by the time I was old enough. My mother used to hit my sisters, but my brother claims he does not remember this, but then again he IS her favorite, and always defends her. I have never gotten along with my mom either. She had her own unhappy childhood, and she was beaten too, and she projected that behavior onto her own kids. When I was born, my sisters told my mother she was NOT going to hit me like she had with them, and she never did.. She used mental and verbal abuse instead. She would call me weird, odd, and strange. The truth is, she made me that way!! LOL. All my life I have felt very unloved by her. She does not know how to express her emotions very well. She always found, and still does, things to nitpick on me about. For the most part, and to preserve what little sanity I have left, I ignore her unless I absolutely cant avoid her. All my life I have resented her and hated her. But there comes a point where you just need to forgive and let go and move on.
About four years ago, my depression got the best (or worst) of me. My mom and I were having problems, I had just gotten over having cancer, and I had a wicked flea infestation that I just could not get rid of no matter what I tried!! Well, my mom and the fleas sent me over the edge into a deep dark hole. I was on the phone with my dad, screaming that I hated my mother, and bawling so hard I couldnt even breathe. My poor dad is always stuck in the middle--he wishes we could all just get along like the Brady Bunch or something. LOL.
My depression totally changed who I was. I went from being a happy, laughing 5 year old to a quiet, sad teenager, to a full-blown anti-social adult. Other things contributed also, but the main one was my depression. Rather often, I look at myself at 5 years old, and wonder where that happy girl went to and if I can get her back again. Thanks to God, I am succeeding in doing that!!
These days, when I need a good laugh, I watch funny cat videos on Youtube. If I need a good cry, I just look at pictures of people and animals that I have lost. I felt compelled to join a christian chat room, so I typed "christian chat rooms" into my computer. Out of the 3 sites that I looked at, this site was the only one I could actually preview before I joined.
Lately, I have been writing on topics that I have read about in other people's posts on here. Topics such as self-harm, depression, suicide/suicidal thoughts, disease and disabilities. I have battled every single one of these things, and by God's grace, gained victory over them!!
To those of you struggling with ANY type of problem, I truly know how it feels. I have been in that dark place where you are now. I know how it feels to think you have nothing to live for, and no one to care about you. Remember this: God cares!! Jesus cares!! You CAN overcome depression, ANY problem, if you put your mind to it!! If you have Jesus you can do ANYTHING!! You can let your troubles drag you down into darkness, or you can use it to rise up into the light and become stronger. Jesus knows exactly what you and I go through. He knows that if we trust him to carry us through the darkness, we will emerge into the awesome light on the other side. Dont ever give up, dont ever give in!! My inbox on here is always open and anyone who is struggling right now is always welcome to pm me.
This is my true story. I hope it will strengthen and inspire you, and give you hope and courage. I dedicate this thread to all who are struggling right now. You are amazing, and you will win this fight!! God bless you all.
Thank you so much for sharing, may God bless you in mkre ways than you can count
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GypsyRebel
Guest
Ty so much for this.. I too have lived a life without friends. Parents who loved me but truly didn't have parents who could teach them how to be supportive. I'm an only child. Now going through not my first but second separation with my husband I've been with since 1999. Trying to learn to put God first. Thank you again for posting hope. Since I have none for a future.
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sydlit
Guest
You have hope. 'For I am persuaded (convinced) , that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, NOR THINGS TO COME, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.' +Rom.8:38-39+ Rather than 'trying' to put Him first, allow Him to love you just as you are. The one thing we can do that honors God the most is believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and be saved. Let Him take you by the hand and lead you. He is in your future, and He knows what's best for us even as we all have struggles and are at different stages of growing in His grace and knowledge. 'The Lord is my strength and song, and is become my salvation.+Ps.118:14+.
You're welcome, GypsyRebel.
Of course you have hope for a future.. We all do. God has great things planned for you.
J
Jajee
Guest
My apologies in advance for the long message.
Thank you so much for sharing your story...it was very touching and truly inspirational. I too have struggled with depression most of my life, and over the past 7 years it's gotten a lot worse. My childhood was also not a happy one, but seeing my mom slowly die from a form of dementia for the last 7 years has made me yearn for those years.
My mother has FTD, many people describe it as the worst form of dementia a person can have. I have nothing else to compare it to, but any deadly illness to me is horrible. This disease is extremely aggressive disease, it literally changed her overnight. I haven't had a normal conversation with her in all those years, and haven't heard her voice or laugh in the last 3 years. To grieve for that long for somebody who is still alive so painful, and to try to understand God's reasoning for it can drive a person crazy. It has torn my family apart in ways I thought would never happen, and at times I felt myself drifting away from my faith. Thankfully I'm surrounded by many faithful people who would bring me back, and also reminding myself that it would break my mom's heart to hear that I'm doubting my beliefs.
Just this weekend through a support group for family members of people with FTD, I finally realized God's reasoning for this. Seeing my mom slowly die over the years has made me a much stronger person, and has made my faith in God stronger than it has ever been. It has also made me a lot more compassionate and forgiving, towards anyone that has hurt me. Although I continue to grieve and miss my mom dearly, I am filled with gratitude that God has finally given me some peace. I know that this is only the beginning of his blessings as I try to piece my life together again, and start to live a joyful and thankful life...something I haven't done in all these years.
God is great!
Thank you so much for sharing your story...it was very touching and truly inspirational. I too have struggled with depression most of my life, and over the past 7 years it's gotten a lot worse. My childhood was also not a happy one, but seeing my mom slowly die from a form of dementia for the last 7 years has made me yearn for those years.
My mother has FTD, many people describe it as the worst form of dementia a person can have. I have nothing else to compare it to, but any deadly illness to me is horrible. This disease is extremely aggressive disease, it literally changed her overnight. I haven't had a normal conversation with her in all those years, and haven't heard her voice or laugh in the last 3 years. To grieve for that long for somebody who is still alive so painful, and to try to understand God's reasoning for it can drive a person crazy. It has torn my family apart in ways I thought would never happen, and at times I felt myself drifting away from my faith. Thankfully I'm surrounded by many faithful people who would bring me back, and also reminding myself that it would break my mom's heart to hear that I'm doubting my beliefs.
Just this weekend through a support group for family members of people with FTD, I finally realized God's reasoning for this. Seeing my mom slowly die over the years has made me a much stronger person, and has made my faith in God stronger than it has ever been. It has also made me a lot more compassionate and forgiving, towards anyone that has hurt me. Although I continue to grieve and miss my mom dearly, I am filled with gratitude that God has finally given me some peace. I know that this is only the beginning of his blessings as I try to piece my life together again, and start to live a joyful and thankful life...something I haven't done in all these years.
God is great!
K
KateBelle
Guest
Thank you for sharing your testimony, Blue Ladybug! I too suffer from depression and it's not fun at all. Thankfully I have a loving mother who is willing to hear me out, although sometimes she finds it difficult to understand because she's always so optimistic herself.
I'm sorry that you were feeling down. I can understand how you feel because I was raised by my grandma while my mom worked and grandma always preferred my brother. She still does, actually! She had three daughters and no sons, so when she had her first grandson, she got excited and pampered him.
Then in school I was bullied a lot for being fat and pale. It got to the point where I just wanted to be alone and in high school I would skip classes so that I wouldn't have to deal with mean kids.
But I've learned that the Lord loves me just the way that I am. Thank you for your idea about a faithbook. I never thought of that before! I am slowly getting better. For example, I used to be a cutter and I haven't done that for three years!
I personally like Hummingbirds. My mom says that when I was little I was always looking for them outside my window. My avatar is of a Hummingbird nest.
Also I read somewhere that a pearl is a beautiful and costly thing but that it's made from a painful experience to the oyster. Dirt gets trapped inside the oyster and irritates it, and after a while it forms a pearl from that dirt. So think of these experiences as dirt that's irritating you just to make a beautiful and costly pearl on the inside. These experiences have made you a better and more beautiful person.
Here are some neat pictures for your faithbook. If you ever need to talk, you can PM me if you'd like.
I'm sorry that you were feeling down. I can understand how you feel because I was raised by my grandma while my mom worked and grandma always preferred my brother. She still does, actually! She had three daughters and no sons, so when she had her first grandson, she got excited and pampered him.
Then in school I was bullied a lot for being fat and pale. It got to the point where I just wanted to be alone and in high school I would skip classes so that I wouldn't have to deal with mean kids.
But I've learned that the Lord loves me just the way that I am. Thank you for your idea about a faithbook. I never thought of that before! I am slowly getting better. For example, I used to be a cutter and I haven't done that for three years!
I personally like Hummingbirds. My mom says that when I was little I was always looking for them outside my window. My avatar is of a Hummingbird nest.
Also I read somewhere that a pearl is a beautiful and costly thing but that it's made from a painful experience to the oyster. Dirt gets trapped inside the oyster and irritates it, and after a while it forms a pearl from that dirt. So think of these experiences as dirt that's irritating you just to make a beautiful and costly pearl on the inside. These experiences have made you a better and more beautiful person.
Here are some neat pictures for your faithbook. If you ever need to talk, you can PM me if you'd like.