I wrote this in deep depression when I was in a mall for an outing with my family. I am a sufferer of depression, being diagnosed of it this year.
Here in a crowded mall, I am restless
The world seems fine
They all are looking forward to something
Yea, that's good, just that I cannot relate
I cannot describe this feeling except to say that it is suffocating me inside
Be positive, be positive, yea am trying
It's not so easy
I guess I understand the desire to quit in Chester, the leader of a much loved band
He laughed and smiled during the carpool karaoke just 6 days before his death
So have I laughed without giving them a hint
This feeling is such that it tells you that 'no one' understands it, you are alone
And just to quit this torture, you are willing to do anything
I have no access to drugs or alcohol,
Yet even if I procure it from somewhere, am not surrounded by people who will understand or use me decently when am under its influence, so i have thought of my death somehow
Yet, as NF puts it "am scared to live but am scared to die"
Am surrounded from all sides
It feels like 'checkmate'
Since I hate the idea of suicide, I don't forget to pray for my death which I still await
Note : I would like to add that today I don't feel this way, that was me speaking in a peak phase of depression, I am more hopeful now and I am fighting it
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