Desperate Housewives/Husbands

[blueluna5]

Have you ever been in this position
It's the stay at home thing, maybe isolated, with only children for company, maybe no car/transport, huge house to clean/look after...other half busy at work...
Or are you all happy and joyful ? I hope so.
What are the pros and cons of being a housewife? Are you a nanny and babysitter as well or is that incorporated into being a wife and mother.
What about a husband...what happens if you can't DIY? Do you just pay someone else to do it?
What if you have no children...do you have pets instead?

Do you take in boarders? Do you have spare rooms or are they filled with your stuff?
How long till your mortgage is paid off, or are you always on top of the rent? How many times have you moved after you've settled in/married?
Have you downsized after empty nesting?

Just curious. Maybe I'm just being nosy, but if it's none of my business, you don't have to answer.
Blessings to those who do share though, so we may learn from it.

Going to be honest with the good and bad.

I'm a teacher so most of the year I'm busy with work, but in the summer I'm like a stay at home Mom. I really enjoy the summers now with my kids, but when they were toddlers it was miserable. Dealing with constant tantrums was very difficult for me and I don't even any stay at home mom going through it. I would go to the library when they napped for a break from the screaming. Now they are elementary age and they're very enjoyable and fun. I wish I could be with them all the time now, but we cherish our summers together.

My husband started his own business. He worked multiple jobs for years and years when starting and making little money at first. He started a business bc he was tired of being a number at work. His work would not even let him take off for the birth of our baby until I found legal documentation that they had to. I've worked for companies that told me we are your family, not your own family. A Marxist strategy many companies use nowadays that almost never works.

We've been in debt many times. Gotten out of debt twice and then back in. Much harder getting out of debt with kids. To save, I sell and buy kids clothes from once upon a child or good will. I rarely buy clothes for me. My mom or mother in law will give me clothes. I also use gift cards from holidays for clothes or go to Goodwill if I really need something. We automate bills when possible so it's easier.

Our house is small and we do everything ourselves. We do plumbing, electrical, painting, installing a fence, fireplace, cement, molding, etc. All the household things. The only thing we did not do is installing our metal roof. However my husband installed our roof for the shed still. We both hate heights. So... We tend to have projects going on a lot. But also our household appliances last forever. 15 years washer and dryer and refrigerator, etc. We will fix the broken parts. Mostly just learning from family or YouTube. When we buy something we get the base model bc there's less to break on it so it's easier/cheaper to fix.

We are almost done with our car payment in a few months. But next time we are buying used with no more monthly payments if possible or very little. It's just not worth it for a vehicle. When we bought our house we did 30 year mortgage.. which was a mistake. Always do 15. But the monthly payment is lower than most areas nowadays.

We stay away from credit cards....now. we had to figure out taxes for self employed. we had to learn everything the hard way.

But we love our life and the people in it.

 

[Lanolin]

Thanks I love it when people are honest with the good and bad. If it's all rosy, you wonder if they'd ever had a hard time in their life and how they cope when things get difficult.

Buying a car and finding the right one was a bit of a struggle for me the third time I did it, I made sure to get all the checks and things necessary. Some people are like they always get new cars and trade in their old ones, but I can't afford to do that or be on finance. So it's one I pay in full and can afford. My mum never drove - she had her license but she just gave up driving when us children were born, and I'd never seen her drive a car on her own. I think she made it harder for herself not driving, she could have shared dad's car or got her own and had a bit more independence instead of relying on Dad to take her everywhere, and then us children when we got our licenses, or more specifically - me!

We don't live right in town or have much of a public transport system where we live (it's getting better, but its just geographically we are not ideal) plenty of people will offer rides, its just - all my aunts drove when they got married, and had children, so they wouldn't have got too frustrated being stuck at home, if they needed to go out visiting, or shopping for groceries, going to appointments, etc. Just getting out of the house.

I didn't like to leave her walking around by herself, just as you don't want children playing in traffic, or getting lost or in trouble when they are not at home. I suppose it depends where you live too, if its a safe neighbourhood, or its one infested by gangs and crime IDK. We've never been burgled, actually its more the rich peoples houses get burgled when they go on holiday. Poorer folks have nothing worth stealing and often don't even get to go on holidays lol.

 

[JohnDB]

https://twitter.com/x/status/2059094564439216577

 

[JohnDB]

https://twitter.com/x/status/2059092206787473482

 

[Lynx]

https://twitter.com/x/status/2059092206787473482

Don't you want somebody to love
Don't you need somebody to love
Wouldn't you love somebody to love
You'd better find somebody to looooooooooove

- Jefferson Airplane

 

[Lanolin]

Oh no, JohndB and Lynx have invaded my thread!

I'll just pretend not to be at home like when I see JWs come knocking at my door.

 

[SoulFaith]

My experience was probably quite different from many others.


I'm the mother of 11 children and I was a stay-at-home mom for many years. My children were born about every one or two years and at one point I had four children in cloth diapers at the same time. Looking back now, I honestly don't know how I managed it all!


I loved being at home with my children. My days were filled with caring for them, cooking, baking our own bread, gardening, sewing, and preserving food. During berry season I picked berries and sometimes I even helped care for the cattle on our family farm. I stayed home until my youngest was three years old.


The biggest advantage for me was having the privilege of watching my children grow up and being present for all those everyday moments that can never be repeated.


The hardest part was that I never really had time for hobbies or much rest. There were seasons when I was completely exhausted because there simply weren't enough hours in the day. Looking back, though, I think time has softened some of those difficult memories.


Even today, I sometimes find myself dreaming about having one more baby and being a stay-at-home mom again. I truly loved that season of life. Of course, I'd first need to find a good husband... and perhaps I'm already too old for one last little blessing.

 

[Lanolin]

Wow

I once stayed on a farm where the mum had 11 children, it was 10 girls and 1 boy. She was homeschooling as well. As the children grew they helped on the farm. I think its easier to have a big family on a farm where you can have fresh food at your doorstep after all you the one growing it and managing the animals etc. But your life is motherhood and as long as you not starving its fine.

My mum was always a step ahead with preparing food and never really rested, it was on her to feed us. If was left to my dad we just all would have eaten junk food/takeaways everyday. My mum was the eldest of 8 in her family and thus had responsibilty to look after her siblings. They lived in a tiny apartment in Hong Kong and mum never went to high school she pretty much had to earn to give to her mother so they could buy food and not starve. Living in a city though where the markets are close by and there's a restaurants and street food all around food wasn't far away, but she told me they'd live on bread crusts that were going to be thrown out the next day as it was cheaper (bread that isn't sold is always discounted at the end of the day). Mum could make a meal out of anything and sometimes took a lot of prep but it was always freshly made every day she never wasted food.

Living in New Zealand was like paradise for her she had a lot of space and she often said how lucky we were to have a roof over our head. But back then there were hardly any homeless people as the house prices hadn't skyrocketed like today. And she said in those days if you had babies the govt gave you 'milk money' so that you never ran out of fresh milk. Which was delivered to your door in glass bottles. But she was always frugal when it came to shopping like she would always look in the discount aisle and conversations with my aunties whenever they got together were always about the price of food lol.

She really wanted a higher education for us so we could get good jobs and not have to worry where our next meal was coming from, or be dependent, were were raised to be independent and earn our own money, and not have to give it to our parents like she did. By the time I graduated though the jobs well paid jobs were just not there (for me) and I ended up on minimum wage just like everyone else which meant I couldn't afford to a place of my own anyway and mum wanted me to save every penny so I could afford a house. Well thats an impossible dream! Also she had quite traditional views on marriage but in new zealand nowadays you don't buy a house and get married and have children and pay a mortgage you just live together, have babies, and then maybe ..get married. And then maybe you can own a house when you have enough money for a deposit when you pool all your earnings together. It's just the other way around.

Anyway, I suppose I'm saying you can't be a housewife without a house. Count yourself blessed if you can afford one, or your husband can provide it. Oh and it's not leaky, or in an earthquake prone area...or has lead or asbestos in it.
When I worked in school, most children told me if they won lotto or could earn enough money, they would buy a house for their parents. It was very important to own a house because it meant then maybe you could leverage it by renting it out to someone that could help pay off the mortgage for you while you stayed at home living rent free. To my mums logic, that was how you 'got ahead' and how everyone in nz was pouring all their savings and money into causing property prices to go up as their nest egg investment, which they would then need to sell and move into. a rest home when they got too old, but she actually never wanted to do that, she just wanted to die in her sleep at home with me looking after her. Paradoxically she wanted me to stay while insisting that I needed to buy my own house.

I don't think its easy for anyone by the time you old enough to inherit, you basically have to renovate or build a brand new house anyway because everything would have been broken down and unliveable by then. Gentrification drives out all the renters that then have to live somewhere else cheaper as they get priced out and then face an hour or two commute to work.

I don't even know why I'm writing all this, it just seems nothing is fair for my generation that now can't afford to have families. people still have them anyway but its very hand-to-mouth existence for most. The advice would be marry a rich man with a steady income, if you can find one who won't die from working too hard or leave you to have affairs as richer men tend to do because the wife is too exhausted to look after the husband's needs as well. She never expected to have a family of four children including twins after that she had her tube tied it really was too much. Most parents these days just have one or two, I always thought I was just another mouth to feed

 

[Lanolin]

ok

I just learned instead of being just 'housewife' theres another thing called being 'tradwife' which is some kind of idealised version of a housewife, who never leaves the home and their devotion to it borders on idolatry.

Sure cooking and cleaning is necessary, and can even be fun, but seriously...there's a lot more things that women can do than just adorn the home. I think I'd go crazy if confined to the home for any length of time and not able to escape or have a break. And why impose these impossible standards on women to be the 'perfect wife'.

I'm making another post about that. My mum was a housewife. She also worked outside the home too. She did all the cooking, washing, mopping, and sewed and baked and all that. You know the things husbands expect wives to do, have children, look after them etc. But its a lot of work, and she often complained about it. It's not glamourous. And sometimes men don't understand how exhausting and mind-numbing it can be. Somehow a meal appears by magic. The house cleans itself cos the wife always does it. the children don't die or injured because shes' always watching over them.

It's work, but it's not seen as work, that's the paradox. I have been in awe of teachers who never take a day sick leave even when exposed to 30 children for 6 hours of the day all with their own individual names and personalities. But being a school teacher in a school with other school teachers is not the same as running a household on your own, 24/7.

 

[SoulFaith]

Thank you for sharing all of that. It sounds like your mother worked incredibly hard and I have a lot of respect for women like her who carried so much responsibility for their families.

I agree that being a homemaker is often invisible work. People see the meals, the clean house and the children being cared for, but they don't always see the countless hours behind it all.

I was fortunate that I genuinely loved being at home with my children, even though there were many exhausting days too. It certainly wasn't glamorous and there were seasons when I wondered how I would make it through the day. Looking back now, though, the joy of raising my children is what I remember most.

 

[Genipher]

ok

I just learned instead of being just 'housewife' theres another thing called being 'tradwife' which is some kind of idealised version of a housewife, who never leaves the home and their devotion to it borders on idolatry.

Sure cooking and cleaning is necessary, and can even be fun, but seriously...there's a lot more things that women can do than just adorn the home. I think I'd go crazy if confined to the home for any length of time and not able to escape or have a break. And why impose these impossible standards on women to be the 'perfect wife'.

I'm making another post about that. My mum was a housewife. She also worked outside the home too. She did all the cooking, washing, mopping, and sewed and baked and all that. You know the things husbands expect wives to do, have children, look after them etc. But its a lot of work, and she often complained about it. It's not glamourous. And sometimes men don't understand how exhausting and mind-numbing it can be. Somehow a meal appears by magic. The house cleans itself cos the wife always does it. the children don't die or injured because shes' always watching over them.

It's work, but it's not seen as work, that's the paradox. I have been in awe of teachers who never take a day sick leave even when exposed to 30 children for 6 hours of the day all with their own individual names and personalities. But being a school teacher in a school with other school teachers is not the same as running a household on your own, 24/7.

When you say a trad wife never leaves the home do you mean she doesn't have a job outside the home that pays her to work? Or that she is a prisoner in her home and not allowed to run errands, hang with friends, etc?

I'm a SAHM and even when I'm keeping eyes on the kids, they still get hurt or injured, at times. Been to the ER waaaay more than I would ever like to be with one kid or another.

Thankfully, my husband sees and appreciates what I do around the home with the cleaning and cooking. He's not opposed to cleaning and cooking, himself, either. Im reminded of this youtube skit, though, where a clueless guy thinks he has a magic table that does the laundry, etc.

 

[justahumanbeing]

Have you ever been in this position
It's the stay at home thing, maybe isolated, with only children for company, maybe no car/transport, huge house to clean/look after...other half busy at work...
Or are you all happy and joyful ? I hope so.
What are the pros and cons of being a housewife? Are you a nanny and babysitter as well or is that incorporated into being a wife and mother.
What about a husband...what happens if you can't DIY? Do you just pay someone else to do it?
What if you have no children...do you have pets instead?

Do you take in boarders? Do you have spare rooms or are they filled with your stuff?
How long till your mortgage is paid off, or are you always on top of the rent? How many times have you moved after you've settled in/married?
Have you downsized after empty nesting?

Just curious. Maybe I'm just being nosy, but if it's none of my business, you don't have to answer.
Blessings to those who do share though, so we may learn from it.

I personally know what that scenario is like. It is hard and difficult to take on the responsibility as a single parent. Not to mention, the way the society around you looks at you and makes you feel. At least the society I come from is sick. We live in a material world and a world which parades societal status. The single parent comes under the scrutiny of everyone around.

If you have physical assets, like home, etc. that is a stronghold to lean on. A job goes a long way towards making your life less alone. Most jobs again are stressful at least where I come from. As a believer you tend to heavily rely on Jesus for everything and for your daily sustenance.

my two cents on it.

 

[Lanolin]

Yes well on the plus side you have a roof over your head.
If you have a good foundation and it isn't swept away in a flood that is.

I often wonder about people who have their homes at the top of a cliff. I mean sure you have a great view, but it's not exactly stable.
I also think apartment living can be hard with young children, especially when they don't have places to play, but maybe its just a different lifestyle, depending on how wealthy you are. A mum told me she used to live in one of those housing estate things with 2 young children and had to lug everything up and down several flights of stairs. They never had a backyard or safe place to play. I asked what happened to her husband she said that he beat her up and so she kicked him out.

I mean thats just one person's experience but she says she trained to be a social worker, and mums with young children are unable to learn (to better their situation) because their priority is their child(ren) and often husbands don't even babysit. They think all the childcare is for the wife/mother to do.

But..if the mother is working outside the home and they are not home before school ends. It ends up being the eldest child looking after their siblings, and I think in past it was just latchkey kids looking after themselves. Maybe as young as 8 years old.

The only way to make it work is to work in shifts. My dad worked evenings so was home during the day, mum was home in the evenings. They were like ships until the weekend when they got to be together, and then dad would not be around the house because he had a hobby every Saturday and so left mum to do all the housework. I didn't know any different.

 

[justahumanbeing]

Yes well on the plus side you have a roof over your head.
If you have a good foundation and it isn't swept away in a flood that is.

I often wonder about people who have their homes at the top of a cliff. I mean sure you have a great view, but it's not exactly stable.
I also think apartment living can be hard with young children, especially when they don't have places to play, but maybe its just a different lifestyle, depending on how wealthy you are. A mum told me she used to live in one of those housing estate things with 2 young children and had to lug everything up and down several flights of stairs. They never had a backyard or safe place to play. I asked what happened to her husband she said that he beat her up and so she kicked him out.

I mean thats just one person's experience but she says she trained to be a social worker, and mums with young children are unable to learn (to better their situation) because their priority is their child(ren) and often husbands don't even babysit. They think all the childcare is for the wife/mother to do.

But..if the mother is working outside the home and they are not home before school ends. It ends up being the eldest child looking after their siblings, and I think in past it was just latchkey kids looking after themselves. Maybe as young as 8 years old.

The only way to make it work is to work in shifts. My dad worked evenings so was home during the day, mum was home in the evenings. They were like ships until the weekend when they got to be together, and then dad would not be around the house because he had a hobby every Saturday and so left mum to do all the housework. I didn't know any different.

People aren't always lucky like your parents. It's amazing to have role models like those. If a couple are desirous to have children, it is a shared responsibility. People literally sacrifice their dreams to fend for their children. It was never meant for one person to carry the workload of two. That would break the person down.

Sometimes, it depends on how strong a person is. But always, however strong or understanding or God centered a person is, carrying the weight alone leaves a mark. Not just on the single parent but on the children too. Some people have it better than others. All we can do is count our blessings, thank God and live our lives however easy or difficult.

 

[Lanolin]

I was such a needy child. I was fussy, more sickly than the others, and always getting in trouble. Of course I didn't know this was a drag on my mum, naturally when you a child all you can think about is yourself being so dependant on your parent for your literal survival.

She had the power of life or death over me (usually a tongue lashing) . Dad not so much, but when he was angry he put the fear of God in me. I can laugh about that now...but yea it's a HUGE responsibility.

In my ladies church group there were a few young mothers. One had two, a boy and a girl, and the girl turned out to be special needs. She also confessed she dropped her son down the stairs when he was a baby, by accident (don't think he was holding on tight enough)
Another had her eldest son being severely autistic, so when he was grown, he had to be put in a special school for boys as she literally couldn't handle him or restrain him when he acted out of frustration. He grew taller than her and she had 3 other children (all boys). She had a hair salon in her own home and her husband worked as a butcher. I was amazed that she could have 4 boys, (she nearly had a girl, but was still birth) but maybe boys are easier to raise, for mums because dads have more of an affinity for them being male and can take some of the load.

But in my family of four children, it really seemed there like I was daddy's girl, and my brothers were mummy's boys. My mum said when we were little we were easier to control but as we grew of course it didn't get easier and a lot of the time, well most, I didn't listen!

 

[Lanolin]

Question for all about your children, did you have to push them out of the nest, or were they all confident to go?
And. after they had all left, did you enjoy the freedom, or was it always like they left a hole in your life? Did you worry or just trust God that they would be ok. Did they all follow you in your beliefs and faith or did they fall away?

Are you in touch with your adult children or you just let them do their own thing and they only contact you when they need to or want to hear from you?

 

[SoulFaith]

Question for all about your children, did you have to push them out of the nest, or were they all confident to go?
And. after they had all left, did you enjoy the freedom, or was it always like they left a hole in your life? Did you worry or just trust God that they would be ok. Did they all follow you in your beliefs and faith or did they fall away?

Are you in touch with your adult children or you just let them do their own thing and they only contact you when they need to or want to hear from you?

I have eleven children but sadly one was stillborn, so I am mother of ten living children. Three of them are still under 18. One of them will soon turn 18 and after that she will also be considered an adult here in Finland. My two youngest still live at home and the next two have already begun spending more time away, although they still come home during school holidays and summer breaks. I believe they will soon feel ready to step out on their own paths as well.

The hardest moment for me was when my eldest daughter moved out and went to live in another town, far away from us. She was the first one to move such a distance,and it truly felt like a piece of my heart went with her.

This is a very tender subject for me, as I am a mother who would gladly keep all her children close. At times, I find myself wishing I could pause time at the season when all my children were still little and living at home. It was such a precious and blessed time in my life.

After my divorce from the children’s father, two of my daughters cut contact with both me and their father. At that time, they were unable to understand the situation and I leave all of this in God’s hands, trusting His guidance and mercy for all of us. Life has not always been easy or straightforward, but I continue to pray for healing and reconciliation.

With my other children, we stay in regular contact. We talk and keep in touch. As a mother of adult children, I try not to interfere too much in their lives, but I do share my thoughts when they ask. Above all, I try to trust God with each of my children and their journeys, believing that He is faithful to guide them.

 

[Lanolin]

My big sister (the eldest) moved to the other side of the world, literally.
Mum wanted to keep me at home, and I relented. I tried to run away first, but I couldn't sustain it. She very much wanted me to not grow up or away.
My sister returned when I couldn't handle looking after mum by myself in her final months. Dad was there, but he was no help or use to my mother.

Blood is thicker than water as they say.