Divorced with young kids

[brynnlybailey]

I am struggling with a choice. I have for years prayed that I could return home. I married a man who promised this to me in 2000 ( pre marriage). We divorced due to many reasons, some violence, emotional neglect and abuse. He has since remarried. He has 2 children from other women. One he is estranged from (the child). He has an authortian parenting style, and is very controlling. This is had for me as an adult to k ow how to face. I have had counseling and have put together a very nice home life for my children 8 and 9.
recently, my parents who are getting older have named me power of attorney. They live several states away. I have filed a court order to request the move with kids.
I am not a mean spirited person, who desires to hurt my ex, their dad with this move. My parents will need me. I have offered a very compomising visitation where I am assuming all responsibility for visitation 4 time per year, one being summer. I have flexible with all dates to best of ability. I woke up one morning and felt God just telling my heart to address this with him first so I did.

He is struggling with this, yet he has never taken ful intrest in their lives. He does not call ( in 10 years probably 15-25 times), he is very controlling and the children are afraid of him. They love and fear him. They seek to get his attention, but they play second - sixth in his order of importance. They know this, not because they hear it. They tell me of stories, and how he only shoes attention if he has an audience. Thru cry above not being loved fully and it hurts. We pray for him, and I have given advise to love him despite limitations and forgive. However, I explain it is not the fault or their job to fix or gain his attention. When they have it it is usually because he is ordering them on what to do.

Here is the advise part, I feel going and being back home for my parents is the thing to do, I will continue to raise my children in Christian spirit filled church. I have been okay with move, God has set some many things that should have stopped this journey aside, and put in place the means to make it happen. However, I still feel fear when with him. I do not want our children to live this life.

Moving, will put us by loving grandparents and some friend from church that more years ago ( found hoe they live near my family. I have a job that allows me to come back for several visitation per year and he usually flies down for golf.
lately, I feel bad and I am letting that cloud my judgement.

I feel being Round loving grandparents, and extended church family, is more positive than daughters who cry that they wish their father would move away so they did not need to be around him. They say things like he does not really love us.

I pray and feel good, then the what ifs pop up. I want to make sure the what ifs are just my concern, and Satan's attacks. I do not want to hurt anyone, but I want to be by family and away from a dad who's seems to be stealing their self esteem.

Thoughts, ideas,

 

[IDEAtor]

Hi. I read the full entry. First, you already made your decision and it looks like with good reason. According to your description, your ex (sorry that it did not work out) is uncommitted, unbalanced, and scares the children (and you). This is not good for a child, emotionally or psychologically.

Your former husband will take proper measures to be a better person and father, when he really is ready to take on the challenge of being a positive influence. While it is not God's desire for separation, it is a fact. You two are separated and he has another family. Moreover, you have two parents who are needing you somewhere else. You are not God, you cannot be in both places at the same time.

What do you do? Well, you keep in prayer. You measure the needs of your children, first.
You look at your own needs and the needs of parents. As for the uninvolved man, you leave him to God. If you think it is hard for you, imagine what it does to the Almighty.
Still, God is the one who mends broken hearts best. Then, in preparing for a new challenge with your parents, stay prayerful for the man in question. God loves, but He also disciplines those He loves.

Perhaps if you consider how time away is time away and not "Goodbye, forever," then the transition will be easier. But this means that you, Mom, need to earnestly seek the best for that man in prayer. Be praying that your ex and the kids do learn to have mutual affection for each other. And never badmouth him, ever. He may be rotten, but teach the kids to have respect-- with discernment.

I am sorry for the heartache experienced, I am sure it has been difficult.
God is better at giving advice. Follow Him.

--IDEA