D
dreWord
Guest
Well here goes... I 'll probably make this my first blog post. My witness of things in this life is lengthy, but far from being done. To be honest, even if you don't share my experiences, my story is no different from yours. I am a sinner who was lost in sin, but then found in grace. I'll try to keep this brief.
I pretty much grew up in church. I was never abused or hurt, my parents were both Christians and present. By all accounts I had it easy compared to many people. I was always the good "Christian kid". I knew a lot of Bible verses. I knew a lot about God. Precocious little bugger I was, I always thought I had it figured out. You see, I wouldn't recognize it then, but pride was always a big issue for me. I thought I was perfect. I thought I didn't have any problems.
I was baptized when I was 12, but even then I knew that it wasn't real. I was aware that I knew about God, but didn't really want to KNOW Him. Inside I really didn't think I needed God. I would just play the game and make everyone happy as long as I needed to. I wouldn't recognize my need for Him until many years later.
When I was 14, I realized that I was homosexual. I quietly got involved in a popular subculture of the LGBT community. There I was guided and counseled by more experienced gay men who I now believe God was using in a way to protect me from making rash decisions in my younger years. (I'll explain later) In the next several years, I began cutting off my heart from any ties that existed with God. I constructed a God that suited me. A God who was just fine with anything I could do. I began finding the Bible to be revolting. I took great pride in my then closeted identity as a young gay man. I began a downward spiral of sin and addiction that I thought God was just OK with. I had a plan for my life. When I was legal age, I would come out and tell my family about everything and leave them forever to pursue the lifestyle (which at the time I would have called love). I wanted to become a militant activist and show those Christians they were wrong.
I was really confused about love. Though I wouldn't admit it then, I saw sex and emotional attraction to be love. By my last year of high school, I was pursuing that in full force. Porn addiction led to sex addiction. Online relationship to hookup to hookup... I was only spared alcohol and club drug addiction because being young and in dangerous situations, I was very careful with them and heeded the advice of my community friends to stray away from those. All these things ever did was leave me physically and emotionally tired and scarred. I was starting to look at the life I was secretly living, and realized I didn't like it. It was around that time that I heard some messages by some preachers that really spoke to me, and at that time I started praying again. I made a bargain with God. If he would fix me, I would live the way he wanted me to live. Well if any of you have ever tried to make bargains with God, you can probably guess that didn't turn out the way I was expecting...
As I was starting college, I was still bound to the old things that held me. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship that had left me very drained. I was now entering school in self-defense mode, not trusting anybody. I didn't stop asking God to help me though. And he answered. My first semester, God used certain people and events to work on my heart. Through this one guy I worked with, He started showing me what love really looked like. The unconditional love that gives and expects nothing in return. I still had a heart full of darkness, and my initial reaction to it always brings me back to John 1:5. "The darkness did not comprehend it." But as I was exposed to that light, the darkness in me, little by little was pushed back until it was driven into a corner. I found myself perplexed by the feelings I was having.
It all culminated in December of 2013. I was on the phone with then my best friend and I was talking about the semester. I was talking about those events and people that God used, and something clicked.... I remember asking, "Who even loves anyone like that?," and the answer just smacked me in the face. Jesus Christ. That night, I saw the love my flesh hopelessly pursued compared to his, and there was just no comparison to His love. One left me drained and tired and dead inside, and the other made me feel alive. I surrendered myself to him that night. I no longer wanted to be a hateful advocate for my brokenness, but a humble voice to the redemptive and saving work of Christ.
Since then, he's not stopped working on me. I found that I don't have the same desire to stay in those old things anymore, although the struggle comes and goes in seasons. I have had some rough times in my faith starting out (it's still only been about 2 years), but he's always been there for me and always taught me something out of those situations. Just like anyone, I've gone through seasons of tumult, in my case severe depression. But in these times I am always reminded that even though I sleep in a stupor, Jesus tells me in Matthew 28, "I am with you always" and "I will never leave you or forsake you." I've seen God do some crazy awesome things in this short time and I am now serving in leadership at a college ministry as well as at my church. I was baptized last November, and God gave me the strength to share my story with my parents and restore our broken relationship. Now I want to know God and His word so much more, and be the biggest carefree loudmouth I can be to the world about how much He loves them.
If any of you share a similar story, I encourage you to connect with me. It is always encouraging to know there are others who identify. Also as always, feel free to PM me anytime if you have anything you would like to talk about or pray about.
Love In Christ,
Drew
I pretty much grew up in church. I was never abused or hurt, my parents were both Christians and present. By all accounts I had it easy compared to many people. I was always the good "Christian kid". I knew a lot of Bible verses. I knew a lot about God. Precocious little bugger I was, I always thought I had it figured out. You see, I wouldn't recognize it then, but pride was always a big issue for me. I thought I was perfect. I thought I didn't have any problems.
I was baptized when I was 12, but even then I knew that it wasn't real. I was aware that I knew about God, but didn't really want to KNOW Him. Inside I really didn't think I needed God. I would just play the game and make everyone happy as long as I needed to. I wouldn't recognize my need for Him until many years later.
When I was 14, I realized that I was homosexual. I quietly got involved in a popular subculture of the LGBT community. There I was guided and counseled by more experienced gay men who I now believe God was using in a way to protect me from making rash decisions in my younger years. (I'll explain later) In the next several years, I began cutting off my heart from any ties that existed with God. I constructed a God that suited me. A God who was just fine with anything I could do. I began finding the Bible to be revolting. I took great pride in my then closeted identity as a young gay man. I began a downward spiral of sin and addiction that I thought God was just OK with. I had a plan for my life. When I was legal age, I would come out and tell my family about everything and leave them forever to pursue the lifestyle (which at the time I would have called love). I wanted to become a militant activist and show those Christians they were wrong.
I was really confused about love. Though I wouldn't admit it then, I saw sex and emotional attraction to be love. By my last year of high school, I was pursuing that in full force. Porn addiction led to sex addiction. Online relationship to hookup to hookup... I was only spared alcohol and club drug addiction because being young and in dangerous situations, I was very careful with them and heeded the advice of my community friends to stray away from those. All these things ever did was leave me physically and emotionally tired and scarred. I was starting to look at the life I was secretly living, and realized I didn't like it. It was around that time that I heard some messages by some preachers that really spoke to me, and at that time I started praying again. I made a bargain with God. If he would fix me, I would live the way he wanted me to live. Well if any of you have ever tried to make bargains with God, you can probably guess that didn't turn out the way I was expecting...
As I was starting college, I was still bound to the old things that held me. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship that had left me very drained. I was now entering school in self-defense mode, not trusting anybody. I didn't stop asking God to help me though. And he answered. My first semester, God used certain people and events to work on my heart. Through this one guy I worked with, He started showing me what love really looked like. The unconditional love that gives and expects nothing in return. I still had a heart full of darkness, and my initial reaction to it always brings me back to John 1:5. "The darkness did not comprehend it." But as I was exposed to that light, the darkness in me, little by little was pushed back until it was driven into a corner. I found myself perplexed by the feelings I was having.
It all culminated in December of 2013. I was on the phone with then my best friend and I was talking about the semester. I was talking about those events and people that God used, and something clicked.... I remember asking, "Who even loves anyone like that?," and the answer just smacked me in the face. Jesus Christ. That night, I saw the love my flesh hopelessly pursued compared to his, and there was just no comparison to His love. One left me drained and tired and dead inside, and the other made me feel alive. I surrendered myself to him that night. I no longer wanted to be a hateful advocate for my brokenness, but a humble voice to the redemptive and saving work of Christ.
Since then, he's not stopped working on me. I found that I don't have the same desire to stay in those old things anymore, although the struggle comes and goes in seasons. I have had some rough times in my faith starting out (it's still only been about 2 years), but he's always been there for me and always taught me something out of those situations. Just like anyone, I've gone through seasons of tumult, in my case severe depression. But in these times I am always reminded that even though I sleep in a stupor, Jesus tells me in Matthew 28, "I am with you always" and "I will never leave you or forsake you." I've seen God do some crazy awesome things in this short time and I am now serving in leadership at a college ministry as well as at my church. I was baptized last November, and God gave me the strength to share my story with my parents and restore our broken relationship. Now I want to know God and His word so much more, and be the biggest carefree loudmouth I can be to the world about how much He loves them.
If any of you share a similar story, I encourage you to connect with me. It is always encouraging to know there are others who identify. Also as always, feel free to PM me anytime if you have anything you would like to talk about or pray about.
Love In Christ,
Drew
