Elderly parents

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FindingChrist

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My mom and dad are in their late 60's and 70's. I am almost forty yrs old. They are constantly asking me to drive them everywhere. My mom will ask me to take her to six different stores while I have my 4 yr old in tow. Lately, it's becoming a huge problem. My son is getting to the point that he doesn't want to be dragged around. I have ask her could we plan on going to the store once a wk while my son is at school. She then said I need to go today which was one of the days he is off from school. I'm not sure how to handle this. My mom calls me at least 20-30 times a day. Today she called to see if I would take my dad to visit someone at the hospital and then go return a picture for her. (And they want to go when my son is at home). They are both able to drive. My dad was just bragging the other day that his car only has 2k miles on it. My car has about 20k most if which are from their errands. It's getting to the point where my husband is getting furious. What should I do?
 
set firmer boundaries and screen your calls.

I would even change my number and not give it to my parents, making them have to drive and come see me.

I don't think you should be their errand person, especially if they can drive themselves.

Set aside ONE day when your son is at school to spend time with your parents. If they need things done at that time, take them to get them done, but when its time to go. Tell them lovingly and firmly you will see them next week. To call your husband if they have an emergency. I think he will be stronger at screening what is really important to be done and what is not, though you might want to check with your husband to see if he is willing to do this for you.

Its hard to say no to your parents, but yours are abusing you to the point it is affecting your husband and son's happiness and time spent with them. it is time for you to be firm and loving say NO.

PS. it will take a while, most people are asleep here where i am (its almost 11 pm) but I'm sure people will respond when they come back to check the forum tomorrow.
 
Thank u for your advice. I agree that I am going to have to set firmer boundaries. Unfortunately, they live about 4 houses down the street from us. I am going to take your advice. I may have to move t
 
I am very elderly, very needy. I have a daughter who is my eyes, ears, and transportation! Here is how we have worked it out.

We work as a team, with each of us sharing our needs. It has been agreed that if I keep my independence and abilities as much as I can it works for both of our good. I have little eyesight left, my hearing is very bad, and although I am healthy I cannot keep working, I must rest often.

To solve the grocery problem, I bought a large freezer so I can buy in bulk. She found this saves her time and money, too. I switched to soy milk because it doesn't spoil. We worked together to find these solutions.

I use dial-a-ride for lots of my transportation. It is much cheaper than taking a car, even, and frees her. Today she arranged her work so she could get me from the doctor because I had to wait two hours for dial-a-ride. Last week end I spent at her house taking care of the dog so she could go on a trip.

The key to our working together is communication. I'll bet your folks would respond to being including in working out the problem with your son. It would be nice if your husband could be included in the "solution" group of communicati8ng with caring and love, all for each other.

Seems as if, if Christ were in the midst of all every minute, there would be no problems!!!
 
I guess, they are in a way afraid to be alone and dependent.
So they ask you seemingly "all the time", to ashure them,
"yes, you are there" and will help.

Would it be possible to scedule the time, to say, well mom,
I come over 1/2h after breakfast, just to talk and go over
what is needed, and how to plan it.
If it is regular, your son and husband will also respond better.

So that they get the idea, that you will be there, if they
really need them, and that they don't have to yell "emergency"
to get your help. And so that yor will know, that "emergency"
realy means, someone has fallen f.ex. and needs immediatly
resonse.

Because it will become more and more. Now they can still do a lot
of things themselfes, but that will change. And by then you will
have to want a established working relatonship, where they trust you,
to handle their "errants", without supervision and in your own time.

And you might get them into regular babysitting your child, so the
exchange of help is less onesided. They might like it a lot to be usefull,
and you and your hsband will get some of the time back, you spend
helping.
 
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FindingChrist said:
My mom and dad are in their late 60's and 70's. I am almost forty yrs old. They are constantly asking me to drive them everywhere. My mom will ask me to take her to six different stores while I have my 4 yr old in tow. Lately, it's becoming a huge problem. My son is getting to the point that he doesn't want to be dragged around. I have ask her could we plan on going to the store once a wk while my son is at school. She then said I need to go today which was one of the days he is off from school. I'm not sure how to handle this. My mom calls me at least 20-30 times a day. Today she called to see if I would take my dad to visit someone at the hospital and then go return a picture for her. (And they want to go when my son is at home). They are both able to drive. My dad was just bragging the other day that his car only has 2k miles on it. My car has about 20k most if which are from their errands. It's getting to the point where my husband is getting furious. What should I do?
Click to expand...

Poor you! You do sound fed up and it's all getting a bit too much, but you want to honour your parents too...I think communication & boundaries is the way to go, especially if they drive themselves! You generous good nature is being taken advantage of :) Just because you discuss how things are to be, does not mean it will be listened too...so you need to be firm. It could be they may need some 'training' :) to give you space! They behave this way because you give them permission & allow them to do so...so stop. I know it will be difficult because you do not want to upset them but if you do not stop this, it could all blow up, out of control. Now you are in control , time to act :) You could start being 'unavailable' and having a seperate life. They may be 4 doors down but you can be independent of them & it sounds like your little family needs that. Sit them down & gently explain what's happening for you & listen to each other. God Blessmyou, <><
 
RedTent said:
The key to our working together is communication. I'll bet your folks would respond to being including in working out the problem with your son. It would be nice if your husband could be included in the "solution" group of communicati8ng with caring and love, all for each other.
Click to expand...

Thanks for sharing RedTent, i find this really helpful. [Haven't read the complete thread yet]
I LOVE solutions! My Mother [80yrs] explained to me she finds change difficult and I can imagine it is difficult when one has been doing things a certain way for 70+ years!
I've been wondering if change feels difficult because she worries things might not work like before, or that changes might cost alot of money, or maybe because of having to learn new ways of daily living that were taken for granted before...
I would never want to take her choices or indepedence from her. Please pray for my patience, i really really need some. Thanks.
 
Wow, you are in a stressful situation. I do feel for you and in some responses to your thread I agree with some as well as totally disagree with others. I agree with RedTent 100% It was great to hear the view of the other side and how they manage to keep things working and with mutual respect and care and concern for each other.

Yes I agree also that your parents are taking advantage of you and manipulating you. It can be hard for everyone, they may not even realize that they are doing so. And some people (not just parents) can be very controlling and demanding, and that can take a toll on those with big hearts and who want to do right and honor their parents and honor God.

Changing your phone number or moving is not a solution. To me that would make the situation even worse and it would also bring hard feelings for everyone involved.

I do believe communication and boundaries are the solution, but it is difficult when and if they are not listening to your needs. Any relationship has to be give and take, there has to be respect and consideration for one another for it to be healthy.

It is sad that your parents know how to drive and even have their own car and refuse to use it. If I were you I would be curious as to know why they don't want to bother driving. I wonder if something happened at some point in their life the reason why they don't want to drive themselves and are clinging to your help and services. Have they always been coming to you for everything or just as they have gotten older? (No need to actually answer, it is just something that would have popped into my mind if I would be in your situation). If it is something that just started happening, try to think back or find out what occurred to create this change in them. Maybe they feel as if the older they get, and with you married and having a child, maybe they feel they will lose your attention and are being very clingy and demanding to be able to spend more time with you. No one knows any of this but God. So please keep praying and ask Him to reveal things to you and to guide you.

All I can say is, if I were in this situation I would trust my husband to have my back. Ask yours to go with you for moral support and back up and set some time aside for all of you to sit down and talk things out. Both of you need to express clearly and lovingly that their actions are putting strain and stress on the marriage. Explain that you want to be there for them and to help when truly needed, but that you also have a family and life of your own. If they seem as if they are not listening, then you need to keep trying. As another said, schedule a time to be able to help them out. What if before going to talk with them, you and your husband sit down and actually draw up a chart, showing what days and times you have available to be of help to them, take it with you when you talk things out with your parents. And then show them your schedule and have them post it somewhere easily for them to view at a moments notice. If you are not available, then they need to respect that and drive themselves or find another alternative. Before ending the chat make sure both sides have had a chance to talk and tell their feelings, and don't be afraid to ask them why they no longer wish to drive. There has to be a reason for them clinging and wanting your attention. After, you and your husband keep praying and allow God time to work in their hearts. It will be difficult for change at first, but if it is done gradually, I am sure everyone will be comfortable and happy with the outcome.

But by no means should you cut your parents off all together. We need them as much as they need us and we are to respect and honor our elders and be there for them. They were there for us all our lives and when we were in need, so we need to also be there for them as well. But not to take advantage of the situation though. :)

I do hope this helps and maybe gives you something to think about and pray upon. Whatever you do, just be respectful and considerate and do it with love. And pray that there will be change.

In short, none of us have the right to tell you what to do, just suggest what we would do if we pictured ourselves in your shoes. The main thing to do is always keep praying and let God speak to your heart. Keep communicating, especially with your husband. You need each other in this and you need to work as a team. That is a big part of marriage.

Will be praying for you and hope things will get solved and better in no time. God bless and we wish you the best.

((( HUGS ))) :)
 
Problems with parents can be very complex. Always remember that they were there for you and cared for you when you were young. You need their blessing. Many don't have the gift of having both their parents. God has called us as Christians to love. It's not easy. But, they are old. Talking with them would be difficult but it has to be done. Have a family discussion. Keep this in prayer. Talk to others. Get new ideas. You will work out things. Whatever you do, don't give up on them. They could only turn to their daughter for help. You need not do everything for them and give everything for them. Your family is equally important as your father and mother. Always take care of their needs. You could always boycott their wants for your family's welfare. I say wants. Don't boycott what they need in old age. Plan things ahead and expect them to say their plans ahead. Sensitize them about how your family works and let them know the situation. whatever you do, don't hurt them. That's all I can think of. God bless you and your family :)
 
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I think you being honest with them is the best way to handle this. You have responsibilities to your child and husband and home. But let them know you can help when it's really needed and if they just want to spend time together, offer to go to a family outing a picnic, the zoo etc.
 
Set firmer boundaries. You need to let them know you are willing to help. But It has to be at a set time, and you need to use their car for their errands. There may be a reason they aren't wanting to drive themselves, sometimes the elderly are too afraid or embarassed to say they are having an issue driving.

If they have issues with this, then tell them it's time to hire a senior helper who can drive them around at their every whim and such, since that's what they're paid to do.
 
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