Equally yoked

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creative_rabbit

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My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. We are both Christians, and have begun to consider marriage. Right from the start we knew no sex before marriage so it has never been an issue. Last night, he confessed to me that he is not a virgin, and that he did some things he regrets before becoming a christian. I however grew up in the Church and am still a virgin. It worries me, and makes me feel uneasy that I have saved myself but he has not done the same for me. I am wondering if anyone has any advice, can I forgive his past and be ok with it, or will it be something that may cause issues if we were to marry?
 
If it's something you can forgive and overlook, then keep on going, assuming that is God's will.

If it's something you cannot get through, then I guess you'll have to end it.

There is nothing that says you must marry a virgin. There is nothing that says you're wrong if you can't get over the fact that he isn't a virgin.

This is a personal issue you'll have to wrestle with.
 
The thing is, I had suspected it to be the case, but I didn't want it to be true, so I convinced myslef otherwise. Now to find out the truth, it really hurts. I am probably in initially shock right now, but how long will it take before I know I can get past it or if it will haunt me forever. It's so had to know.
 
What would Jesus do?


Forgiveness. :)

I respect this guy of yours, for telling you this. Did you ask him for this answer or did he bring up the subject of sex b4 marriage on his own. Not that doing one or other matters. important thing is he told you, that is a good thing . God knows our hearts and if your fiance can be honest about that itvtells me he really, really, really likes you. I would see this as a great and important step in yourvrelationship with him. and what i would do now too is pray to God and tell how you feel. Ultimately, what matters more than anything else is putting God first. More than anything else, make sure relationship with God is personal and intimate. he (God) will never leave you nor forsake you , Hebrews .13:5.
God bless you and I pray you hear from others that God speaks through. Remember, fear God, as in His wrath, do things best you can according to His will, the Lord leads. Follow..... :)
 
Thanks GreenNnice for your encouragement. We were both opening up to each other, as we realised if we want to get serious we have to be totally honest. I told him I forgive him, because if Jesus can forgive him, than who am I not to. But I see my body as a precious gift, so I want to be sure that I will be willing to give him that, knowing he can't give the same back in return and that I won't feel any regret for my decision. He is an amazing guy, with a beautiful heart, that wants to serve God more than anything. But he has made a lot of mistakes in the past. I suppose the most important thing is to pray about it.
 
You made the comment that you saved yourself but he didn't do the same for you. I'm sure that his actions were done in complete selfishness and without regard to who he might be hurting, including himself, his future wife, and God. It appears as if now he understands how wrong that was, and has even had a relationship with you for the past year without pressuring you in any way to have a sexual relationship. That tells me that he has matured and is repentant for his actions, especially since he told you the truth about his past. That is very admirable, because there are many guys who would have no problem keeping that secret.

And for someone who has never experienced sexual sin, it's easy to look down on those who have. I have been there and I've judged others for it. I have also since committed sexual sin, as a Christian, and I now have to tell whoever I enter into a relationship that I have done certain things and wait for them to decide if it's a deal breaker or not. It's not a sin that others forgive very easily. Fortunately, it is a sin that God forgives. Always. He has forgotten them long ago and I am so thankful for that. But I still remember it, and I have to learn how to forgive myself and hope that my future husband will forgive me as well.

It sounds like you have a pretty good guy, so I hope that you are able to forgive him.
 
Thank you FleeceOnEarth, you are helping me to realise how special he is, and that I am blessed to have him, despite his past.
This world is so imperfect and we all make mistakes and fall short.
 
I don't think this should be framed as you failing to forgive him if you can't over look it.

Someone saving it for marriage is obviously important to you. You desire for sex to be a shared first experience on your wedding night. That's just an honest desire of yours.

You shouldn't be labeled as unforgiving if you can't overlook it.

Yes it's true God has forgiven him. Yes it's true we shouldn't hold someone's sin over their heads. But it's also true that we can have God given desires and maintaining said desires doesn't make one an unforgiving person.

I don't feel you're in the wrong if you overlook his issue. I don't feel you're in the wrong if you can't overlook this issue.
 
creative_rabbit said:
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. We are both Christians, and have begun to consider marriage. Right from the start we knew no sex before marriage so it has never been an issue. Last night, he confessed to me that he is not a virgin, and that he did some things he regrets before becoming a christian. I however grew up in the Church and am still a virgin. It worries me, and makes me feel uneasy that I have saved myself but he has not done the same for me. I am wondering if anyone has any advice, can I forgive his past and be ok with it, or will it be something that may cause issues if we were to marry?
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It took him over a year to tell you he's not a virgin??? Thats a long time to just be findin that out now.

If i was you, i wouldnt feel uneasy that he didnt save himself. I would feel sick thinking that he had sex with someone...

if you truly love him, get over it.

If your that worried about it, dump him.
 
creative_rabbit said:
but I didn't want it to be true, so I convinced myslef otherwise.
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If there is anything in your posts that concerns me, it's this.

Instead of just seeing if it was true, you in a way, created a self delusion. That's really not healthy to do.

I'd sit back and see if there is anything else in this relationship that you are having to convince yourself about, even if you know it's true or isn't true or think it's true or whatever.

I've talked to enough gals to know that women can be very good at this form of self-deception, and in the end it never turns out good.
 
Still_waters has given very wise counsel. Sometimes we can get past something like this and sometimes we can't. If you can, you can. If you can't, you can't, so don't deceive him by continuing the relationship and allowing him to feel that you can. It would be a thorn in your relationship and relationships are hard enough as they are.

Like Nod, I have deep concern that he chose to hide this from you, knowing how very important this issue is to you.

Our prayers are with you. May God bring healing and wisdom to you.
 
Creative, I think its already in the past from what you just said of forgiving him. Fabulous, forgiveness is a great thing if we do it GENUINELY AND COMPLETELY. God looks very down on not forgiving others of debt owed you when you too in life were in debt to someone and God's mercy forgave that debt on you. Forgiveness is so freeing, not just for you but for person you are forgiving. so, go forth with true acceptance of your fiance's past act (if u r engaged), and, you two can become a very powerful couple for Him and I'm pretty sure he has had hang-UPS with you already, Creative, if u r a year into your relationship and he hopefully gave those issues to God, spoke to you of them (things like maybe constantly saying, OMG, or, not liking sports like he does, etc.) Anyway, 'nough said, except you sound like a special brit girl able to forgive in this way, and, you better believe it, this way of forgiveness is a great thing of you, as long as the Lords leading you . :) God bless your continuing journey with this guy, may God be at the core of your relationship, he sounds like a great guy to me, Creative, and, you have chosen to not judge him, you have forgiven him. hey. it's not all sexual sin, of course, I mean, we all have pasts and things we're not proud of, fitly all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. YOU are both christians, so.....if you love each other with God first in your life ABOVE ALL ELSE, then it sounds all good to me, it sounds all God, too :)
 
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Thanks everyone. It is not like he was hiding it from me for a whole year. He had dropped hints, I just hoped it wasn't true, but now I know it is, I have to deal with it. I love this guy, and his passion for God (he even gave up his job once, to study to be a preacher for 2 years) and he currently preaches part time while working. He has had a lot of difficulities in his family, with losing his older brother, his younger brother very ill and his mother going through 2 divorces, and to see they way he has come through all that, is truly inspiring. I feel like I would be a fool to give him up. And NodMyHeadLikeYeah it actually did make me feel sick, when he told me, my muscles seized up, and I felt physically sick, my heart was racing . So I told him how it made me feel, and we talked it through, which made me feel a lot better. They say communication is important in relationships, and talking it through, thought it was hard to do, benefited us both. And as GreenNnice said, he has some hang-ups with me. But it seems the only way to get through any of that is to take it to God and talk it through between ourselves. Because when you don't talk, assumptions are made, that are often wrong.
 
I wish you well, creative, . Yeah, cool, a preacher type for a potential husband, that sounds good to me. Your beau sounds to me like he's rock-fire ready for marriage, an open relationship is how God wants it. For us best, like you said, no assumptons means everything is clearer. Go through every step of the pre-marital way, counseling, etc, and I see you and he , a match made from God . You go with God girl , and, don't let it be any other way than that for yourbeau knowing that too. God luck :)
 
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Hopefully you weren't saving yourself for him but for the Lord. Paul was a persecutor of Christians but he changed. All is new that is in Christ. If he had sex before but has since repented and changed his ways that is what matters. As to not telling you earlier about hsi earlier sexual experience had you ever asked him directly if he had sex before. in Proverbs there are a couple fo passages that says it may be prudent not to say open your mouth to say something just because you have the knoweledge. If he sinned before (having unmarried sex) it is really just between him and God especially since it occrred befoire yo and him were committed to each other.

I admire you two for the commitment to abstain from sex befoe marriage. There is so much pressure now to forgo that type of commitment, to each other and to God.
 
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