Q
QuietCaptiveFreed
Guest
Today was a hard day. One of the things that made it rough was the fact that I have already written this blog once, almost finished it, and lost it. Don't know how. Just poof, gone. So maybe I needed to write it twice to get the message engrained in my brain. Anyway, today was switch day. The day I take the boys to their dad's house (used to be mine) and they spend their week with him. It sucks. I head back to the car with an ache in my heart and a tear on my cheek. Usually spend the whole drive back to my apartment bemoaning to God why "Ralph" got away with betraying me, slandering against me, taking everything from me, and threatening to take my children from me for not being "mentally stable" enough to take care of them on my own. Ever been accused of being mentally ill by a mentally ill individual? Its a real hoot. It scares the hell out of you because you realize this person could convince anyone of anything. So, like I said, rough day.
It got me thinking about where I was this time last year. I had found out about my husband's indiscretions a few months earlier and the church, not interested in my claims of psychological and sexual abuse, decided that there were plenty of divorced ministers out there so gave me a sweet "don't let the Jesus engraved wooden doors kick you on the butt on your way out". I had hoped to draw out the divorce. Give me some time to try and find a decent job. X-preacher's wives who were stay at home moms aren't exactly the top of any list for a lot of employers. I was just overwhelmed and in limbo. Ralph was playing the grieving husband for the congregation and at home was threatening me to hurry up and file or my life was going to be a nightmare. He would make sure of that. And hen my sweet little brother spoke some words of wisdom that were a little rough to hear but changed the way I looked at God and me.
"Grace, God is not going to jump out of the bushes and save you. Just because your husband is a dick and making your life a living hell....God isn't going to sweep you up and carry you off to freedom. God has given you everything you need to get out of this situation. So just do it"
He was totally right. And once again Fear becomes the theme of yet another blog. I feel that so many times in my life choosing to do nothing was what being a good Christian girl was. Don't rock the boat. Don't complain. Don't. Do. Anything. If God wants to bring fruit from your life just sit politely with you hands folded and wait. OH and you must pray. Can't forget that part. Sit quietly. Hands folded. Praying. All joking aside I do believe that's what we do with things we can't control. But the truth is we can have much more to do with what pans out in our lives then we may be comfortable with.
So. I did the hard thing. I filed for divorce. And I told my kids. That experience alone had me praying for death. But God had allowed everything to "come to the light" in such a way that leaving my husband legally was not even because of his chronic unfaithfulness. It was because I was not safe. Things were getting scary. Like, "plotline for Lifetime movie" scary. God wanted me out but he wanted me to know I was strong enough and smart enough to take action.
So my prayer for all of us this evening is for God to continue to give us Wisdom. We've got to know the difference between times that are so out of our control that all we can do is sit, pray, and wait. But we must also ask the Holy Spirit to discern those things in our lives that we CAN do something about. And then ask for the courage to do it. And don't be discouraged if you get a little backlash for no longer hiding your fear in Faith's clothing. Taking action is scary and threatening to people. Especially those people who liked us far better as the "sit and wait" type. Take heart, Your heavenly father will enable you to do what he asks you to do:
"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do"
Oh Father I am so tired. I rest in the peace of doing that which you asked me to do but I beg you for encouragement and wisdom. Please encourage all of your children who, right now, are spiritually paralyzed for fear of choosing wrong or just not wanting to choose at all. Give them discernment to see the path you've laid out for them. Thank you for your word that gives confirmation to those actions that ARE within your will. WE love you so much, Amen.
It got me thinking about where I was this time last year. I had found out about my husband's indiscretions a few months earlier and the church, not interested in my claims of psychological and sexual abuse, decided that there were plenty of divorced ministers out there so gave me a sweet "don't let the Jesus engraved wooden doors kick you on the butt on your way out". I had hoped to draw out the divorce. Give me some time to try and find a decent job. X-preacher's wives who were stay at home moms aren't exactly the top of any list for a lot of employers. I was just overwhelmed and in limbo. Ralph was playing the grieving husband for the congregation and at home was threatening me to hurry up and file or my life was going to be a nightmare. He would make sure of that. And hen my sweet little brother spoke some words of wisdom that were a little rough to hear but changed the way I looked at God and me.
"Grace, God is not going to jump out of the bushes and save you. Just because your husband is a dick and making your life a living hell....God isn't going to sweep you up and carry you off to freedom. God has given you everything you need to get out of this situation. So just do it"
He was totally right. And once again Fear becomes the theme of yet another blog. I feel that so many times in my life choosing to do nothing was what being a good Christian girl was. Don't rock the boat. Don't complain. Don't. Do. Anything. If God wants to bring fruit from your life just sit politely with you hands folded and wait. OH and you must pray. Can't forget that part. Sit quietly. Hands folded. Praying. All joking aside I do believe that's what we do with things we can't control. But the truth is we can have much more to do with what pans out in our lives then we may be comfortable with.
So. I did the hard thing. I filed for divorce. And I told my kids. That experience alone had me praying for death. But God had allowed everything to "come to the light" in such a way that leaving my husband legally was not even because of his chronic unfaithfulness. It was because I was not safe. Things were getting scary. Like, "plotline for Lifetime movie" scary. God wanted me out but he wanted me to know I was strong enough and smart enough to take action.
So my prayer for all of us this evening is for God to continue to give us Wisdom. We've got to know the difference between times that are so out of our control that all we can do is sit, pray, and wait. But we must also ask the Holy Spirit to discern those things in our lives that we CAN do something about. And then ask for the courage to do it. And don't be discouraged if you get a little backlash for no longer hiding your fear in Faith's clothing. Taking action is scary and threatening to people. Especially those people who liked us far better as the "sit and wait" type. Take heart, Your heavenly father will enable you to do what he asks you to do:
"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do"
Oh Father I am so tired. I rest in the peace of doing that which you asked me to do but I beg you for encouragement and wisdom. Please encourage all of your children who, right now, are spiritually paralyzed for fear of choosing wrong or just not wanting to choose at all. Give them discernment to see the path you've laid out for them. Thank you for your word that gives confirmation to those actions that ARE within your will. WE love you so much, Amen.