L
Lukke
Guest
Hello everyone,
I'm a 22 year old guy who has quiet some difficulties expressing himself to his loved ones. Let's just start by saying that I think God blessed me since theday I was born with an exceptional mother. She was the stone that held together and gave strenght to her family, and when she created her own family, she had this amazing ability of mixing the two families and, according to me, making them look like one huge incredibly happy family. During holidays, birthdays, and sometimes for no special ocassion, my family used to get together just to spend some quality time.
the other part of the story is that God also blessed me with a wonderful father. A great provider for us. and even though we don't have a lot of money, he's always worked so much to give us a decent way of living. he comes from a very humble family, where his father died when he was still too young, probably 5 or 6, and left my grandma with 10 children, all of them boys. therefore, I totally understand the fact that my grandma had to harden herself with a very strong personality, so that all of her children became proper citizens for the society. the only thing that she might have forgotten was to give them a lot of love or at least show them, how to express it.
Me, as the first born of these two incredible parents, have always felt greatful to God for them, even though my father and I never had a very tight relationship (at least like the one I had with my mother). it might have been just because he was barely present for the first few years of my life (not that i judge him harshly about that - he was working in another country to earn enough money to built a house for us, and to give us a better future). meanwhile, my mother and I, lived with my maternal grandma. a role model of a woman, who, despite not having a profession and marrying at only 15 years of age, decided to go against her husband's will and do whatever she could to make her 4 daughters, professional women and well educated.
this one is the grandma who has been like a second mother to me. always there, loving, fun, clever, and innocent. Pure of heart.
so there it is... my father's family, a hard working, strict, and not very emotional family. and my mother's family, also a hard working, but loving and with an INCREDIBLY strong family union.
the actual problem is the following: a man's first true love, MY first true love, my mother, died after battling cancer for 4 years, in 2009. as you can think of.. my whole family fell apart... my mother's family was devastated. and my father's family was as well (you can now imagine how great she was, if she could reach into each one of my father's sibling and make them feel like they had lost a sister, and a daughter to my parternal grandma)... and let's not talk about not me.. but my 9 year old brother and my 8 year old siister.... It all simply didnt make any sense, i still try very hard to understand why it happened. but God works in misterious ways.
from that moment on, I have tried to help out my father into stablishing tight relationship with my brother and sister, because that is what my mother would have wanted things to be. she was the best advisor ever, so I just think that I should follow her advices and pass them on to my siblings. but I have to admit... THIS IS HARD. because it's no only playing the role of a father, and a big brother... It's also playing the role of what? a Partner for my father? a great advisor and the stone that gives strenght to my second mother? besides dealing with my own stuff: being a full time medicine student.
It just feels like there's no space for what I feel. for what I really want to do. there's no space for me to still be a son and be taught. and there's definitely no time in the world to give me the only thing that could ease all this up. because, as corny as it may sound, the only thing that could clear this whole internal mess is my mom.
and I do hope you are not misjudging me now. I gladly play all those roles. because I am playing them just to make my family happy, which is just everything to me.
So, this is actually some sort of daddy-Partner-whole family issue. without my mom, i have to deal with my father's ways of handling things (which are non communicative, strict, sometimes sloppy, stubborn, and not very emotionally loving) and my mother's family's ways (very flexible, very communicative, attentive, and very caring). and the hard one to deal with is my father. I don't share many of his opinions, and I have politely tried to talk about, at least, the most important ones. like NOT GOING to my sister's birthday yesterday, because he wanted to teach everyone the lesson that he is the father, "the one who shares the most amount of DNA". I tried handling the situation with my grandma and aunts by saying that he just couldn't make it... but, what will I come up with when New Year's Eve comes and he, HOPEFULLY NOT, decides that he is not going either?
I can't be Switzerland, but i don't want it to come to a situation where i have to take sides. these are the only people I would give my life for, and I can't have them in disagreement. specially when I know that my father hasn't always been there for my brother and sister, and they will definitely support the other side. I just wish I could have the means to get to my father and make him understand. for him to speak his mind up, and to be open to what i have to say.
May God forgive me if I disrespect him but.... I think that being a father is not only providing the money for the well living,,, being a father is really about stablishing a strong bond of confidence and love with your children, giving them your support and having theirs as well... an effective communication is not based only on transmitting the message... but on making the receiver understand what was intended in the message.
Thank you for reading the whole post or a few words of it. I appreciate the time spent.
I'm a 22 year old guy who has quiet some difficulties expressing himself to his loved ones. Let's just start by saying that I think God blessed me since theday I was born with an exceptional mother. She was the stone that held together and gave strenght to her family, and when she created her own family, she had this amazing ability of mixing the two families and, according to me, making them look like one huge incredibly happy family. During holidays, birthdays, and sometimes for no special ocassion, my family used to get together just to spend some quality time.
the other part of the story is that God also blessed me with a wonderful father. A great provider for us. and even though we don't have a lot of money, he's always worked so much to give us a decent way of living. he comes from a very humble family, where his father died when he was still too young, probably 5 or 6, and left my grandma with 10 children, all of them boys. therefore, I totally understand the fact that my grandma had to harden herself with a very strong personality, so that all of her children became proper citizens for the society. the only thing that she might have forgotten was to give them a lot of love or at least show them, how to express it.
Me, as the first born of these two incredible parents, have always felt greatful to God for them, even though my father and I never had a very tight relationship (at least like the one I had with my mother). it might have been just because he was barely present for the first few years of my life (not that i judge him harshly about that - he was working in another country to earn enough money to built a house for us, and to give us a better future). meanwhile, my mother and I, lived with my maternal grandma. a role model of a woman, who, despite not having a profession and marrying at only 15 years of age, decided to go against her husband's will and do whatever she could to make her 4 daughters, professional women and well educated.
this one is the grandma who has been like a second mother to me. always there, loving, fun, clever, and innocent. Pure of heart.
so there it is... my father's family, a hard working, strict, and not very emotional family. and my mother's family, also a hard working, but loving and with an INCREDIBLY strong family union.
the actual problem is the following: a man's first true love, MY first true love, my mother, died after battling cancer for 4 years, in 2009. as you can think of.. my whole family fell apart... my mother's family was devastated. and my father's family was as well (you can now imagine how great she was, if she could reach into each one of my father's sibling and make them feel like they had lost a sister, and a daughter to my parternal grandma)... and let's not talk about not me.. but my 9 year old brother and my 8 year old siister.... It all simply didnt make any sense, i still try very hard to understand why it happened. but God works in misterious ways.
from that moment on, I have tried to help out my father into stablishing tight relationship with my brother and sister, because that is what my mother would have wanted things to be. she was the best advisor ever, so I just think that I should follow her advices and pass them on to my siblings. but I have to admit... THIS IS HARD. because it's no only playing the role of a father, and a big brother... It's also playing the role of what? a Partner for my father? a great advisor and the stone that gives strenght to my second mother? besides dealing with my own stuff: being a full time medicine student.
It just feels like there's no space for what I feel. for what I really want to do. there's no space for me to still be a son and be taught. and there's definitely no time in the world to give me the only thing that could ease all this up. because, as corny as it may sound, the only thing that could clear this whole internal mess is my mom.
and I do hope you are not misjudging me now. I gladly play all those roles. because I am playing them just to make my family happy, which is just everything to me.
So, this is actually some sort of daddy-Partner-whole family issue. without my mom, i have to deal with my father's ways of handling things (which are non communicative, strict, sometimes sloppy, stubborn, and not very emotionally loving) and my mother's family's ways (very flexible, very communicative, attentive, and very caring). and the hard one to deal with is my father. I don't share many of his opinions, and I have politely tried to talk about, at least, the most important ones. like NOT GOING to my sister's birthday yesterday, because he wanted to teach everyone the lesson that he is the father, "the one who shares the most amount of DNA". I tried handling the situation with my grandma and aunts by saying that he just couldn't make it... but, what will I come up with when New Year's Eve comes and he, HOPEFULLY NOT, decides that he is not going either?
I can't be Switzerland, but i don't want it to come to a situation where i have to take sides. these are the only people I would give my life for, and I can't have them in disagreement. specially when I know that my father hasn't always been there for my brother and sister, and they will definitely support the other side. I just wish I could have the means to get to my father and make him understand. for him to speak his mind up, and to be open to what i have to say.
May God forgive me if I disrespect him but.... I think that being a father is not only providing the money for the well living,,, being a father is really about stablishing a strong bond of confidence and love with your children, giving them your support and having theirs as well... an effective communication is not based only on transmitting the message... but on making the receiver understand what was intended in the message.
Thank you for reading the whole post or a few words of it. I appreciate the time spent.