I'm just blogging this post so that it may help others who are struggling with the same situations, in order that I don't bore the forums repeating my story multiple times. I hope it encourages others. The Lord is wise and loves his children!
QuietCaptive, my heart goes out to you in your grief. I know how terrible that suffering can be. My husband started his affair in July of 2012, I found out about it in November 2012, and he ultimately walked out to be with her in January 2013, right after our 16th anniversary. From the very beginning, my main fear was that I would be hardened and bitter. I prayed constantly for the Lord to protect me from that. I've known people who never got past this, and it scared me to think that I could be one of those.
The Lord surrounds those who are brokenhearted. He heals. It takes time, and there's no rushing it. You just have to be still in the midst of the pain, and let it surround you, and FEEL it. You can't push it away, or you won't heal properly. Let yourself grieve, cry, and hurt. Know that it WILL get better. You aren't always going to feel this way! There is a whole new life for you after this. God loves you abundantly and will give you many blessings! It's impossible to imagine that now, but in your heart you have to keep reminding yourself of it, because it is true. I did go through all of the stages of grief. It helps if you can recognize which stage you are in. Gives you hope to look back see the progress you've made.
Things that helped me:
1. The kids helped! You HAVE to be strong for them. You cannot wallow too much because they need to know everything is going to be okay. I was concentrating on making them believe that it was all okay, that I ended up actually being okay.
My girls were teengers... they knew the women he left with, and they knew what had happened. They were scared about what life was going to look like after he left, but we made it all into a grand adventure. I tried to be excited about everything that was happening - new house, new traditions... It helped me more than it helped them, even. 2. Cutting off as much contact with my ex-husband as possible. For a long time I was still texting with him, talking with him... I couldn't let him go, and he didn't want to let ME go either... he wanted his girlfriend but he wanted to still have me to talk to, ask advice from, share his day with. It was pretty messed up, but I was so desperate that I went along with it. I finally realized that there was no closure that way. Every time I talked to him, it took me back to the beginning. I couldn't move on. So I had to cut off all contact, and keep myself from anything that had to do with him. We send polite messages having to do with the kids, but they were short and quick, no conversation.
3. Good friends and family. Can't stress enough the value of a loving church family who surrounded us and loved us so amazingly well throughout all of this. I pray that you have such a support system.
I started feeling much better as soon as I stopped contact with my ex. It's almost two years since he left, and I feel blessed and can see God working in my life for a promising future. I have no idea what trust will look like with another man. I am not naturally jealous so I don't believe I'll have that problem. I refuse to be suspicious... I can't live my life that way. I hope to find someone who realizes the importance of boundaries between themselves and female friends and coworkers. Obviously a married man shouldn't be texting another woman to talk about marriage problems (or anything else emotional or personal). Spouses should let their partner's know as soon as they suspect they might be attracted to another person, so that the couple can take measures to prevent the attachment together. This sort of honesty and openness is what I would want for a future relationship, and I feel like I could be safe and secure if I were confident of having these plans in place.
I will make a point to pray for you. Your note brings back memories... I remember reaching out anywhere I could for answers. I wanted so badly to "fix" myself. But in the end it takes prayer and time. Even after forgiveness comes, there is a period of just healing so that you aren't thinking about what happened so much anymore. (For me, that took about 18 months. I rarely even think about it now unless someone on the forums like you needs encouragement.) I am in such a better place now than I was a year ago. You will be in a much better place a year from now. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about anything at all.
I know that isn't the truth, but it felt that way at times. It has been almost 2-1/2 years since the divorce now, and I am healing and moving on