B
Be_Evergreen
Guest
Ever since I was small, I have loved God. I kind of just grew up accepting what I was told at my CCD classes- that God loves us, and Jesus died for us, so that we can one day be with Them in Heaven. I accepted it, reflected on it- I even did unassigned assignments in the workbooks we were given, because I wanted to learn more and grow spiritually.
I am young- but 20 years old.
In middle school, my world came crashing down. My parents were divorcing. They would fight in the house anyway, and now they fought in separate houses. I was very angry the day that they told me, and I remember retreating into the basement of my house. I drew on a chalk board frantically, I banged on a student snare drum noisily, and then I sat down and cried. I think it was on this day that I looked at my wrist, traced the veins. It felt so fragile, and I wondered how deep one had to go to free the blood inside- right away, I felt myself blown away from those thoughts. "God loves me. People here love me. Don't ever think about hurting myself." And that was the end of that.
God has blessed me with the wisdom of knowing, at times, that I had been given a gift.
My father died of cancer. When he was sick, I didn't know what to pray for. Should he get better, or was that against God's plan? Ultimately, near the end, I settled on "peace". And then my father left this world in peace, finally free from that horrible pain, the day I was starting 12th grade.
I was numb. I had gone through being sad about what was happening throughout his sickness, so I was done doing that. And I didn't have time to mourn, as I had school to focus on. But I could tell I wasn't okay, as when someone brought my father up, my throat would tighten up and I would want the subject to change. Frankly, I didn't know how to deal with it.
When he had died, I struggled with where he would go. He had gone to masses with me, and been blessed many times throughout his sickness. Nevertheless, I retained a fear that I didn't know where he was. And when people would say, "He's in Heaven now", I couldn't say to them, "You don't know that, only God knows."
I needed someone to make me feel again, and God sent it in the form of my first love, who came to my father's funeral with his father in order to pay his respects. He asked me out a month later, and I felt it was right- so I accepted.
The first thing I worried about was- did I make the right decision? I knew he was Catholic, but did not know how strong his beliefs were. He was kind and peaceful, that I could tell. But he didn't seem the type to pick up a Bible, at that point in his life.
Nevertheless, he was chaste. A virgin, and very respectful to me. He seemed to know that all I would accept is maybe a kiss here and there, but that he couldn't cross the line from tenderness and love to intimacy. Slowly, he started a habit that reminded me of my father, and made me feel alive again- he would gently kiss the top of my head.
I knew deep down that we had too many differences to continue on, though it hurt losing him after over a year of healing, from the magic of love. But I appreciated that God gave me someone that he knew would care for me, at a time where I felt the most lost and emotionally drained.
________
There has been a big sign in my life, recently, that has woken me from a spiritual slump. I do not dream of God- my dreams are usually very enjoyable and thoughtful, but random. A few nights ago, however, I drempt that God was with me, and that he was going to show me what it physically feels like to die. My vision slowly went black, and it was much like shutting a computer down. Death- it was numb, and it was terrifying. God brought me back quickly, and then asked me what this meant. It had meaning. I'm still trying to figure it out.
I am aware that not all dreams come from God, though death is something I have always feared. It terrified me into looking at my waning spiritual life, and reviving it. I am currently in that process.
______
I feel God's presence in more than my pain and suffering. When I'm listening to music, I often feel a shiver up my spine and an urge to pray to God, to offer up what I am experiencing. The song, "Breath you in" by Thousand Foot Krutch left me so reverent that I broke down, my eyes wet, and prayed. I listen to music when driving, and often feel that same shiver.
My spiritual life may seem interesting to some, but it has led me to the places that I need to be to grow and learn. I went from attending church every single week (unless sick) up through 11th grade, to becoming nondenominational. I still go to Catholic churches now and then, for quiet prayer or for masses. There is one on my college campus that I will go to between classes.
I do not swear- that is one problem I have never had. I didn't grow up with it in the house, and I understood that it was bad. I just didn't understand why people needed to swear. It didn't seem necessary.
I appear modest to most, always trying to offer a smile in greeting. I have had a strong pull towards the innocent, and the one thing I cannot stand, that I detest, is the harming of an innocent animal or human. The kind of hate that can destroy innocence, it is awful, it is vile.
I fall short, I mess up, but again and again I find myself drawn back to God. It is I who forget my faith, not God who forgets me. Ours is a loving and forgiving God, and I can never repay all that He has sacrificed, in the great Sacrifice, all that He has given to me. My Faith in and of itself, of my easy acceptance of it- that is a gift I will never forget, as long as I shall live.
I am a Christian. I love God. Thank you for allowing me to share a testimony of my faith.
I am young- but 20 years old.
In middle school, my world came crashing down. My parents were divorcing. They would fight in the house anyway, and now they fought in separate houses. I was very angry the day that they told me, and I remember retreating into the basement of my house. I drew on a chalk board frantically, I banged on a student snare drum noisily, and then I sat down and cried. I think it was on this day that I looked at my wrist, traced the veins. It felt so fragile, and I wondered how deep one had to go to free the blood inside- right away, I felt myself blown away from those thoughts. "God loves me. People here love me. Don't ever think about hurting myself." And that was the end of that.
God has blessed me with the wisdom of knowing, at times, that I had been given a gift.
My father died of cancer. When he was sick, I didn't know what to pray for. Should he get better, or was that against God's plan? Ultimately, near the end, I settled on "peace". And then my father left this world in peace, finally free from that horrible pain, the day I was starting 12th grade.
I was numb. I had gone through being sad about what was happening throughout his sickness, so I was done doing that. And I didn't have time to mourn, as I had school to focus on. But I could tell I wasn't okay, as when someone brought my father up, my throat would tighten up and I would want the subject to change. Frankly, I didn't know how to deal with it.
When he had died, I struggled with where he would go. He had gone to masses with me, and been blessed many times throughout his sickness. Nevertheless, I retained a fear that I didn't know where he was. And when people would say, "He's in Heaven now", I couldn't say to them, "You don't know that, only God knows."
I needed someone to make me feel again, and God sent it in the form of my first love, who came to my father's funeral with his father in order to pay his respects. He asked me out a month later, and I felt it was right- so I accepted.
The first thing I worried about was- did I make the right decision? I knew he was Catholic, but did not know how strong his beliefs were. He was kind and peaceful, that I could tell. But he didn't seem the type to pick up a Bible, at that point in his life.
Nevertheless, he was chaste. A virgin, and very respectful to me. He seemed to know that all I would accept is maybe a kiss here and there, but that he couldn't cross the line from tenderness and love to intimacy. Slowly, he started a habit that reminded me of my father, and made me feel alive again- he would gently kiss the top of my head.
I knew deep down that we had too many differences to continue on, though it hurt losing him after over a year of healing, from the magic of love. But I appreciated that God gave me someone that he knew would care for me, at a time where I felt the most lost and emotionally drained.
________
There has been a big sign in my life, recently, that has woken me from a spiritual slump. I do not dream of God- my dreams are usually very enjoyable and thoughtful, but random. A few nights ago, however, I drempt that God was with me, and that he was going to show me what it physically feels like to die. My vision slowly went black, and it was much like shutting a computer down. Death- it was numb, and it was terrifying. God brought me back quickly, and then asked me what this meant. It had meaning. I'm still trying to figure it out.
I am aware that not all dreams come from God, though death is something I have always feared. It terrified me into looking at my waning spiritual life, and reviving it. I am currently in that process.
______
I feel God's presence in more than my pain and suffering. When I'm listening to music, I often feel a shiver up my spine and an urge to pray to God, to offer up what I am experiencing. The song, "Breath you in" by Thousand Foot Krutch left me so reverent that I broke down, my eyes wet, and prayed. I listen to music when driving, and often feel that same shiver.
My spiritual life may seem interesting to some, but it has led me to the places that I need to be to grow and learn. I went from attending church every single week (unless sick) up through 11th grade, to becoming nondenominational. I still go to Catholic churches now and then, for quiet prayer or for masses. There is one on my college campus that I will go to between classes.
I do not swear- that is one problem I have never had. I didn't grow up with it in the house, and I understood that it was bad. I just didn't understand why people needed to swear. It didn't seem necessary.
I appear modest to most, always trying to offer a smile in greeting. I have had a strong pull towards the innocent, and the one thing I cannot stand, that I detest, is the harming of an innocent animal or human. The kind of hate that can destroy innocence, it is awful, it is vile.
I fall short, I mess up, but again and again I find myself drawn back to God. It is I who forget my faith, not God who forgets me. Ours is a loving and forgiving God, and I can never repay all that He has sacrificed, in the great Sacrifice, all that He has given to me. My Faith in and of itself, of my easy acceptance of it- that is a gift I will never forget, as long as I shall live.
I am a Christian. I love God. Thank you for allowing me to share a testimony of my faith.
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They're one band that keeps me focused spiritually. It is a beautiful song, glad you could hear it and enjoy it!