I grew up with an introduction to God from as early as I can remember. My mom had my brother and I in church every Sunday, or it felt like it was every Sunday. ALL day, multiple days a week. I am talking HOURS, lol. Growing up, I enjoyed learning about God and the bible. But looking back, I realized that many of the churches we attended were not doctrinally sound and really only preached on the health and wealth and fire and brimstone thoughts about God. With that said I always felt the Holy Spirit's presence in my life. Whether I have always acknowledged the Lord's presence is another thing, but I've always known He was there. So, I felt blessed to have a foundation of Christianity that was instilled in my life at an early age and all of the goodness that comes with that. Although I had the blessing of church and God, my childhood was very tumultuous. My mom struggled severely with mental illness and my father was never a significant part of my life (they were divorced by the time I was 2 years old and he lived out of state). This resulted in a lot of instability and dysfunction in my childhood. I moved around a lot; living with family here and there, living in hotels, and even living in a homeless shelter at one point. I was molested as a child and I changed schools a lot and never really felt stable or secure as a child. All of these things resulted in a lot of issues with low self esteem, dysfunctional and unhealthy behaviors in my teenage years (alcohol and promiscuity) and looking for everything, except God to fill the void that I continuously felt. Things had gotten so bad that at one point I was raped after drinking too much at a party. Although I knew God's laws I didn't have a true relationship with him. I can remember feeling like I was too bad for God to truly love and forgive.
At 18, I met my husband. We had our first son at 21. Based on what I learned growing up in church, I "knew" I should be married. It looked bad to have a child and not be married. I ignored so many signs that showed that neither one of us were ready or mature enough. So I got married, wanting to do what I thought was "right" but without a strong foundation in biblical principles or direction from God. I didn't belong to a church so we didn't have premarital counseling. I actually found the preacher who married us on Craigslist! I had a habit of ensuring at all cost whatever I wanted was going to be done. I had no regard for what God desired for me or my life. I boasted that "there was nothing that I could not accomplish and that I was strong enough to get through anything." PRIDE would be my downfall. For the years following, there were waves of good times in my life and marriage. We had two more kids, my career flourished and I got my dream job, we were pretty much financially stable. But the terrible times outweighed the good. Specifically in my marriage. We had waves where we prayed together, went to church, were best friends, loved each other and then waves where we have been evil, hurtful, and ungodly to each other. We had separated multiple times and we both ended up committing adultery during our separations. When we got back together, things were never really settled. Through these waves in my life and marriage I found that I was experiencing the same waves in my relationship with God. These waves mirrored the ups and downs and at times I felt so close to God and in his will, and at others I ignored God and fed my flesh.
So in this year of 2020 things in my life have really come to a head. The effects of Covid hit our family in multiple ways. We were all STUCK in the house. The stress of working from home in a high demand job increased. My work-life balance diminished making for an unhealthy work environment where I was working 15 hours a day working weekends and ignoring the needs of my family. This was my "dream" job (or so I thought) and I was not going to let it go easily. Juggling kids being out of school on top of an unstable marriage, things had gotten so heavy and I wasn't relying on anything but myself and my own devices. The job I prayed for and was so proud to have now was the source of so much stress, anxiety, and depression. In our marriage we were battling each other and tensions due to the extra stress, unforgiveness, resentment, resulted in a further breakdown and my husband eventually moved out.
All these things resulted in the jolt that I believe I needed to get into the right relationship with the Lord. This was the humbleness that I needed. I've recently come to the revelation and conviction through God that I had been deceived. I can honestly say that I have never fully and 100% committed myself to the Lord's will and his power. I've always had one foot in the door and made a habit of picking and choosing what I wanted to believe about him. God pointed me to his word and showed me I have been living double minded. James 1:22-25 says:
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. 24 For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. 25 But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing
God consistently tried to remind me that I cannot carry my own burdens but my fleshly pride did not allow God to take FULL control over my life...Until now. I liked to say that I was a Christian, I liked to present a picture but I failed to apply. God has allowed me to be broken down and experience the consequences of sin and disobedience until I had no other choice but to acknowledge his sovereigness.
Today by the power of the Holy Spirit I say, "your will not, mind me done." Today I meditate on the word to have a relationship with him. Today I put ALL of my trust in the lord. The weight and burden has been lifted from me. I have peace that surpasses all understanding. Some may ask, how can I smile in the midst of marital separation, career uncertainty, and the many times I've sinned against the Lord and the other things I've gone through. But it's knowing that I am forgiven by His grace and mercy. He reminds me of his promise that he loves me and that ALL things work together for good for those who love the lord. He tells me that when I am weak, I am made strong through him.
I pray that God uses this testimony to minister to someone who might need to hear it. My story isn't over, I am not perfect, and I have much more growing to do, but I have been made perfect and whole by the blood of Jesus.
At 18, I met my husband. We had our first son at 21. Based on what I learned growing up in church, I "knew" I should be married. It looked bad to have a child and not be married. I ignored so many signs that showed that neither one of us were ready or mature enough. So I got married, wanting to do what I thought was "right" but without a strong foundation in biblical principles or direction from God. I didn't belong to a church so we didn't have premarital counseling. I actually found the preacher who married us on Craigslist! I had a habit of ensuring at all cost whatever I wanted was going to be done. I had no regard for what God desired for me or my life. I boasted that "there was nothing that I could not accomplish and that I was strong enough to get through anything." PRIDE would be my downfall. For the years following, there were waves of good times in my life and marriage. We had two more kids, my career flourished and I got my dream job, we were pretty much financially stable. But the terrible times outweighed the good. Specifically in my marriage. We had waves where we prayed together, went to church, were best friends, loved each other and then waves where we have been evil, hurtful, and ungodly to each other. We had separated multiple times and we both ended up committing adultery during our separations. When we got back together, things were never really settled. Through these waves in my life and marriage I found that I was experiencing the same waves in my relationship with God. These waves mirrored the ups and downs and at times I felt so close to God and in his will, and at others I ignored God and fed my flesh.
So in this year of 2020 things in my life have really come to a head. The effects of Covid hit our family in multiple ways. We were all STUCK in the house. The stress of working from home in a high demand job increased. My work-life balance diminished making for an unhealthy work environment where I was working 15 hours a day working weekends and ignoring the needs of my family. This was my "dream" job (or so I thought) and I was not going to let it go easily. Juggling kids being out of school on top of an unstable marriage, things had gotten so heavy and I wasn't relying on anything but myself and my own devices. The job I prayed for and was so proud to have now was the source of so much stress, anxiety, and depression. In our marriage we were battling each other and tensions due to the extra stress, unforgiveness, resentment, resulted in a further breakdown and my husband eventually moved out.
All these things resulted in the jolt that I believe I needed to get into the right relationship with the Lord. This was the humbleness that I needed. I've recently come to the revelation and conviction through God that I had been deceived. I can honestly say that I have never fully and 100% committed myself to the Lord's will and his power. I've always had one foot in the door and made a habit of picking and choosing what I wanted to believe about him. God pointed me to his word and showed me I have been living double minded. James 1:22-25 says:
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. 24 For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. 25 But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing
God consistently tried to remind me that I cannot carry my own burdens but my fleshly pride did not allow God to take FULL control over my life...Until now. I liked to say that I was a Christian, I liked to present a picture but I failed to apply. God has allowed me to be broken down and experience the consequences of sin and disobedience until I had no other choice but to acknowledge his sovereigness.
Today by the power of the Holy Spirit I say, "your will not, mind me done." Today I meditate on the word to have a relationship with him. Today I put ALL of my trust in the lord. The weight and burden has been lifted from me. I have peace that surpasses all understanding. Some may ask, how can I smile in the midst of marital separation, career uncertainty, and the many times I've sinned against the Lord and the other things I've gone through. But it's knowing that I am forgiven by His grace and mercy. He reminds me of his promise that he loves me and that ALL things work together for good for those who love the lord. He tells me that when I am weak, I am made strong through him.
I pray that God uses this testimony to minister to someone who might need to hear it. My story isn't over, I am not perfect, and I have much more growing to do, but I have been made perfect and whole by the blood of Jesus.
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