Having trouble getting along with my fiancee...

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mightyyui

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Hi, I'm new here. Truthfully, I'm not much of a christian. I feel like my relationship with God is pretty personal and don't normally want a group or institution to assist... however, I believe that most Christians are good people and those who choose to study and practice their faith, on the whole, are... well, a better source of advice than many.

I'm having trouble getting long with my fiancee.. a lot of trouble. So much trouble that my dog may attack the man. And the thing is.. I'm really not sure it's me. I've thought about it long and hard and it seems like he treats me badly around anything that involves me not being dependent on him.. And the worse he behaves the more I dislike being around him and the more the dog becomes frightened and upset by him. I also have asked him many times to leave the dog alone but he just says "I'm not doing anything" (much like a child) and then continues to quietly push the dog around. I think maybe he's jealous and trying to be "dominant"? But how hard is it to simply not follow the dog around and force interactions when I see the dog get up and leave the room to get away from him over and over?

I'm not sure what to do. I need to communicate with him that he needs to calm down and back off, and not be so aggressive with either of us. We were in a LDR for a long time, and now that I have moved to be near by his whole demeanor has changed. I miss my boyfriend who I loved very much, and don't like (the same guy) my fiancee at all.

Any thoughtful advice would be appreciated. :)

TY!
 
How beautiful a relationship it is, when two people share the same mind. When two souls come together who both share the same desires. A couple who:

1) both Love the Lord their God with all of their heart, soul, strength and mind

2) and love their neighbors as themselves.

3) and they treat others as they also would like to be treated.

Such a relationship would be pure bliss, because those two people would be completely selfless toward each other. And what is marriage designed to be, except two people who focus on the other person's need more than their own?


Matthew 22:37-39 "Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself."

Luke 6:31 "And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise."
 
I believe you have valid reasons to be concerned. He seems, from what you have written, to be someone who is overly controlling and/or insecure in some way. I think it's always a warning sign when someone tries to isolate you or make you feel like you are completely dependant on them, or that you should be completely dependant on them. Also, as you said, taking it out on the dog is childish.

He may just be dealing with stress or some other issues, I don't know. Obviously I don't know him, and I don't know the situation. However, based on what you have shared, I would say, please be very careful. Maybe it would be best to take a step back and see if things improve. I would say it would not be a good idea to get married when there are such concerns though. Getting married is not going to fix those things.

The hard part is of course missing the way things were and seemed to be, because they are so different now. You just can't let the fact that you miss those things cloud your judgement and cause you to fail to pay attention to things that should concern you. Don't rush anything, and take some time to address what is going on. Whether you can talk things out with him in depth or you can seek help from others, do what you need to do.

You are worth being loved and appreciated. No one should try to control or isolate someone else, that is not real love. Be patient and see if things can get better. If he can't treat you better though, you need to be honest with yourself about how he is acting.

There are many people here who have good advice and encouragement to offer as well. :)
 
Dogs generally know people better than humans do. It is one of the gifts God gave them to aid in their survival. My advice would be "dump the fiance and keep the dog". At least you will have someone who truly loves you unconditionally.

God bless you.
 
another part is respect and honor. you know love is honor and respect and if he loved you he would respect and honor your wishes to leave the dog alone. on a personal note anyone that cant be kind to an animal is not a person to be with
 
Unfortunately controlling men often become abusive. It sound to me as though he's already showing signs of minor verbal/mental abuse towards you. Aggression towards animals is another bad sign. While yes, technically, with God, anyone can change.. the statistics i've read recently about controlling abusive men is they rarely change for the good once they start. Its almost certain that even with speaking to him his behavior will only worsen over time. To me, i see beginning signs of control and abuse.. my personal advice... run... run far, run fast and get away once and for all. I say that to anyone in an abusive relationship. while i'm not an abuser or been abused.. and i'm not a trained counselor, i have done some research on the subject, and i have helped counsel some close friends on the subject, so i have a fair idea on what to look for, what the red flags are, and your fiance has them.
 
If you are not in love with this person, then don't marry him. Once you are married and have any children it's much, much harder on everyone involved to leave. That or think about having some pre-marriage counseling together to see if you are good for eachother or not.
 
dmdave17 said:
Dogs generally know people better than humans do. It is one of the gifts God gave them to aid in their survival. My advice would be "dump the fiance and keep the dog". At least you will have someone who truly loves you unconditionally.

God bless you.
Click to expand...

This. Especially if the dog normally likes people. Dogs have acute senses, that is their gift, and if the dog is sensing something "off", maybe that is your warning.

A friend of mine had a dog that was terrified of humans due to years of abuse, but got along with us "nice humans", and otherwise would hide if he was afraid of the human. Till one day we had a party at her place and this scared to death dog came out of hiding, snuck up behind this acquaintance, and bit his behind (no skin was broken). We all thought that was weird ... turns out later we find out that acquaintance truely was a bad man.

First signs of an abuser is he/she tries to isolate you from family and friends, therefore placing you in total control of him/her.

Is there a trusted person you can talk to? Like a pastor or a parent or aunt/uncle? Talk about the situation and get that trusted person's viewpoint on the situation?
 
mightyyui said:
Hi, I'm new here. Truthfully, I'm not much of a christian. I feel like my relationship with God is pretty personal and don't normally want a group or institution to assist... however, I believe that most Christians are good people and those who choose to study and practice their faith, on the whole, are... well, a better source of advice than many.

I'm having trouble getting long with my fiancee.. a lot of trouble. So much trouble that my dog may attack the man. And the thing is.. I'm really not sure it's me. I've thought about it long and hard and it seems like he treats me badly around anything that involves me not being dependent on him.. And the worse he behaves the more I dislike being around him and the more the dog becomes frightened and upset by him. I also have asked him many times to leave the dog alone but he just says "I'm not doing anything" (much like a child) and then continues to quietly push the dog around. I think maybe he's jealous and trying to be "dominant"? But how hard is it to simply not follow the dog around and force interactions when I see the dog get up and leave the room to get away from him over and over?

I'm not sure what to do. I need to communicate with him that he needs to calm down and back off, and not be so aggressive with either of us. We were in a LDR for a long time, and now that I have moved to be near by his whole demeanor has changed. I miss my boyfriend who I loved very much, and don't like (the same guy) my fiancee at all.

Any thoughtful advice would be appreciated. :)

TY!
Click to expand...
Do not marry him.
 
Everyone is right, things will only get worse once your married. If you are in love with Him and want to marry, don't do it until you go to a pre-marriage counselor. And I will pray that God will give you a clear perspective, and lead and direct your heart and mind with His perfect wisdom.
1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.
In His Service, Shekaniah
 
A couple of things you can consider working on now:

1. Your walk with God - Re-evaluate your faith in God and see whether you want to go deeper and be more committed to Him. A simple but profound question you may like to ask is this: Is Jesus Christ the Lord and Savior of your Life? Have you ask Him to come into your life so that the Holy Spirit may live in you?

2. Your marriage values - This is extremely vital for happiness in marriage. Before you even talk to him about this, search what is yours first. My encouragement is that these values should be grounded on God's word. Take time to study them and let them internalize inside your heart. Then, talk to him. If both of you can't find an viable agreement in this, don't pursue further in this relationship until you can resolve this.

When I got married almost 20 years ago, one of the key values (probably THE KEY) which my wife and I submit to is that whatever we do or think or say, Jesus Christ is and will always be the Lord of our lives and the Lord of our marriage. It may sound a little religious to some, but it works for us till today.:)
 
Thank all of you.. I have decided to take a wait and see stance for now. There is no rush. Either to marry him or to let him pass. He is beginning to get along better with the dog. This may have to do with the fact that the dog did eventually bite him (not badly, no skin broken) but it definitely got his attention. Particularly when my reaction was not to remove the dog from the equation as I now believe he was expecting. I've seen men be jealous of pets in the past with my girlfriends and react more or less irrationally to the perceived threat to their affections.. although, it was many years ago, when we were all younger and less mature. I think I may also be partially at fault in that situation. Because I did joke with him in the past that I considered my older dog (she passed recently) a better judge of character than I was and had she "no'd" him, he would have had to go... So.. that was a little insensitive on my part. And, while not justification, I view it as a mitigating factor.

You may all rest assured, I'm not really quite so foolish as to rush headlong into a marriage with a man who behaves as he does now. But I choose to give him time to come back to himself, or prove to me that the man I fell in love with never existed. If no one minds, I'll come back and up date you guys here and there..
:)
 
Oh yes please do! You are welcome here anytime. Keep us posted, and you my dear ask God for wisdom!
 
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