Good Day
Christian Chat users,
below is a testimony i gave on my facebook account a few days ago for my friends and family to see, i joined this community ever so recently out of a yearning within me, for the first time, to join a Christian chat community. I have really enjoyed the support and the friendliness of this awesome community already and feel an urge to share my testimony with all willing to read it. May God bless you all.
"hey guys,
my name is, fernando de sousa and this is my testimony;
if you want to know God, and believe what i believe or want answers to questions you may have please read my testimony, it is long but it is truth and God is not dead, i beg you to read my testimony below with patience and an open mind to see what happened to me and i pray this reaches anyone and everyone it can please feel free to share it as well and please be aware that some of the speech is adaptations from what i remember.
about 2 months ago i spent an evening with some friends and i chose to smoke marijuana from a bong , after a few minutes i began tripping badly and i started screaming to a friend nearby over and over again, that they need to take me to the hospital because i am going to die, i turned on the kitchen tap whilst doing so and put my head under the running water it made no difference, i didn't feel anything other than an insurmountable amount of fear and anguish. i than looked up and 2 of my friend's started systematically talking to me and performing tasks as if it were a complete and perfect choreographed skit as follows; the one would look at me, ask a question, i would answer the second would ask for a light for his smoke, the first would instantly be holding a lighter's flame at the cigarette , than one would ask for water and the other would already have it ready in hand for him, this went on for some time before they asked me to come to the bedroom to lay down and rest and that i would feel much better after i lay down. their tone changed slightly and i started wondering as to why they weren't worried at all that i had been screaming for the hospital and couldn't move or think properly.i agreed with them and they started leading me to the room than they lifted the blanket and i laid underneath it. they than started to talk to me again' one was asking a line of questions like, "are you ok?", "can i switch the light off?" "can i get you some water?" and the other begun saying in a rhyming tone as if he were rhyme talking to me, telling me to; "relax, take it easy, calm down, you're ok, you're alright, just chill fernando, nothing's wrong, just close your eyes fernando, stop worrying, take a deep breath , you're cool, you're chilled, just close your eyes". i started calming down slightly but in the back of my mind i wondered as to why? why weren't my friend's worried at all , showing no worry or panic toward the state i was in, at this point everything seemed so surreal and my vision was really blurry and i was fighting not to close my eyes as i felt something was awfully wrong the reason for this was their strange behavior and peculiar choice of words and lack of concern for everything except for me to close my eyes. eventually i grew so weary that my eyes started dosing off and the last thing i remember was the one friend saying at last, " ok can i switch the light off" and i said; "ok" and so he did. my eyes shut shortly after.
instantly! the light was on again my eyes were open, my vision still a little blurry and the friend who was asking the questions previously was in the same spot his body in the same position. he asked all the same questions again that he had asked the first time, i found this extremely strange but answered the same way before, he would ask; "are you ok?" i would answer, "i don't think so, i think i need to go to the hospital." than he would say' "just catch some sleep dude, you'll be fine, would you like a glass of water?" i would say' "yes please" as i felt really thirsty. than he would reply ok, i'll get you some now, can i switch the light off?" and i answered; "ok". he flicked the switch and the light went off and i just started closing my eyes when the light was on again, i looked up and there he was, the same friend in the same position yet again with his body in the same stance and he asked the exact same question; "are you ok?". at this stage i started feeling extremely worried and started feeling more and more anxious, i knew something was wrong, i than replied with a raised voice, "dude, you asked me that already, something's really wrong dude , please take me to the hospital now!", than he would say again,"just catch some sleep dude, you'll be fine, would you like a glass of water?" i responded this time by saying, " no i don't want water, something's wrong dude" than what he said changed a little but ended the same, he laughed it off and said,"what do you mean? i'll get you some water and you'll feel better, can i switch the light off?" i didn't respond and put my head down hoping this was just a nightmare i would wake up from soon. i tried closing my eyes and the light went off but just before they closed the light came back on again and this process repeated several times over and over again like a loop.
eventually i got so fearful and angry and thought to myself, "if this is my dream i can do what i want to and go where i want to so at this stage as the light went off instead of me closing my eyes i jumped off the bed and with all my might threw myself at the window which could easily fit me through, it was 1.5 meters tall and 1.5 meters wide . i weigh close to 120 kilograms but as i hit the window it shattered but my whole body got thrown back.
the light came on and the scene had changed, my 2 friend's came running in , the 1 asked , fernando! , what happened? are you ok?" i looked up and responded, "no please, i beg you , take me to the hospital, something is seriously wrong please", than the other friend would call out to me, "fernando?" and i would look at him and he would look away whilst screaming , "FERNANDOOOO!" , than i would look down again, at this stage i was on my knees and elbows on the shattered glass. I than heard the friend who screamed my name say to the others in the room,"i'm scared bra, i'm scared, what happened?" and the one friend would respond, "i don't know, it looks like he punched the window, we need to get him on the bed". than the light went off again and for some reason i tried to jump through the window again which was whole and unbroken and i shattered it again and i could feel that i wasn't really in control of my body now and smashed into it and rebound back onto the floor on my knees and elbows into the freshly shattered window's glass and the light came on yet again, and my friend's came bursting into the room again and asked once again; "fernando!, what happened? are you ok?" i looked up again with tears now rolling down my eyes, knowing something is horribly wrong and responded," i don't know whats wrong guys?, please help me i need help i need a doctor i am not ok", than the other friend would call out to me again, fernando?" and i looked at him again pleading for help and he would scream again, FERNANDOOOO!" and i would look down again and hear the exact same words as he had said before. the friend who screamed my name said to the others in the room again,"i'm scared bra, i'm scared, what happened?" and the one friend had the same response again, "i don't know, it looks like he punched the window, we need to get him on the bed". than the light went off.
Now knowing i was no longer in control but it still felt that i was moving by my own will, my body lunged itself at the window which was again whole and again i smashed into it and rebound to my knees and elbows on the glass and my friends burst in and their sentences never changed, this event repeated itself many times, over and over, and over and i kept raising my voice whilst trying to get the whole direction of speech and conversation to change but i couldn't than finally with mucous running from my nose and tears streaming from my face it dawned on me.
this is hell. we wicked were promised eternal torment and this must be mine. absolute dread begun filling my body i was completely overwhelmed by; grief, fear, confusion, pain, suffering , torment and the list can go on and on. like an epiphany i realized this was it i didn't even try to dispute it or make up another thing this could be other than hell. i knew this was hell but i also knew something else, i wanted to get out!. i wanted to get out with every shred of my being. so the scene of me trying to jump out of the window and my friends bursting in continued to repeat over and over again whilst this was happening, the thought was going through my mind about "why was i here? and wasn't i a good person?, i tried my best to do good and uphold myself in ways i believed to be a good christian, i prayed religiously every day, i asked for forgiveness countless times. i don't want to be here, i must get out, i must get out, i must get out," than suddenly i felt myself trying to get up off of my knees and elbows with all my might i pushed and pushed and a force slammed me down onto my belly. now i was flat on my belly and face my arms and legs outstretched. i believed i was strong enough on my own to break out of this so i started pushing again and begun pushing and pushing with everything i had than i started feeling myself pushing through the floor , i started pushing right through the glass and floor underneath me, my skin started to tear off but i kept pushing i pushed more but the further i pushed the more it would hurt as it felt like glass was shredding me as i pushed through a place i cannot explain as all i could see were colors and all i could think to myself was; "pain, push,pain,push, just push a little farther and you can get out, pain, push, pain, push, pain, pain PAIN, PAIN, PAAIIN, PAAAAAIIIINNN!" and i would stop pushing as the pain become unbearable and than i was on the floor again no longer on my hands and knees but flat on the floor, face down and arms and legs outstretched ,i tried this pushing a couple of times but failed each time and each time the light went off and my body lunged itself into the window smashing and rebounding again to the floor than the light came on and my friends came in again. the whole loop repeating itself again and again. at this point the last bit of my hope started to diminish. i remember there was this brief period of time, a single second, from the time i hit the window and landed on my belly to the time the light came back on where i felt a little at ease where i gave a brief sigh of relief and caught my breath a midst the torment and i thought to myself, "as long as i have this moment to focus on i will be ok, i will try and dull myself to everything else and this second of relief will be my saving grace." than i heard a voice which sounded like my consciences's voice start laughing at me and say , relief? there is no place here for that" than the cycle started again ,only it seemed more intensified, impossible to dull, my body jumped toward the window, i hit the glass, and rebound waiting expectantly for that second of relief and as i landed i found myself frantically gasping for air as if i had been suffocating rather than sighing a sigh of relief. my single second of relief had been torn away.
my hope seemed to be all but lost so i tried focusing on something good as to try and dull everything else, i tried to think of just 1 good thing , but i couldn't keep a single though in my mind for very long as countless thoughts were being stuffed into my mind every single second and my conscience's voice started ridiculing me , i than decided to try and continually say something and focus on the words that i am saying rather than the torment , so i started saying basic words like, chair, table, red, cat, mat, tree etc, this only lasted a brief moment until i couldn't think of anything to say anymore in desperation i started shouting the alphabet," A, B, C, D, E ,F",at g i started forgetting the alphabet in english and started saying what i thought to be the alphabet in another language, a thought came to me(I want to say voice but at this point it felt like my own conscience voice talking to me again as previously), "you will forget everything but you will know everything first, you will forget the people in this room with you, you will forget colors, you will forget speech, you will forget everything except the feeling of torment and suffering, but first you will learn everything through torment. you have eternity so to you the knowledge of everything will be slowly given and slowly the knowledge of anything will be taken away, even a rabid animal without knowledge knows torment and suffering so this will be left to you; torment and suffering". i knew with out a doubt at this point that this was what was going to happen.
whilst these thoughts were coming to me, the loop cycle of me trying to jump through the window, rebounding , falling flat face down, the light coming on and my friends bursting in and us conversing continues to loop endlessly becoming more and more intense with each reset.
after realizing that all hope seemed lost and my own strength and will is nothing here, i started screaming for forgiveness, asking God to please forgive me, saying," i am a good person, please forgive me in Jesus's heavenly name!", i pray to Him all the time, i pray for my friends and family too, please! this time a voice came that was not my own conscience's voice and said, "were you praying for ME or were you praying for yourself?" i just started sniveling and crying profusely again, not really taking to heart or understanding what the voice meant. i ,still filled with panic and terror, just started saying again in a raised voice, "i understand Lord please just forgive me , i won't be bad, i'll be good", all i wanted was to end the torment so i was saying anything that came to mind. that voice asked, "are you praying for you or ME", i couldn't understand, and just kept blurting out for forgiveness and trying to repent without heart and meaning, at this point i kept thinking to myself; but i do believe and i am sorry, but deep down i didn't care for anything but getting out, faithless. i didn't know what else to do, at this point the looping was still going on and the pain and torment intensifying.
i than started seeing past events, of my life, ways i had reacted to certain situations, choices i had made, even from when i was a baby, a memory even of me in my mother's womb. what i remember most predominantly was when i was in primary school, i started feeling sorry for myself and the seeds of self pity were sewn, this was the feeling most vibrant and strong in me before this whole incident happened. it showed what i believed people thought of me, which was; useless, a burden, unwelcome, unloved, etc. and it contrasted and compared it to what people really thought of me, i was astonished that so many people thought so highly of me, i also saw how i put trust in the wrong people and saw in whom the trustworthy ones are. i was also shown that i was so self righteous believing i was right and almost everyone else wrong. this is where these verses come in;
( Isaiah 29:13New King James Version (NKJV)
13 Therefore the Lord said:
“Inasmuch as these people draw near with their mouths
And honor Me with their lips,
But have removed their hearts far from Me,
And their fear toward Me is taught by the commandment of men,")
and ( Matthew 15:8
8" ‘This people honors me with their lips,
but their heart is far from me;" ).
i was also shown how i believed everyone around me was so judgmental and wicked and i was an island on my own of righteousness this tied in with my self righteousness yet i was the one being judgmental;
( Luke 18:9-14English Standard Version (ESV)
"The Pharisee and the Tax Collector
9 He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt:
10 “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.
11 The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed[a] thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector.
12 I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’
13 But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’
14 I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.” )
these memories and past experiences were flowing through my mind in what seemed to be all at the same time, as if every second of every day of every week of every month of every year was being shown to me multiple times within 1 second each and every second. as i was being shown some of my sins and wrong choices i begun to realize why i was here in hell, and i cried out again for the lord to please save me but still i could not feel emotion or truth in my very own cries. my intent was not to accept God but just to escape that place, God knows our hearts, we can hide absolutely nothing from him and fake lip service toward God is far from good in other words God does not care how many times we ask for forgiveness and pray, if we don't mean it he will not heed anything we say.
Christian Chat users,
below is a testimony i gave on my facebook account a few days ago for my friends and family to see, i joined this community ever so recently out of a yearning within me, for the first time, to join a Christian chat community. I have really enjoyed the support and the friendliness of this awesome community already and feel an urge to share my testimony with all willing to read it. May God bless you all.
"hey guys,
my name is, fernando de sousa and this is my testimony;
if you want to know God, and believe what i believe or want answers to questions you may have please read my testimony, it is long but it is truth and God is not dead, i beg you to read my testimony below with patience and an open mind to see what happened to me and i pray this reaches anyone and everyone it can please feel free to share it as well and please be aware that some of the speech is adaptations from what i remember.
about 2 months ago i spent an evening with some friends and i chose to smoke marijuana from a bong , after a few minutes i began tripping badly and i started screaming to a friend nearby over and over again, that they need to take me to the hospital because i am going to die, i turned on the kitchen tap whilst doing so and put my head under the running water it made no difference, i didn't feel anything other than an insurmountable amount of fear and anguish. i than looked up and 2 of my friend's started systematically talking to me and performing tasks as if it were a complete and perfect choreographed skit as follows; the one would look at me, ask a question, i would answer the second would ask for a light for his smoke, the first would instantly be holding a lighter's flame at the cigarette , than one would ask for water and the other would already have it ready in hand for him, this went on for some time before they asked me to come to the bedroom to lay down and rest and that i would feel much better after i lay down. their tone changed slightly and i started wondering as to why they weren't worried at all that i had been screaming for the hospital and couldn't move or think properly.i agreed with them and they started leading me to the room than they lifted the blanket and i laid underneath it. they than started to talk to me again' one was asking a line of questions like, "are you ok?", "can i switch the light off?" "can i get you some water?" and the other begun saying in a rhyming tone as if he were rhyme talking to me, telling me to; "relax, take it easy, calm down, you're ok, you're alright, just chill fernando, nothing's wrong, just close your eyes fernando, stop worrying, take a deep breath , you're cool, you're chilled, just close your eyes". i started calming down slightly but in the back of my mind i wondered as to why? why weren't my friend's worried at all , showing no worry or panic toward the state i was in, at this point everything seemed so surreal and my vision was really blurry and i was fighting not to close my eyes as i felt something was awfully wrong the reason for this was their strange behavior and peculiar choice of words and lack of concern for everything except for me to close my eyes. eventually i grew so weary that my eyes started dosing off and the last thing i remember was the one friend saying at last, " ok can i switch the light off" and i said; "ok" and so he did. my eyes shut shortly after.
instantly! the light was on again my eyes were open, my vision still a little blurry and the friend who was asking the questions previously was in the same spot his body in the same position. he asked all the same questions again that he had asked the first time, i found this extremely strange but answered the same way before, he would ask; "are you ok?" i would answer, "i don't think so, i think i need to go to the hospital." than he would say' "just catch some sleep dude, you'll be fine, would you like a glass of water?" i would say' "yes please" as i felt really thirsty. than he would reply ok, i'll get you some now, can i switch the light off?" and i answered; "ok". he flicked the switch and the light went off and i just started closing my eyes when the light was on again, i looked up and there he was, the same friend in the same position yet again with his body in the same stance and he asked the exact same question; "are you ok?". at this stage i started feeling extremely worried and started feeling more and more anxious, i knew something was wrong, i than replied with a raised voice, "dude, you asked me that already, something's really wrong dude , please take me to the hospital now!", than he would say again,"just catch some sleep dude, you'll be fine, would you like a glass of water?" i responded this time by saying, " no i don't want water, something's wrong dude" than what he said changed a little but ended the same, he laughed it off and said,"what do you mean? i'll get you some water and you'll feel better, can i switch the light off?" i didn't respond and put my head down hoping this was just a nightmare i would wake up from soon. i tried closing my eyes and the light went off but just before they closed the light came back on again and this process repeated several times over and over again like a loop.
eventually i got so fearful and angry and thought to myself, "if this is my dream i can do what i want to and go where i want to so at this stage as the light went off instead of me closing my eyes i jumped off the bed and with all my might threw myself at the window which could easily fit me through, it was 1.5 meters tall and 1.5 meters wide . i weigh close to 120 kilograms but as i hit the window it shattered but my whole body got thrown back.
the light came on and the scene had changed, my 2 friend's came running in , the 1 asked , fernando! , what happened? are you ok?" i looked up and responded, "no please, i beg you , take me to the hospital, something is seriously wrong please", than the other friend would call out to me, "fernando?" and i would look at him and he would look away whilst screaming , "FERNANDOOOO!" , than i would look down again, at this stage i was on my knees and elbows on the shattered glass. I than heard the friend who screamed my name say to the others in the room,"i'm scared bra, i'm scared, what happened?" and the one friend would respond, "i don't know, it looks like he punched the window, we need to get him on the bed". than the light went off again and for some reason i tried to jump through the window again which was whole and unbroken and i shattered it again and i could feel that i wasn't really in control of my body now and smashed into it and rebound back onto the floor on my knees and elbows into the freshly shattered window's glass and the light came on yet again, and my friend's came bursting into the room again and asked once again; "fernando!, what happened? are you ok?" i looked up again with tears now rolling down my eyes, knowing something is horribly wrong and responded," i don't know whats wrong guys?, please help me i need help i need a doctor i am not ok", than the other friend would call out to me again, fernando?" and i looked at him again pleading for help and he would scream again, FERNANDOOOO!" and i would look down again and hear the exact same words as he had said before. the friend who screamed my name said to the others in the room again,"i'm scared bra, i'm scared, what happened?" and the one friend had the same response again, "i don't know, it looks like he punched the window, we need to get him on the bed". than the light went off.
Now knowing i was no longer in control but it still felt that i was moving by my own will, my body lunged itself at the window which was again whole and again i smashed into it and rebound to my knees and elbows on the glass and my friends burst in and their sentences never changed, this event repeated itself many times, over and over, and over and i kept raising my voice whilst trying to get the whole direction of speech and conversation to change but i couldn't than finally with mucous running from my nose and tears streaming from my face it dawned on me.
this is hell. we wicked were promised eternal torment and this must be mine. absolute dread begun filling my body i was completely overwhelmed by; grief, fear, confusion, pain, suffering , torment and the list can go on and on. like an epiphany i realized this was it i didn't even try to dispute it or make up another thing this could be other than hell. i knew this was hell but i also knew something else, i wanted to get out!. i wanted to get out with every shred of my being. so the scene of me trying to jump out of the window and my friends bursting in continued to repeat over and over again whilst this was happening, the thought was going through my mind about "why was i here? and wasn't i a good person?, i tried my best to do good and uphold myself in ways i believed to be a good christian, i prayed religiously every day, i asked for forgiveness countless times. i don't want to be here, i must get out, i must get out, i must get out," than suddenly i felt myself trying to get up off of my knees and elbows with all my might i pushed and pushed and a force slammed me down onto my belly. now i was flat on my belly and face my arms and legs outstretched. i believed i was strong enough on my own to break out of this so i started pushing again and begun pushing and pushing with everything i had than i started feeling myself pushing through the floor , i started pushing right through the glass and floor underneath me, my skin started to tear off but i kept pushing i pushed more but the further i pushed the more it would hurt as it felt like glass was shredding me as i pushed through a place i cannot explain as all i could see were colors and all i could think to myself was; "pain, push,pain,push, just push a little farther and you can get out, pain, push, pain, push, pain, pain PAIN, PAIN, PAAIIN, PAAAAAIIIINNN!" and i would stop pushing as the pain become unbearable and than i was on the floor again no longer on my hands and knees but flat on the floor, face down and arms and legs outstretched ,i tried this pushing a couple of times but failed each time and each time the light went off and my body lunged itself into the window smashing and rebounding again to the floor than the light came on and my friends came in again. the whole loop repeating itself again and again. at this point the last bit of my hope started to diminish. i remember there was this brief period of time, a single second, from the time i hit the window and landed on my belly to the time the light came back on where i felt a little at ease where i gave a brief sigh of relief and caught my breath a midst the torment and i thought to myself, "as long as i have this moment to focus on i will be ok, i will try and dull myself to everything else and this second of relief will be my saving grace." than i heard a voice which sounded like my consciences's voice start laughing at me and say , relief? there is no place here for that" than the cycle started again ,only it seemed more intensified, impossible to dull, my body jumped toward the window, i hit the glass, and rebound waiting expectantly for that second of relief and as i landed i found myself frantically gasping for air as if i had been suffocating rather than sighing a sigh of relief. my single second of relief had been torn away.
my hope seemed to be all but lost so i tried focusing on something good as to try and dull everything else, i tried to think of just 1 good thing , but i couldn't keep a single though in my mind for very long as countless thoughts were being stuffed into my mind every single second and my conscience's voice started ridiculing me , i than decided to try and continually say something and focus on the words that i am saying rather than the torment , so i started saying basic words like, chair, table, red, cat, mat, tree etc, this only lasted a brief moment until i couldn't think of anything to say anymore in desperation i started shouting the alphabet," A, B, C, D, E ,F",at g i started forgetting the alphabet in english and started saying what i thought to be the alphabet in another language, a thought came to me(I want to say voice but at this point it felt like my own conscience voice talking to me again as previously), "you will forget everything but you will know everything first, you will forget the people in this room with you, you will forget colors, you will forget speech, you will forget everything except the feeling of torment and suffering, but first you will learn everything through torment. you have eternity so to you the knowledge of everything will be slowly given and slowly the knowledge of anything will be taken away, even a rabid animal without knowledge knows torment and suffering so this will be left to you; torment and suffering". i knew with out a doubt at this point that this was what was going to happen.
whilst these thoughts were coming to me, the loop cycle of me trying to jump through the window, rebounding , falling flat face down, the light coming on and my friends bursting in and us conversing continues to loop endlessly becoming more and more intense with each reset.
after realizing that all hope seemed lost and my own strength and will is nothing here, i started screaming for forgiveness, asking God to please forgive me, saying," i am a good person, please forgive me in Jesus's heavenly name!", i pray to Him all the time, i pray for my friends and family too, please! this time a voice came that was not my own conscience's voice and said, "were you praying for ME or were you praying for yourself?" i just started sniveling and crying profusely again, not really taking to heart or understanding what the voice meant. i ,still filled with panic and terror, just started saying again in a raised voice, "i understand Lord please just forgive me , i won't be bad, i'll be good", all i wanted was to end the torment so i was saying anything that came to mind. that voice asked, "are you praying for you or ME", i couldn't understand, and just kept blurting out for forgiveness and trying to repent without heart and meaning, at this point i kept thinking to myself; but i do believe and i am sorry, but deep down i didn't care for anything but getting out, faithless. i didn't know what else to do, at this point the looping was still going on and the pain and torment intensifying.
i than started seeing past events, of my life, ways i had reacted to certain situations, choices i had made, even from when i was a baby, a memory even of me in my mother's womb. what i remember most predominantly was when i was in primary school, i started feeling sorry for myself and the seeds of self pity were sewn, this was the feeling most vibrant and strong in me before this whole incident happened. it showed what i believed people thought of me, which was; useless, a burden, unwelcome, unloved, etc. and it contrasted and compared it to what people really thought of me, i was astonished that so many people thought so highly of me, i also saw how i put trust in the wrong people and saw in whom the trustworthy ones are. i was also shown that i was so self righteous believing i was right and almost everyone else wrong. this is where these verses come in;
( Isaiah 29:13New King James Version (NKJV)
13 Therefore the Lord said:
“Inasmuch as these people draw near with their mouths
And honor Me with their lips,
But have removed their hearts far from Me,
And their fear toward Me is taught by the commandment of men,")
and ( Matthew 15:8
8" ‘This people honors me with their lips,
but their heart is far from me;" ).
i was also shown how i believed everyone around me was so judgmental and wicked and i was an island on my own of righteousness this tied in with my self righteousness yet i was the one being judgmental;
( Luke 18:9-14English Standard Version (ESV)
"The Pharisee and the Tax Collector
9 He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt:
10 “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.
11 The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed[a] thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector.
12 I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’
13 But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’
14 I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.” )
these memories and past experiences were flowing through my mind in what seemed to be all at the same time, as if every second of every day of every week of every month of every year was being shown to me multiple times within 1 second each and every second. as i was being shown some of my sins and wrong choices i begun to realize why i was here in hell, and i cried out again for the lord to please save me but still i could not feel emotion or truth in my very own cries. my intent was not to accept God but just to escape that place, God knows our hearts, we can hide absolutely nothing from him and fake lip service toward God is far from good in other words God does not care how many times we ask for forgiveness and pray, if we don't mean it he will not heed anything we say.