J
As with many others, I've spent my entire life pretending that nothing could hurt me. Depsite living through tremendous abuse: incest beginning in infancy, verbal and emotional abuse, physical abuse, and neglect. This, at the hands of both parents. The older I get the more I understand about how I did all that I could to survive and that includes complete disassociation.
Now I'm 27 years old and getting divorced from a hostile, verbally, emotionally, and physcially abusive narcissitic husband who has completely turned his back on God and has been in a psych hospital for almost 4 months. And I know now that I have to feel the pain in order to recover from it, ot else it will kill me. Years ago there was a one-legged man on the news. Remembering that story is the only way I can explain what I'm going through. That man was pinned under a tree. His leg was caught and he wasn't able to move. If he had stayed there avoiding the pain, he would have died. But, instead, he sawed off his own leg. He faced his pain instead of ignoring it and allowing it to kill him. He endured "momentary" pain in order to live.
I want to do that, but it's the most difficult task in the world to knowingly, with complete understanding, torture yourself. It's human nature to soothe pain. It's not natural to walk right in to a fire knowing you'll be in there a long time. You're skin will melt and you're vocal chords will turn to ashes. But it's what is necessary. God help me, but I just want to scream. I've been sawing away at my leg for about a year now, and I have no idea how deep I've cut. But it feels like it's bleeding more than ever.
And worse yet, I feel like I have to face the pain alone. I have no family I can depend on and my husband wants nothing to do with me. I live by myself in an apt I can barely afford. I've supported myself since I was 15 years old.
I have a big support system, but I don't know what I need. And if I don't know what I need, how can I ask for it. It's also the holiday season so everyone is busy with their family. The only family I've had for 9 years is in chaos and I feel like I need to try to separate myself from them a bit so that the transition for when my husband is out of the hospital isn't so awkward.
JESUS!!!!!
Now I'm 27 years old and getting divorced from a hostile, verbally, emotionally, and physcially abusive narcissitic husband who has completely turned his back on God and has been in a psych hospital for almost 4 months. And I know now that I have to feel the pain in order to recover from it, ot else it will kill me. Years ago there was a one-legged man on the news. Remembering that story is the only way I can explain what I'm going through. That man was pinned under a tree. His leg was caught and he wasn't able to move. If he had stayed there avoiding the pain, he would have died. But, instead, he sawed off his own leg. He faced his pain instead of ignoring it and allowing it to kill him. He endured "momentary" pain in order to live.
I want to do that, but it's the most difficult task in the world to knowingly, with complete understanding, torture yourself. It's human nature to soothe pain. It's not natural to walk right in to a fire knowing you'll be in there a long time. You're skin will melt and you're vocal chords will turn to ashes. But it's what is necessary. God help me, but I just want to scream. I've been sawing away at my leg for about a year now, and I have no idea how deep I've cut. But it feels like it's bleeding more than ever.
And worse yet, I feel like I have to face the pain alone. I have no family I can depend on and my husband wants nothing to do with me. I live by myself in an apt I can barely afford. I've supported myself since I was 15 years old.
I have a big support system, but I don't know what I need. And if I don't know what I need, how can I ask for it. It's also the holiday season so everyone is busy with their family. The only family I've had for 9 years is in chaos and I feel like I need to try to separate myself from them a bit so that the transition for when my husband is out of the hospital isn't so awkward.
JESUS!!!!!