Hi ime new family here

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Newone40

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Hi we are a new family to the forums ....ime Leslie husband peter Sally 10 paul 9. I was looking for a parental forum but couldn't find one . Hope ime ok posting in this forum.......we are having discipline issues and wondered how they may help to be solved in a Christian manner though not easy as my husband has to work away most of the time .....ime hoping it's a faze they are going through and especially with our son he's really testing boundaries at this time ....I wondered if any other parents in here have similar or have had similar discipline problems and how they cope and move on ........thanks ...leslie
 
Hi, Newone, Welcome!

I think this is a great forum. If you give details, you'll probably get lots of different advice!
 
Newone40 said:
Hi we are a new family to the forums ....ime Leslie husband peter Sally 10 paul 9. I was looking for a parental forum but couldn't find one . Hope ime ok posting in this forum.......we are having discipline issues and wondered how they may help to be solved in a Christian manner though not easy as my husband has to work away most of the time .....ime hoping it's a faze they are going through and especially with our son he's really testing boundaries at this time ....I wondered if any other parents in here have similar or have had similar discipline problems and how they cope and move on ........thanks ...leslie
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When I was a kid and misbehaved, I got a spanking:

He who spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. Prov 13:24 RSV

 
Newone40 said:
Hi we are a new family to the forums ....ime Leslie husband peter Sally 10 paul 9. I was looking for a parental forum but couldn't find one . Hope ime ok posting in this forum.......we are having discipline issues and wondered how they may help to be solved in a Christian manner though not easy as my husband has to work away most of the time .....ime hoping it's a faze they are going through and especially with our son he's really testing boundaries at this time ....I wondered if any other parents in here have similar or have had similar discipline problems and how they cope and move on ........thanks ...leslie
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As a mother of sons I can't stress enough that a mother must instill respect from her sons as early as possible.


Discipline does not get easier as children age it gets harder. Build a good foundation now,save yourselves a lot of trouble later.

Without knowing your kids or their specific issues it's difficult to give advice. Perhaps you'd like to give some examples.

God bless you and yours.
 
It's a really difficult question to answer with so little information to go on. Is this new behavior that started recently? Or bad behavior escalating?

This myth that fathers are the disciplinarian causes a lot of problems with kids. Fathers may have a more natural instinct by typically being less easily swayed by emotions and stick to their guns more, but this is nothing women can't learn as well. I've known a woman that was a stay at home mother of four and homeschooled them all. She never raised her voice to them. She understood discipline was healthy, not mean, and too the steps to ensure discipline was followed. Many parents want quick solutions but raising kids isn't about quick and easy. It's about the long term.

If, on the other hand, you are also a solid disciplinarian and things seem more difficult that's just how things are. Single parents deal with that daily.

But, as I said, it's difficult to give any real answers without more information.
 
One thing of advice I have is do NOT just dismiss it as a stage and ignore it.
If you ignore it it won't be a stage
 
Newone40 said:
Hi we are a new family to the forums ....ime Leslie husband peter Sally 10 paul 9. I was looking for a parental forum but couldn't find one . Hope ime ok posting in this forum.......we are having discipline issues and wondered how they may help to be solved in a Christian manner though not easy as my husband has to work away most of the time .....ime hoping it's a faze they are going through and especially with our son he's really testing boundaries at this time ....I wondered if any other parents in here have similar or have had similar discipline problems and how they cope and move on ........thanks ...leslie
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The good news is it probably is just a stage they're going through.

The bad news is the next stage doesn't get any easier, (often gets worse), unless you nip it in the bud now.

I recommend finding parenting books from the 1950s and earlier. It wasn't that we didn't act out and have our fair share of problems, but, boy, oh boy, we really knew what punishments we were going to get (guaranteed), when we did, so it made us think over our decisions more.
 
Hi thanks to you all for your answers .......it's just that our daughter at this time is testing boundaries with back talking and not respecting others in our family and her brother seems to be copying her bad examples....we've tried grounding taking privileges but it's not working....... may I ask if anyone has ideas on discipline options as some say to try more meanable time outs but as she likes to be in her room not sure where should do her time outs to be effective.......our pastor did ask us to think about spanking with love it whould be new to her and us but wondered if it may help as her councillor says maybee an option to consider....thanks .......leslie
 
Newone40 said:
Hi thanks to you all for your answers .......it's just that our daughter at this time is testing boundaries with back talking and not respecting others in our family and her brother seems to be copying her bad examples....we've tried grounding taking privileges but it's not working....... may I ask if anyone has ideas on discipline options as some say to try more meanable time outs but as she likes to be in her room not sure where should do her time outs to be effective.......our pastor did ask us to think about spanking with love it whould be new to her and us but wondered if it may help as her councillor says maybee an option to consider....thanks .......leslie
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I'm a bit lost as to what you mean that they are testing boundaries. She's 10. Surely she knows the boundaries. What she is testing is your resolve for how important those rules are. The son sees his sister passing the boundaries and getting punishment that he is fine with accepting. Apparently, she is fine with accepting the punishment too.

Remember being a kid? What made you obey? Personally, I only obeyed when I didn't want the punishment. The punishment kept me in line if it truly inconvenienced me or caused me too much pain. I was fine with being sent to my room. Cool! I liked my room. I was fine sitting in a chair in the dining room. I could see TV from there, so it wasn't much different than choosing to watch TV while lying on the floor or sitting in a seat in the same room. I liked TV. I was fine being sent to my room if I didn't eat my dinner. I didn't want to eat my dinner, so why not? What I wasn't okay with was not being able to go to my friend's house after school. I wasn't okay with being denied TV. (No Internet back then. lol) And I really wasn't okay with not going to the movies with my family that day because I was "too sick to go to church." Sometimes I was okay with getting spanked too. A whole afternoon of going where I wasn't supposed to go was worth two minutes of being spanked.

Know what your kids don't think is okay, and keep enforcing those kinds of punishments at the boundary. At the boundary. Not when you get tired of hearing the backtalk.

The only reason kids keep testing boundaries is because they already discovered it's not really a boundary. We weren't supposed to whine. We did anyway, but limited it to how far we can go without pushing past the parent's limits of tolerance. No tolerance would have meant no whining at all... unless it was a punishment I was fine with. Kids aren't dumb. They get this as much as we get it.
 
Hi thanks again..we do feel that time outs may deter at this time but not sure how best they could be applied .....as our daughter sometimes acts up in front of visitors to our home do we still give the time outs in front of them or wait till they've gone home...as to spanking as a last resort ime sure it could be effective but whould have to explain to her why this action was needed and whould have to choose the best way it could be applied at her age .......thanks ....leslie
 
Spanking doesn't accomplish anything. Give them time-outs in front of company when they act up. Maybe if they get embarassed in front of others sometimes, they'll smarten up and stop acting like that. Worked with me.. lol
 
I was just thinking that if we do ty time outs whould you say its best they sit or stand whilst doing their time outs ......and at their ages how long for to be effective but not going overeboard
 
Newone40 said:
Hi thanks again..we do feel that time outs may deter at this time but not sure how best they could be applied .....as our daughter sometimes acts up in front of visitors to our home do we still give the time outs in front of them or wait till they've gone home...as to spanking as a last resort ime sure it could be effective but whould have to explain to her why this action was needed and whould have to choose the best way it could be applied at her age .......thanks ....leslie
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Is it okay if she acts up in front of visitors? If it's not, deal with it immediately. Otherwise, you're just teaching her that she can do whatever she wants as long as you're preoccupied. And, frankly, I'm sure she is as conniving as I was. She's hoping you'll forget about it until it's too late. Therefore, she gets her own way, and that really isn't a boundary.

As for explaining why the child is being punished? That goes with all punishment. Explain punishment before punishment.

Hubby and I never had kids, but he had a daughter to discipline in his first marriage. Whenever or wherever she acted up, he would take her aside, tell her what she did wrong, and then asked her if she remembered what the punishment for that behavior was. She'd first have to verbalize what she did wrong, and why it was wrong.

After a week or two, she didn't even need to verbalize what the punishment was. She just did it. She'd sit quietly in the back seat of the car until Mom brought out the groceries after daughter's meltdown in the grocery store.

And, he had a paddle made by a friend. (About the thickness of a pingpong paddle, minus the padding.) It had holes drilled through it, so it was loud, but it didn't hurt. The pain is mostly caused by the solidness of the object. Put holes in a paddle and it's less solid. (Also less stable, so if it hits too hard, it will break.) It also moves faster through the air, causing a louder sound when it lands. (And, since he was physically abused as a child, he tried it on himself, until he could use it in such a way that he could feel it -- like being hit at the same strength as clapping his hands -- so he knew it would hurt, but not damage.) When the punishment was that paddle, she'd go get the paddle. (He says that was the worst part for her. Anticipating. Also helped him too, because, she put on such a resolved face he'd feel sorry for her. lol) And the biggest, most important thing he did was never hit her when he was angry.

But that point is for all punishments. Most of the time, parents punish kids is because they've had it. They're angry. And they unload on the child. All that teaches a child is to lash out when angry. It is important to enforce boundaries so that point isn't reached. Boundaries are there to teach kids what is socially acceptable, (how to act in society) and to avoid being hurt. (Like don't stick your hand on a fire or don't jump off the second floor roof.)

It seems today, most people think boundaries are all about what makes them comfortable. It's not that. I'm sure Mom would have been more comfortable without snakes and caimans in the house, but she settled for teaching my brother to take care of his pets properly. Boundaries teach a child how to participate in society. How to think of others first. How to love others as themselves.
 
blue_ladybug said:
Spanking doesn't accomplish anything. Give them time-outs in front of company when they act up. Maybe if they get embarassed in front of others sometimes, they'll smarten up and stop acting like that. Worked with me.. lol
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Spankings stopped me from exploring how long it takes for a tissue set on fire on the stove to burn up. (Not much time at all, so it landed on the floor.) They taught me to not jump off the roof of a garage. And most importantly, do NOT plug an 8" hole in an abandoned boat with an old T-shirt before taking off for a little rowing during a blizzard. Without a red tush, surely I'd be dead by now. It taught me "common sense" that did not come naturally to me as a kid. lol
 
Newone40 said:
I was just thinking that if we do ty time outs whould you say its best they sit or stand whilst doing their time outs ......and at their ages how long for to be effective but not going overeboard
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You're the expert on which way would work better. They're your kids. Which methods do they hate the most?

How long does it take? As long as it takes them to realize the effect isn't worth the cause.

I am third-of-three. (More kids came later but the first three of us came along in the space of 26 months.) I learned from my older brothers too. Not that they tried to teach me, but in that I watched to see what they could and couldn't get away with. So, I did learn at a younger age, but we learned at the same time. (My next brother, 11 years younger, was smart enough to listen to me, but only because I'd teach him what we could and couldn't get away with when we were his age. So he learned both sides. lol)
 
Newone40 said:
I was just thinking that if we do ty time outs whould you say its best they sit or stand whilst doing their time outs ......and at their ages how long for to be effective but not going overeboard
Click to expand...

I HATED standing when in timeout.
My time out wasn't ten minutes, it was two hours lol
Ugh worst punishment ever
 
Standing in time out seems to be an option that a few of my Christian parenting friends say may help .its just tha as sometimes she acts up in front of visitors to our home we are not sure if it could still be done in front of them or to wait till they've gone home ....leslie
 
Newone40 said:
Standing in time out seems to be an option that a few of my Christian parenting friends say may help .its just tha as sometimes she acts up in front of visitors to our home we are not sure if it could still be done in front of them or to wait till they've gone home ....leslie
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Ten years is a little old to begin spanking.As she is quickly approaching pre-teen years you need to find something that works fast.Does she have things like a tv,computer and such in her room? You need to find her currency and pull the plug on it when she acts up. When I was in my early teens I LOVED listening to music. You could take a lot of things from me and I could care less,but if you took the headphones you had my complete attention. She is too old for spanking,its time for more adult punishment,when you do this your punishment is this. Spanking may work on little ones but at this age she has understanding that actions have consequences. You are teaching her this. The advice of spanking,to me,is not the best advice for her age.
 
Newone40 said:
Standing in time out seems to be an option that a few of my Christian parenting friends say may help .its just tha as sometimes she acts up in front of visitors to our home we are not sure if it could still be done in front of them or to wait till they've gone home ....leslie
Click to expand...


Okay,
My father used to make us do push ups when we acted out in public. He didn't care if it was in the parking lot, we would still get on the gravel and do push ups.

Well, We never acted out in Public. I don't think giving her a punishment when visitors are over is bad. If she wants an explanation as to why she has to get a time out in front of people, tell her it fits what she is doing to you by acting up in front of company.

Any way punishment has to fit the child. Taking things from me does not work - heck they even took music away from me but i just sang until I fell asleep and in the restroom and around the house lol
Doing pushups does not work - I'll just lie and say what they want to hear to get out of it
Time out used to work for about 10 minutes
Hitting worked but that's obviously not an option
taking my technology is fine, it sucks for the time being but eh doesn't drastically bother me

The only thing that works for me is guilt tripping. Show me how my actions negatively affected others and I will fell awful and do my best to stop.

Of course most children aren't like that.

My brother reacts to taking away his technology

My other brother reacts to pushups and could care less about technology
 
As the person who seems to give the most punishment around my house - here are some things Iv'e used

Of course talking to them honestly and telling them how what they did hurt me or someone else
*This was used when my brother told me he hated me and I was trying to make him into an awful person
*This repaired the relationship and made him think next time before he said something like that but it does not work for every child, my other brother could care less if he made anyone feel anyway

Taking away technology
*This is good for the time being, but if you say you are going to give it back in a week they will only behave for a week, tell them you will give it back when you see an improvement, and be fair don't make it impossible for them to reach, your children can't think you want them to be perfect (Do remind them that it will be taken away if they act up again and do not let one incident pass or they won't take you seriously when you say that)

Time Outs
*This is okay for younger children - older kids would love to be in time out, especially sitting, it's a nice break

Have your child help pick their punishment
* it shows them how hard it is on you to decide a punishment
* Make sure the punishment is fair and fits the crime, you have the right ot tell them no. try again

More Homework
*What kid likes homework? Get a workbook for just about every subject, and add that on to work they have at night

More Chores
*Now, this is up to you if you take it to the extreme or not, a few extra chores or chores all day every day
I usually use this if they half --- their chores, but it can work for anything (for every time you act up in front of company we add on one chore)

Write 100 sentences about what you did wrong or write an apology letter to who it should be given to
*Not a bad punishment, this worked for me, and it's what they use in in school suspension lol
 
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