I have never used any social sites before now, and I am blow away at everyone's responses!
Thank you very much for ALL the kind words and guidance. I love my husband obviously more than I love myself, but I do not like being treated bad. Through all his verbal harshness and his cold treatment, I do not raise my voice, infact I more-a-less gravel beneath him. He believes in God and after the situations die down he seems to always feel bad, I think because of God.
However, I always continue to feel bad. I cannot seem to drop or forget or feel numb to all the very mean things he said. I do not throw it in his face or anything, I just feel distant from him emotionally and it affects me phyically as well.
For instance two days ago, I asked him if there was anything he was not telling me, because while I studying on the internet had a youtube video to watch, and noticed at the top was my hubands name, so I clicked on his name and it gave the history. I glanced down and immediately noticed that there were videos, that I would not have thought he would look at. I felt devastated and knew if I brought it up he would explode, but I thought if I didn't than I would be much worse.
Stupid me, I asked. right away he denied it, but then got really mad and started yelling and cursing at me, which he knows I am sensitive too, He was saying things like, "who am I to come at him like that, I have no business asking him" He also said when we got home, because we were in the car, "he was going to call a divorce attorney and divorce me" I was so shocked, and did not understand why he was that mad. I was crying when we arrived home, and asked him to explain why he would say that he was going to divorce me over me asking about something he did not do; he did not know why.
I continued to try to make things better the way I always do, and he then somehow says that he has been thinking about cheating on me because we have not had sex in two weeks (sorry about being so personal) well the reason, it was that time of the month for me (first week), second week he was sick. To make it worse he continued to critize me in bed, which is so hurtful, because he knows it is because we have young kids nearby.
So needless to say I left that conversation feeling like I cannot talk to him about any concerns with him, I have no value to him because I am replaceable, I am not enough, my life is not stable among other feelings. I believe he did not watch those videos, and have told him that I was just trying to have some assurance from him. He thinks because I look at things that are infront of me that I do not trust him. The only thing I do not trust is him when he is mad and that is what I tell him. I will look, not because I want to find something, but because I want to not find anything. I want to know that my deepest worse thought is untrue. I makes me proud of him and makes me love him more and deeper. It heals some of my pain. Does that makes sense?
Anyways, thank you for listening! Thank you for responding! I appreciate it!!
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