I grew up in a hate filled house during my childhood and adolescent years, which caused me to not have the best relationship with my mom. I have an older sister who's an alcoholic and has cut off everyone, and she has a son that she lets no one see. My mom has issues going with my grandmother, aunt, and uncle going back since I was a kid, so really I'm the only family she has. Long story short she's always been level headed and stubborn, and has always had a short fuse. I've tried working on having a better relationship, because I feel bad that she has burned bridges with everyone else, but it seems whenever I'm around her I'm always anxious and emotionally drained. It's taken a toll on me but at the end of the day I've always let it go. Today she snapped because I didn't give her any money as a Christmas gift (I know there are threads about Christmas; please don't bring the drama from them in here.) She knows it took til the end of the year to land a job after college, and knows I'm starting to pay student loans and trying to save to go to graduate school, yet because she struggles financially herself she always tries to live off me. I can't keep going through this process, and sometimes I just want to withdraw myself from her life. I know how awful that may sound, but I can't keep feeling miserable whenever I'm around her. Any one else struggle with something similar or can give their opinion?
Hello jsr1221,
I had a similar situation with my mother. For years I was oppressed by my mother and her bitterness. One day, when I was about your age and living on my own, I was at my grandfather's house, my mother's father. I had just visited my mother and explained to him, how, whenever I would visit her she always seemed to get upset with me about something and I would leave feeling bad. Do you know what he said to me?
He said, lovingly, "Son, a wise man doesn't keep sticking his head in a hornets nest."
For me, more profound words had never been uttered. I felt instant relief! The burden I had had concerning my mother was gone.
My grandfather was a Godly man, and he knew how his daughter was. His words of wisdom set me free. I had never considered "not going around her" as an option. But as soon as the words were out of his mouth I knew he was right.
Not long after that, I realized how I truly felt about my mother. I made up my mind not to go see her again and told God, "I love her, and I forgive her for all she has ever done against me."
At some point after this, a year or so, my mother came to find me and went to the house next door, thinking that was where I lived. She ranted and raved for a few minutes, probably high on prescription drugs, screaming all kinds of mean and hateful things at the front door (nobody was home.) Then she left.
She died a few years later. I sat in church during her eulogy and didn't shed a tear. For to me she had died many years before. Sitting there, in perfect peace, I thought, "What a wasted life. Mom, you could have had better."
Yes, like you, it all sounds awful. But my decision was the right one for me. I won't tell you it's right for you. Get somewhere quiet and talk to the Lord. Ask Him to guide you in this. Listen for an answer. He may quicken your heart right then with the answer. If not, He may wait till later, or give a sign. Trust Him and do what He says.
If you distance yourself from your mother, for the reasons you've mentioned, it will not make you a bad son. And you should not, "...feel bad that she has burned bridges with everyone else." That's her decision not yours.
It's OK to put yourself first in this situation, jsr1221. And you must!
God's grace and wisdom be with you, my brother. And it is!
With love,
joseph
