How Does One Overcome Timidity?

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Fire7

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As far back as I can remember, I was a very soft spoken child. People always had to ask me 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 times "Huh? ...What did you say? ...I can't hear you?.... Speak up!... Put some base in your voice!" And even today, at age 29, I still get the same responses. If people couldn't guess my orientation from my physical demeaner, they would certainly wonder from the way I talk. I think that's why I talked so low, for the most part, because whenever I talked loudly, my voice would get high!

It is not as bad now. Thankfully, my voice is a little deeper, but it's still very subtle. I have tried my best to have a loud, deep, authoritative voice, but I eventually just gave up on trying, because it doesn't seem to fit my personality. My whole demeaner is meek... not necessarily humble. It's just laid back, passive, subtle, bland, boring. I used to really hate that about myself. I think I'm very boring. There's nothing naturally outstanding or special about my physical appearance, and sometimes I think I'm ungly. I can't sing, I can't dance, I'm slow with everything (even as a child, in daycare, I remember I would get my lunch tray taken from me every day, after I was the last kid left with my tray still half full), I can't play any kind of sport. It's like I have no talent. People have usually laughed at me when I tried to play sports, because I look so awkward--and if they don't laugh, they just have a stunned look on their face, or just shake their head in pity. So I just gave up on it.

The only thing that I can do is draw, which people have always complimented me on. At one point, I got a very big head because I (secretly) felt like I was finally good at something. I showed it off like it was gold, and made sure everywhere I went, people knew that I could draw. So now it's like what I'm known for. Now, I'm sick of that because it seems I've been put in a box and now everyone sees me as a drawing machine, like that's all there is to me. So I stopped drawing for a few years. I thought I needed to stop anyway because I didn't like how people were perceiving me--as this stuck up, arrogant, self absorbed person.

At some point in my school days--middle school and mostly highschool, I endeavored to be more authoritative, but I was always unsuccessful. At best, I became this obnoxious, homophobic (pretentiously anyway), semi-effeminate boy. I think I confused people, for the most part. I really just wanted attention and didn't know how to get it, because I had no real self esteem/respect, and there was nothing overtly interesting about me.

The truth is, I am very insecure. One guy told me that I was the most insecure person he had ever seen. I laughed hard because of how straight forward he was, and because of how true it probably was. I don't know if insecure people usually admit, or know they're insecure, but I do know it. I feel like I have no identity of my own, and I have a face for every person and occasion: I've been called fake a time or two... I still live with my mother (which I've also been condemned for), I have no real job, I've never been behind the wheel of an automobile and don't know how to drive, or have a license. I can't fight; I would always either cry or tremble uncontrollably in the face of confrontation. I feel like I have no back-bone. ...One of my aunts once told me that I had lived such a sheltered life that the world would chew me up and spit me out. I agree.

I mentioned in another thread how people always told me I was weird, psycho, or ask what's wrong with me. The last steady job I was on, one of my co-workers--a really funny, loud, outspoken guy, asked me in front of the whole crew, "what's wrong with you?... Something is wrong with you!... Why are you so timid?" That was like a eureka moment, because someone actually called me out on it. I mean people have always seen me as weak, and I’ve been called a “wuss” and a "punk" a few times. Those in my family tend to romanticize and make it something special... "He's so humble," "He's soft spoken," "He's a gentleman," "He's a good boy." But that's what family does: and I also have a very matriarchal family--immediate and extended (so of course, they're going to be softer). But Strangers just call it how they see it. And it's not cute to me. I'm sure that a lot of people see me as a sorry excuse for a man. I've been told it in so many ways, and those who don;t openly say it, I know they're thinking it. My own mother has suggested it on several occasions, even though it's not like she has really pushed me to get an education, or to be more of a man.

I don't want to be weak and timid, because weak people get ran over and used as a doormat. I know first-hand that nice guys do finish last. I think part of why I am like I am is because I don't want to hurt people—although I have (I'm not an angel by any means). But I've learned the hard way that people who don't want to hurt people are the people who get hurt the most. I have thought about just becoming a big conceited jerk who runs over everyone and doesn't care, but I can't be that kind of person. I so envy people who can though.

Although I don't want to be an obnoxious jerk, I don't want to be a pushover either. I really want to be balanced. I know some people will say "Awwe; that's sweet...you're sensitive and artistic..." But it's not “sweet” or cute to me; it's a recipe for being misused, abused, run over, and ultimately disaster!
 
I am sorry that you are going through such pain in your life. I can not propose a total solution; I doubt anybody can. However, I would like to make a couple of suggestions. A lack of self-confidence appears to be driving a lot of the issues you face. Hence, it's a good topic to focus on:

Get your own place as soon as possible, if possible today. It doesn't matter how humble it is, the important thing is it's your place.

Enroll at a local gym and work out for the rest of your life. If necessary get a personal trainer. You will be healthier, you'll look better, it will improve your self-confidence, and it doesn't require athletic talent (only discipline).

Make a list of useful skills that you have delayed learning (a primary example is driving a car), set a deadline for obtaining each skill, and stick to that deadline. Put the list on the fridge.

Remember an excellent quote from George S. Patton, "Do not take counsel of your fears." One should of course be prudent, but giving excessive weight to fears and concerns has held me back on many occasions in my life.

I think everybody has talent, the only problem is discovering where that talent lies. One way of doing this is to make a conscious effort to expose yourself to new situations, experiences, and people. This can be something as simple as making a rule to do one new thing per week (e.g., "I've never been to a book launching. Let's go.")

Get involved in taking care of animals, e.g., as a volunteer, a foster parent, or a pet owner. The unconditional love that I have received from my dog and a stray cat I'm feeding, knowing that they need me and that I'm making a major difference in their lives, does wonders for my self-esteem. It even lets me shrug off rudeness from mere humans. Forgive them, for they are only bipeds.

Hope this helps. Good luck.
 
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You should be proud of not wanting to hurt people.
For those who want to hurt people and bully and do evil are the truly weak ones...
Im sure those who hurt jesus felt "powerkicks" of how "powerful" (power missused) they are and got pleasure from hurting someone which some people actually do.
I have my self encounted it.People who get sexual lust and pleasure , joy, happiness from seeing some one locked up curled up in agony , use them as sexslave, daily abuse , dog, retard etc.....

Be proud that you are not like that.

You should perhaps work on building your confidence in not only what you are good at as a person and can do but also confidence in who you are and all you are.
Maybe you will discover that you are more than the person you think you are or others perceive you as cause they dont know you beyond your person and deep in your soul.

What actions can you take to build your confidence?
Little steps.
Actionplan!
Make a actionplan.Sit down and write down what would make you feel good and better and more confident and take little steps to doing so.

Some people are just socially clumsy for various reasons and their true self is not displayed there4 when they are with people (a loss for all)
Im socially clumsy........

Have you got social fobia, anxiety?
Maybe start some easy, short courses in exercise and other things and build slowly and be patient, kind, understanding to yourself.
Dont be so hard on yourself but dont be to soft either instead encourage, support to do and be.........

Maybe make dinners for your mother if you are not working and if she works...
Maybe do volunteer work a day or two a week and add exercise to that and your weeks starting to blossom ;)
I do this.I had cancer recently and also have social etc problems for various reasons so am also build mode etc although others violate, putdown abuse etc
avoid those people and if they stalk you etc with their illwill, want to break u down "keep u down there" "in place" take it to law or ask for help (may take 10 yrs for action to happen... but do ya best)

Do you know it took ages for me to get my licence.
Much dramas and I did not get it untill I was 31 yrs old.
I was devistated about it it was truly dramatic (long story)
I think you should start studying for your licence.
Take it step by step.
Its one of best things to ever happen to me.
When u are ready drive with family and then finalise your test and get licence.

People perceived you as "stuck up" cause you draw good, sounds strange....
Instead they should appreciate your drawings and perhaps they could buy one of you or you could give them one if they close to you.......
You can always expand n areas of activity and learn new things.


Pumping or weights is a very good way to get better posture which improves confidence.
I used to do weights and exercise 2 yrs ago till my heart broke etc and notice what good posture one has.
I recomend you exercise and weighttraining for posture and confidence and feeling happier (recomend it to me self also ;) )


Start appreciating and loving yourself more.
I appreciate and love myself but others dont always ... Lol which makes me socially awkward cause been treated badly and experienced a lot...

You could do voicetraining.
Join a church quir (how ever thats spelt ;) )
if or when u can afford visit a röstpedagog or a person who trains you to use your voice, helps you...
Brings out the best in you.The good ones can work miracles....... (saw famefactor a girl sounded rather poorly but after training and advice from specialist she sang so beautifully I cried)

Beleive in yourself, love yourself.....
Step by step...
Encourage, pepptalk, understand, support......

God Bless

V
 
I used to be really shy, and i still am quite shy. I have a learning disability, where my brain is slow at processing, this means i sometimes struggle to express myself, and explain things when im talking. Last year, at the beginning of the summer holidays, I prayed to God with a youth worker asking for more confidence, because I was about to start at a 6th form college in september, and my youth group was joining with another. I didn't realise it for a long time, but God answered that prayer for me. I now get on with everybody in my new youth group, and I have a close group of friends at college. I may not be the loudest, and I still often have quiet moments, but I don't have to be the loudest person in the group. In fact, God didn't just give me confidence to make new friends, but in May I spoke at a christian youth event, as in I did the talk. If someone had told me a year before I would be standing up infront of a group of people and speaking, I wouldn't have believed them. But it doesn't matter that I had no experience in speaking before, that normally I'm not always good at expressing myself, because its not about what I can do, and who I am, but its about who God is. I may not be a great speaker, but God is. And when i spoke that night, I knew God was with me, because I spoke so differently to how I normally do. I spoke with clarity, and with the authority of God. I know that I wouldn't have been able to do it without God. I believe God can use anyone, and everyone. No one is a lost cause. God can use you to bless the world. Pehaps, maybe through you one person might come to know christ, but this could bless the world and change it. Not only does it mean someone else has been saved, but pehaps that person might lead someone else to know christ, and then that person will lead another, and this person might be a gifted speaker who might lead 20 people to know christ. 1 man + God can do anything.

But you don't need to change yourself to fit in with the world. Pehaps your good at listening, and caring. And pehaps, this will lead others to wonder, why this guy is so good at listening, and caring, and the answer is because God made you this way. "You are this masterpiece". I find, when I'm afraid or intimid, if i repeat lines of songs in my head, or some verses from the bible it helps. For example "If our God is for us, then who can ever stop us, and if our God is with us, then what can stand against." and "Be bold, be strong, for the Lord, your God is with you"

I understand you don't want to be hurt and stuff. I sometimes have the same issue. When I do things, I put my heart and soul into things. This means when these things are successful, I get a huge high, and feel amazing, but when things go wrong, which they often do, it really hurts. So it makes me sometimes feel like I shouldn't bother, but then I wouldn't feel anything. Its difficult to find a balance between caring and doing things for other people, and not be pushed over by others. Probably the best thing to do, is to have a friend or two, who you trust, and are able to suggest to you maybe something isnt a good idea or something.

I hope somehow some of this helps. But don't give up on yourself, because God hasn't. He loves you, and "his love never fails, it never gives up. It never gives up on you !"
 
there's nothing wrong with you. the first thing you need to do is stop listening and caring what everyone else has to say about you. no one not even your mom knows what goes through your head and heart on a minute by minute basis. you are an individual and before anyone can think anything special about you you need to see it for yourself. God loves you, it sounds cliche i know but think about it like this. if your good enough for the love of god, and your loved enough to have him sacrifice his only son for you... then its pretty safe to say that it is okay to love yourself exactly the way you are. once you can do that you will find your inner strength and the timidness will fade into the background. you will still be a gentle soul, but you will know your place in this world as someone special. pray for gods help in the matter.
 
Hmm.... I used to be shy also. Though I never got bothered about it. I was always viewed more as anti social rather then shy. I would always stand my ground when I didn't want to do something so no one saw me as weak.

Simply be your self. I am still the same person who I used to be, simply my mentality has changed. I don't care what people think about me in the least bit. Though I really wont say anything unless something needs to be said or if I am asked a question.

There is nothing wrong being different. Just be yourself.

Try to keep in mind that people are naturally selfish, they generally wont care what you say but just want you to give them attention and agree with them. In my opinion it is not worth the effort to try to please such people. Tis why I have pretty much no friends!

If you ever wish to speak I would be glad to talk with you any time. I could be your friend if you wish.
 
I'm not really going to say much..because I can see that the other people who have posted already have said a lot :) You sound a lot like me..how I used to be..All I can really say is that you can learn to overcome your timidity. But you'll have to go outside of your comfort zone. In the beginning I had to force myself to be more assertive and vocal. I literally gave myself pep talks encouraging myself to be brave. It can be quite scary facing something you'd rather shy away from. So a lot of the time I felt like a fish out of water.. Whether it was something small like being more vocal about how I feel or something big like standing up for myself in a bad situation. But the more you force yourself to be more brave and less timid..the more easier it becomes.. Don't get me wrong.. I still have my insecurities and issues..but I'm not as bad as I used to be..I'm more straight forward and up front than I used to be.. I'm no longer somebody's "door mat" .. I'm still learning.. But also keep in mind..with learning to get over your timidity..you have to learn to balance it.. pick and choose your battles as the saying goes..
 
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