Husband drama that I need advice with

[answers]

Hi,
I have never used any social sites, until now. I am hoping to get feeback to help my thought process along. Problem is...

My husband and I have been together since I was 16 and I am now almost thirty. We share three kids and I stay at home.
About 4-5yrs ago, he started to verbally destroy me emotionally. If I confront him on things that I have found, which hurts me, he blames me and denies everything. During the mix of the problems he is extremely hurtful and cold. After it is all said and, as far as he knows, done, he plays this super husband until the next time something upsets him or I do something, as he says is none of my business.

My question is, what should I do? I feel dependant on him and scared to live without him. I am scared of being punished by God for not doing whatever the heck I am suppose to do.
Can anyone lend some opinions?

 

[Elizabeth619]

You are in a manipulating and controlling relationship. He needs help before anything can improve.

My guess is everything is fine and dandy until something does not go his way. Then again everything has to go his way. Also, if he doesn't tell you how to act, think, feel, dress and so on he eventually will if you do not put a stop to it.

Also, you are not going to lose everything if he is not around. He has manipulated you to thinking that way. My guess is he feels his life is out of control so he controls others like yourself to maintain some type of control in his life.

You could try to stand up to him, but then he would feel threatened and may hurt you. I am also speaking from experience. I know this type of man. I was with one for 4 years. I was controlled to the point I wasnt allowed to see my own family.

 

[answers]

He does not control my every move, infact he could careless about what I am doing, who I am with or what I wear(kinda). He is just that way when he is angry. Yes, it does feel like I have to be scared of what he might do or say. I am scared of losing him. We share three kids and it would devastate them. I am careful to try not to set him off around our kids. I hope this is not going to get worse!
Thank you for your response, I appreciate it.

 

[Jullianna]

16 is so very young, huh? You didn't really have much time to find out who YOU were first, did you?

He does sound a bit controlling. Wives can be godly wives without being doormats. You don't say how old your husband is. Is he overwhelmed with family responsibilities?

It also sounds though that you might not have much confidence in yourself. You are a stay at home mom and, with 3 kids, I'm sure you are busy, but are there things you could do that would help you build your confidence? Bible studies, particularly with other ladies? Classes of some kind?

May I suggest that you be the best wife and mom you can be with God's help, allow God to mold and grow you, pray for your husband and your family fiercely, and watch God do a powerful work?

My prayers are with you.

 

[answers]

We were very young. He is two years older than me, so he was 18. We were actually closer and more togther then now. We have been living together since then. I think originally when he started to be mean about 4-5years ago it was because he was overwhelmed. I think he started to wish that he had the bachelor life his co-workers have. He says now, that he does not feel that way.
I have always been confident until now. If you were to see me in my community you would think that I am confident and that my husband and I have this wonderful life. People tell me this stuff all the time. My own sister, did not think my husband is mean to me and felt I was dramatizing, until she witnessed him being mean. My family thinks he is not being mean to me anymore, but he is just not as often, about every two-three weeks.
We do go to a small group (bible study), and we coach two soccer teams together. The only time I have by myself, I have my kids or at least one of them.
I have always invested all of me to my entire family, I am worn down from the wounds. I know my kids have to sense my passion fading. I hope not, I pray for God to sheild them. Sometimes he makes me feel so low I question if God cares about me.

I grew up in a VERY abusive home. Drugs, Alcholol (however that is spelt), We had to move a bunch and hide from my dad. My mom and dad both are alchololics. I was the oldest of four and had to save my mom all the time and care for my siblings. I lived in a fake exsitence to others my entire childhood and now I am having to live like that again. I wish I would learn whatever God wants me to learn. I want to be happy for REAL!
Thank you, I will keep praying, as that is my ONLY hope!

 

[Ugly]

Actually i define that as abuse. It is a verbal/emotional abuse. At the very least you both need professional help. And growing up in an abusive home, its no wonder you ended up in an abusive marriage. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Trax]

Hi,
I have never used any social sites, until now. I am hoping to get feeback to help my thought process along. Problem is...

My husband and I have been together since I was 16 and I am now almost thirty. We share three kids and I stay at home.
About 4-5yrs ago, he started to verbally destroy me emotionally. If I confront him on things that I have found, which hurts me, he blames me and denies everything. During the mix of the problems he is extremely hurtful and cold. After it is all said and, as far as he knows, done, he plays this super husband until the next time something upsets him or I do something, as he says is none of my business.

My question is, what should I do? I feel dependant on him and scared to live without him. I am scared of being punished by God for not doing whatever the heck I am suppose to do.
Can anyone lend some opinions?

There is a Christian ministry called Focus on the Family. Try to google it. There should be
a lot of information there, dealing with family issues. I listen to that program a lot on my MP3
player. But since I am single, a lot of the info does not get retained, but one theme seems
to be there in most of the information. That is, there are two sides to a coin. Many times,
both parties are doing things and saying things, to the other, that affects the other in a negative
way, without knowing the effects they are causing. It goes back and forth and gets worse.
A communication problem can lead to other problems. A communication problem is not always
a lack of talking, but how it is conveyed. Men and women think differently and communicate
differently. The type of communication two women have with each other, probably
wont work on a man, and vice versa. That site, should have info that helps in communicating.

For example, you said he verbally destroy you emotionally. In some of the programs, there
have been discussions of word battles. Your words hurt me, so i'm going to hurt you with my
words. It never started out as a personal attack with words, it was just how it was received.
As stated, this is just an example.

 

[LANCY]

Hi,
I have never used any social sites, until now. I am hoping to get feeback to help my thought process along. Problem is...

My husband and I have been together since I was 16 and I am now almost thirty. We share three kids and I stay at home.
About 4-5yrs ago, he started to verbally destroy me emotionally. If I confront him on things that I have found, which hurts me, he blames me and denies everything. During the mix of the problems he is extremely hurtful and cold. After it is all said and, as far as he knows, done, he plays this super husband until the next time something upsets him or I do something, as he says is none of my business.

My question is, what should I do? I feel dependant on him and scared to live without him. I am scared of being punished by God for not doing whatever the heck I am suppose to do.
Can anyone lend some opinions?

I wish I could just wrap my arms around you and hug you. I'm sorry for what you have gone through in your life. I pray that you can look at your life as blessed for the person you have become rather than cursed by God. So many people can look at life's struggles in a negatigve way.

I have such a strong personallity that my first instict is to tell you to tell your hasband to shove it. However, that will not help anything (except maybe give you a little satifaction for about 10 min. ).

My friend is having marital problems were they are arguing all the time. Advise was given to her that I thought was good. Each person writes 5 things down that the othe person can do/not do that woudl really make the other person happy. For example you may write down "it would really make a difference in my life if when you were mad, you did not make me the target of your anger". This list is not to be a petty list of things like "put the toilet seat down".

It may be hard to get your husband on board at first because he may feel it as threatening. I suggest letting him come up with his list before you hand over a list to him because if he felt threatened when you mentioned it, the list may put him overboard.

You should view this exercise as I love my husband so I want to do what I can to make him happy and he should view the exercise the same.

I pray you find the answers you seek and a resolution where you can be happy. God Bless!

 

[leelee]

It sounds like you are "staying together for the kids" and I don't think it is a good reason to stay together, even when kids don't see as you said they can feel something isn't right. Happy people tend to have happy kids and as long as they know they have two parents who love them sometimes its ok for the parents not to be living together x

 

[answers]

Thank you EVERYONE, and I will check out the family focus, Thanks!

Lancy, it is funny that you mentioned the list, because my husband on his own, said he is going to do that with nice things to say to me.
Also the other day, I made my husband a hamburger and a hot dog with bacon, sour cream, tomato, avacodo, cheese, onions and mushrooms and took them to him for his lunch at work, and one of the other empoyees said to him after I left, he better appreciate me and not let me go, of course his response was she is not going anywhere, but I know he felt good hearing that.
Thanks again!

 

[NazariteVow]

.
Also the other day, I made my husband a hamburger and a hot dog with bacon, sour cream, tomato, avacodo, cheese, onions and mushrooms
quote]

*falls over flat on face and goes into dreamland* Uhh hamburger, cheese, bacon.......

I could imagine you prepared his hamburger and hot dog with love and he couldn't see that. Sometimes it's in the small things we see that someone cares. Keep praying if no one can reach out to your husband and show him the folly of his ways then be assured that God can. Just keep praying annnnddd also remember to also feed the hun(me)gry when you can.

 

[LANCY]

Thank you EVERYONE, and I will check out the family focus, Thanks!

Lancy, it is funny that you mentioned the list, because my husband on his own, said he is going to do that with nice things to say to me.
Also the other day, I made my husband a hamburger and a hot dog with bacon, sour cream, tomato, avacodo, cheese, onions and mushrooms and took them to him for his lunch at work, and one of the other empoyees said to him after I left, he better appreciate me and not let me go, of course his response was she is not going anywhere, but I know he felt good hearing that.
Thanks again!

The smallest things can mean so much. I think it's great that you took the time to bring him lunch at work.

I usually do not get to see my husband in the morning before work because I leave before he gets up. However today, I was home in the morning. While I was getting ready I heard him making eggs. I thought he was just making his own breakfast. He surprised me by bringing me some along with some toast. That little effort made me so happy. It was a great way to go off to work

 

[spirit]

At one stage my husband was very controlling only because he did not know how to communicate properly as I belief how you cope with conflict is always been taught from their parents. Unfortunatley because neither side of our families never really taught their kids well on discipline ( due to old generation and culture) we had to learn the hard way ourselves. Take a deep breath and think what you both are trying to achieve , what is he afraid of and both of you have to change the way you communicate. Ask God for guidance and then both your fears will be lessened and even gone .

 

[Hebrey]

You wrote one importaint thing - that he started to emotionaly destroy you 4-5 years ago. So, do I uderestand well, he did not behave this way before? If my underestanding is correct, than I would refer to Trax's answer. Try to ask for help any Christian ministry for Family of married couples, or any Christian psychologist. I suppose there would be a lot of them in USA. They can give you very good advice and find out what happened with your husband and made him to change his behaviour.

 

[inter]

I'm feeling very sad... My husband is not as before. I felt strange about him. He was very sick since 21/8/11. His metal valve collapsed at that time. He was hospitalized more than a month. He has present memory loss problems now but he is slowly recovering. His temper has worsen. He often accused me of things or condemn me. I'm very heart broken actually. When I corrected him, he insisted that he was right even when there were proofs that he was wrong. He even asked for witness against me. I'm a foreign wife. We've no kids. His in his late 40's. He'd his mitral valve changed to a metal replacement 5 years ago. I would really like to leave him but I'm afraid that God will be angry. My health is poor too but I think is due to stress living with him all the 8 years.

 

[DNSiclari]

Need a accountability partner. If interested in helping please email me [email protected]. Thanks

 

[stallion4ever]

Family counselling is obvious. May I suggest you both go?He may obviously refuse, if you can afford it seek help yourself. Another avenue although he may not be alcoholic, go to al anon groups 12 step meeting( free) where other woman have gone through the same type of mental abuse. They will support and teach you how to relearn the proper methods to reacting to this behaviour. Your husband is not mentally fit and he requires help. Pray all you want it helps, but God sends us psychologists and self help groups and this avenue is step one.

You need your self esteem and self respect. Your enabling now and if you dont put a stop to this soon it gets more and more difficult . You dont mention your financial situation , but sure seems stressful and your husband is obviously irrational and conflicted. Three kids to support and i gather your a stay at home mom.

Please go here Characteristics Of A Verbally Abusive Husband | LIVESTRONG.COM

Be positive stay with God he is in your corner at every round ready to encourage you wipe your tears and pad you on the shoulder to encourage you to go out and win every round. Winning is the 7 p's in prayer 1-patience, 2-perserverent 3-personal 4-positive ,5-powerful, 6-passionate, 7-profound

Powerful Miracle Prayers (or The Seven P?s in Prayer)

 

[shekaniah]

He might feel guilty for wanted to be free, so he looks for reasons to be mad at you to make himself feel better.
Pray and ask God for wisdom and direction...he knows your husbands heart and mind.
God bless, Shekaniah

 

[Lucy68]

I'm feeling very sad... My husband is not as before. I felt strange about him. He was very sick since 21/8/11. His metal valve collapsed at that time. He was hospitalized more than a month. He has present memory loss problems now but he is slowly recovering. His temper has worsen. He often accused me of things or condemn me. I'm very heart broken actually. When I corrected him, he insisted that he was right even when there were proofs that he was wrong. He even asked for witness against me. I'm a foreign wife. We've no kids. His in his late 40's. He'd his mitral valve changed to a metal replacement 5 years ago. I would really like to leave him but I'm afraid that God will be angry. My health is poor too but I think is due to stress living with him all the 8 years.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're suffering in your relationship too! Before seriously considering leaving him how about seeking some outside help? Do you belong to a Church and have a group of local friends?

Reading the Bible can give us great insight into how to deal with our problems...especially in the husband/wife relationship. Let him know how his behavior is hurting your marriage.

I will pray for your's and your husband's health. Feeling bad does make it hard to get along with others. But we shouldn't take our discomforts out on others. I have to work on this too

 

[Lucy68]

Family counselling is obvious. May I suggest you both go?He may obviously refuse, if you can afford it seek help yourself. Another avenue although he may not be alcoholic, go to al anon groups 12 step meeting( free) where other woman have gone through the same type of mental abuse. They will support and teach you how to relearn the proper methods to reacting to this behaviour. Your husband is not mentally fit and he requires help. Pray all you want it helps, but God sends us psychologists and self help groups and this avenue is step one.

You need your self esteem and self respect. Your enabling now and if you dont put a stop to this soon it gets more and more difficult . You dont mention your financial situation , but sure seems stressful and your husband is obviously irrational and conflicted. Three kids to support and i gather your a stay at home mom.

Please go here Characteristics Of A Verbally Abusive Husband | LIVESTRONG.COM

Be positive stay with God he is in your corner at every round ready to encourage you wipe your tears and pad you on the shoulder to encourage you to go out and win every round. Winning is the 7 p's in prayer 1-patience, 2-perserverent 3-personal 4-positive ,5-powerful, 6-passionate, 7-profound

Powerful Miracle Prayers (or The Seven P?s in Prayer)

Great post, stallion! I think it's a great idea for you to seek support yourself answers. On the rare ocassions that my husband would take out his frustrations on me something obnoxious in my head would say I had to take it....that was my job or something. Totally wrong. We don't have to be doormats and a dutiful wife tells her husband 'no, you can't treat me like that and I won't stand for it'. When I did stand up to my husband at these times, he was angry at first, but later he respected me for it.