Husband, In-laws, and pictures with other women

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misscurly78

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About 3 weeks ago our marriage seemed nearly perfect! We were happy.....hadn't fought in months...are expecting another baby....all seemed wonderful with the world. Three weeks ago hubby went out of town for business...enjoyed trip...came home showed me pictures of all coworkers...told me how he hung out with all the older ladies....but mostly kept to himself. A week later I see some new pictures on facebook that he was tagged in showing him sitting closely, standing closely, and playing with a particular young lady. He did not have any pictures like she had...and all of the pictures she had up were of her and him. I brought it up...my husband blew his top...screamed and yelled at me and told me to stop accusing him. Later that day...we went to the park and his sister and I got into it...She basically told me that no one in their family liked me and that he was wrong for bringing me into their family without her approval. She has let me know previously that she did not like me. This all caused quite a bit of turmoil...hubby and I argued throughout the weekend. The final argument ended with me apologizing for ever bringing up the pictures...because he was REALLY upset about that...I began crying and holding my stomach...the stress was getting to me and the baby. I put my head down and sobbed and he just started screaming at me at the top of his lungs telling me all the things he did not like about me. After a few minutes I couldn't take it anymore...I got up and said I'm done...and began walking to the bedroom to go calm down...he followed me saying, I'm not done". ...continuing to scream. I couldn't take it anymore...I turned around and started hitting him. After that he calmed down I calmed down and he took a look at the pictures on line and then said..."I don't know why those pictures look like that." Fast forward. We go see a Christan counselor...she tells him that he is playing dangerously by involving his family in his marriage and that he has boundary issues with women. After the session I find out that he told all of his family about our fight. His mother had previously called to get on him about the incident that his sister and I had. His sister is single (40 years old)...has 3 kids from 3 people and completely disrespects our marriage....she expects us to cater to her financially...even though she is out in the world being irresponsible. There is also his brother whom is divorced because he decided he wanted to live a double life. He is now living from house to house with different people. Ever since my husband told them about our problems...they have jumped at the opportunity to get him to bring them back into their sinful lifestyles...the sad thing is that now he is being receptive to it..when he wasn't before. He treats me totally different. His brother is asking him to go to clubs and drinking. This is very bad considering that my husband had to be delivered from these things a few years before we met. It's like Satan has opened the door and he is walking right in. And he's using his family to do it. The last time he went out with his brother he took him around a group of married people who were all cheating on their spouses. After that night...he came home and said...I can't hang around him anymore...this was last year. He distanced himself and let his brother know that he would only go to places that were appropriate and respectful of me. Neither his brother or sister are Christians (not apparent to me anyway). His brother was a youth pastor when he fell into living the double life with another woman. He has continues with this lifestyle to this day and that was nearly 8 years ago. It seems that since that argument...it has all changed. It's like my husband is a different person now...I don't know him. I'm praying for him to come back...The stress is making this pregnancy no fun as well. I just need prayers...there's just so much going on. Any advice will help. I know this is long...but I had to try to fit it all in...and yet I still left out a BUNCH!
 
hey curly,

well, all I can think to do is tell you best from my and other peoples experiences.

I find it odd that he flew off the handle like he did by you mentioning the pictures. and you should have mentioned it! if the shoes were switched, I'm more than sure he would've.

my 1st thought, he knows he was doing wrong. not saying it went any further, but that being out like that with other women can lead to situations that easily allow things to take the next step. in other words, he knew you would have never approved.

2nd thought, depends on you. if you are one of these ladies who go crazy with jealousy all the time, maybe he's just tired of that attitude.

3rd thought, maybe it's both.

I haven't seen the pic's myself, but judging from your reaction and his, according to what you wrote, I lean toward the 1st.

if you have trust issues, make sure it's because you have reasonable reasons. but stand your grounds by all means!

blake
 
See, this would be an issue for me, only because I have always had more female friends then male friends. Sure my really close friends but like random guys...i just dont hang out with. For some reason most my friends are female...I would need a wife that could deal with that.
 
Shard
"I have more Female Friends then Guy friends, my wife would have to deal with that" man that is hilarious for real!

You really beleive a Loving good natured Woman you Marry is actually going to allow you to have a lot of Female friends after you Marry her? Brother Pleaseeeee!

Your young, you'll learn. The Woman on here will agree with this......The moment you start with "She's Just a Friend" to your Mrs. The Radar is Up Bro! Would you want your wife to tell you, "Oh, he's just a FRIEND"...sure he is, why concern yourself right?

Look Woman is like a telephone....They loved to be held, they loved to be talked too, but if you push the wrong button, you get DISCONNECTED.....Pray Brother Pray....
 
@Champion...after talking to him and a counselor...part of the blow up was based on something else...not even dealing with another woman, but his sister. Thanks for your advice/opinion
@Shard...actually my husband is a school teacher and a coach and about 80% or more of his coworkers are female. He has made some really good friends. The problem comes up when he or the female doesn't have appropriate boundaries...this is something the counselor addressed with him as well....he was/is not good with setting boundaries with women.
@Ricke....Thank you brother. I think Shard needed to hear that from another man! :)

Blessings to all of you!
 
Ricke said:
Shard
"I have more Female Friends then Guy friends, my wife would have to deal with that" man that is hilarious for real!

You really beleive a Loving good natured Woman you Marry is actually going to allow you to have a lot of Female friends after you Marry her? Brother Pleaseeeee!

Your young, you'll learn. The Woman on here will agree with this......The moment you start with "She's Just a Friend" to your Mrs. The Radar is Up Bro! Would you want your wife to tell you, "Oh, he's just a FRIEND"...sure he is, why concern yourself right?

Look Woman is like a telephone....They loved to be held, they loved to be talked too, but if you push the wrong button, you get DISCONNECTED.....Pray Brother Pray....
Click to expand...

Hahaha... You have a funny way of explaining it, but I do mostly agree. :)

-God Bless-
 
BellFlor
Thank you. I speak from Long experience. Woman will teach a man what they like and dislike, if men will tune in to that.

I have never met a Female who is so liberal minded she would never say anything to her Husband about all his Female "Friends" The Spirit of Jealousy will arise in Male or Female if they sense something is improper. It is just the way it is with humanity.

The only exception would be if She or He in a committed relationship really want out of that relAtionship, then I could see She or He not caring who they have for "Friends"....
 
Well, I do get your point though... :)

I would never like my husband having many close female friends. The same way like I don't like having many close male friends, I find it inappropriate when now also having my soulmate. I also don't think it is good when either of the spouses get's more closer relations to other female/male friends than what they might have with their own wives/husbands, then it is also easier that they might get tighter bonds with the other ones whenever there might come a big fight/argument between the spouses, and also that other inappropriate/wrong feelings can arise within them, so that bad relations starts coming up with their other close male/female friends.

Nothing wrong with having a ok relationship with males/females, like at work, at church or at other places, but when it starts getting too close, it is easier to fall for any temptations whenever bigger struggles comes up between spouses, something they should try their best solving out together, rather than running to their other male/female friends for advice and support.
 
You know sweetheart speaking from experience, if you want to be happy now is the time to make up your mind that you will focus on you and your children, and as you move through life in prayer and the focus is not on your husband, the Lord will send you answers to what you need to do; via the Word. Read what the word says in; James 4:10, 5:11, Matthew 6:24-34,7:14.
I could go on and on, but my point is; Betrayal is everywhere! Its deep, it hurts, it comes from the people closest to you, and it will throw you into the "pit" of dispare. It hits us at the most crucial point in our lives when we feel everything is going right - like what you are now going through - however, Scripture reassures us that when you are favored by God, He will take care of ALL! your needs.
So precious, be encouraged and walk this walk with promise...because you have now entered into your FAITH WALK FIGHT...GOD DIDN'T CAUSE THIS TO HAPPEN, HE ALLOWED IT...because there is a purpose for the pit your in, and through faith you will get through it victoriously!
Also, what you need to realize is, ALL MEN WILL CHEAT IF THEY KNEW THEY COULD GET AWAY WITH IT! Men being with multiple woman goes back to almost the beginning of time - and that thing called friendship with the opposite sex, is just that a thing.
Because when the opportunity arises - like for instance, their relationship going on the rocks - that other woman (so called friend) will be there to comfort him in more ways than one. I know all about that male, female friendship thing because I lived it - and when men say they want to be your friend, what they really want is a spare tire - a just in case relationship.
So what I would suggest is; stick to what you know and what is real; Mathew 6:33, READ IT, LIVE IT, DIGEST IT, and it will be all the better for you and your children. Because sometimes in life we make decissions that are not of God, even wiho we marry. Remember Proverbs 3:5-6; Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct thy path.
 
You are absolutely right! Men by nature will take advantage of the situation - because thay are wired that way.
 
Again, one hurt person above that has a conclusion of how all men are wired, like if God didn't create them for being together with one spouse, and holding to only one female. ;)

If God would have wired men having more women He would have made more women for Adam from the beginning on, I haven't read anywhere in the bible where it is written that Adam had more women around him, etc... You are hurt and prefer listening to the lies in your head that many men and women likes using as an excuse today and many centuries ago, saying that they are only wired that way.

I'd suggest that you get more enlightened up by God and what He is saying the most, because He is the truth. Now, there is sure many in the bible that took more wives as well, doesn't means that this was seen as correct through God's eyes.
 
First of all I would like to apologize for the misunderstanding because what I said was not meant to be taken so personally.
I would like to first make some corrections in your statement that I am a HURT person! FYI, I am not a hurt person, but someone who has seen and been through certain things in life that lead me to find answers in the word. WHAT I RECOMMEND WE AS CHRIST FOLLOWERS, SHOULD DO.
The truth in the word with reference to "being wired" (man's nature) is in; Genesis chapters 1-4; God's creations.
Genesis 1:27-31, 2:7; God's creation of man and his purpose - Genesis 3; The temptation and the fall of man. In this chapter man became bound by the devil and took on his sinful nature because of his disobedience to God.
Due to Adams and Eve disobedience to God (their spiritual father) - they became the spiritual children of the devil...they experienced spiritual death.
Please read Genesis 6:5, this will explain how God saw man after the fall. The curse of Cain is in Genesis 4 - it also includes the beginning of multiple mates, with Lamech taking on two wives - which indeed was not God's plan, but the desire of a natural (innate) sinful spirit that dwells in all who are not SAVED!
Also, read John 8:44 - it reinforces what the nature of man is. However, when you are born again you take on the nature of God. Thak you for this opportunity to minister to myself.
 
Girl you better not let ANY man treat you like that. I was also a victom of a cheater who I found pictures of and was fired from a very good job because he came to my work and yelled at me for an hour while I cried. Turns out that whole time he was yelling at me for "accusing" him I was completely right.

I am so sick and tired of women not standing up to their blantently disrespectful, irresonsible, ungodly men. Put your big girl pants on. Don't allow abuse! You can pray your way through it (as you should) but you better lay down the law and give these men consequences for their actions. Otherwise I'm sorry, but you're only doing it to yourself because he's getting away with it. You're pregnant to! Time to think about your health and your babies.
 
Sorry to hear about the troubles, misscurly. Here's my viewpoint, which I will admit is different from other people's posted so far.

Three weeks after we got married(a week after moving to a whole new place, I moved out of my parents house to another state for him) I caught my husband online chatting with a hooker. He told me she was just a friend, I let it pass. A few months after that, I found out that he was posting casual sex ads online with naked pictures of himself. I flipped, he told me that he needed the attention. I let it pass. A few months later, I found out that he also had a second email account I wasn't supposed to know about, dirty talking with other women. Oh dear Lord, how I cried that day. He again said it was his attention issue, I let it pass. Keep in mind all this time I was not Christian, and I was a stripper, of all things. So I knew what women could do to married men. I was good at it. So it's a miracle that we made it even past the first 6 months!

The pictures, and your husband's problem with setting boundaries with women, if it were the old me I would have accused my husband too. But I found out the real reason behind it. It's commitment issues. Not necessarily his, but you don't trust him enough to believe that he will be faithful. You're not respecting his ability to make a good decision for himself. I know his family has all these problems, but you didn't marry the family, you married him. If they don't like you, that's their loss. Still doesn't give you the right to point out their mistakes, that's just putting someone else down so you feel a little higher on the morality ladder. Doesn't actually put you any higher. You get married for better or for worse, until death do you part. It's your job to respect him(Ephesians 5:22-33) and his job to love you, but just because he acts like he doesn't love you as much doesn't give you a right to disrespect him. If there is a problem with him, I'm sure the counsellor will fix it, but it's not your job to be his boss, or teacher.

He yelled at you, but so what? He just needed to get those things off his chest. You said yourself that afterwards he calmed down. Yes, he goes to clubs now, but he comes home to you, doesn't he? I think he still loves you, just doesn't know how to act around you, knowing that you're still suspicious of him.

Tell him that you admire his manliness. Tell him that you appreciate his presence, especially with the baby. Tell him that you appreciate his courage to talk things out with the counsellor. Tell him that you're sorry if you ever made him feel disrespected and that you didn't mean it. Tell him that you married him for better or for worse, and that although it's not the best of times right now you're going to stick by him.

I understand this is a lot of you telling him good things and that you're sorry, but the thing is, there's nothing you can do to make him say he's sorry unless you're willing to break an arm or a leg(not recommended, plus it won't be a real apology anyway). Realize that you only have control over your own actions.

My husband is ex military so I like to put it this way. "Love is a battlefield - who's your enemy?" Your enemy is not your husband. You're "battle buddies for life"
 
For me (from past expeirence) would be the fact that he didnt tell you. If he has female friends. Fine. Whatever. Its the fact he hid the time he hung out with her that would be a big red flag in my book.
Keep praying. God is bigger than the sister, the brother, the inlaws, and yes, the female friends.
 
gonna be praying misscurly. im so sorry and hope things will improve.
pics can be misleadin though. i kinda wanna see the facebook one to see if you got the wrong end of the stick but im sure you didnt. also, the in laws shouldnt intefere, I hope its all dealt with in an adult way from now on and wish you the best of luck in your future. xx
 
OStF said:
Sorry to hear about the troubles, misscurly. Here's my viewpoint, which I will admit is different from other people's posted so far.

Three weeks after we got married(a week after moving to a whole new place, I moved out of my parents house to another state for him) I caught my husband online chatting with a hooker. He told me she was just a friend, I let it pass. A few months after that, I found out that he was posting casual sex ads online with naked pictures of himself. I flipped, he told me that he needed the attention. I let it pass. A few months later, I found out that he also had a second email account I wasn't supposed to know about, dirty talking with other women. Oh dear Lord, how I cried that day. He again said it was his attention issue, I let it pass. Keep in mind all this time I was not Christian, and I was a stripper, of all things. So I knew what women could do to married men. I was good at it. So it's a miracle that we made it even past the first 6 months!

The pictures, and your husband's problem with setting boundaries with women, if it were the old me I would have accused my husband too. But I found out the real reason behind it. It's commitment issues. Not necessarily his, but you don't trust him enough to believe that he will be faithful. You're not respecting his ability to make a good decision for himself. I know his family has all these problems, but you didn't marry the family, you married him. If they don't like you, that's their loss. Still doesn't give you the right to point out their mistakes, that's just putting someone else down so you feel a little higher on the morality ladder. Doesn't actually put you any higher. You get married for better or for worse, until death do you part. It's your job to respect him(Ephesians 5:22-33) and his job to love you, but just because he acts like he doesn't love you as much doesn't give you a right to disrespect him. If there is a problem with him, I'm sure the counsellor will fix it, but it's not your job to be his boss, or teacher.

He yelled at you, but so what? He just needed to get those things off his chest. You said yourself that afterwards he calmed down. Yes, he goes to clubs now, but he comes home to you, doesn't he? I think he still loves you, just doesn't know how to act around you, knowing that you're still suspicious of him.

Tell him that you admire his manliness. Tell him that you appreciate his presence, especially with the baby. Tell him that you appreciate his courage to talk things out with the counsellor. Tell him that you're sorry if you ever made him feel disrespected and that you didn't mean it. Tell him that you married him for better or for worse, and that although it's not the best of times right now you're going to stick by him.

I understand this is a lot of you telling him good things and that you're sorry, but the thing is, there's nothing you can do to make him say he's sorry unless you're willing to break an arm or a leg(not recommended, plus it won't be a real apology anyway). Realize that you only have control over your own actions.

My husband is ex military so I like to put it this way. "Love is a battlefield - who's your enemy?" Your enemy is not your husband. You're "battle buddies for life"
Click to expand...
Your right! Blame the victim.
 
I will keep you in my prayers. I wish I could offer you advice, or insight, but my own marriage ended 2 and a half weeks ago, and im still having alot of hurt and angry feelings of my own. My best advice, is prayer. God can get us through anything. The fact that he is going to a christian counceler with you is a good sign. Mine is an unbeliever, and also refused any type of counceling. Take care.
 
Clou said:
Also, what you need to realize is, ALL MEN WILL CHEAT IF THEY KNEW THEY COULD GET AWAY WITH IT!
Click to expand...

With all due respect, I strongly disagree with this statement. I feel for you with any personal experiences you may be speaking from although labeling All men christian or otherwise as potential cheaters would be a speculative biased statement based solely upon personal opinion.
Speaking from personal experience, many of my close male friends whom I have know for even as much as over 20 yrs as well as myself have never, nor would they ever cheat on their spouse or even a girlfriend "even if given an opportunity where they wouldn't get caught."
Even if God himself turned a blind eye, knowing in your heart that cheating is wrong and disrespectful in the highest is what keeps us from doing such a thing to somebody you care for and love.

Faithfulness is an endearing quality many men (including myself) still possess and value in themselves and honor even today.
I could liken it to suggesting all women would shoot their husband for cheating if they knew they could get away with it...... but that simply wouldn't be accurate or true.
I wonder if some may even instead forgive as Christ forgave the adulterous woman when the Pharisees brought her before him, then the Pharisees letting her go on their own accord after Jesus pointed out that none of us are without sin. John 8:1-11

Remember also Matthew 7:1-2
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

We shouldn't attempt to make generalized presumptions of acts someone MAY commit based upon their gender simply from our own personal experiences.
God bless :)
 
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Clou said:
Your right! Blame the victim.
Click to expand...

I'm not blaming anyone. I'm just saying she only has control over what she does. As I mentioned, you could probably get him to say sorry and behave if you're willing to break a couple limbs but I don't think that's what she wants to do. Plus if she wants to get out of the marriage that's her prerogative but I thought she posted on here because she wanted encouragement to stay in the marriage and to make it better. A marriage should never be battle of the sexes.
 
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