S
stevecantdecide
Guest
I hoping someone can help me.
I’m 54, my wife is 53. We have been married for almost 28 years. We have 4 children, the youngest is 21. We married one year after meeting each other. I thought I loved her, but I now realize that I did not even know what it meant to be in love. She knew she didn’t love me, but thought she would as time went by. We started having children right away and had 4 within 6 years. The problems started almost immediately. I treated her like a sex object. She pulled away from me because of how I treated her. We did not communicate very well at that time. I had a problem with pornography at that time and the more she refused me sexually, the more I indulged in that lifestyle.
After 10 years of this, she was depressed and did not know what to do. Then she met someone, a neighbor, who was also married and unhappy in his marriage. He met every need of hers that I was not meeting. This affair went on for about 3 years before I, and his wife, discovered it. They both decided to end the affair and stay married. What my wife told at that time was that she does not love me, will never love me, but will stay married to me for the kids sake. Since I did not want a divorce I agreed. At this point, even though all of this, I loved her and wanted her to love me. I thought by staying together, not only would it be better for the kids, she might someday love me.
Our relationship actually improved after this. We talked all the time. I confessed to her all the things I had done, strip clubs, porn, etc. She talked about her affair. How she didn’t know what else to do. How, without him in her life, she would have divorced me. She helped change me into the man I am today. I no longer indulge in any of the things I did. I’m a very loving and kind man. I love my kids. They love me. My wife is my best friend. The thing is though, we are only friends. We have separate rooms, we don’t hold hands, kiss or hug. Also, she never really ended the affair. He is still in her life. They communicate regularly. A few years ago, after I found phone records of them talking, she proposed this. She asked if I would allow her to see him again. She thought that she could convince him to leave his marriage, then we would divorce and I could find someone who could love me. I agreed. I didn’t know what else to do. I still did not want a divorce. She would meet him for lunch and has been on 5 different, week long, out of town, business trips with him.
So now, after almost 3 years of trying, she realizes that he will never leave his wife. I have told her that I will not allow her to see him anymore. She hasn’t seen him since their last trip, over 6 months ago. She says she wants to end it, knows she should, but it is very hard. He has been a part of her life for over 15 years. She says she wants to stay married to me, but she says she will never love me. We will never have more then we have now.
As I read what I have written, I realize how foolish this must look. How it looks like I have been used by her. But I have become a better man through all this. A better father. I have grown to love her, even with all she has done. I want so much to be loved by her. I want to be married to the mother of my children. To the grandmother of my future grandchildren. But through all this, I have lost all hope that she will ever love me.
Am I being selfish? Am I only thinking of myself? Should I stay with her for the sake of our kids and grandkids? Should I stay with her because she stayed with me and helped me through all of the issues I had? Should I stay because she may actually be able to end her relationship with this other guy and maybe, one day, she will find some love for me?
I don’t know what to do. I think about this every day. I am torn, conflicted. Afraid. Lonely.
I’m 54, my wife is 53. We have been married for almost 28 years. We have 4 children, the youngest is 21. We married one year after meeting each other. I thought I loved her, but I now realize that I did not even know what it meant to be in love. She knew she didn’t love me, but thought she would as time went by. We started having children right away and had 4 within 6 years. The problems started almost immediately. I treated her like a sex object. She pulled away from me because of how I treated her. We did not communicate very well at that time. I had a problem with pornography at that time and the more she refused me sexually, the more I indulged in that lifestyle.
After 10 years of this, she was depressed and did not know what to do. Then she met someone, a neighbor, who was also married and unhappy in his marriage. He met every need of hers that I was not meeting. This affair went on for about 3 years before I, and his wife, discovered it. They both decided to end the affair and stay married. What my wife told at that time was that she does not love me, will never love me, but will stay married to me for the kids sake. Since I did not want a divorce I agreed. At this point, even though all of this, I loved her and wanted her to love me. I thought by staying together, not only would it be better for the kids, she might someday love me.
Our relationship actually improved after this. We talked all the time. I confessed to her all the things I had done, strip clubs, porn, etc. She talked about her affair. How she didn’t know what else to do. How, without him in her life, she would have divorced me. She helped change me into the man I am today. I no longer indulge in any of the things I did. I’m a very loving and kind man. I love my kids. They love me. My wife is my best friend. The thing is though, we are only friends. We have separate rooms, we don’t hold hands, kiss or hug. Also, she never really ended the affair. He is still in her life. They communicate regularly. A few years ago, after I found phone records of them talking, she proposed this. She asked if I would allow her to see him again. She thought that she could convince him to leave his marriage, then we would divorce and I could find someone who could love me. I agreed. I didn’t know what else to do. I still did not want a divorce. She would meet him for lunch and has been on 5 different, week long, out of town, business trips with him.
So now, after almost 3 years of trying, she realizes that he will never leave his wife. I have told her that I will not allow her to see him anymore. She hasn’t seen him since their last trip, over 6 months ago. She says she wants to end it, knows she should, but it is very hard. He has been a part of her life for over 15 years. She says she wants to stay married to me, but she says she will never love me. We will never have more then we have now.
As I read what I have written, I realize how foolish this must look. How it looks like I have been used by her. But I have become a better man through all this. A better father. I have grown to love her, even with all she has done. I want so much to be loved by her. I want to be married to the mother of my children. To the grandmother of my future grandchildren. But through all this, I have lost all hope that she will ever love me.
Am I being selfish? Am I only thinking of myself? Should I stay with her for the sake of our kids and grandkids? Should I stay with her because she stayed with me and helped me through all of the issues I had? Should I stay because she may actually be able to end her relationship with this other guy and maybe, one day, she will find some love for me?
I don’t know what to do. I think about this every day. I am torn, conflicted. Afraid. Lonely.
)