C
Cairparavel
Guest
I just wanted to say sorry for too much info I have provided in some of my posts. I wanted to erase several of them, but with the 5 minute window I can't now and must live with them. I am bipolar and probably don't have all my moodiness really under control. I used to take many medications, but by the grace of God I have not needed them to survive on a daily basis. I weaned myself off the last remaining one i was on 3 years ago and have been trying to eat a cleaner heathier, non-processed food diet. (My liver i'm sure has been taking its toll by all the medications over the years.)
Despite the fact that i'm currently not delusional or "out of touch" with reality, unfortunately the ups and downs have still remained. Also i think I have some form of depression. Most of the time all i can think about is that this is NOT my home and i want to go home right NOW! But God won't let me and i can't kill myself or I would be separted from God forever in hell which is what i don't want..and God too i'm sure. So i keep hanging by a thread every day. I feel like i have no purpose or specific gifts. Some days are better than others, but i cry for one reason or another on a daily basis. Every day i cry, but sometimes i go 2 whole days without crying.
I have complained about not having any female friends in my life, let alone "Christian" friends and my family is a combo of Athiest and non-practicing Catholics. Boo hoo. Poor little me. High school friends were a joke and have never heard from them again, but in college where I first met Christ I had some really close friendships for the very first time in my life in a really neat group called GCF (Gaucho Christian Fellowship) a branch of InterVarsity Fellowship. It was an awesome new and growing time for me. (I was raised in a very secular household before I was saved my freshmen year) But when I moved back home we lost touch and no one wanted to use a phone, apparantely. They went on with their lives and forgot about me. When I popped on Facebook they were like "oh there you are". My parents phone number has never changed. They could've called it. I lost their numbers and maybe they lost mine. Recently i quit facebook and restarted it under the same name, but mainly to focus on music and to catch up on various bands and musicians...and also to keep in touch with my daughter's friend's parents' and husband's family members.
I made a few aquaintances back in my hometown and hopped from church to church trying to find the right one. These aquaintances also did not last. My husband is the only one who has remained. I was hopitalized 4 more times since my first time the summer after my Soph year in Austria. Also, I backslid quite a few times all along this time. Not having any Christian friends or family is NO excuse for running away from the Lord or falling into addiction of some kind or another. Being shy really doesn't help when u desperately need to meet people and make friends.
So I just thought I'd share a little more background info and apologize for oversharing. I feel like crap because i can't undo what's been done. I have said some negative, but honest things about my husband that i should've only shared with a counselor when the time is right and money not so tight. Yes, i write poetry too, but it doesn't always ryhme. This blog post is probably also set in stone..so here goes nothin'!!! here i post!
I wrote this a few months ago, btw, but it I recently noticed it got saved as a draft first. I didn't really ad much since then, but still wanted to share more about me...since i love to "overshare" lol And as an update, i don't cry every day anymore. Recently God told me that my life's suffering is not in vain. And of course He has a purpose for me still. I'm know i'm still here for a reason. Praise God!
Despite the fact that i'm currently not delusional or "out of touch" with reality, unfortunately the ups and downs have still remained. Also i think I have some form of depression. Most of the time all i can think about is that this is NOT my home and i want to go home right NOW! But God won't let me and i can't kill myself or I would be separted from God forever in hell which is what i don't want..and God too i'm sure. So i keep hanging by a thread every day. I feel like i have no purpose or specific gifts. Some days are better than others, but i cry for one reason or another on a daily basis. Every day i cry, but sometimes i go 2 whole days without crying.
I have complained about not having any female friends in my life, let alone "Christian" friends and my family is a combo of Athiest and non-practicing Catholics. Boo hoo. Poor little me. High school friends were a joke and have never heard from them again, but in college where I first met Christ I had some really close friendships for the very first time in my life in a really neat group called GCF (Gaucho Christian Fellowship) a branch of InterVarsity Fellowship. It was an awesome new and growing time for me. (I was raised in a very secular household before I was saved my freshmen year) But when I moved back home we lost touch and no one wanted to use a phone, apparantely. They went on with their lives and forgot about me. When I popped on Facebook they were like "oh there you are". My parents phone number has never changed. They could've called it. I lost their numbers and maybe they lost mine. Recently i quit facebook and restarted it under the same name, but mainly to focus on music and to catch up on various bands and musicians...and also to keep in touch with my daughter's friend's parents' and husband's family members.
I made a few aquaintances back in my hometown and hopped from church to church trying to find the right one. These aquaintances also did not last. My husband is the only one who has remained. I was hopitalized 4 more times since my first time the summer after my Soph year in Austria. Also, I backslid quite a few times all along this time. Not having any Christian friends or family is NO excuse for running away from the Lord or falling into addiction of some kind or another. Being shy really doesn't help when u desperately need to meet people and make friends.
So I just thought I'd share a little more background info and apologize for oversharing. I feel like crap because i can't undo what's been done. I have said some negative, but honest things about my husband that i should've only shared with a counselor when the time is right and money not so tight. Yes, i write poetry too, but it doesn't always ryhme. This blog post is probably also set in stone..so here goes nothin'!!! here i post!
I wrote this a few months ago, btw, but it I recently noticed it got saved as a draft first. I didn't really ad much since then, but still wanted to share more about me...since i love to "overshare" lol And as an update, i don't cry every day anymore. Recently God told me that my life's suffering is not in vain. And of course He has a purpose for me still. I'm know i'm still here for a reason. Praise God!