I remember feeling like that. I remember knowing that if I had a gun, I may well have put a bullet in my brain to stop the thoughts that endlessly went through it. I remember wondering, and pondering for many years, and agonizing over the meaning of my life: what was it supposed to be? I remember feeling so empty and lost, and not knowing what to do about it. I remember feeling like I should know, how could I not know, why did I not know??? I remember feeling like I had no words to say how I really felt. I remember thinking it would be futile to attempt to do so. I remember endeavoring to run from, forget, and/or dull the pain through drinking, drugging, and relationships. I remember alcohol poisoning, and a few drug overdoses. I remember failed relationships. I remember coming to the end of myself. I remember God revealing Himself to me, imparting to me the understanding that He knew everything there was to know about me, that He knew every decision I had ever made that brought me to this place of feeling so useless, worthless, and broken. I remember feeling His unconditional love for me. I remember how it filled my entire body, and how I wept to experience it, knowing how unworthy of it I was. I remember that He forgave me even though I could not forgive myself. I remember thinking, I don't believe in that God, but I cherished none-the-less the knowledge that God loved me. I remember thinking, there must be something else. I remember looking for that something else for many years. I remember coming to the end of myself, again. I remember crying out to God, that God I did not believe in, for help. I remember that within days I was clean and sober. I remember then turning more intentionally to others for help, and going places where I could listen to people articulate their life's circumstances and their suffering. I remember they spoke of a solution, but I could not hear it. I remember they said, "Keep coming back," so I did. I remember them telling me it gets better, and it has. I remember loving listening to people tell their God stories. I remember coming to believe. I remember that God loved me at my worst, upheld me at my lowest, and directed me when I asked for help, as long as I was willing. I hope the same for you.
I think you would learn much from Solomon's Ecclesiastes (he reaches your same feelings but the conclusion gives you the answer to begin to focus on.
There are many who know a great deal about what is going on...
