I met someone....struggling with triggers

[JesusFreak1992]

Hey guys and girls! So I met someone at work and he treats me amazingly. Well after awhile I started falling in love with him (had butterflies, anxiety, sick to my stomach, could feel my heart beating out of my chest) I self sabotaged the relationship and wrote him all of these things thru text; which should have been told to him thru the phone or in person. He got hurt by my words and was also confused.

You see I just got finished with a divorce in 2020 and it was abusive. I also had fallen in love with my best friend of 14 years and had realized it too late and he rejected me. I got sick with a mental illness and lost touch with reality for a year because of PTSD and drug use. I was made to feel worthless by my ex husband and he changed how I thought about myself. Now I'm insecure and ruining things with this new man. He said he respects me and that he forgives me but things are different. I know it will take time....but I'm afraid of getting hurt again.

How do I not feel like I must be perfect? I've been praying alot and I know that only Jesus is perfect. But it's hard to unlearn all of these things that were embedded in my mind for years.

 

[Gojira]

Maybe... maybe... and this will not be easy... you will need to find a good Christian counselor to talk to first (not that I have a lot of faith in most counselors or psychologists, but I think every so often you can hit gold), then pursue a relationship. Maybe now you're not ready.

Ultimately though it may depend on this man and how much he's willing to take, how much patience he has. If he can stick with you as you seek out some sort of counseling to help you start to heal, then good for you.

Otherwise, in my opinion, it may be necessary to put romantic relationships on hold for a time. I know... easier said than done.

By the way... where've you been?

 

[JesusFreak1992]

Maybe... maybe... and this will not be easy... you will need to find a good Christian counselor to talk to first (not that I have a lot of faith in most counselors or psychologists, but I think every so often you can hit gold), then pursue a relationship. Maybe now you're not ready.

Ultimately though it may depend on this man and how much he's willing to take, how much patience he has. If he can stick with you as you seek out some sort of counseling to help you start to heal, then good for you.

Otherwise, in my opinion, it may be necessary to put romantic relationships on hold for a time. I know... easier said than done.

By the way... where've you been?

I actually have an awesome Christian counselor and am making great strides!!! I feel like he is willing to be patient.Ive been struggling emotionally and mentally for awhile

 

[Gojira]

I actually have an awesome Christian counselor and am making great strides!!! I feel like he is willing to be patient.Ive been struggling emotionally and mentally for awhile

Okay.... good.

 

[SimpleSheep]

I get bad anxiety sometimes. I have also struggled with feeling worthless. It's not easy and I'm sorry you're going through this. I have found that reading the Bible really helped me feel better.
You can also read Christian books by trusted authors. I really like Charles Stanley. I also enjoy John MacArthur and Elisabeth Elliot. I'll link the daily devotions by Charles Stanley for you.
https://www.intouch.org/read/daily-devotions

I do agree with Gojira in that maybe you're not ready yet. I personally would work on this before getting involved with another man. But if you feel like he's from God, then just take it one day at a time. Depend on the Lord for your strength. I read today that we are only complete in Him. I thought that was pretty cool because I'm always feeling incomplete.

Repeat to yourself verses that help you. For example some of mine are...

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord. " - Psalm 40: 2-3

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." -2 Tim 1:7

Psalm 23 is good too! Just look up "verses for anxiety" (or fear or depression etc.) and read those. Try to memorize them or have the basic idea in your head. So when I sense an anxiety attack I start thinking about these verses. I hope this helps you too.

If a man is abusive, it's better to leave him. You can be happy being single. I'm not saying this guy is abusive but I felt like I should tell you that. Here is another link that tells you what to look out for. I've been in that situation too with an online relationship I had years ago.
https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/domestic-abuse-warning-signs/

 

[TabinRivCA]

My first thought is that we aren't what other (who are imperfect themselves) say about us. It's their flaw to even go there. We are children of the Most High God and joint heirs with Jesus. We have the Holy Spirit in us and it should send off red flags when someone has to resort to demeaning the other one. They aren't qualified to be anyone's critic or judge.
As far as your current love interest, you guys are still young and should be understanding of each other. If there is any real connection between you then it will be fine. I'm assuming he's Christian so I'd continue praying, even in tongues if you do, asking the Lord for guidance and His will to be done in the relationship.
It's easy to fall in love, esp when we're vulnerable, but make sure you know a lot about this person before committing your feelings.
Remember your a daughter of Jehovah, a Blood bought beautiful lady and He cares for you. Pray for God's will and help through this, then put your trust in Him and no more worrying. God bless you @JesusFreak1992 ❣

 

[EternalFire]

Hey guys and girls! So I met someone at work and he treats me amazingly. Well after awhile I started falling in love with him (had butterflies, anxiety, sick to my stomach, could feel my heart beating out of my chest).

How often do the two of you spend time together in prayer?

How frequently are you reading the scripture together?

How does your Christian counselor feel about your relationship with this man?

 

[Magenta]

Depend on the Lord for your strength.

Psalm 73:25-26

 

[JesusFreak1992]

How often do the two of you spend time together in prayer? Well we are only two weeks into the relationship but I have asked him to pray with me in the future and he said he would love to.

How frequently are you reading the scripture together?
I mentioned devotionals and he agreed to them; i just haven't done it yet because of personal issues.

How does your Christian counselor feel about your relationship with this man?

She is happy about this. I've only talked to her once about it but I see her again today so we will see.

 

[Lynx]

Hey guys and girls! So I met someone at work and he treats me amazingly. Well after awhile I started falling in love with him (had butterflies, anxiety, sick to my stomach, could feel my heart beating out of my chest) I self sabotaged the relationship and wrote him all of these things thru text; which should have been told to him thru the phone or in person. He got hurt by my words and was also confused.

You see I just got finished with a divorce in 2020 and it was abusive. I also had fallen in love with my best friend of 14 years and had realized it too late and he rejected me. I got sick with a mental illness and lost touch with reality for a year because of PTSD and drug use. I was made to feel worthless by my ex husband and he changed how I thought about myself. Now I'm insecure and ruining things with this new man. He said he respects me and that he forgives me but things are different. I know it will take time....but I'm afraid of getting hurt again.

How do I not feel like I must be perfect? I've been praying alot and I know that only Jesus is perfect. But it's hard to unlearn all of these things that were embedded in my mind for years.

I recall a thread in the past where you had the same kind of problem last time you met somebody.

Go back to the last time and find lessons you learned that you can apply this time.

 

[EternalFire]

She is happy about this. I've only talked to her once about it but I see her again today so we will see.

Thanks for the response. Please do keep us updated.

I encourage you to spend some time pondering what is said in these two videos, particularly when it comes to setting boundaries.

 

[Lanolin]

I agree with what Tabinrivca wrote...who made this man (the ex, and now the current interest) judge and jury of your life?

its what God thinks of you that matters, not what anyone else says or thinks.

When we're around people the things we say or do are likely to offend someone EVEN when we are perfect - Jesus wasnt liked or even much loved by everyone, all the time. This was even true of his own family members, including his mother!

 

[Magenta]

How do I not feel like I must be perfect?

There's probably nothing like love to make you feel unworthy.

Getting comfortable in your own skin can take time.

I may have asked you this before: do you have any support groups?

 

[Gojira]

How do I not feel like I must be perfect?

Well, is everyone else perfect? Then you need to get to work to catch up.

But, if everyone else is imperfect, why are you obligated to become perfect? Who is anyone else to judge you when they're just as flawed? Plus, your thinking suggests that you must become better than every other human just to be their equal.

 

[stilllearning]

Hey guys and girls! So I met someone at work and he treats me amazingly. Well after awhile I started falling in love with him (had butterflies, anxiety, sick to my stomach, could feel my heart beating out of my chest) I self sabotaged the relationship and wrote him all of these things thru text; which should have been told to him thru the phone or in person. He got hurt by my words and was also confused.

You see I just got finished with a divorce in 2020 and it was abusive. I also had fallen in love with my best friend of 14 years and had realized it too late and he rejected me. I got sick with a mental illness and lost touch with reality for a year because of PTSD and drug use. I was made to feel worthless by my ex husband and he changed how I thought about myself. Now I'm insecure and ruining things with this new man. He said he respects me and that he forgives me but things are different. I know it will take time....but I'm afraid of getting hurt again.

How do I not feel like I must be perfect? I've been praying alot and I know that only Jesus is perfect. But it's hard to unlearn all of these things that were embedded in my mind for years.

I applaud you, I truly do. I find you are being honest with yourself and agree with your analysis of yourself. You are intense and may be more than what most people are used to. So I agree you probably did need to break your feelings in slow to him and in a actual conversation.

I would think you only done so in text because you want to be honest with him but have had bad experiences just making yourself that vulnerable in conversations. So you chose a buffer to lesson his answer which your past experiences told you that he may reject you. Or see your vulnerability and use it to against you. So it is understandable you wanted a buffer to protect yourself.

I understand the feeling to be perfect is like you said the fear and not knowing how to change and that change seems that impossible, the impossibility of being perfect. Take a deep breath and tell yourself to not jump to conclusions, you by your own admission dropped a lot on him. So he will need time to process all of it.

I don't know the man but can tell you how sometime guys take it and what we hear when we have a lot dropped on us. We hear what you have told us and wonder can we be what you need do we have the ability or tools to be that person. So is that what he is thinking I have no clue just wanna let ya know that the negative feelings you are feeling right now about your decision and how you may have ruined this relationship, they could be a lie.

So give him a chance to process and continue to be honest with him and yourself as your currently doing. Also give him time to process what you have already told and don't add more. Human nature is to feel the need to suddenly sell ourselves and want to keep talking. So let him process and just answer truthfully any questions he may have. I fully expect that you have been honest and explained your past experiences and how it makes you see your current situation and him. So he has enough info to ponder and answer the questions he has in his own mind. So just let him process because rushing a response or answer only gets a rushed answer and so it may not be a full and honest answer because it was rushed.

I would also rest in the Lord and let him ease your mind so that you don't sabotage yourself. I will also add you to my prayers that you be able to rest in the Lord and his wisdom speak louder than your own mind and thoughts. Also don't beat yourself up that you are intense and do oft have a lot of pieces in play. That is just your personality and is nothing right or wrong about it. Just who you are so no need to feel like you have to change that. You come across that you think you may need to reign it in some, reading and praying and trusting our Lord will do that as you say you are doing. Also seeking some Godly counsel will do the same which you say you are doing.

So you are making good choices in that area. So my advice would be just let this gentleman process and keep reliant upon our Lord because he loves us and his goal is to make us into his image and makes us like him. So your best is his will and he knows just what it will take and how to bring us to a place we have to rely and trust him. I will be praying for you and just wanna say again you are making wise decisions to give this to God and to seek Godly counsel.

 

[justahumanbeing]

Anything said by text is well, things could always go south that way. When you confess love to someone, you have to say it to the person's face. The tone matters. Exchange of facial expressions and an assessment of how they react to what you say. It all matters. But you've already done what you've done. That's okay. Life is not about being perfect. Just be yourself. The right person will love you for who you are. Not who you want to be before that person. Don't worry. Not the first time that it happened under the sun and won't be the last time either.

It's not wrong what you did. You were honest. You didn't lie. Don't feel bad about it. Leave it be. The ball is in his court. Love is taking a jump and hoping to land on the arms of the person you love and not on the ground. You should follow up and stick it to him. Tell him that those are your feelings. And that you genuinely love him.

If you had done that in person, then just leave it be. If it's meant to be, God will bring the 2 of you together. If not, God has better plans for you and the person you love. Best of luck and God bless you.

 

[JesusFreak1992]

Thanks everyone for your responses. We are doing well again and I just got back from window shopping with him! No stress and I feel we are becoming closer!

 

[Asterismos]

I'm sorry you went through that queen of hearts. No one is judging you. Theirs no law for love as stipulated in Corinthians. In 1997 I became detached from reality. I fell in love with girl. I couldn't see the truth that she was gold digger, just using me as piggy bank. It was deception and lies. I was very hurt from this. I cut off contact in 1998. I learned from my mistakes. Just before my dad died in 2011, he told me, I had nothing to prove to him. Just learn from your mistakes. The best friend you will have is Jesus. He forgives sins by repentance, and loves it when child of light talks to Him. Queen of hearts, tell Jesus what's in your heart. Take care.

 

[JesusFreak1992]

I'm sorry you went through that queen of hearts. No one is judging you. Theirs no law for love as stipulated in Corinthians. In 1997 I became detached from reality. I fell in love with girl. I couldn't see the truth that she was gold digger, just using me as piggy bank. It was deception and lies. I was very hurt from this. I cut off contact in 1998. I learned from my mistakes. Just before my dad died in 2011, he told me, I had nothing to prove to him. Just learn from your mistakes. The best friend you will have is Jesus. He forgives sins by repentance, and loves it when child of light talks to Him. Queen of hearts, tell Jesus what's in your heart. Take care.

I really needed to hear this. thank you

 

[Magenta]

Anything said by text is well, things could always go south that way. When you confess love to someone, you have to say it to the person's face.
The tone matters. Exchange of facial expressions and an assessment of how they react to what you say. It all matters. But you've already done
what you've done. That's okay. Life is not about being perfect. Just be yourself. The right person will love you for who you are. Not who you want
to be before that person. Don't worry. Not the first time that it happened under the sun and won't be the last time either.

It's not wrong what you did. You were honest. You didn't lie. Don't feel bad about it. Leave it be. The ball is in his court. Love is taking a jump and hoping to land on the arms of the person you love and not on the ground. You should follow up and stick it to him. Tell him that those are your feelings. And that you genuinely love him.

If you had done that in person, then just leave it be. If it's meant to be, God will bring the 2 of you together. If not, God has better plans for you and the person you love. Best of luck and God bless you.

Ecclesiastes 1:9-10