S
I'm blessed beyond anything I deserve. I have a great family, great job, great home..........and great home life. But I just feel so disgusted with myself.
I accepted Christ at a very young age. And was raised in church, had a very good upbringing. I have no excuses to tie me to the personal failures that continually haunt me.
I drink too much. And I know better because alcohol abuse runs in my family. I lost a grandfather because he drank too much.
I also have several sexual issues I wish I could put behind me. Pornography addiction is the only thing I'll admit to right here and now, but it goes much deeper. Nothing illegal, mind you. But it's stuff I'm not proud of. It's stuff that I fear will cripple me.
My whole lifestyle for the most part disgusts me. And I don't want to go through the motions of some fake and phony "re-dedication" commitment. I've done that before. I really don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't have any strong Christian men in my life that I'd be comfortable going to for accountability. That's not to say I don't have Christian men in my life, it's just that some are too close for me to ever open up to and be 100% honest with.
I've completely checked out on going to church. Not that I believe attendance correlates in any way to living a more Christlike walk. The last few preachers I've gotten close to have ended up being in far worse shape than even I'm in. It's hard to go for council with a person who's own life is a complete sham.
I want to be a better person. And I don't think any of the stupid stuff I've done has compromised my salvation. But I want to be a better person. I don't want to always feel like I'm so filthy dirty with sin and shame that I need some sort of supernatural bath to wash it all away.
What at do I do? How do I handle this? I'm not happy right now, where I'm at. I'm ashamed of what I'll do when no one is watching and I'm left to my own devises. And no amount of wanting to do right up to this point has ever made me refrain from doing wrong. Granted, I do okay for a while. In the past when I've came to these crossroads I'll be a good person for a while. But I always end up back where I've once again found myself.
Who ho wants to strike up an accountability relationship with a 49 year old man? I prefer you also be a male, I don't trust myself with women in what will eventually become an intimate setting. I need someone to turn to when I'm on the way home and driving by the liquor store and not stopping don't seem like an option. I need someone to turn to when I'm alone and bored with time on my hands, times when I may sit and look at porn for hours on end.
Maybe you've been there yourself. Maybe you're going through the same sea of disgust and shame I'm mired in right now. I'm hoping to use the Internet for the first time to make my life better. Up until now, I've never actually done that.........
I accepted Christ at a very young age. And was raised in church, had a very good upbringing. I have no excuses to tie me to the personal failures that continually haunt me.
I drink too much. And I know better because alcohol abuse runs in my family. I lost a grandfather because he drank too much.
I also have several sexual issues I wish I could put behind me. Pornography addiction is the only thing I'll admit to right here and now, but it goes much deeper. Nothing illegal, mind you. But it's stuff I'm not proud of. It's stuff that I fear will cripple me.
My whole lifestyle for the most part disgusts me. And I don't want to go through the motions of some fake and phony "re-dedication" commitment. I've done that before. I really don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't have any strong Christian men in my life that I'd be comfortable going to for accountability. That's not to say I don't have Christian men in my life, it's just that some are too close for me to ever open up to and be 100% honest with.
I've completely checked out on going to church. Not that I believe attendance correlates in any way to living a more Christlike walk. The last few preachers I've gotten close to have ended up being in far worse shape than even I'm in. It's hard to go for council with a person who's own life is a complete sham.
I want to be a better person. And I don't think any of the stupid stuff I've done has compromised my salvation. But I want to be a better person. I don't want to always feel like I'm so filthy dirty with sin and shame that I need some sort of supernatural bath to wash it all away.
What at do I do? How do I handle this? I'm not happy right now, where I'm at. I'm ashamed of what I'll do when no one is watching and I'm left to my own devises. And no amount of wanting to do right up to this point has ever made me refrain from doing wrong. Granted, I do okay for a while. In the past when I've came to these crossroads I'll be a good person for a while. But I always end up back where I've once again found myself.
Who ho wants to strike up an accountability relationship with a 49 year old man? I prefer you also be a male, I don't trust myself with women in what will eventually become an intimate setting. I need someone to turn to when I'm on the way home and driving by the liquor store and not stopping don't seem like an option. I need someone to turn to when I'm alone and bored with time on my hands, times when I may sit and look at porn for hours on end.
Maybe you've been there yourself. Maybe you're going through the same sea of disgust and shame I'm mired in right now. I'm hoping to use the Internet for the first time to make my life better. Up until now, I've never actually done that.........