I need help with small talk.

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Brandon777

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Small talk. It comes naturally to many people, and it also doesn't come at all naturally to others. So if you are one of those people who are good at it, give me some pointers. I know I'm not the only one who has trouble with this. Often, the people who gather on chat sites are the ones who have little social life otherwise. Anyway, I can be a very friendly person when I want to be, but only in comfortable places. I don't feel comfortable being friendly at church, or at large social events where I barely know anyone, but for sake of kindness, I would like to learn how to be more inviting to people. I want to be as unrestrained by social pressures as possible. In other words, if there's a bunch of people that want me to act a certain way I don't want that to affect the way that 1. God wants me to act. 2. I act out of a place of sincerity of joy and loving acceptance of others 3. I act naturally do to practice in being a humble, approachable, mature adult.

Please don't tell me general, vague things like, just be yourself because when I'm in these situations I'm already being myself. I don't have any intention of "being a different person," nor have I ever wanted to do that. I like myself, I just want to change into a more friendly me. I don't know how to be friendly to people I assume to be no good. I admit that I don't have very high ideas about people I don't know. Maybe I should assume strangers aren't going to hurt me if I'm friendly to them. Or maybe I should be friendly and be hurt over and over again just to please God? That doesn't sound like guarding my heart to me. This is a Scriptural issue, and I don't think an easy breezy answer is going to help me. I went to be a camp counselor last year at a Christian summer camp where people my age were most of the workforce and the week we had training where we were expected to bond didn't go very well for me. I specifically remember trying to talk to 5 or 6 different people and I either ran out of things to say, or the other person literally ignored me. I'm not an ugly guy, I may be a bit quiet, but honestly I don't know what the problem was. When it was meal time I tried sitting at every table (about 10) and the same thing happened. I either didn't know what to say, ran out of things to say, or was completely ignored. I have a zero percent charisma rating when it comes to people I don't know. But the thing is, I want to know people so that can change!

I'm a deep thinker, and so when things come out of my mouth when I'm not doing anything ie hanging out somewhere, it's going to be about God or the Bible or the Illuminate. I don't know how to talk small.
 
I need help with the same thing man. But I don't really care how people want me to act. I only care how God wants me to act. So you got the right philosophy right there.
 
I stink at small talk too. :)

When I find myself in situations where I HAVE to do it, asking people questions about themselves seems to work best. Then they end up talking more than you. :)
 
I still don't like large groups, but I found I got a lot better at talking to people just with practice. I think it's like most things in that the more you do it, the better you get at it over time. I'm not great at it now, but I am better than I was.
One little tip is to use your surroundings. As in, mention things around you. Just one example of that would be the old standy, the weather. Sometimes I wonder if God made the weather just so we would have something in common to talk about with everyone. ha. Of course that topic can only last so long. Hopefully the other person has something to say too. After all, conversation is a two way street. I will say it's not fun to try to talk to someone and hardly get anything back. So at least put forth the effort. Even if you crash and burn, at least you gave it a shot. Dust yourself off and try it again. Learn from the last time.
Julianna mentioned asking questions. I also ask lots of questions (I do that with people I know wll too though really). A lot of people love to talk about themselves so that works out well. Ha.

You also mentioned how guarded you are...and private huh? I'm like that too. I'm very careful about who I share personal things with...and often even things other people wouldn't think twice about sharing. I think for someone like that, it can be more challenging as well. It's easier online though....
 
I'm not terribly good at small talk, but I find it handy to take note of various local events, the news, the weather, etc. Hopefully a few remarks pertaining to such things will catch on and develop into a small conversation. A meaningless conversation, mind you, but a conversation at least. And Julianna is right about asking questions. Let them do the talking and hopefully they'll mention something that you'll be able to also give your opinion on.

Most of us Engalnders are well trained to be able to immediately commence discourse on the weather. I don't know if there's a similar cultural go-to topic in America.

Failing that, drinking helps a great deal - seriously. I can be practically mute at social gatherings but a couple of pints loosens my tongue and I can pass for almost friendly.
 
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Drinking alcohol doesn't do anything for me. Neither does drinking coffee. I'm just me I suppose...
 
Well good news, today is your lucky day. I have the "misfortune" of being a master at small talk. I can talk endlessly with most anyone. So I will give you some pointers.

As someone else mentioned, go first with your surroundings. Notice people's clothes. Notice people's nametags. Ask people about the stupid electronic gadgets people are all carrying around these days. When it comes right down to it there are actually too many things to talk about, not too few. Most importantly, let people talk, don't try to get everything in. Remember what was said, and come back to it a few minutes later if you choose when the conversation takes an unexpected turn. People like to talk about places, interests, careers, aspirations, and most of all the entertainment industry. Man to man sports are great or light hearted stories about chicks--- of course with sports it makes it a whole lot easier if you actually watch it. Nothing quite like the outraged "I don't know why he didn't throw on 3rd and 7" type story to really get the outrage going.

You might choose to wear interesting or relevant clothes yourself to get things going. In Canada wearing any NHL jersey during playoff season is a guranteed conversation with at least four strangers a day. What more? I dunno. Stay away from talking about books or giving long or multiple bible quotes in general conversation. Save that for places like the bible discussion section of this site.
 
I thank you verily for your tips. And I realize that I don't like any sports unless I'm the one playing them, so that's out. Not talking about books is easy as I'm not into reading. Not talking about Bible verses is invariably impossible for me. Wearing a sport hat or shirt is not in the options because, again, I'm not into sports unless I'm playing them. Talking about electronic gadgets is the perfect tip for me. I can do that! I'm not at all interested in the entertainment industry, so that explains a LOT! But I can talk about interests, and aspirations/careers.
 
I am awesome at smalltalk.....I am wondering who all is surprised by this one...

but at 3am i got nuttin
 
Yet I get the feeling that someone by the name of CHUCK will come in here and make some type of wisecrack...I am no psychic, but rarely am I ever wrong....

just sayin....
 
Brandon777 said:
Small talk. It comes naturally to many people, and it also doesn't come at all naturally to others. So if you are one of those people who are good at it, give me some pointers. I know I'm not the only one who has trouble with this. Often, the people who gather on chat sites are the ones who have little social life otherwise. Anyway, I can be a very friendly person when I want to be, but only in comfortable places. I don't feel comfortable being friendly at church, or at large social events where I barely know anyone, but for sake of kindness, I would like to learn how to be more inviting to people. I want to be as unrestrained by social pressures as possible. In other words, if there's a bunch of people that want me to act a certain way I don't want that to affect the way that 1. God wants me to act. 2. I act out of a place of sincerity of joy and loving acceptance of others 3. I act naturally do to practice in being a humble, approachable, mature adult.

Please don't tell me general, vague things like, just be yourself because when I'm in these situations I'm already being myself. I don't have any intention of "being a different person," nor have I ever wanted to do that. I like myself, I just want to change into a more friendly me. I don't know how to be friendly to people I assume to be no good. I admit that I don't have very high ideas about people I don't know. Maybe I should assume strangers aren't going to hurt me if I'm friendly to them. Or maybe I should be friendly and be hurt over and over again just to please God? That doesn't sound like guarding my heart to me. This is a Scriptural issue, and I don't think an easy breezy answer is going to help me. I went to be a camp counselor last year at a Christian summer camp where people my age were most of the workforce and the week we had training where we were expected to bond didn't go very well for me. I specifically remember trying to talk to 5 or 6 different people and I either ran out of things to say, or the other person literally ignored me. I'm not an ugly guy, I may be a bit quiet, but honestly I don't know what the problem was. When it was meal time I tried sitting at every table (about 10) and the same thing happened. I either didn't know what to say, ran out of things to say, or was completely ignored. I have a zero percent charisma rating when it comes to people I don't know. But the thing is, I want to know people so that can change!

I'm a deep thinker, and so when things come out of my mouth when I'm not doing anything ie hanging out somewhere, it's going to be about God or the Bible or the Illuminate. I don't know how to talk small.
Click to expand...

I think it is very wise of you to ask this question as to what is the key to small talking. I for one am a fan of the small talk. It's so easy and requires much non thinking you cannot possibly mess it up. The very definition of small talk is to talk...small.

Use lots of prepositions and phrases. For instance " my, what a wonderful day it is, to my utter delight".

Woman: "Why yes, it most certainly is an utterly delightful day"

You " Ok, well, this was great, LATER"...

You have just small talked yourself to date #2
 
chuck7777 said:
I think it is very wise of you to ask this question as to what is the key to small talking. I for one am a fan of the small talk. It's so easy and requires much non thinking you cannot possibly mess it up. The very definition of small talk is to talk...small.

Use lots of prepositions and phrases. For instance " my, what a wonderful day it is, to my utter delight".

Woman: "Why yes, it most certainly is an utterly delightful day"

You " Ok, well, this was great, LATER"...

You have just small talked yourself to date #2
Click to expand...


So Chuck...

#1 Thank you for proving me ot be right,

#B So why is a guy like you single? I mean WOW! What a talker you are! I am fanning myself over here I am in such awe.
 
I am a natural born sales woman, small talk comes to me in my sleep.

However, I am hoping to try Chucks ways as he seems far more smooth that the silky chocolate I am partaking of now.
 
Brandon777 said:
Drinking alcohol doesn't do anything for me.
Click to expand...

Then you need to drink MORE! Even if it doesn't loosen your tongue, you'll probably stop caring about small talk anyway. You'll be more interested in a kebab.
 
I have an exercise for anyone looking to become better at small talk. Go somewhere and talk to someone for the sole purpose of trying to make the conversation last as long as possible. Treat it like drowning and FLAIL to find words to just stay afloat. ANYTHING, EVERYTHING that comes to mind just to keep the other person talking. After awhile it will become second nature and you will find yourself babbling like a complete moron everywhere you go wondering why you have to cut things off all the time or else never get where you are going. That's my life, and while I may have my negative power rating on here, I gurantee this is million dollar advice.

In fact, I actually think people that can't small talk and are single are extremely lucky because they still have the chance of having that moment of the supreme "connection" with the opposite sex. Me? I've already had so many hour long conversations with complete strangers if something "real" came along I wouldn't even recognize it anymore.

When I was younger and a much better person, I once saw this thing on Oprah where a woman said she talked to some guy at a party for an hour and yet he was too dumb to get how much it meant. I said to myself "Wow! Even I'M not so stupid I would talk for a whole hour and not get how much it meant." Then years later, remembering the same story, I laughed having reached the THREE hour mark without anything going anywhere... and its not just my stupidity because I've gone marathon conversations with women only to be shot down in the end so any girl thinking "wow, i've talked 15 minutes with this guy, why doesn't he get it?" needs to understand the awful power of the gab.
 
Ask questions, lots of questions.

The more she talks the less you talk, and most people like talking about themselves.
 
Maddog said:
Then you need to drink MORE! Even if it doesn't loosen your tongue, you'll probably stop caring about small talk anyway. You'll be more interested in a kebab.
Click to expand...

Congratulations on your 1234 post! I'm not going to drink because the Bible says don't be drunk with wine but be filled with the Holy Spirit.
 
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