This is a journal entry that I wrote and thought I would share it with y'all... It's really depressing and long, so if you don't want to read it, that's okay.
"Daddy, I miss you SO much that it literally hurts. I still can’t believe that you’re gone. I know that you’re not suffering anymore and that helps a little bit, but not much. I’m selfish. I wanted you here for me."
He was supposed to have 6 months left to live, not 26 hours. I literally just moved from Fort Bliss, TX, back to Tennessee to be with him. He died the day I arrived. I did not even get to see him!
I didn't even tell him that I was coming because I wanted it to be a surprise.
I didn’t get to see him because I kept putting it off. I was afraid of seeing him because I knew how weak he were. I was working up the courage to go over. So, I went to Walmart and bought a blanket for my new bed. Then I went and bought some Cheerwine because I knew how much he loved it but haven’t drank it in forever. I took my things I bought back to my in-laws house, and then I was on my way. I was on my way!!
I was on the interstate maybe 2-3 minutes when I got the call that he was dying. My heart dropped and I started crying hysterically! I called my mother-in-law to tell her what was going on and she told my husband. My husband and his dad were on there way to meet me at my Dad’s. - I was only 10 minutes away from his house.
I finally arrived at his house… There was two rescue squad trucks, an ambulance, and a fire truck blocking the driveway. So I pulled into the parking lot of this garage next to his house. I literally was jumping out of the car before I realized I didn’t put it in park. I ran up to the porch as fast as I could. I was trying to go into the house, but my step-sister stopped me dead in my tracks. She just held me. My step-mom came out and said that they had a heartbeat… Not even 10 seconds later there was no heartbeat. He was gone. Just like that.
It felt like someone had picked up my world and smashed it into a trillion pieces in front of me. I lost control. I started breathing heavy and then I screamed. Just kept screaming and crying. I started to fall… I was in mid-fall when my step-sister caught me.
Then I found myself asking everyone if he was really gone… I just couldn't believe it.
Finally my husband and his dad showed up, and I ran to them. Hugging my husband so tight and just crying. Then reality sank in for a moment and I got so sick to my stomach that I was dry heaving. It just couldn't be true.
My father-in-law gave me a comforting hug and then left.
My husband walked me back up to the house and I started asking if they were sure he was gone. I couldn’t stop asking that. Then when people would tell me he was gone, I’d start crying hysterically all over again.
The ambulance took him to the hospital just to see if there was anything that they could do. Which there wasn’t.
We all went up to the hospital and said our last goodbyes to him and that was it. My whole entire world disappeared before my eyes.
The funeral was beautiful. He looked peaceful.
Now, here I am missing my dad SOOOO much and I can’t just figure out how to live with it.
I moved back to Fort Bliss, Texas with my husband, of course. The only reason I was going to stay in Tennessee is gone.
He had Pulmonary Fibrosis and that’s what killed him. He was in a panic attack, and that's no good when you have that lung disease. It’s a horrible lung disease. The average life span is 3-5 years. The maximum life span for it is 8-9 years and he lived 8 1/2 with it.
RIP Daddy! <3 June 4th, 1963 - October 12th, 2012"
, and I ask the Lord to give you comfort in that.
