I'm a depressed, suicidal, and anxious girl. I know that suicide is not weak. Suicide is being pushed by the world so far that you can't imagine living anymore. When I have good days, I feel guilty for not feeling depressed. When I have bad days, I feel guilty for not feeling happy. It's like living in a constant foggy and rainy place. Even when it's not storming, it's foggy and you don't know what to do. Suicide is when the pain you feel is so intense you can't possibly live anymore. I know with God all things are possible, but what if you can't feel God??? What if He's doesn't seem to be with you? He's a simple poem I wrote about my journey through depression. This is a journal poem so it can be repetitive at times.
Train Tunnel
The sun's gone away
Is the dark here to stay?
I climb aboard life's train
Gotta get outta the rain
I enter into the dark tunnel
Behind, light disappears like a funnel
I can't see anything
Where is life's bling?
Am I stuck here forever?
Or will this pass like weather?
Even here, my God is with me
Alone, I'll never be
The train keeps going
Though my life is all but glowing
The storm rages in my soul
In me, it's digging a hole
Slowly, time in the tunnel goes by
It does anything but fly
It's dark, I don't know what's around
For me, what things are bound?
There ahead, I see a light
Like a diamond, it's so bright
The light keeps growing
Through the dark, it's glowing
The darkness is back
And my life is but intact
The dark consumes me
Joyful, is something I'll never be
Death is at my door
I can't pretend anymore
Will it take me tonight?
Or will I put up a fight?
Tears drench my face
Can death be my place?
My closest friends mock me
They've ignored my plea
What are they whispering about me?
To where can I flee?
They broke our promise
And my calmness
The real me I never show
Hidden within me, it is my foe
If I showed the real me
How could anyone like what they see?
The light will come and go
How? Why? I don't know
Pain has no lid
Though they say I'm just a kid
This will never be fully gone
A neutral relief is what I long
I don't need to be happy
But can this leave me?
I'm near perfect, they think
If I showed the real me, they wouldn't blink
They would only stare
And pretend they care
Then they'd outcast and ignore me
Me isolating myself, that's what they see
I can't cry now
I must act strong, but how?
My life is crashing down
How can I not frown?
God, will you rebuild this life?
And lessen my strife?
I need you now more than ever
As my life leaves, like a bird's feather
I can't do this anymore
If I keep fighting, what's it for?
Does anyone care still?
If my life I kill?
Can I be done?
It feels like the Devil's won
My God I no longer see
But He promised not to leave me
I don't get it
It's like I'm stuck in a pit
Is this my new norm?
Or will my mind conform?
The Devil is doing his job
All he ever wanted was to rob
I'm stuck
In this muck
It won't dry up
Lord will you take this cup?
This is my train tunnel
Will the light reappear like a funnel?
THIS IS A NOTE FOR THE SUICIDAL (LIKE ME) PLEASE STAY!!! I CARE WAY MORE ABOUT YOU THAN I CARE ABOUT ME SO IF I CAN LIVE, PLEASE YOU CAN TOO! <3 LOTS OF LOVE