I'm not sure what to do with myself.

[Ninotori]

Don't expect this to be coherent, or nice, or happy.

I'm feeling really lost right now, kind of. Sometimes I'm happy, because I can distract myself i guess, and I can find hope. The next day it all comes back to me and I'm sad again.

I don't like to even tell people I'm upset anymore, because it just ruins everything. It ruins the mood, the event, people just feel like I'm a negative person all the time. Maybe I am and I just don't know it? I don't even know. But I won't talk to anyone I know, not even my own family about my problems. It never helps.

My Dad just gets mad at me for feeling bad. My mom makes me feel worse in between comforting me.
Maybe I'm crazy and I just don't want to admit it. Or I don't realise it.

People scold me, and get mad, try to remind me how good I have it, but it only makes me feel even worse.

I've had some of the issues that bother me for a long time. I think I do have an innately negative view of myself, there isnt a whole lot I can point to that says otherwise. At least, not that matters to me.

I've always felt fat, and ugly, and because of that I always fear that people don't really like me, and that I'll never be married or have kids. I feel all the time like my apearance matters so much that its often all that people see in me. I don't like the idea of spendind all my money and time changing myself just to feel pretty and be pretty though. I want to be good enough just as I am. I feel like a tennis ball and all I end up with at the end of it is a headache.

I feel like I'm stupid, because I don't understand this world, and because it scares me so easily. I feel like because I'm not the exact same upright perfect people that other Christians are that I must not be doing it right and I must not be perfect. Another part of me reminds me that I can't be perfect, but I still feel like no matter what I do even where God says "You'll never be ' good enough ' " I'll still be turned away at the gates. For that reason I've let myself slip up alot. I'm not afraid to admit that I've done wrong in many ways and I haven't been praying or doing right. I feel like I can't win for five minutes about anything.

I'm terrified I won't be able to get even a simple job this summer. I'm terrified I won't be good enough to ever have one. I feel like I'm also a really hard person to deal with. I know I'm really negative sometimes. Its so hard not to be. I spend my whole like trying so hard to hide my pain that when I'm set off I can't hardly hold it in. Its not fair. Sure, I can do what my mom says and hold my feelings in for the sake of those around me, but then they never ever ever get resolved. But then, they won't get resolved by other people helping anyway it seems. I'm nuts. I'm absolutely crazy. I know I have issues, but I can't talk about them. When I do, the person listening can't help. I feel powerless, and I feel like God won't help because I'm not reaching back anymore.

I don't even know how to describe me any more. I look at everyone around me, and the reactions I get to myself and I can only think that I must be weird, and ugly, and socially akward, and stupid, and paranoid, and just this bizarre stupid anomaly that is going to live her life in a daydream distracting herself from how much her life sucks because she doesn't know how to live it.

I'm crazy, but I don't know what to do.People don't know how to help me. Some people even tell me nothing is wrong. I don't understand. I don't know what to do. I don't know.

 

[NinJaGGS]

My dear friend, the title of a book by a serbian monk is very true,
Our thoughts Determine Our Lives.
Your attention is so precious, so golden, worth more than anything..
If you focus on a problem, or problems in general they get bigger,
but if you focus on the solution, in our case Jesus Christ, then Jesus fills our lives...
think on all things good, holy, blessed, of good report, nice things, beautiful things, like your rose picture you have as an avatar
After struggling with depression much in my life I have come to the conclusion that nobody can help except YOU.
God can do nothing if we don't let him change our minds... holding onto sadness is somehow satisfying, it always made me feel justified.
But in truth it is not good for us to be sad.
People get angry at us because they cannot help.

We can fight, but not with bad things,
you can't fight a bad thought with another bad thought, like...
I am so worthless, I should not be thinking that

fight
Im worthless
with
God doesn't think so
God DIED for ME

He died for the world, but he also died personally to save MY soul.

You have to accept yourself, Only demons will tell us that we should be sad, God tells us always to repent, be blessed, help others things like that
If a thought gives you a feeling of true joy and contentment chances are its from God, if they bring us some form of ill feeling, this thought is directly from the devil.

I hope you will consider what I said, take what you want from it and leave what you don't find helpful...

 

[surrender2God]

I have been where you are and God has set me free. I had alot of hurt and inferiority complex because of some of the ppl I let into my life and the hurt that they caused me. Through God, I learned how to forgive and let it go so that I can be what God created me to be and do what he has called me to do. None of us are perfect, we are forgiven. God knows our hearts and the intentions that we have even though it doesn't always turn out like we wanted. God's opinion of us is the most important one. The second is your opinion of yourself. Love yourself for who you are. When you let God have full control, its easy to love yourself and others.
The only hope we have is Jesus Christ. Focus on him, what he did for us when he died on the cross, and all that he is. Sounds like a lot of the problem is that you have your focus on the negative rather than positive. You have to focus on God and let God make you what he wants you to be. God changes you from the inside out. You were created in the image of God and God only makes good things. Change the things that you can change and let God change what is impossible for you. Nothing is too hard for God.

 

[virteous_man]

I've had some of the issues that bother me for a long time. I think I do have an innately negative view of myself, there isnt a whole lot I can point to that says otherwise. At least, not that matters to me.

I've always felt fat, and ugly, and because of that I always fear that people don't really like me, and that I'll never be married or have kids. I feel all the time like my apearance matters so much that its often all that people see in me. I don't like the idea of spendind all my money and time changing myself just to feel pretty and be pretty though. I want to be good enough just as I am. I feel like a tennis ball and all I end up with at the end of it is a headache.

I feel like I'm stupid, because I don't understand this world, and because it scares me so easily. I feel like because I'm not the exact same upright perfect people that other Christians are that I must not be doing it right and I must not be perfect. Another part of me reminds me that I can't be perfect, but I still feel like no matter what I do even where God says "You'll never be ' good enough ' " I'll still be turned away at the gates. For that reason I've let myself slip up alot. I'm not afraid to admit that I've done wrong in many ways and I haven't been praying or doing right. I feel like I can't win for five minutes about anything.

I'm terrified I won't be able to get even a simple job this summer. I'm terrified I won't be good enough to ever have one. I feel like I'm also a really hard person to deal with. I know I'm really negative sometimes. Its so hard not to be. I spend my whole like trying so hard to hide my pain that when I'm set off I can't hardly hold it in. Its not fair. Sure, I can do what my mom says and hold my feelings in for the sake of those around me, but then they never ever ever get resolved. But then, they won't get resolved by other people helping anyway it seems. I'm nuts. I'm absolutely crazy. I know I have issues, but I can't talk about them. When I do, the person listening can't help. I feel powerless, and I feel like God won't help because I'm not reaching back anymore.

I don't even know how to describe me any more. I look at everyone around me, and the reactions I get to myself and I can only think that I must be weird, and ugly, and socially akward, and stupid, and paranoid, and just this bizarre stupid anomaly that is going to live her life in a daydream distracting herself from how much her life sucks because she doesn't know how to live it.

I'm crazy, but I don't know what to do.People don't know how to help me. Some people even tell me nothing is wrong. I don't understand. I don't know what to do. I don't know.

Ninotori,
I understand where your coming from , but however I would like to point out that just because your different does not mean your bad. Perhaps what worked for me will work for you. Find something that really makes you happy, something you enjoy doing, whether be drawing, painting, music, anything creative and then get involved with where others are that also enjoy that activity. You will find that others are not so different than yourself.

 

[psychomom]

Sweetie, in my early thirties two good and close friends began calling me "the nego-queen", so I have some small idea of what you mean about being a negative person.
But I want you to know that in my experience knowing something about yourself means the Lord is preparing you to have Him deal with it. Lay still on the table, fellow lump of clay, while the Potter remakes you in His image. It hurts to be broken and remade. It's okay to cry to Him about it. He became human to fully sympathize with and understand us. (amazing thought!!!!!!)
I do not mean this in a condescending way (actually the opposite) but you are so young! Give yourself, and the Lord, time. It takes a lifetime to be remade; to conform to His image. There are times of building, and times of rest. Sounds like you're in a building phase. It's tough! And so worth it!

*sigh* being an adolescent these days...I do not know how any of you get through it! When I was your age we had music like "Feeling Groovy", "Your Smiling Face", "We've Only Just Begun", and "Ain't No Mountain High Enough". I feel like all the music these days is my boyfriend cheated on me and Ima jump off a bridge. Puhleeze do not expose yourself to any of that! (not to assume you do--just friendly advice) Expose youself to as much positivity as you can, first and foremost being the Lord Jesus. Be careful who your friends are. Careful how you spend your free time. I was the master of adding to my own despair. Took me till my 40s to learn to NOT allow myself to think negatively for hours. (so I applaud your awareness!) Take those thoughts captive.

Your outside, as made by Jesus, is p-e-r-f-e-c-t. Be healthy...that's it. Focus on what's r-e-a-l...the real you, and the very, very real Him. He adores you, little one.
For thus says the LORD of hosts, "After glory He has sent me against the nations which plunder you, for he who touches you, touches the apple of His eye. Zecharaiah 2:8
You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book? Psalm 56:8
The Lord is near to the brokenheartedAnd saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm34:18
As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you Isaiah 66:13
But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted;
you consider their grief and take it in hand. Psalm 10:14
Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;My eye is wasted away from grief, my soul and my body also.
For my life is spent with sorrow
And my years with sighing
But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord,I say, “ You are my God.”
My times are in Your hand Psalm 31:9,10,14,15


These are just a few of the verses from my journals. Matthew 5:4 says, Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. (also see 2 Cor. 1:3-5) He's waiting to comfort you--you just have to look in the right place.


Hang in there, dear one! It's okay to not know...just know Him, and the power of His resurrection!
love in Jesus- ~ellie

 

[Foxxtale]

for so long, I felt this way too. It was part of the reason I turned my back on God to begin with... I knew I didn't fit in. Everything was built for someone else - schools, sports, friends, girlfriends... they were all things meant for other people, but not me.

I understand the pain of being the outsider, never fitting in, and I have always had a low self esteem.

The world we live in doesn't make that any better. We are expected to get a job, do well in school, have friends, laugh, party, do drugs, get drunk, buy the newest stuff, look like a supermodel, and have money to blow on frivolous things.

it wasn't until I realized that I was never meant to fit into the norm that I finally found some peace. I realized that I was never going to 'fit in', that I was different, and that was all there was to it. I began to celebrate my differences and adopted a favorite quote:

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” -Dr. Seuss

you see, the way the world is set up is to cater to the majority. Those that don't fit into it are seen as 'problems'. We are medicated until we comply, but inside we are being torn apart by the struggle between what we are and what we are expected to be. The medications never work for long. They just cover up the pain.

It took me a long time to realize that I could be happy in spite of what was happening. It took me even longer to actually live it. To this day I struggle with low self esteem and self doubt, but I keep reminding myself: I AM EXACTLY THE WAY GOD MEANT ME TO BE.
and so are you.

I pray that you will find the peace and love that God has promised us. It really does exist, even though it doesn't seem like it at times.
May God bless you and keep you. <3
~Foxx

(p.s. - please feel free to send me a message if you should wish to talk! I would love to have a chat with you ^-^ )

 

[wwjd_kilden]

I know much of the feelings you describe, I also know how frustrating it is when people think one can just shake them off and be OK.
However, most of those who say "just think positive" do have one important point that is correct:

You can teach yourself to think more positive.

I am not saying you be happy clappy within a week, or a month, maybe not even a year, but: If you find one thing that means a lot to you, and remind yourself every day, you at least "teach" your brain to focus on one thing that is good.

as for being weird: I think most people are in some way or another, and imagine how boring life would be if eyeryone did the same things and felt the same things.

If you haven't already, find someone you can talk to on a regular basis, it might help a bit.

 

[Lucy68]

Hi Sweetie,
Wow this sounds just like me when I was around your age!

God would never tell you ' you aren't good enough'. Satan will tell you that. As you grow in your relationship with Jesus, you will learn how to discern His voice

Parents are sometimes so overloaded with stress themselves (mainly work) that they don't want any more added, so they may become irritated if you share your stress with them. I'm thinking of the way my parents were...they just wanted to pretend everything was fine in our family life. We were like strangers who just happened to live in the same house. Very sad really. But it showed me how not to be with my children.

And friends sometimes don't want to be bothered either by negative comments. So it is hard to find a listening ear! Keeping a journal is a big help. But don't just record negative thoughts...write down all the good things too (makes for grateful heart).

We tend to look at ourselves the way we think others see us. This is not right for at least two reasons....other people are fallible and full of their own idiosyncrasies, so the way they see you is usually false. Also, God intends for us to look to Him to see ourselves correctly. So our self-image is a work in process, especially in the teen years.

Yes, it's frustrating that our society is so appearance-based. I've never been interested in clothes and it probably shows in the way I dress . But I do try to follow the social standards to some extent because I know it does matter to me how people react to me physically. I wish it didn't but maybe it serves a good purpose....like making me take better care of myself.

It's hard to make changes but when you are able to work up the self-discipline and become healthier and more attractive (I kind of dislike saying that) then your self-esteem will improve. Many times the way we see ourselves will be how others see us also. So when you feel good about yourself and self-confidant, that attitude is reflected and adopted by others.

Of course, the most important aspect of 'our person' is our relationship with God. This physical body will someday return to dust, but our immortal soul lives on. That soul-health is the most important.

Praying for strength and guidance for you, little sister. Hang in there and be comforted that you are normal

 

[zaggamorre]

actually, all you need is a vacation.=heheheheh! yea, believe me '-)

 

[frankleespeaking]

My dear friend, the title of a book by a serbian monk is very true,
Our thoughts Determine Our Lives.
Your attention is so precious, so golden, worth more than anything..
If you focus on a problem, or problems in general they get bigger,
but if you focus on the solution, in our case Jesus Christ, then Jesus fills our lives...
think on all things good, holy, blessed, of good report, nice things, beautiful things, like your rose picture you have as an avatar
After struggling with depression much in my life I have come to the conclusion that nobody can help except YOU.
God can do nothing if we don't let him change our minds... holding onto sadness is somehow satisfying, it always made me feel justified.
But in truth it is not good for us to be sad.
People get angry at us because they cannot help.

We can fight, but not with bad things,
you can't fight a bad thought with another bad thought, like...
I am so worthless, I should not be thinking that

fight
Im worthless
with
God doesn't think so
God DIED for ME

He died for the world, but he also died personally to save MY soul.

You have to accept yourself, Only demons will tell us that we should be sad, God tells us always to repent, be blessed, help others things like that
If a thought gives you a feeling of true joy and contentment chances are its from God, if they bring us some form of ill feeling, this thought is directly from the devil.

I hope you will consider what I said, take what you want from it and leave what you don't find helpful...

this is a really good post! especially when he says "nobody can help you except you" only you have control over what you allow yourself to think about, I never realized how powerful this one truth was!......If you were to take back control over what you allowed yourself to think about, you would be amazed at how it would change your life,

if you allow your mind to think depressing thoughts it will think depressing thoughts...........much like an anorexic who believes she's fat yet she's dying of starvation. her mind is convincing her that she's fat but the truth is she's dying........depression is also a deceptive lie, Its a spiritual attack trying to convince you that life isn't worth living, getting you to focus on everything negative, much like the anorexic your getting a twisted picture.

REBUKE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS do it like your life depended on it, its really hard at first, and seems like your just trying to fight against your natural feelings. do you think the anorexic girl who is skin on bones should rebuke her mind when her thoughts tell her she's fat, even though she really believes she's fat.......YES! SHE SHOULD

Should someone fighting depression rebuke depressing and negative thoughts......YES! ABSOLUTELY!

could it honestly be that simple! I never realized how powerful the mind is over the flesh. If you allow your mind to think negatively, you will never be free from depression. however if you begin to strongly oppose negative thoughts and verbally rebuke them saying "Thats a lie, thats not who I am, thats not how I feel!" you will find greater and greater strength, even overcoming depressed thinking, simply by not allowing your mind the liberty to indulge in this kind of thinking.

after a while you won't even remember what caused you to think the way you did, because depression is a lie from the pit of hell to discourage and take a believers joy away.

 

[shekaniah]

The battle field of the mind!

Let me ask you this...have you ever met some one who was so full of love and life...
that after you walked away from them you realized that you don't even remember what
their physical body looked like? And while you were talking to them all you seen was Jesus!!!
That is what we should want to look like....and how we should be remembered.
We should become the poster children for this verse!

Matt 6:33
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Get the mind of Christ and you will find true beauty.
I will be praying for you too!

 

[Spartacus1122]

Everyone's been giving you wonderful advice.

You're being too hard on yourself, and that can happen at your age.
Times are bad for a lot of people, and some are far off worse than you. All this negativity that you're building up can actually work against you.
You need to project positivity in yourself and towards others.

Be strong, don't lose faith, and look forward to every day. You're only 19, there so much life has to offer.
Everyone goes through torments and worries. And yet God has His way of working things out.

However, God is not a "Santa Claus" that grants your wish through simple requests. You need to work at it as well. God may give you strength, but you need to do the work.

We're all here for you, albeit by distance, at least in thoughts and prayers.
Be well!

 

[aprilandkeion]

too long im tired of reading all negative...just appreciate life just look at the positive side just be thankful you are breathing right now because someone is dying at this moment but you are still alive you must thank God for all, there are people that is worst than your problem like here in our country someone is not eating someone is living under the bridge someone has a stage 4 cancer a terminally ill...but you are alive and kicking and you wake up everyday...you are very lucky compared to others.just thank God and appreciate small things and be contented. and pray for those people doing negative things to you..