in laws and issues

[lou81]

so this year has been a huge year of struggle in my life and my marriage. alot of it has to do with my inlaws and how they do and do not relate to me and my husband about a wide array of issues. how much should i really let it bother me that they respect me about as much as an old pizza box, and think they have a right to my children even though they have treated me like i dont exist for the better part of 3 years now? how much of this do i "take without complaint" for the sake of my marriage, and how much respect should i hold onto hope about getting?
i know, if you are married and breathing, at one time or another you have probably felt in conflict with your inlaws over something.
but for us, its almost everything. and they are everywhere. in our job ( hubby is in the family business) in our housing (we rent from them) in our church (same one as us) and in our daily lives. they want to ignore that i exist and want full acess to my children at thier convenience.
in honesty, i have a hard time.. a VERY hard time not being bitter toward them.
and now they have decided that they want us all to go to family counseling together. yippee. (pardon my enthusiasm).
we went yesterday for the first time. it was awful. they lied about quite a bit, and made up things that i have said that i never have.... and i am supposed to go back and have another session! why?
i know the Lord has been talking to me about "forgiveness" and that alot of this does need to be forgiven... regardless of the fact that i am about as likely to get an apology for anything as i am to win the lottery ( i dont even play, so the chances you know, are, nil).
but there are young, sweet, impressionable children involved in this... and i do not want them influencing them in any way. so to say i should just "take one for the team" so my kids can have a relationship with thier grands.... theres alot more to it than that.
my QUESTION: how on earth do i get to the place where i can extend forgiveness to them, and even remotely see a seed of hope for some change?

 

[JesusIsReal]

I might Reply, but only if Jesus Christ tells me or shows me wich direction i should reply with.

 

[ChristianVegan]

Well I can say this part, you renting from them ummm why? when they are a hundred other houses you can rent? That part you are INVITING them to somewhat have control over that part of your life (we all know how landlords can be, family or not because they have to have a key/access to your home which is THEIRS).
Your husband doesnt HAVE to have the family business be his primary source of income (if it is, and it sounds like it is) He can do that parttime, weekends, etc. There is another control factor/ in our business that can be avoided or atleast minimized.
I would absolutely not change churches unless God himself spoke to both of you and said to do so, as well as act on anything else.
You probaly wouldnt NEED a counseling session if they werent so involved and you could actually breathe.
And they are lying on you? Sounds like a discussion of God's Laws needs to be in play.
Keep your head up and rely on God. Set your boundaries. Be ONE with your husband (very important). You have to let go and let God and as long as you all are still breathing there is hope. Counseling will help (but when the counselor says, does anyone have anything to say about this, you might need to speak up about saying I have a problem with what _____________said, that wasnt the truth, I never said __________.
Please pray before making any decisions!!
God Bless

 

[MissCris]

Why not just tell them flat-out to back off? Would that make things worse?

Also, children should NEVER witness their parents being disrespected. For your children's sake, you're going to have to do something, SAY something.

 

[PopClick]

I really think that the ball should be in your husband's court. He is supposed to have left his mother and dad and become one with his wife. I don't mean he should ignore his parents, but his loyalty should now lie with YOU. So, I would suggest that he start insisting on some respect towards you, but it should be specific, as in "Now, Mumsie, it really was not nice to invite me and the kids to the party and leave Angela out of the picture. She is my wife and a part of me now, so if she can't come then I can't either."
And I really think that keeping your kids away from your in-laws should be an option to prayerfully consider. The visits might be fun for them and the grandparents, but seeing their own mother disrespected and lied about will trump any "good" that would come out of it.
So if your husband knows how you feel already, (and I hope he does), he really needs to be the one to stand up to his parents and put his foot down. His love for you should give him a little righteous anger, too!

 

[Likewise]

Lau,
I know you are going through difficult times. A few things come to me about your situation. Scriptures say, "The two shall leave their parents and become one. There a re a lot of connections with his family, His livlihood, housing rentalsand church. Perhaps ifthey see less of you they might appreciate you more. "Familarity brreds contempt (see too often), Absense makes the heart grow fonder. Explore, cutting back on the exposure to the family, especially if this is arecent marriage. The two of you need to get adjusted to each other first. I sort of gathered that this may be a second marriage for you because you, you referred to your children. If a second marraige, his family might need some time to get adjusted to you.
Being a landlord myself, the housing rental business is also a relationship business. Perhaps reducing the family exposure might be helpful.
Fred

 

[Jullianna]

I agree that it is up to your husband to set boundaries. He is supposed to honor his parents, but he is also to protect his wife and family from anyone and everyone. It seems that he is still highly dependant upon them - by choice. Perhaps this is the true root of the problem. I would suspect this to come out during counseling.

I don't agree though that children should be used as a tool regarding the treatment of a parent. No, they shouldn't see a parent disrespected, but kids aren't dumb, so don't think they don't see it for what it is. They'll tired of it and won't want to hear it anymore. But please don't allow your in-laws to use your kids as pawns against you or vice versa. They are far too precious for that. This is a grownup issue and the children should be left out of it completely. This world is ugly enough as it is. Home should be a santuary for them.

At the end of the day, it's not your in-laws' approval you need. You need your husband's approval in ways that have nothing to do with his family and you need God's. If you have those, just stand strong and be yourself. Choose to forgive them whether you receive an apology from them or not, because if you don't, the anger and hurt they have inflicted will only continue to give them control over you. People do things like that for one reason: BECAUSE IT WORKS. TAKE control, don't give it up to them. The best way to do that is to forgive them and ask God to help you love and respect them no matter what they try to do.

Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. - I Peter 3:9

CHOOSE to be a blessing, not a doormat! You are a child of God!

 

[shekaniah]

Your husband should defend you, but maybe he feels like because they control him financially. He is caught between a rock and a hard place.
I will pray that God vindicates you. If you can, call them out on the lies...but only the one you can absolutely dispute.
You need to pray that God will not allow false testamony, and that He will reveal the truth. Lean on God's promises for those who love Him.

Exodus 20:16
"You must not testify falsely against your neighbor.


Isaiah 54:17
no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me," declares the LORD.

Isaiah 17:6-9
6 I have called upon thee, for thou wilt hear me, O God: incline thine ear unto me, and hear my speech.7 Shew thy marvellouslovingkindness, O thou that savest by thy right hand them which put their trust in thee from those that rise up against them. 8Keep me as the apple of the eye , hide me under the shadow of thy wings,9From the wicked that oppresshttp://www.biblestudytools.com/kjv/psalms/passage.aspx?q=psalms+17:6-9#fn-descriptionAnchor-a me, from my deadly enemies , who compass me about .

 

[woodl]

]
QUESTION: how on earth do i get to the place where i can extend forgiveness to them, and even remotely see a seed of hope for some change?[/quote

In Jesus, let Jesus shine through you. No matter what they say or do, just let it go over your head and let them see how happy you are in Jesus
Love your kids to no end and tell them about Jesus. They will see the happyness you have and will be drawn to it.

 

[pickles]

My husband and I went through this with His parents.
I often felt they did not only want to own our lives, but lived their's through us.
The way they treated our children was wanting them there, but according to their wants, and often were very sefish and mean.
It seemed that we could do nothing right in their sight, and their demands were filled with guilt and manipulation.
Even after my husband stood up to them, they found ways around the boundries we set.
I often questioned their love, as it felt it was all about them.
So we limited our visits, and simply felt justified in our choices.
They both passed several years ago.
Since then, my husband and I have grown older, and in Jesus wiser.
I now see so much more clearly the reasons behind their actions.
I long now, for the wisdom I have, to have been back then.
In no way do I say any of this to justify or say the things they did were in any way ok.
But as my children have grown and now live their own lives, or ask for help, or question why we say what we do.
I see now how easly they fell into the things they did and why.
I also see the judgement that I carried towards them, and how wrong I was about alot of the things that happened.
Simply because perfect love is not about the other being perfect or doing all things correctly.
It is about looking beyond the faults and wrongs, and seeing the person that is asking simply to still matter, to feel loved and needed.
I wish now I had seen this, and acted upon this love in Jesus better.
Not by being manipulated or used, but simply by loving them , as Jesus loves us.
Not looking to what they should or should not have done, but giving the love to them we should have.
I know now we could not have changed them, that was their choice in Jesus.
But we should not have used their wrongs, to dismiss what we knew was right and should have done.
I find myself often now asking forgiveness of Jesus, and them.
Rarely a week goes by that I do not see how wrong we were in our reactions.
Simply because, I see now it was never about what they did, but compleatly about what we could and should have done.
Im certain many if they heard the whole story would say we were justified in our choices and absolutely correct in what we did, or did not do.
But as time passed, and I have learned how great Jesus's love for us, I know and see not their wrongs, but how I failed in the love of Jesus towards them.
Its possible your inlaws are probably the most selfish, and manipulative persons known.
But as I spoke to, I wish I knew then, what I now know.
That is was never about them, it was all about the love of Jesus and givng this to them.
I just wanted to share this so that you will not know ,what I do now, hungering for just a few moments of time, in which to love them in Jesus.
Sometimes it is the things we cannot change, that matter the most when it comes to loving in Jesus.

I thank Jesus because He forgives me.
But , I do wish I had not been so justified in my actions towards them.
And hope that Jesus is letting them know, how sorry I am for being so justified, instead of simply loving them.
I also hope this will maby spare you, the sorrow I carry now about my actions.

in Jesus, God bless.
pickles