Introducing myself, a wanting to believer

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wanting2believe

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Hi,
brothers and sisters in Christ.
Im a 22 soon to be 23.
I am a very shy at first but open to everyone.
I was raised in a thought crown in the streets, but ever since I was young, I always looked for the Lord. Im not going to deny that Ive had some issues with my self because people always make me feel less, yet I try to keep myself composed, but I would be lying if I did not admit that I have a low self esteem.
Ive read the bible a decent amount of times, I have been in many churches. I know it seems bad from my part but I never have really felt God, always limiting my progress in believing in God, always making me reject the idea of God. Honestly I really want to believe, I do my heart wants to believe.
I know its also not related but I feel that without love this life is not worth leaving. I know that I should try my best at finding God's true love, yet if I dont find love of a partner I feel I cant move on in this life. Yes I know I should not blame my procrastination on that but I am being honest, I feel like in order to move forger I need to feel that gap inside my person.
So I pray and cry every night and at a time I even actually hated God and blamed him and hated him for about 1 year til date. Today I made the choice to give myself another try, maybe this time I will reach Gods heart and he can reach mine. I hope he can go inside me and look at what my heart desires and that is to find a true personal mutual love with a nice women, and honestly I want to fill him too. I know I shouldn't go to extremest but I feel that if I were not to find God and this mutual love I wont move on, and end up letting my flesh take over.. and do something dumb.

I am sorry if I took your time but I just needed to say this again. Proof of my heart open up to you fellow brothers and to the Lord, not for the attention but for the hope that maybe the Lord will hear me.

Im really hard headed and so its hard to just believe, I know I hate that about myself but I cant change that. I need proof, I need it, and Im ashamed of it.

Sincerely Uriel.
 
Welcome Uriel!

I have struggled with a lack of proof many times myself. Through the support of others, and a deep studying of The Word I have always managed to get answers to my doubts. I would encourage you to dig into The Bible and seek Gods answers to your questions!

God Bless
 
thanks :)
I feel like such a brute and I feel dumb.. but Ive have, and none of it gets to my heart :/

I dont want to be over dramatic but it does make me feel sad.. it truly just makes me feel bad that I read the bible now and I just dont see anything anymore. I will admit that I take importance and il even say that the world of God is inspirational and just awesome. But it never seems to get to me, never seems to be proof.

I promise by my heart the only part of me I hold dearly that I give it my all yet I never seem to feel anything, or believe. I just feel so down now in days... Like what can I do? Thank you so much for your answer they are deeply appreciated.

I just dont feel comfort in the word of God and I surely dont feel comfort in the world.. so Im like stuck in the middle.

Sincerely Uriel.
 
Wanting,

Have you ever went away, maybe a walk in the woods, and talked with God? I have and I do. Do you know the funny thing about when I do go and commune with my God? My faith and my acknowledgment of His existence become stronger. Why? Because He will talk back to you as a Father. Don't be afraid to ask Him questions, that is not doubt, but a reinforcement of your faith, as He will answer you from His written Word. I bet if you do spend this time with Him, one on one, your doubt will vanish. God bless you and He is waiting for you to talk to Him.
 
I will go out, I don't have woods but I do have places were I can be alone. I do read his word, I will try with all my heart. Thank you again.
 
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