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Stanelake
Guest
i have been married for 3 years and my wife keeps things tht concern me away from me. When i ask she lies to me and it grieves me because i did not look forward to this in marriage. help
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LaraHugs
Guest
It's probably usual for people to have their own information which doesn't need to be shared. I guess it would depend on the contents of the secrets, and the motivation for keeping them. If these are kept out of contempt in some way, then this attitude would be questionable. If these are kept because they are personal to her, then she has a right to her own personal space.
Are you sure she's lying when you ask her? Because she might not believe it's a lie, if she believes that she doesn't have to reveal the information. Perspective.
Are you sure she's lying when you ask her? Because she might not believe it's a lie, if she believes that she doesn't have to reveal the information. Perspective.
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Hebrey
Guest
When reading your post, I got few things in my mind to write you.
First, it depends on, what the secrets are about. Of course, some women may have serious things, they conceal, but sometimes we just act like women.
Well, for first, we, women, like to have some secrets. It is normal. If the secret is about her dreams, wishes, or about what her friend told her, dont worry. This is nothing dangerous.
Secondly, sometimes we equivocate, when we dont know how to expalin our mind to men. It is not really, that we have some secret, sometimes we even want to speak about something, but we are not sure our husbands would underestand it or they would listen, or sometimes we just dont want to trouble them with womanly problems.
First, it depends on, what the secrets are about. Of course, some women may have serious things, they conceal, but sometimes we just act like women.
Well, for first, we, women, like to have some secrets. It is normal. If the secret is about her dreams, wishes, or about what her friend told her, dont worry. This is nothing dangerous.
Secondly, sometimes we equivocate, when we dont know how to expalin our mind to men. It is not really, that we have some secret, sometimes we even want to speak about something, but we are not sure our husbands would underestand it or they would listen, or sometimes we just dont want to trouble them with womanly problems.
Stanelake...I think I know where your coming from....and I have to say, just off the little bit you wrote, I can understand how you feel.
I was very much in the same position in my own marriage. Trust can be broken down very quickly.
I do hope that you and your wife can find a way to have more open communication, so that if there are times where either one of you have something personal you are wating to keep to yourself, then it won't be a burden to your relationship, but it will be seen and accepted for what it is.
I was very much in the same position in my own marriage. Trust can be broken down very quickly.
I do hope that you and your wife can find a way to have more open communication, so that if there are times where either one of you have something personal you are wating to keep to yourself, then it won't be a burden to your relationship, but it will be seen and accepted for what it is.
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AnandaHya
Guest
I think its normal for people not to know every thing about another person. I'm not sure if we know everything there is to know about ourselves. If your wife is lying to you, you need to ask the deeper question of why? Is it an issue of lack of trust in you or herself? Perhaps she's ashame or doesn't think its important. the really issue is that you yearn for a more intimate relationship with your spouse. Which is a very GOOD thing. I would suggest you listen or read "Bold Love for Your marriage" by Dan Allender
He talks about how Love is about mercy and strength and how it causes us to change so that we can move closer to the image of God. He says we are called to be like the Lord to our spouse by loving them as God loved us. He talks about boundaries and the true Biblical meaning of Love and forgiveness. Tough love shows us that we are not yet perfect and we need to change. We are all sinners working towards a better and deeper relationship with God and each other. Don't give up on your marriage. God does NOT like divorce. Find some Christian marriage counseling and love your wife. Make a commitment to your spouse not just your marriage. Love means you want the best for the other person even if that person will spit in your face and slap you for telling them the truth. Love isn't a comfortable cuddly blanket. We are to cover sin with our love not cover up sin. We do not make excuses for sin or the sinner, we love them despite it and help them work towards the ideal that God wants them to be as they help us work towards the person God meant us to be. That is what marriage and love is suppose to be about.
He talks about how Love is about mercy and strength and how it causes us to change so that we can move closer to the image of God. He says we are called to be like the Lord to our spouse by loving them as God loved us. He talks about boundaries and the true Biblical meaning of Love and forgiveness. Tough love shows us that we are not yet perfect and we need to change. We are all sinners working towards a better and deeper relationship with God and each other. Don't give up on your marriage. God does NOT like divorce. Find some Christian marriage counseling and love your wife. Make a commitment to your spouse not just your marriage. Love means you want the best for the other person even if that person will spit in your face and slap you for telling them the truth. Love isn't a comfortable cuddly blanket. We are to cover sin with our love not cover up sin. We do not make excuses for sin or the sinner, we love them despite it and help them work towards the ideal that God wants them to be as they help us work towards the person God meant us to be. That is what marriage and love is suppose to be about.
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dmdave17
Guest
"Make a commitment to your spouse not just your marriage." ... by AnandaHya
This is one of the single greatest pieces of advice I have heard for a long time. Very insightful.
This is one of the single greatest pieces of advice I have heard for a long time. Very insightful.
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choZn
Guest
Questions for you to consider: What about yourself? Do you disclose EVERYTHING to your wife? In all fairness, do you tell her every little thing that happens to you or that you do?
If you show distrust for your wife by closely watching everything she does and questioning her, she will become defensive and distant. Both of you deserve some privacy and the right to share when you choose to do so.
Maybe if you try telling your wife that you are willing to be open and honest about anything and everything that concerns her, give her an opportunity to ask, then follow through with complete honesty yourself it will open the door for her to do the same.
With any struggle you face in your marriage, pray together. If she doesn't want to pray, let her know that you are going to pray for the strength of your marriage and let her hear your prayers. Commit your marriage to God, lift it up and give it's burdens to Christ expecting Him to bring healing. Don't give up, even when you don't see results. Be determined and keep showering her and your marriage with sincere prayer together. I will add my prayers to yours.
If you show distrust for your wife by closely watching everything she does and questioning her, she will become defensive and distant. Both of you deserve some privacy and the right to share when you choose to do so.
Maybe if you try telling your wife that you are willing to be open and honest about anything and everything that concerns her, give her an opportunity to ask, then follow through with complete honesty yourself it will open the door for her to do the same.
With any struggle you face in your marriage, pray together. If she doesn't want to pray, let her know that you are going to pray for the strength of your marriage and let her hear your prayers. Commit your marriage to God, lift it up and give it's burdens to Christ expecting Him to bring healing. Don't give up, even when you don't see results. Be determined and keep showering her and your marriage with sincere prayer together. I will add my prayers to yours.
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Peacefulcrusader
Guest
Things that concern you? Well, if that is the case, I think that it may not be alright for her to not reveal them to you. I guess that the others who have given you (good) advice should reconsider if the things you mention really concern you, but first you would have to be more precise in telling what it is all about.
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P4CM4N
Guest
Its obvious you 2 have trust and communication issues. You 2 need to sit down and get to the bottom of it ask her why she feels she has to lie to you,i know some woman who do it because there somewhat afraid of there husband and his opinions but again it all depends on your own situation.
Sometimes I don't tell my husband everything because I see it as not a big deal, but I KNOW he would blow a gasket if I told him (like that I just spent $75 on maternity pants--which I need! I'm pregnant for goodness sake, I can't be wearing sweat pants to work for the next 6 months!) To me--not a big deal. To my husband--oh dear you would have thought I burned the house down.
So maybe it's your reaction she's afriad of? Just a thought...
So maybe it's your reaction she's afriad of? Just a thought...
Hmm.... With only hearing one side of the story, people are giving some pretty strong advice etc that this is all about his reactions to what she may or may not be keeping from him.
It does seem that there is a break down in their communication somewhere, and that almost always leads to a breakdown of trust. (ie: where he believes she is lying to him etc.)
I do not care if she thinks he will blow a gasket or anything like that.....there are better ways to go about doing things.
Honesty is ALWAYS best. Fear should never grip a person to the point where they keep things from, or lie to their spouse. If wither person finds themselves at this point then it will almost always escalate. You cannot un-ring a bell. If their is unresolved conflict, then it can very easily lead to future unresolved conflict.
It does seem that there is a break down in their communication somewhere, and that almost always leads to a breakdown of trust. (ie: where he believes she is lying to him etc.)
I do not care if she thinks he will blow a gasket or anything like that.....there are better ways to go about doing things.
Honesty is ALWAYS best. Fear should never grip a person to the point where they keep things from, or lie to their spouse. If wither person finds themselves at this point then it will almost always escalate. You cannot un-ring a bell. If their is unresolved conflict, then it can very easily lead to future unresolved conflict.
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AnandaHya
Guest
Spiritual warfare. its happening every day in our marriages. the devil wants to destroy the ties that binds us. trust in God and love each other as God loves us.
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dmdave17
Guest
"When I ask she lies to me..." I believe that this is the most disturbing statement in this post. It makes it appear as though your wife wants to guard these secrets at all costs. Without more detail, it seems to be an issue of marital trust. I believe that you must look at yourself as well as at her.
Have you ever done or said anything that would lead her to conclude that it is better to keep things from you rather than tell you? Are there trust problems in any other areas of your marriage? Do you keep any "secrets" from your wife?
"Normality" is a moving target when it comes to marriage. As has been pointed out here, it is not uncommon for husbands and wives to have some secrets, although these usually apply to past lives or very private issues. If you feel that you are blameless with respect to the questions I asked above, I believe that you should confront your wife lovingly and insist that she give you an explanation for her behavior. I am proof that marriages can survive strife, but they usually cannot survive deceit.
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Stanelake
Guest
Thank you all for the advice. We had a bit of trouble during the first year of our marriage due to financial strain and social issues and these affected us greatly. We did not manage to get over them because I was not able to provide- this was the time of hyper inflation here in Zim. Now I have a steady job and we are much better off. She is a good woman. I;m pleased to be with her but getting around the past has not been easy for us. Honestly, our relationship is much better now than before. I just want to know whether I should over look the fact that she was keeping money in a place I did not know. I didnt ask her directly because I know that we could end up in a worse state so I teased her tactfully in order for her to come out clean. She finally told me a few days ago. I try to tell her everything especially if it concerns money and changes to things we have already agreed upon. Am I asking for too much.
This is why I said above that unresolved conflict (issues) will more than likely lead to further unresolved conflict.
Glad you two have talked, and I do hope the lines of communication stays open for you both so that your marriage can grow and flourish in Him.
Blessings
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KisDawn
Guest
She was probably doing that out of fear. I had a great aunt that lived through the depression and a lot of the fears she had made her for example put her money in 5 different banks. I'd personally let her keep the money hidden so she has a security blanket just in case things get bad again. Maybe once she is assured that things will be ok then she'll be more willing to open up. Especially if you have kids she's probably thinking what will she do if something happens? Even if that isn't really a rational worry with the way economies and the media has portrayed the economy it's not an unreasonable fear. Just try to put yourself in her position how would you feel if you were her?
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enduretotheend
Guest
It is NOT too much to ask that you both coordinate the use of your money. And keeping secrets in a marriage is not healthy.
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Seriously_Cool_Wife
Guest
Well, my husband has a problem with hiding stuff and not being truthful. I can't stand it. It's not like I don't want him to have his privacy, but when he lies to me about why he got fired from his job and that he absolutely did NOT take his co-workers out for pizza on the credit card... until I call the credit card company and argue that the expense isn't ours, and then he comes clean making me look like an idiot. He also has taken money we agreed would be vacation money and paid a bunch of bills he had ignored and left unpaid until he had to take our vacation savings to pay it off... then sat in the bank with a stunned (fake) expression when we went to withdraw it for our vacation... THEN yelled at me in front of the kids over it and told me in front of the kids still that if I wanted to cancel our vacation and ruin our vacation over it, then we would... the kids all burst into tears and despised me...
these types of lies I just can't stand!!!!!
But I will say, after all of that, that I DO understand part of why he does that. He's immature and doesn't take care of his responsibilities sometimes. He hates this shortcoming in himself and wants to lie and cover it up. I'm not excusing him... trust me... I'm chosing to love him in spite of it.
God I hope he changes some day, but if he doesn't... I'm still chosing to love him anyway... am I perfect about it?? No... if I was, I wouldn't have told you all of his business... LOL! I get irritated about it... and I guess that's MY sin... to complain when I should just suck it up and deal.
these types of lies I just can't stand!!!!!
But I will say, after all of that, that I DO understand part of why he does that. He's immature and doesn't take care of his responsibilities sometimes. He hates this shortcoming in himself and wants to lie and cover it up. I'm not excusing him... trust me... I'm chosing to love him in spite of it.
God I hope he changes some day, but if he doesn't... I'm still chosing to love him anyway... am I perfect about it?? No... if I was, I wouldn't have told you all of his business... LOL! I get irritated about it... and I guess that's MY sin... to complain when I should just suck it up and deal.