J
About a week ago a friend of mine, the worship pastor at my church whom I've been under for 10 years, told me he found me attractive. He said that because he knew where he could go in his thoughts and he thought that outting himself would prevent that. This man has stood by me through thick and thin. We have had good boundaries, but we (and many others) work very closely together because we are all in ministry together. He and his wife took me in when my husband was threatening and violent. He has prayed for me continuously -- while going throughout his day. He has only prayed for me in person a few times, and every time was in public with another woman. He does not tell me about struggles with his wife. He has counseled me through many difficult situations and was always willing to encourage me. He told me he loved me like one of his kids.
This man is a good man. Yes, he is a man capable of all kinds of failings, but his heart was good intentioned if badly executed. He is not pursuing me. He has reassured me that he's very committed to his marriage and family. Now, I know there are a few things I can change about the relationship without moving to another church. As I said, we've had pretty good boundaries; but there are somethings I can pull back on.
But this is hard. This man has taught me so much, and is the only person I know who really listens and knows when to say, "I don't get it but I'll pray." Like a father, he has called me into so many things. He called my voice out of me. He demonstrated that I had value, and I finally learned to stand up for myself to unwanted advances. Even now, I have told him what he said, while he was trying to honor me and himself, was wrong. I have been honest with him about his deception and how much I feel betrayed despite his good intentions. He has always accepted that he screwed up and apologized. He still wants to be my friend and counselor. I don't know what to do. I have known and loved (platonically of course) this man for so long, and I'm lost. While he is a righteous man, I know he is only human. I do not think he is wandering around daydreaming about me. I do believe that he wants to honor God above all. I am called to worship ministry, so there is no real way for me to avoid at least some for of intimate contact with him. And I don't feel it would be right for me to step down. I guess i'm just scared. My heart is for the Lord. I love to worship Him, but I am only human also, and I don't want to lose a friend... nor do I want to be the "other woman". I am modest, but I apparently have sex appeal beyond what I see. -- These are the words of my pastor, a different one. Worship is a very intimate ministry where people are invited to be raw in the presence of others... to express your deepest longings for the Lord through music. It takes teamwork and the attraction naturally develops... I'd rather him see me as a little girl with pigtails, but apparently I won't ever have someone see me that way. That's a tough pill to swallow.
I love the Lord, and He is my wholeness. I just need to keep my eyes on Jesus, and my heart on the truth. But in figuring all this out. the truth gets a little murky.
This man is a good man. Yes, he is a man capable of all kinds of failings, but his heart was good intentioned if badly executed. He is not pursuing me. He has reassured me that he's very committed to his marriage and family. Now, I know there are a few things I can change about the relationship without moving to another church. As I said, we've had pretty good boundaries; but there are somethings I can pull back on.
But this is hard. This man has taught me so much, and is the only person I know who really listens and knows when to say, "I don't get it but I'll pray." Like a father, he has called me into so many things. He called my voice out of me. He demonstrated that I had value, and I finally learned to stand up for myself to unwanted advances. Even now, I have told him what he said, while he was trying to honor me and himself, was wrong. I have been honest with him about his deception and how much I feel betrayed despite his good intentions. He has always accepted that he screwed up and apologized. He still wants to be my friend and counselor. I don't know what to do. I have known and loved (platonically of course) this man for so long, and I'm lost. While he is a righteous man, I know he is only human. I do not think he is wandering around daydreaming about me. I do believe that he wants to honor God above all. I am called to worship ministry, so there is no real way for me to avoid at least some for of intimate contact with him. And I don't feel it would be right for me to step down. I guess i'm just scared. My heart is for the Lord. I love to worship Him, but I am only human also, and I don't want to lose a friend... nor do I want to be the "other woman". I am modest, but I apparently have sex appeal beyond what I see. -- These are the words of my pastor, a different one. Worship is a very intimate ministry where people are invited to be raw in the presence of others... to express your deepest longings for the Lord through music. It takes teamwork and the attraction naturally develops... I'd rather him see me as a little girl with pigtails, but apparently I won't ever have someone see me that way. That's a tough pill to swallow.
I love the Lord, and He is my wholeness. I just need to keep my eyes on Jesus, and my heart on the truth. But in figuring all this out. the truth gets a little murky.