Today I have decided to give up everything. Yes....everything. I said EVERYTHING. Nobody has to tell me to do this...except for myself. I don't have any friends at all...so I have to do things alone from now on. Just God and I will be taking things from here. I wish I could talk to somebody about this condition I have called "depression". Most people would call it a condition or a mental disorder. I see depression as a choice. I have chosen to be depressed and is that really what I want? Do I really want to be a depressed person? I would rather chose to be a victorious woman who stands firm in Christ. I want to surround myself with positive people who want to stand firm in Christ just like I do. That is what I have been searching for my entire life. I think that is what every Christian female searches for is for someone to share their walk with Christ with whether it be a best friend or a boyfriend who puts God first. I have decided to give up everything that has to do with searching for Christian people and a Christian boyfriend. I am going to let God be my boyfriend and my best friend because He is the only love that I truly need and desire every single day. Every time I get in contact with God, my entire world gets shaken up. Every time I go to church, the sermon changes my life and shapes who I am on the inside. It doesn't matter what church God has me go to, He will speak to me through every preacher that I hear. I was at a church just yesterday and the preacher preached on rejection. We are very afraid of rejection. Rejection from our peers...rejection from our family....and especially rejection when we go out to witness and share the gospel of Christ. Nobody truly understands the power of God. I am still trying to wrap my head around His majestic power and glory. I couldn't get through life without His love. I don't think I can even imagine a life without God's love. He rescued me before I even had to experience real trials in life to where I fully understood everything about life. I was 13 when I got saved and I couldn't be more thankful that I have a God who understands everything that I'm going through. We say that God has never experienced rejection...betrayal...and heartache. Oh yes He has! He sent His Son to die on a cross to save the world from sin and death. Don't you think that would be hard? If you had to take someone who you truly and deeply loved and knew when they were going to die and how they were going to die...you would feel just awful. If you had to experience the betrayal that Jesus bared with Judas...you would just be heartbroken. That's exactly how Jesus felt. He loves us so much that He did that for us.
I fear that I have been dealing with this depression thing for quite some time. Ever since I got into the dating scene, I have been heartbroken, cheated and rejected by a lot of guys. I was engaged to a guy who I was with for 2 whole years and he cheated on me. I thought he loved me but he turned his back on me. Other guys just didn't like me. This is what I have been dealing with. Sometimes I just wish that God would show me my future husband and have us both hurry up and get married because I am sick of looking for him. But I am also deciding to give this area in my life to God as well. It has been destroying me physically and mentally....I don't ever get enough sleep at night because I sit up awake crying because I fear that I am going to be eternally ALONE. I don't think God is going to allow me to be alone. I just want God to give me my husband before the end of times happens...which I believe is too late. I know that sounds super selfish to say, but I mean, really God? I think all of this junk is going to fall into place when I finally trust that God is going to make me OK. God will always love me for who I am...even if He thinks I have a loud personality.
Thank Christ for His loving kindness.
I fear that I have been dealing with this depression thing for quite some time. Ever since I got into the dating scene, I have been heartbroken, cheated and rejected by a lot of guys. I was engaged to a guy who I was with for 2 whole years and he cheated on me. I thought he loved me but he turned his back on me. Other guys just didn't like me. This is what I have been dealing with. Sometimes I just wish that God would show me my future husband and have us both hurry up and get married because I am sick of looking for him. But I am also deciding to give this area in my life to God as well. It has been destroying me physically and mentally....I don't ever get enough sleep at night because I sit up awake crying because I fear that I am going to be eternally ALONE. I don't think God is going to allow me to be alone. I just want God to give me my husband before the end of times happens...which I believe is too late. I know that sounds super selfish to say, but I mean, really God? I think all of this junk is going to fall into place when I finally trust that God is going to make me OK. God will always love me for who I am...even if He thinks I have a loud personality.
Thank Christ for His loving kindness.