M
MissCris
Guest
I sort of want to turn on some crappy break-up/poor-me music right now and cry it out, letting Fergi's voice mix in with the pathetic sobbing I know it would turn into if I decided to go down that road.
Another fun option would be to watch a movie I know would make me cry- maybe P.S-I Love You. That would certainly do it. Strange how as many times as I've watched that movie, the scene where she's singing alone in her apartment and hasn't cleaned the place or bathed in a while...I've always laughed at that part.
Right now I'm all choked up just thinking about it.
I feel that crazy with grief right now, and nobody even died.
And ugh, the loneliness.
I had thought I was lonely before...trapped in my marriage where I wasn't even sort of cared about, or when I lived with my sister for a short time, or the first few weeks alone in my apartment...I realize now, I was alone, but not lonely. I had someone then that I could talk to.
Now...it's just me. For the very first time ever, it's me...and that's it.
I miss precious few things about my marriage- we didn't talk, we didn't spend time together, we didn't even hardly think about each other. But I've had ( wrongly!) a more recent relationship, and...it's crazy the amount of things I miss about it.
I was important to him. I could share my day with him, and know he cared. I knew I was his top priority, and it gave me a sense of security I'd never had before.
Dang, I guess I didn't need music or movies to make me cry.
I know that it's better this way, from a spiritual stand point. I want what is best for him. I want what is best for me. And I know that what's best for both of us is to put God first...which means going our separate ways.
It's so incredibly difficult. For me.
And the loneliness...yes, we're back to that. Right now, unbearable. Right now I'm as ridiculous and pathetic and crazy and sad as the character in that movie. I don't know what it's like to lose a husband to cancer, but now I know what it's like to lose my best friend and real, true love.
I'm not handling it very well. I'm being dramatic and stupid and I have had to fight with myself to leave him alone and let him get on with whatever he needs to do.
This is the first time in my life that I've tried to refrain from irritating the hell out of someone who broke up with me. I think it used to offend me more than it hurt me for someone to end a relationship with me; and then I'd cry about it and find reasons to talk to them all the time and I could tell it annoyed them...but dangit, I wanted the last word.
Now...ugh. I don't want the last word, there's no reason for any kind of spite or revenge, I just...miss him. And it's hard to know how to act now. It's hard to keep myself in line, to act like an adult and leave him be. It's hard not to want to share my day with him like I used to.
It's hard to have nobody at all to talk to anymore.
If this is what it's like to be a big girl, I think I want out. I'm not good at this.
Right, enough- there's my emotional melt down for the day, time to knock it off and do something productive. Like build a potato gun. Or something.
Another fun option would be to watch a movie I know would make me cry- maybe P.S-I Love You. That would certainly do it. Strange how as many times as I've watched that movie, the scene where she's singing alone in her apartment and hasn't cleaned the place or bathed in a while...I've always laughed at that part.
Right now I'm all choked up just thinking about it.
I feel that crazy with grief right now, and nobody even died.
And ugh, the loneliness.
I had thought I was lonely before...trapped in my marriage where I wasn't even sort of cared about, or when I lived with my sister for a short time, or the first few weeks alone in my apartment...I realize now, I was alone, but not lonely. I had someone then that I could talk to.
Now...it's just me. For the very first time ever, it's me...and that's it.
I miss precious few things about my marriage- we didn't talk, we didn't spend time together, we didn't even hardly think about each other. But I've had ( wrongly!) a more recent relationship, and...it's crazy the amount of things I miss about it.
I was important to him. I could share my day with him, and know he cared. I knew I was his top priority, and it gave me a sense of security I'd never had before.
Dang, I guess I didn't need music or movies to make me cry.
I know that it's better this way, from a spiritual stand point. I want what is best for him. I want what is best for me. And I know that what's best for both of us is to put God first...which means going our separate ways.
It's so incredibly difficult. For me.
And the loneliness...yes, we're back to that. Right now, unbearable. Right now I'm as ridiculous and pathetic and crazy and sad as the character in that movie. I don't know what it's like to lose a husband to cancer, but now I know what it's like to lose my best friend and real, true love.
I'm not handling it very well. I'm being dramatic and stupid and I have had to fight with myself to leave him alone and let him get on with whatever he needs to do.
This is the first time in my life that I've tried to refrain from irritating the hell out of someone who broke up with me. I think it used to offend me more than it hurt me for someone to end a relationship with me; and then I'd cry about it and find reasons to talk to them all the time and I could tell it annoyed them...but dangit, I wanted the last word.
Now...ugh. I don't want the last word, there's no reason for any kind of spite or revenge, I just...miss him. And it's hard to know how to act now. It's hard to keep myself in line, to act like an adult and leave him be. It's hard not to want to share my day with him like I used to.
It's hard to have nobody at all to talk to anymore.
If this is what it's like to be a big girl, I think I want out. I'm not good at this.
Right, enough- there's my emotional melt down for the day, time to knock it off and do something productive. Like build a potato gun. Or something.