Shae,
Greetings from Georgia.
You say you've become broken, welcome to the club! I think you'll find we are all very broken, and through the grace of God we are made whole.
I want to commend you for being in a place that your thirst for the Truth has brought you to a desperate place! That might sound weird and rude; but you are going against the grain of human nature by seeking to follow Christ more fully.
I like the term, "There is pain in the moment". I like this term because it's just that, a moment. As followers of Christ there will be so many of these painful moments over the course of our lives on earth. It's inevitable because God is seeking to continue sanctifying us over the course of our lives here; but at the same time we are still connected to our flesh. This battle between our flesh and His Spirit is painful; but it's the kind of pain that produces beauty!
In regards to your question of wanting to be sure; are you seeking after God's heart? In our sin-nature, even as Christians we stumble, we still sin, we struggle. We won't get this walk perfect this side of Glory. It can be crippling and debilitating when we focus too much on what we are doing wrong. Please don't misunderstand, we are to always be cautious and seeking to rebuke our sin-nature, I'm in no way suggesting we ignore our faults. But there is a point when we focus so much on what we aren't doing, that we inadvertently affect what we are doing.
You say you're stressed about practices that you don't do often...Can I say we each have things of the faith we struggle with being faithful in? I don't see it as a problem that you are concerned for your faithfulness in these things, that is very commendable and should be encouraged! You have to understand though that we don't become 'super Christians' in an instant. Changing the things we do and the way we worship, etc. is a process over time. The Apostle Paul himself thought himself to be the worst of sinners; and knowing what he did in Jesus name I don't think we would feel that way about him.
Be encouraged Shae, you are not alone in this journey! You are among brothers and sisters who are also struggling along the way. Praise God that our Saviour is a perfect high priest who was able to do what we cannot! Don't let these things
stress you out, we are not to stress (I know that's difficult). Continue to persevere and seek Father's heart and you will begin to see how these things that concern you are being worked into your life in different ways.
John 14:27: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.[FONT=helvetica, arial]"[/FONT]
