7 years ago, during a rough patch in my life, I had been living in sin. I knew God existed but I allowed myself to choose my wants over Gods wants. During this time period I had a girlfriend and we had both been doing drugs. I knew I needed to get away from that life and when the opportunity came to start an adventure in Colorado I took it. She told me before I left that she was pregnant. I told her that she should have an abortion because of all of the drugs she had been taking. She said that she would keep it without me. I told her that wouldn't happen as long as I had a child I would be the father. She said I wouldn't even know. I said "what? of course I'll know" she said "Jeff, I did that with my first one." she had 3 other kids and true enough her oldest Robert had a father who didn't even know he existed. I left for Colorado. When I came back 7 months later, she was very pregnant, but her story was that she had never been pregnant by me, but basically the day I left she got pregnant by some other guy who had lots of money and a ranch. I told her I'd want a paternity test, but she assured me he wasn't mine.
about a month later she conceived and I saw her driving down the road (we were neighbors) so I ran over to see the baby in the car seat. The moment I saw his pretty little face my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. I knew he was mine and I was so excited, I started talking excitedly about having a son, but she had told her children otherwise and tried to shush me before they heard me talk, I said "I want a paternity test" she said that because she was still legally married (to the other two childrens father, with whom she had been separated for years) that legally she couldn't do that in Texas, because when it was proven not to be his that he would have legal rights to take her other children for legal adultery. I told her that I didn't mind waiting as long as she brought him to see me often. She did
I moved into town and I worked construction, she brought him to see me about 4-5 times a week, I thank God for that time I spent with him. Usually he was sleeping, but just resting my hand on his chest while he breathed was enough for me
when he had just turned 2 months old it was friday. Pay day. I had a company bar b que to attend and she was supposed to come and see me at 8pm.
On the way to the bar b que,, traffic was bad , God put it in my heart to get a CD from walmart that had Nicole C Mullen's Redeemer on it. The driver didn't want to stop but I hounded him. Even with all of the traffic and the long lines in the supermarket I had to get it.
even before the bar b que was over I headed home, I wanted to see my son. 8pm came and left.. 9pm... 10 pm.. 11 pm.. I walked to the store and bought a beer. walked home and my neighbors were outside so I walked over and drank it talking with them.. 12am I thought I saw her white suburban pulling into our parking lot (it was duplex's) I started walking back over but the closer I got the more I realized she couldn't be there, I'd be seeing it. So I walked back to the steps at my neighbors.
the next day I left with my buddy we went to another friends house. At 2pm Saturday afternoon I received this call " hello?" "hey is this Jeff?" "yes" "this is Susan's brother." "alright how can I help you?" "did you meet up with Susan last night?" "no, we were suppose to but she never made it, why?" "well, last night she got in a car accident, and she is in a lot of trouble." my heart sank, somehow I knew what was coming... he said " she is okay and the kids are okay." I said "and the baby?" my voice growing thick. "I'm sorry he didn't make it." barely able to contain myself "I've got to go now." "okay I understand." click.
I walked away and nearly punched the tree, tears flowing from my eyes. I'd never see my son again.. Oh my God.... my friend came up to me with deep concern in his eyes, I told him I had to leave.. I had to leave. We jumped in the car and left. A detective called me, and he told me she had been driving drunk, rolled her SUV on the highway and my son flew out. He died of multiple tramatic contusions caused by being ejected out of a rolling vehicle. When they found him tens of yards away from the wreck, they thought he was a doll, when they got closer they could see he was gasping for life. He died on the way to the hospital.
I bought two large bottles of whiskey and I went home. My friends called every ounce of support they could muster because they were worried about what I would do. I was not to be left alone as far as they were concerned. I tried to wrap my mind over what had happened to my baby. You spend so much time, trimming the paper thin fingernails so they don't scratch themselves, gently cradling the neck so it doesn't strain, etc, how could it go from that to be slung over rocks at such speeds? as a harsh coincidence the place she had wrecked was the only place of the entire highway that the median consisted of 6 inch rocks. it only lasts for about 80 yards, the rest is grass. She hit the rocks. and I don't even mean the only place in that stretch of highway.. I mean the ENTIRE highway.
sitting upstairs at my table as my friends gathered outside to talk I picked up my cd I had bought the day before. On the back was another song. "He's my son" by mark Schultz, God had made sure I'd have this. I put it in and I cried. I cried and I cried as I listened to it over and over again. I thank God to this day that He gave me that song. Because Lord knows I needed it. The next day was Sunday, I drove 30 miles to go to a church I used to attend. I sat in the seat and I cried as he preached. Some old friends of mine asked me what what wrong, I told them, They walked up to the pastor while he was talking and whispered to him. He stopped his sermon and he announced to the congregation that a brother was in deep need of their love and prayer right now. Calling me up we both cried, I fell to my hands and knees and the entire congregation came up and place their hands on me and prayed, in that moment I was so hurt, I raised my fist to strike the tile and a womans hand slid over my fist so that if I had struck she would have taken the full impact, I didn't, but I'll never forget that love.
I left that church and I knew that my son was in heaven, and I realized that as long as I made it to heaven that I would see him again one day.
I am not sad, I love my son and I know He is with God.
It is a tragic thing to experience that, but in the end I am grateful that I don't have to wonder if my son is going to make it. He already has.
I attended my sons funeral, that other man was there being honored as his father. I stood off in the field with the August sun on my back, tears silently running down my cheeks.
I went back to the seen of the accident. I found where my son had been found, the rocks were still soaked in blood. I took 3 of those stones and I kept them. I was determined to place them in 3 of the most beautiful places I could find in the course of my life.
a few years later I was working security at a large outdoor mall near a lake, there were 3 young teens who were troubled, no father figure, always in trouble with authority and I befriended them. I would let them hang out with me and my friends sometimes doing nothing more than watching television. I had snapped my knee and had to move away, there were 3 of them. I gave each of them one of those rocks and left each one with a mission to leave it in a very beautiful place in the course of their lives. They took the rocks with great honor and they vowed to accomplish it. At first I thought I grabbed those stones for me, but in the end, I believe they were always meant for them.
I thank God that I have endured such things. For without such experiences I would not be able to relate with others who endure the same needing compassion, love, understanding and the hope that comes with it.
if you've read this all the way through, I thank you.
about a month later she conceived and I saw her driving down the road (we were neighbors) so I ran over to see the baby in the car seat. The moment I saw his pretty little face my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. I knew he was mine and I was so excited, I started talking excitedly about having a son, but she had told her children otherwise and tried to shush me before they heard me talk, I said "I want a paternity test" she said that because she was still legally married (to the other two childrens father, with whom she had been separated for years) that legally she couldn't do that in Texas, because when it was proven not to be his that he would have legal rights to take her other children for legal adultery. I told her that I didn't mind waiting as long as she brought him to see me often. She did
I moved into town and I worked construction, she brought him to see me about 4-5 times a week, I thank God for that time I spent with him. Usually he was sleeping, but just resting my hand on his chest while he breathed was enough for me
when he had just turned 2 months old it was friday. Pay day. I had a company bar b que to attend and she was supposed to come and see me at 8pm.
On the way to the bar b que,, traffic was bad , God put it in my heart to get a CD from walmart that had Nicole C Mullen's Redeemer on it. The driver didn't want to stop but I hounded him. Even with all of the traffic and the long lines in the supermarket I had to get it.
even before the bar b que was over I headed home, I wanted to see my son. 8pm came and left.. 9pm... 10 pm.. 11 pm.. I walked to the store and bought a beer. walked home and my neighbors were outside so I walked over and drank it talking with them.. 12am I thought I saw her white suburban pulling into our parking lot (it was duplex's) I started walking back over but the closer I got the more I realized she couldn't be there, I'd be seeing it. So I walked back to the steps at my neighbors.
the next day I left with my buddy we went to another friends house. At 2pm Saturday afternoon I received this call " hello?" "hey is this Jeff?" "yes" "this is Susan's brother." "alright how can I help you?" "did you meet up with Susan last night?" "no, we were suppose to but she never made it, why?" "well, last night she got in a car accident, and she is in a lot of trouble." my heart sank, somehow I knew what was coming... he said " she is okay and the kids are okay." I said "and the baby?" my voice growing thick. "I'm sorry he didn't make it." barely able to contain myself "I've got to go now." "okay I understand." click.
I walked away and nearly punched the tree, tears flowing from my eyes. I'd never see my son again.. Oh my God.... my friend came up to me with deep concern in his eyes, I told him I had to leave.. I had to leave. We jumped in the car and left. A detective called me, and he told me she had been driving drunk, rolled her SUV on the highway and my son flew out. He died of multiple tramatic contusions caused by being ejected out of a rolling vehicle. When they found him tens of yards away from the wreck, they thought he was a doll, when they got closer they could see he was gasping for life. He died on the way to the hospital.
I bought two large bottles of whiskey and I went home. My friends called every ounce of support they could muster because they were worried about what I would do. I was not to be left alone as far as they were concerned. I tried to wrap my mind over what had happened to my baby. You spend so much time, trimming the paper thin fingernails so they don't scratch themselves, gently cradling the neck so it doesn't strain, etc, how could it go from that to be slung over rocks at such speeds? as a harsh coincidence the place she had wrecked was the only place of the entire highway that the median consisted of 6 inch rocks. it only lasts for about 80 yards, the rest is grass. She hit the rocks. and I don't even mean the only place in that stretch of highway.. I mean the ENTIRE highway.
sitting upstairs at my table as my friends gathered outside to talk I picked up my cd I had bought the day before. On the back was another song. "He's my son" by mark Schultz, God had made sure I'd have this. I put it in and I cried. I cried and I cried as I listened to it over and over again. I thank God to this day that He gave me that song. Because Lord knows I needed it. The next day was Sunday, I drove 30 miles to go to a church I used to attend. I sat in the seat and I cried as he preached. Some old friends of mine asked me what what wrong, I told them, They walked up to the pastor while he was talking and whispered to him. He stopped his sermon and he announced to the congregation that a brother was in deep need of their love and prayer right now. Calling me up we both cried, I fell to my hands and knees and the entire congregation came up and place their hands on me and prayed, in that moment I was so hurt, I raised my fist to strike the tile and a womans hand slid over my fist so that if I had struck she would have taken the full impact, I didn't, but I'll never forget that love.
I left that church and I knew that my son was in heaven, and I realized that as long as I made it to heaven that I would see him again one day.
I am not sad, I love my son and I know He is with God.
It is a tragic thing to experience that, but in the end I am grateful that I don't have to wonder if my son is going to make it. He already has.
I attended my sons funeral, that other man was there being honored as his father. I stood off in the field with the August sun on my back, tears silently running down my cheeks.
I went back to the seen of the accident. I found where my son had been found, the rocks were still soaked in blood. I took 3 of those stones and I kept them. I was determined to place them in 3 of the most beautiful places I could find in the course of my life.
a few years later I was working security at a large outdoor mall near a lake, there were 3 young teens who were troubled, no father figure, always in trouble with authority and I befriended them. I would let them hang out with me and my friends sometimes doing nothing more than watching television. I had snapped my knee and had to move away, there were 3 of them. I gave each of them one of those rocks and left each one with a mission to leave it in a very beautiful place in the course of their lives. They took the rocks with great honor and they vowed to accomplish it. At first I thought I grabbed those stones for me, but in the end, I believe they were always meant for them.
I thank God that I have endured such things. For without such experiences I would not be able to relate with others who endure the same needing compassion, love, understanding and the hope that comes with it.
if you've read this all the way through, I thank you.
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