Losing Myself

[LuLuFaith]

Sometimes I feel so lost, I am saved by God's grace, but I have a problem forgiving myself for my past, because my hubby is always reminding me of it...
.
I used to be addicted to drugs & alcohol, but I gave it up & stayed clean for 3 years. then i backslid (taking my hubby along with me he backslid also,he's a former drug addict) We gave into the temptations of pills & alcohol... We straightened ourselves up got back on track.

Then after I had my daughter, I got addicted to the pain pills. It was very hard to quit them. (I am currently clean now, with no temptations).

I always get clean & stay clean a few years then, the cravings hit me. It is constantly an uphill battle. I pray constantly for God to please help me & free me of this.

My hubby says he forgives me for my past, (his was just as bad as mine), But he is always throwing my past in my face. We are together 24-7, Every time we leave the house he causes an argument. If i see someone that used to be my friend he gets mad, i don't even talk to these people anymore, we can just pass them on the hwy.

I feel like he's my prison guard sometimes. Like I'm afraid to look up or talk to people, because I don't know what his reaction will be. I haven't had friends since I was 25 yrs old...that's 13yrs without friends... not even any church friends.... no one to talk to, just him or my family.

It's so hard, keeping my feelings bottled up inside. I'm afraid to talk to my own hubby about how I feel, I get so depressed & lonely (that's why I'm on Christian Chat) I am losing myself & becoming what he wants me to be...

The only time i feel free is around our kids, when he isn't in the house. Me & my oldest son & daughter (their adults & in college) are best friends, we talk about everything. They get so mad at their dad, because of how he treats us.

He looses it in front of the kids all the time, arguing with me over stupid stuff. Yelling & screaming, (He even calls the kids names) Sometimes he even throws the word divorce in. We've been together since i was 13. I do love him. (but i feel he is tearing our love apart) I pray that God will open his eyes & change his heart towards me & the kids.

I just feel so lost... my kids & family think we would be better off apart. But i divorced him once & we remarried.... (everyone told me not to remarry him, but i wanted our family to stay together).

I'm so confused... I've prayed & will continue to pray.

 

[tourist]

It sounds as if your husband is smothering you. It is best not to keep score and to start each day with a clean slate. Your husband seems somewhat controlling.

 

[Guest]

Some people do seem to have more of a tendency to become addicts of various things more so than others and it is a lifetime of struggle for them but in order to stay away from addictions you will need support and some of the things you say here sounds alarm bells to me. I'm guessing you have already tried to sit down with your husband and talk seriously about the effect his behaviour is having on you and your children. Ask him if he thinks God would approve. Is he considering God as part of your family, does he seek Him? Ultimately if things do not change you may have to leave for your own sake and that of your family and also your your peace of mind.

 

[emjcares]

If you only knew how this breaks my heart, for so many reasons, on so many levels, I just can't say here.

But please know Jesus loves you and will never leave you.
You need to stick really close to Him, as it probably won't get easier right away, at least, not before it may get a bit harder. Be patient.

I don't mean to sound foreboding, don't worry, the Lord is with you, but as you draw nearer to Him, the enemy tends to step up his attacks with accusations, confusion and depression, and you'll need to be strong in the Lord and say NO when the enemy tries to drag you down and tell you you're no good.

He will use your husband in these ways too.
Try to remember that, when he tries to control or belittle you, it's not always just him but him being used, and somewhat of a victim himself.

That's not to make excuses, but just to point out that the devil often finds ways to cause division in our lives, when that's not our intentions from the heart.

Your husband is probably insecure, and lives in fear of losing you, so he pushes at you, thinking you'll fight to stay connected.

Sometimes any attention, even in battle, can be more desirable than no attention at all, but many guys are afraid to admit they're afraid, especially when they feel threatened that they might be abandoned, so the idea of having to be a tough guy comes out, often poorly, through anger and put downs.

Don't tell him he's insecure, that will make it worse, but know that he probably is, and try to love him anyway.

Meanwhile, guard your heart and mind, your Father in heaven is the King of glory, and He doesn't want His daughter being dragged through the mud, but you have to allow Him to be your strength and shield.

And try to stop the conversations with the kids about your situation. They're your children, not your peers, your buddies, or your counselors, and you set yourself and them up for longterm resentments if you treat them as such. For now, they may seem to be a help, and they may feel important in return, but it's not their job.

Pray sincerely for the Lord to send you a friend or confidant, and trust that he will, and don't back down from the freedom that Jesus died to give you.

Remember, He rose from the grave and gives us the victory in Him, nothing can separate you from His love.

Be the woman He wants you to be, not the one that the world, the flesh, and the devil tries to convince you is worthless. Not in arrogance or pride, though, but in thanksgiving that Jesus is your Savior, and He's got better things for you and your family than what you've been giving/doing to each other up til now. Let His sacrificial love be the guiding principle.

I need that, we all need more of that, in our lives, especially these days.

Be of good cheer, we have a great God and Savior, and His will will be done. Try to move forward with excitement or anticipation that He's moving in your life with good things to come, and also remember that battles will come, but when they do, it's because you're moving closer to the Lord, not that He's abandoning you, as the enemy will try to convince you. Don't believe that lie.

Let Jesus be your Rock of Ages to hide in, and the Solid Rock you stand on, casting all your cares on Him, for He cares for you.

Praise the Lord, thank you, Jesus, please bless this sister, her family, and all of us here on CChat today and moving forward, in your name, Jesus. Amen.

 

[Ugly]

Your husband fits the pattern for an abusive person. Throwing your past in your face. Yelling. Name calling. Blame. Isolating you from others. And claiming to do it all in the name of love.

Your biggest mistake was lying to yourself that getting back together with him was 'for the family'. You were away from someone that tore you down, making you a less effective mother. And who calls his own children names and yells at them. He is a bad father, a bad example and sets a very negative and scary tone for the home which you and your kids lived in. How is that 'for the family'?
I don't say that as a condemnation, but rather to point out the facts. Where there is abuse it is Never good to stay together 'for the family'. Period.

And it's no wonder you keep falling back. You have someone constantly tearing you down, keeping you lonely and depressed. This creates an environment where you end up falling back on what you know to do to cope.

Abusive people rarely stop. On average less than 1/4 of all abusers ever change.

 

[AuntieAnt]

Your children do not deserve to be in such a hostile environment. Neither do you. You are an adult woman who has every right to have friends. In fact, it's unhealthy not to have friends in your life. If your husband displayed his violent temper in front of a courtroom judge and demanded you not have friends, he would be arrested. Your husband is an abuser. You cannot change him; but you can change your own life and protect your precious children.

Most abusers get violently worse the more you allow them to rule your life.

Please contact someone on this link below.

The Kentucky Coalition Against Domestic Violence