Hi everyone I usually try to figure things out myself and I have prayed a lot, but I just need some help from the community that I know will give the best advice, from the Bible.
I have been with this girl for two+ years. She’s the first long term relationship I’ve been in and we are both in college. She asked me out and I was thrilled and we have made the best memories in my life these two years. The beginning was great as it always is, and we started unofficially living together after a year. Up until a few weeks ago we really hadn’t had a big fight at all. Maybe one or two.
A few weeks ago she broke up with me saying she needs to “find out who she is” but wants to try again when I come back (I’m away for 4 months). I said nope I’m not going to be your backup plan in case you can’t find anyone better. She never explained why she wanted to break up, and even though it only lasted a day, it still has destroyed our foundation. To me she was gone forever and I was coping with that when she came back. If I mention the breakup she will get mad and say can we get over this already like it didn’t just wreck me.
I called my mom and it was the first time I ever asked someone for relationship advice and I cried a lot. She said to make a list of the good and bad and try to see if she is worth it from a third person point of view.
I feel like I’m blinded by my sins. I sinned with my girlfriend (sexually) and it was not her first time. The pain of not sharing that together has always tugged at my heart, but now I’ve learned my lesson, that I’m no less of an adulterer myself than her ex is to me. This summer I have read the Bible and prayed a lot and it’s opening my eyes to these things and bringing great sorrow (also reassurance but mainly sorrow because of my sins).
So now we are back together. But I have been thinking about what my mom told me. I thought back to all the things that have been done to me that love had blinded me to. I think in a healthy relationship it’s good for love to cover the small imperfections of someone, my goal is to find out what a healthy relationship is because this is my first. I was already shopping for engagement rings when she ended our relationship for what (had I not spend t hours and hours on the phone explaining why the stress of classes, money, long distance, her friends who don’t even know me telling her to end it and party with them, and some other things) would have been forever.
I’m not perfect, but she has never ever questioned her trust in me because in two years I’ve never done anything to suggest she should (regarding other females). But like I said I’m not perfect and lack in other areas like motivating myself to get her flowers etc. and not be lazy sometimes.
So I started thinking about what my mom said and many things came to mind. It’s not my right to call out another’s sins and that’s not what I’m trying to do I just have no basis for what’s normal.
Early on she told me about a guy sending her nudes. I said why haven’t you blocked him?
She told me she going to video chat a guy to ask for math help (I believe this was her intention) and I said why not ask me, I took it last year? This was a big fight.
She’s very liberal and I didn’t care because love sees past politics, but many of the things she supports is unbiblical, and whenever I mention my views on say abortion she gets pissed.
I told her I can see straight through her apartment window into her shower, and she refused to fix it for two weeks.
One day a really hot guy came next to us with his pet, and she pet it and gave him the look she gave me the first time she saw me. I asked to see her phone right after and she hid it, she was looking up “how to know if you’re with the right guy”. I cried for days, and that image of her eyes burned into my mind.
I’m constantly apologizing to her for things I know I didn’t do wrong for the sake of not fighting. I’m patient and she can be very stubborn and hot headed. If she doesn’t hear something she likes, she will say goodnight and hang up. If I give her advice, she says stop demeaning me you’re not my dad. She gets so mad when I’m right about something and one of my biggest flaws and I know it’s so unhealthy is to always point out when I’m right. I did it so she’d trust my advice, but she saw it as demeaning and I understand why and have stopped.
When I went through addiction, I was lazy and not motivated, but I never stopped loving her and supporting her even when I was suicidal which she doesn’t know about. Now that she is stressed from college she so easily gave me up.
When I talk on video chat (long distance) she will be on Instagram the whole time, and when I ask her something she’ll always ask me to repeat it. As I just stare at the screen wanting some emotional connection.
I woke up one day to her watching porn by my side. She hid it too late, and we didn’t say a word for hours. Once again I cried. I deserved this one. Here I am complaining about how my girlfriend won’t have sex with me for 3 months (no interest in me because of the porn I assume) and do I have a right to be mad when she’s committing the same adultery online? No. I’m drowning in my own sins. I’m reaping what I’ve sown.
That’s what’s so hard is that even though I know I’m just as bad if not WORSE of a sinner, I don’t know if this is a normal relationship. When we have good times they are amazing, but she (also her longest relationship) feels like the honeymoon phase should last forever.
When I disapproved of her friend (who told her to break up with me) cheating on her boyfriend, I was told that I’m mean and wrong and judging and rude.
I asked her to not have her butt sticking out at the beach, and she chose a bikini with her butt sticking out. I said I won’t choose for you just keep me in mind when you choose one. I said how am I supposed to enjoy the beach when I’m the only guy there not lusting after you. Sure enough a week from today we will be at the beach and I have seen the picture of her bikini and could see the stock photo model’s entire butt. She believes that wearing skimpy clothes is “women’s empowerment”. When I said “is it not more empowering to pass up the drooling of other men and wear what’s comfortable and modest?” Nope.
There are more things that I won’t get to and LET ME BE CLEAR: I could write a list even longer about myself, I’m just trying to figure out if her behavior is normal or unhealthy.
I’ve gone to church with her and her family and she’s struggling with her faith but appears to be trying. The thing that stabs my gut more than anything above is when she gets annoyed when I talk about how Jesus has affected my life. Sometimes she acts happy but many times she acts annoyed like “can we talk about something else”.
I’m sorry that this has been such a persecuting and horrible thread and I feel bad for posting it, and I love her so so so much. But I’m so lost right now and know that I need to follow Jesus not my flesh. I hope that I’m not just being a hypocrite, because I have done many bad things too I just need clarity on whether this is all normal or not. A lot of them are probably just my jealously and insecurity and needing to fix myself (the long distance has made this worse).
Thank you.
I have been with this girl for two+ years. She’s the first long term relationship I’ve been in and we are both in college. She asked me out and I was thrilled and we have made the best memories in my life these two years. The beginning was great as it always is, and we started unofficially living together after a year. Up until a few weeks ago we really hadn’t had a big fight at all. Maybe one or two.
A few weeks ago she broke up with me saying she needs to “find out who she is” but wants to try again when I come back (I’m away for 4 months). I said nope I’m not going to be your backup plan in case you can’t find anyone better. She never explained why she wanted to break up, and even though it only lasted a day, it still has destroyed our foundation. To me she was gone forever and I was coping with that when she came back. If I mention the breakup she will get mad and say can we get over this already like it didn’t just wreck me.
I called my mom and it was the first time I ever asked someone for relationship advice and I cried a lot. She said to make a list of the good and bad and try to see if she is worth it from a third person point of view.
I feel like I’m blinded by my sins. I sinned with my girlfriend (sexually) and it was not her first time. The pain of not sharing that together has always tugged at my heart, but now I’ve learned my lesson, that I’m no less of an adulterer myself than her ex is to me. This summer I have read the Bible and prayed a lot and it’s opening my eyes to these things and bringing great sorrow (also reassurance but mainly sorrow because of my sins).
So now we are back together. But I have been thinking about what my mom told me. I thought back to all the things that have been done to me that love had blinded me to. I think in a healthy relationship it’s good for love to cover the small imperfections of someone, my goal is to find out what a healthy relationship is because this is my first. I was already shopping for engagement rings when she ended our relationship for what (had I not spend t hours and hours on the phone explaining why the stress of classes, money, long distance, her friends who don’t even know me telling her to end it and party with them, and some other things) would have been forever.
I’m not perfect, but she has never ever questioned her trust in me because in two years I’ve never done anything to suggest she should (regarding other females). But like I said I’m not perfect and lack in other areas like motivating myself to get her flowers etc. and not be lazy sometimes.
So I started thinking about what my mom said and many things came to mind. It’s not my right to call out another’s sins and that’s not what I’m trying to do I just have no basis for what’s normal.
Early on she told me about a guy sending her nudes. I said why haven’t you blocked him?
She told me she going to video chat a guy to ask for math help (I believe this was her intention) and I said why not ask me, I took it last year? This was a big fight.
She’s very liberal and I didn’t care because love sees past politics, but many of the things she supports is unbiblical, and whenever I mention my views on say abortion she gets pissed.
I told her I can see straight through her apartment window into her shower, and she refused to fix it for two weeks.
One day a really hot guy came next to us with his pet, and she pet it and gave him the look she gave me the first time she saw me. I asked to see her phone right after and she hid it, she was looking up “how to know if you’re with the right guy”. I cried for days, and that image of her eyes burned into my mind.
I’m constantly apologizing to her for things I know I didn’t do wrong for the sake of not fighting. I’m patient and she can be very stubborn and hot headed. If she doesn’t hear something she likes, she will say goodnight and hang up. If I give her advice, she says stop demeaning me you’re not my dad. She gets so mad when I’m right about something and one of my biggest flaws and I know it’s so unhealthy is to always point out when I’m right. I did it so she’d trust my advice, but she saw it as demeaning and I understand why and have stopped.
When I went through addiction, I was lazy and not motivated, but I never stopped loving her and supporting her even when I was suicidal which she doesn’t know about. Now that she is stressed from college she so easily gave me up.
When I talk on video chat (long distance) she will be on Instagram the whole time, and when I ask her something she’ll always ask me to repeat it. As I just stare at the screen wanting some emotional connection.
I woke up one day to her watching porn by my side. She hid it too late, and we didn’t say a word for hours. Once again I cried. I deserved this one. Here I am complaining about how my girlfriend won’t have sex with me for 3 months (no interest in me because of the porn I assume) and do I have a right to be mad when she’s committing the same adultery online? No. I’m drowning in my own sins. I’m reaping what I’ve sown.
That’s what’s so hard is that even though I know I’m just as bad if not WORSE of a sinner, I don’t know if this is a normal relationship. When we have good times they are amazing, but she (also her longest relationship) feels like the honeymoon phase should last forever.
When I disapproved of her friend (who told her to break up with me) cheating on her boyfriend, I was told that I’m mean and wrong and judging and rude.
I asked her to not have her butt sticking out at the beach, and she chose a bikini with her butt sticking out. I said I won’t choose for you just keep me in mind when you choose one. I said how am I supposed to enjoy the beach when I’m the only guy there not lusting after you. Sure enough a week from today we will be at the beach and I have seen the picture of her bikini and could see the stock photo model’s entire butt. She believes that wearing skimpy clothes is “women’s empowerment”. When I said “is it not more empowering to pass up the drooling of other men and wear what’s comfortable and modest?” Nope.
There are more things that I won’t get to and LET ME BE CLEAR: I could write a list even longer about myself, I’m just trying to figure out if her behavior is normal or unhealthy.
I’ve gone to church with her and her family and she’s struggling with her faith but appears to be trying. The thing that stabs my gut more than anything above is when she gets annoyed when I talk about how Jesus has affected my life. Sometimes she acts happy but many times she acts annoyed like “can we talk about something else”.
I’m sorry that this has been such a persecuting and horrible thread and I feel bad for posting it, and I love her so so so much. But I’m so lost right now and know that I need to follow Jesus not my flesh. I hope that I’m not just being a hypocrite, because I have done many bad things too I just need clarity on whether this is all normal or not. A lot of them are probably just my jealously and insecurity and needing to fix myself (the long distance has made this worse).
Thank you.
