Marriage and musical theater

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Petunia123

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Im in a Christian marriage of 11 years and my husband and I have 3 sons. My husband recently started picking up the hobby of stage acting in local community theater musicals. He took a role where he has to kiss a girl half his age. This will be his second romantic role. The first role was with a Christian theater organization and they did stage kisses. The current company does full on kisses.
I'm devastated on multiple accounts. The physical and intimate part of the kiss which I thought was reserved for just us in now being shared. I never knew we had a moral conflict. Secondly, the journey he goes on with a woman through the rehearsal and run of a show where he shares an intimate kiss over an over again appears to deepen this friendship further than just a casual friend.

He knows how I feel and makes me feel bad for my feelings saying I'm insecure. I never imagined we would have a conflict of doing physical things with other people. To me, I feel like this is an emotional affair in the least, and not to mention, fertile ground for potential infidelity. I don't think it's right for him to refrain from personal pursuits that bring him so much joy as he will harbor bitterness and resentment in his heart toward me. Im struggling to the point I've lost 20 lbs in a month and I cry every day. How am I to be a supportive wife when there is such a strong conviction against this decision? I'm concerned he will leave me because I'm so upset about this.
 
Petunia123 said:
Im in a Christian marriage of 11 years and my husband and I have 3 sons. My husband recently started picking up the hobby of stage acting in local community theater musicals. He took a role where he has to kiss a girl half his age. This will be his second romantic role. The first role was with a Christian theater organization and they did stage kisses. The current company does full on kisses.
I'm devastated on multiple accounts. The physical and intimate part of the kiss which I thought was reserved for just us in now being shared. I never knew we had a moral conflict. Secondly, the journey he goes on with a woman through the rehearsal and run of a show where he shares an intimate kiss over an over again appears to deepen this friendship further than just a casual friend.

He knows how I feel and makes me feel bad for my feelings saying I'm insecure. I never imagined we would have a conflict of doing physical things with other people. To me, I feel like this is an emotional affair in the least, and not to mention, fertile ground for potential infidelity. I don't think it's right for him to refrain from personal pursuits that bring him so much joy as he will harbor bitterness and resentment in his heart toward me. Im struggling to the point I've lost 20 lbs in a month and I cry every day. How am I to be a supportive wife when there is such a strong conviction against this decision? I'm concerned he will leave me because I'm so upset about this.
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Hellooo! Okay, the selfish part of me is like, "Dang... she's stressed and she LOSES weight?" I would totally have gained 20 pounds instead of lost.

But back to the meat of the message... years ago, a Christian couple I was friends with was in a similar situation to what you just described, except it was the wife involved in the stage productions, and she had to do some kissing on stage. In particular, I remember them doing Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Mikado," and there were a bunch of little kisses, but they were still pecks on the lips, and it kind of made me feel awkward watching it. I'd look back towards Dave now and then as Hazel was doing her thing on stage.

After the show, I asked Dave, "Does that bother you at all? Watching Hazel kiss guys on stage?" He laughed and said, "No, it's buffoonery." Okay, so a bunch of little pecks in a Gilbert and Sullivan may be different than what you're experiencing. Personally, I totally understand what you're saying, and I would have the exact same feelings, I am pretty sure.

It doesn't seem to be the stage kissing that's bothering you, and you are being very supportive by not wanting him to give up theater, that's very cool of you.

It seems like you're worried that something deeper is developing, an "emotional affair." Is there actual evidence of that? Is there a lot of unaccounted for time or other indicators of secretive behavior? If so... (and I'm not wanting you to jump to conclusions, I'm trying to understand why you think something more intimate is taking place), then you really need to have a serious discussion with him, perhaps with your pastor as well.

Stage kissing= tolerable, for the most part. Emotional affair= red flag, must be addressed! You are not being overly sensitive and insecure, you're being a totally normal wife. *huggggs* :-)

​

[h=2]Your Message[/h]
 
Petunia123 said:
Im in a Christian marriage of 11 years and my husband and I have 3 sons. My husband recently started picking up the hobby of stage acting in local community theater musicals. He took a role where he has to kiss a girl half his age. This will be his second romantic role. The first role was with a Christian theater organization and they did stage kisses. The current company does full on kisses.
I'm devastated on multiple accounts. The physical and intimate part of the kiss which I thought was reserved for just us in now being shared. I never knew we had a moral conflict. Secondly, the journey he goes on with a woman through the rehearsal and run of a show where he shares an intimate kiss over an over again appears to deepen this friendship further than just a casual friend.

He knows how I feel and makes me feel bad for my feelings saying I'm insecure. I never imagined we would have a conflict of doing physical things with other people. To me, I feel like this is an emotional affair in the least, and not to mention, fertile ground for potential infidelity. I don't think it's right for him to refrain from personal pursuits that bring him so much joy as he will harbor bitterness and resentment in his heart toward me. Im struggling to the point I've lost 20 lbs in a month and I cry every day. How am I to be a supportive wife when there is such a strong conviction against this decision? I'm concerned he will leave me because I'm so upset about this.
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I've always been impressed by actors ability to pretend romance.

Gather 100-300 strangers in a theater, stand up on stage, and try and give an intimate kiss. I'd be so embarrassed, the guy I was kissing would get sweaty by the heat from my blush.

I've kissed a few guys in my life -- off stage, on a date -- and, man! I know the difference between hubby kissing me and hubby kissing anyone else. I can, physically, feel the difference between his kiss to me and any other kiss I've receieved. He may well look like he's doing the same thing, but he isn't.

Does your husband come home after rehearsal is over? Are there any hours away from you that are unaccounted? (Like, he usually comes home from work at 5, and suddenly it's 6-8:30. Or he goes out all Saturday without telling you where he's going and when he's planning on being home?) Do you have anything -- anything at all -- that says he's cheating on you?

If yes, then deal with that, not the acting.

If no, this is on you, not him. You need counseling, because losing 20 pounds in a month isn't good. That's a mental problem.
 
The fact that he seems to be belittling your feelings in regard to this is...worrisome. He's not listening to your concerns and that's a problem. He really should be putting his marriage before his personal pursuit of fun.

That being said, I have some experience with community theater. It is normal that he should feel a connection with the cast. They see you make dumb mistakes, they see you when you're so discouraged you're almost in tears, they see you when you're pumped and unfiltered. For those last few days or weeks of rehearsal and performance you're closer than some people are to their siblings. You have to be, or working together would be intolerable. Usually, the relationship dies after the show, because what is binding you together isn't really real.

But even with that camaraderie, it is totally impersonal. You're someone else, and the person you're kissing is someone else. (Or snuggling up to gazing into their eyes, or draping your arm around, or whatever you happen to be doing!) Especially if he has become accustomed to stage kisses, this might be how he sees it, in which case it wouldn't make sense to him that you're feeling insecure. And...there's usually nothing intimate about a kiss on stage, that is done for show. Have you seen the rehearsals? it's rather embarrassing. I once was at a rehearsal where the main characters were supposed to share a kiss, and they wanted it more than an embarrassed peck. They wanted four seconds of smooching. So, the director would be up on stage during rehearsal, right close to them, giving directions and watching the clock "lean in! Toe to toe! Now draw her in, tip your head a bit more. Hallie, I want your eyes on his right up until he tips your face for the kiss...Joe, you're in charge here, don't let her take the lead. Good...good...ok...1, 2, 3, 4, off! Yeah, and we'll have waterproof lipstick for the real thing, Joe." Not terribly romantic.

All that being said, YOU are the one who knows your husband. If it seems like more than acting, (and it isn't just the woman in you feeling envious when he is kissing someone who is younger and (in your mind) prettier to you), it has to be addressed. There are a lot of roles in theater that don't involve kissing or romantic parts, he doesn't have to quit acting because of this, but if it is causing him (or you), a problem, it needs to stop.
 
Petunia123 said:
My husband recently started picking up the hobby of
stage acting in local community theater musicals.
He took a role where he has to kiss a girl half his age.
Click to expand...
I don't need to read any farther than this to see that this is scandalous.
That he would put himself, and thereby you,
in such a position speaks volumes of his character.
If I woke up in your shoes, I would, in no uncertain terms,
explain to him that this will not proceed one instant further.
Period. End of discussion.
 
Petunia123 said:
He knows how I feel and makes me feel bad for my feelings saying I'm insecure. I never imagined we would have a conflict of doing physical things with other people. To me, I feel like this is an emotional affair in the least, and not to mention, fertile ground for potential infidelity. I don't think it's right for him to refrain from personal pursuits that bring him so much joy as he will harbor bitterness and resentment in his heart toward me. Im struggling to the point I've lost 20 lbs in a month and I cry every day. How am I to be a supportive wife when there is such a strong conviction against this decision? I'm concerned he will leave me because I'm so upset about this.
Click to expand...

I do musical theatre as well and I love it. That said, there are certain things I won't do in a role, period. My list of non-negotiables: I will not french kiss, curse, or strip. If whatever I'm asked to do is not on that list and I still don't want to do it, I don't.

Does he have a list like that? Some non-actors assume that when an actor does romantic scenes (to any degree) that they're just "doing their job", but actors have a say in what they do or do not do on stage, and can turn down entire roles. (I have turned down a role that was offered to me before.) If he doesn't have a list, he should pin down his non-negotiables. And since you are his wife, you should have a say. (You know: one flesh, he is yours, you are his, etc.)

If it's any comfort, this situation is not uncommon among actors and their significant others. That said, since you are his spouse, he should care how you feel. I think you should pray about his reception to your feelings before you pin down non-negotiables with him...otherwise I don't see that idea working, because it depends on him caring how you feel.
 
MultilingualMessenger said:
I do musical theatre as well and I love it. That said, there are certain things I won't do in a role, period. My list of non-negotiables: I will not french kiss, curse, or strip. If whatever I'm asked to do is not on that list and I still don't want to do it, I don't.

Does he have a list like that? Some non-actors assume that when an actor does romantic scenes (to any degree) that they're just "doing their job", but actors have a say in what they do or do not do on stage, and can turn down entire roles. (I have turned down a role that was offered to me before.) If he doesn't have a list, he should pin down his non-negotiables. And since you are his wife, you should have a say. (You know: one flesh, he is yours, you are his, etc.)

If it's any comfort, this situation is not uncommon among actors and their significant others. That said, since you are his spouse, he should care how you feel. I think you should pray about his reception to your feelings before you pin down non-negotiables with him...otherwise I don't see that idea working, because it depends on him caring how you feel.
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Naive question alert: Does anyone really french kiss on stage? I always assumed that tongue rolling in that mouth was the same owner as the mouth. (Tongue in cheek, literally.) :eek:
 
I feel that what you're husband is doing is inappropriate behavior and is grossly insensitive to the hurt his actions are causing you. This has nothing to do with your being insecure, if you are then he is the cause of this. This is a hobby of his and not his profession. I suggest that he finds a new hobby or find new roles to play. There is certainly the potential for infidelity and there is no way that you should be supportive of this. What your husband is doing is wrong, perhaps he is naïve about the harm that he's causing but if he loves you he will put a stop to it. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
 
Petunia123 said:
Im in a Christian marriage of 11 years and my husband and I have 3 sons. My husband recently started picking up the hobby of stage acting in local community theater musicals. He took a role where he has to kiss a girl half his age. This will be his second romantic role. The first role was with a Christian theater organization and they did stage kisses. The current company does full on kisses.
I'm devastated on multiple accounts. The physical and intimate part of the kiss which I thought was reserved for just us in now being shared. I never knew we had a moral conflict. Secondly, the journey he goes on with a woman through the rehearsal and run of a show where he shares an intimate kiss over an over again appears to deepen this friendship further than just a casual friend.

He knows how I feel and makes me feel bad for my feelings saying I'm insecure. I never imagined we would have a conflict of doing physical things with other people. To me, I feel like this is an emotional affair in the least, and not to mention, fertile ground for potential infidelity. I don't think it's right for him to refrain from personal pursuits that bring him so much joy as he will harbor bitterness and resentment in his heart toward me. Im struggling to the point I've lost 20 lbs in a month and I cry every day. How am I to be a supportive wife when there is such a strong conviction against this decision? I'm concerned he will leave me because I'm so upset about this.
Click to expand...



Regardless of whether or not a "stage kiss" is immoral,
a husband shouldn't be doing anything that is devastating his own wife.

THIS is the real issue.
The issue is he's doing something that's breaking his wife's heart, and he won't stop.


You need to immediately get into counseling with your pastor.
If you don't deal with this, it's going to get worse.
 
Petunia123 said:
He knows how I feel and makes me feel bad for my feelings saying I'm insecure.
Click to expand...
This seems to be the heart of the matter. If your marriage was what it should be (assuming you both are Christians) then your husband should take your feelings about this matter very seriously, since he should understand that he is putting his marriage in jeopardy.

So the real issue is whether he really loves you and cares about his marriage, his wife, and his family, or whether he has another agenda. If you have already expressed your feelings and he has disregarded them, then you should let him know that the matter is serious enough that you want for you both to sit down with your pastor and talk about it and come to a spiritual resolution. The final outcome is that he should abandon this tomfoolery, and devote his time and energy to you and your family. If that is not what he wants, then understand that things could go downhill from there.
 
If you are feeling this way, then I agree that you should both sit down with your Pastor and talk. The devil can sneak into the most innocent places of our lives without us even knowing it. We must always be on guard! Pray for the right words to tell your husband how this bothers you. I remember reading that Billy Graham is NEVER alone with a woman, except his wife! This is from a Godly man who knows how the devil works. Hugs to you!
 
maxwel said:
You need to immediately get into counseling with your pastor.
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Bebe11 said:
If you are feeling this way, then I agree that you should both sit down with your Pastor and talk.
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Why is it that the first thing some people
want to do is run out and tattle to their pastor?
Pastors have their own day-to-day lives to deal with
and don't want to referee a couple's every drama.
Personal family business should be handled as such.
There's nothing criminal or overtly abusive going
on here, so why should she involve other people?
This lady, who has been curiously absent from her own thread,
needs to cowgirl up and let her husband know how it's gonna be.
And before some bonehead legalist points me to Ephesians 5,
you'd better make sure you understand that passage first.
 
do ya all realize that 'MultilingualMessenger is ONLY '24'yrs. old, and already 'discerns' this
moral-lesson?!?!?!

at least this is our take for her giving us a 'LIKE'!!!
 
Hi, I’m very sorry to hear that you’re so heart-broken over this situation. I think if I were in your shoes, I would be very distraught too. However, your husband is an actor and actors act. He is doing his best on stage performing for the audience. Since this is your first involvement with non-Christian theatre, I think this is opportune time for you two to sit and have a discussion over your boundaries as Christian actor/actress. I think your daily episode of crying and loss of appetite reveals how personally you are taking this incident on stage. He may have a difficult time understanding your response to his acting so help him out by gently, but honestly sharing your feelings and thoughts without preaching, without condemning or shaming him. He may not realize he is doing anything to hurt you and may even find your response baffling. “All things are lawful, but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful, but not all things build up.” 1 Cor 10:23. If this role is not building up your marriage and your home, perhaps it’s not the right time, but I think HE needs to come to that conclusion BY HIMSELF before the Lord. My prayers are for you and your husband.
 
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